I (F/31) found out I'm pregnant he (M/32) has me blocked and has no social media. What is the best way to contact him now? (through his family, a friend of mine maybe option)

[TropicalGal94]

Just over two months ago I was talking to a guy and we exchanged a lot of calls, video calls, and eventually, I agreed to meet up with him whilst I was in his city for work (I'm UK-based and he is USA-based). During that time I had an IUD in which failed as turns out it was not in the right place (now has been removed completely).

During this time the guy I went on the date with and had been speaking to had made a few comments in the past about a girl he knocked up in another state who then 'dealt with the situation' but of which he called her 'the asshole'. He has also been undergoing serious neurological treatments and treatment for potential MS so I felt guilty calling him out on his behaviour. We went to hang out the next day but he was just off with me so I chose to leave early and he ended up reaching out saying he 'needed some alone time' for his health, and blocked me before I could respond. Prior to hooking up we both discussed STI status and my birth control too.

Anyway, I started to get pregnancy symptoms not long after and now have a letter from my doctor confirming an antenatal appointment (NHS), and also three positive pregnancy tests.

He has blocked me on both whatsapp and i-message and does not have social media. I am wondering what to do because I plan on keeping the child (as was told previously due to some surgeries I had a low chance of ever conceiving and am also fortunate enough to have a good support system and the means to raise a child, homeowner etc) and have no interest in having a relationship with him, but considering he has done this before, and because I need to know more about his health issues to make sure they aren't hereditary, I need to talk to him. I have already spoken to a lawyer too about child support and such. My best friend knows about this entire situation and has offered to message him off her phone too and also I've located his mum on social media which he was always saying he was 'close to'. What is the best way to maybe reach him?

If you want to continue the pregnancy that's your choice, but I don't see any point in trying to contact him.

The USA is much more strict about collecting child support than the UK, but it may be difficult to enforce this from abroad. If you are relying on this, you need a plan B.

Give yourself more time and wait until at least 12 weeks before you contact him via your friend. Don’t send a message through his mum. She would probably prefer to find out from her son that she’s going to be a grandma.

Oh, and congratulations 🎉

I have already spoken to a good lawyer about all of it and I myself am training to be a family solicitor. It's also wanting to contact him because I will need to know more about his health issues in case it is herediatry and don't want it passed onto my child, or putting my future child at risk.

Can I ask why wait until the 12 week point? I'm absolutely petrified if I'm honest

Pregnancy symptoms do not always mean pregnancy. Especially when emotions are high.

You had a hook up with an arsehole and might be pregnant. What you do now is up to you. You don't need to talk to him. You certainly don't need legal advice on child support before you've even had any antenatal scans.

Hi if you read my post properly - I had a doctor confirm I'm pregnant plus 3 tests. I'm aware that in men MS can impact their fertility so also wondering if this is why it is also worth mentioning

If you are 100 percent keeping the pregnancy, I would wait until after the 12 weeks scan to contact him.

That way you’ll know that the pregnancy is healthy and viable, and also be past the point where he would pressure you to abort.

Then I would contact via your friend.

Waiting for 12 weeks is because the chance of miscarriage is significantly lower if all signs are good then, you’ve made it through the critical first trimester.
be prepared for him to not share his medical history and tell you to abort the baby. That might be emotional for you, and he doesn’t have to share any personal medical information.

He doesn't have to share his medical information with you and you can't force him.

I agree with all at the 12 week mark is more appropriate. Ask your friend to call him instead of message. Be prepared for him to cut you off as previous behaviour indicates.

I'm glad you have a lawyer to help you chase child support payments.

Congratulations and good luck

Congratulations! I agree wait until you have your 12 week scan to see all is ok with the baby at that point. Then your friend could contact him as you do need to know about his medical history. Good luck!

Agree wait for 12 week scan. Your friend can send a scan picture to him and explain that you’re expecting

It might be an idea to share your own medical history regarding the failed UDI to reassure him you told him the truth about your own contraceptive status when you hooked up.

