I (F/31) found out I'm pregnant he (M/32) has me blocked and has no social media. What is the best way to contact him now? (through his family, a friend of mine maybe option)

[TropicalGal94]

Just over two months ago I was talking to a guy and we exchanged a lot of calls, video calls, and eventually, I agreed to meet up with him whilst I was in his city for work (I'm UK-based and he is USA-based). During that time I had