More likely he'll a) accept he hasn't been tricked into an unplanned (by him) pregnancy, and b) be willing to share any relevant medical information of his own.

As other posters have said, wait until after 12 week scan before having your friend contact him.

Who knows, he may even unblock you during that time after taking time out to focus on his health.

Thanks all, I've been feeling so emotional as I never thought I'd have kids, but if I did I never thought it would be because of this / in this situation. I have great friends, parents, support but I just feel so sad at the same time.

I really don't understand all the "wait until 12 weeks" bollocks. He is the baby's father. You are fully prepared to.do this alone but it sounds like you are willing for him to be involved if he wants to. Holding this information secret for 12 weeks doesn't exactly start things off on a good note.

The reality is that he may choose to have nothing to do with you or the baby. But start out honestly. Get your friend to send him a message.

Thank you! I want to share it with him because I feel like waiting 12 weeks seems selfish and wouldn't harbour any feelings of trust. I know if the roles were reversed I'd feel distraught someone kept something so big from me.

I am not sure what I should get the friend to say? He knows who this person is as I mentioned her a lot when we hung out, but he doesn't know her personally. More to it should I send him a photo of all 3 confirmed pregnancy tests and a copy of the antenatal letter?

feel free to get your friend to text him now if you want, but also have a clear direction about what exactly you want from him and how you want to go about it, especially as you’ll be asking for child support. From the sound of his behaviour, i would have chosen not to contact him at all personally.

Also be prepared for him to refuse to tell you his medical history, or to even lie about it.

Also for context - when he sent the whole health thing he said he needed to be alone. When he has been unwell or feeling a bit intense previously he's disappeared. Prior though the day after our date I was open and honest with him about how uncomfortable I was about a few of his behaviours and such (when we began talking we both agreed to be open and honest), and he still invited me over despite feeling ill. So I also feel like him blocking me is just a cheap way to get out of having had s*x with me and realising I was going to tell him I knew he was playing me / leading me on to get what he wanted.

@MariaVT65 I was in two minds not to tell him, but again if it was reverse roles I'd want to know. I also have a really good relationship with my own dad despite my mother not liking him and I wouldn't want that for my child, or to raise my child knowing I didn't inform their dad / leave the door open for them to be a part of their life further on.

I get your reasoning, but keep in mind that he is not you and it doesn’t sound like he thinks like you, and from his behaviour, I wouldn’t actually want him in my child’s life. It’s not always the best thing for the child just because they are related.

What is the point of all of the ‘I (F/31)’’he (M/32)’? I don’t understand the need?

Congratulations though.

Agreed but I'm also in the mindset to tell him so I never have to live with having not told him, or if down the line my own child get's sick and I don't end up wondering why / if it was something I could have looked out for.

So my question now is what on earth should my friend say to him? And should I also include a photo of the three tests and the doctor's letter?

How were you communicating with him previously, if it was by telephone are you sure you're blocked, does that work for international calls? Why not call from work or any other phone, I wouldn't worry about whether he knows who your friend is or whose phone it is, I don't see that's an issue.

I wondered the is also. Seen a few do it now. But not really necessary to state you are a female and he is a male. Perhaps a trend from Reddit?

So because of my line of work I have both a work phone and a non work phone and he had both as when we first got talking I only had that one on me. So we spoke on whatsapp 99.9% of the time including calling over it, but then when he got difficult I reached out via i-message and that's when it didn't say delivered and it looked like he blocked me. Whatsapp I still get his display photo but doesn't show his name unless I write it in, and doesn't show his other info like when last online, statuses etc.

I get worried if I go through the friend he'll be mad I didn't go to him direct, but on whatsapp it just shows 1 tick and none of the previous details. Imessage does not say 'delivered'.

I just worry the most since the way he spoke about a previous situation (for context him and this girl were cheating on their partners, which he didn't seem to care about until the girl's boyfriend intervened and then she got an abortion and 'sorted out the situation'.) that he is going to think I am mental / trying to trap him and such.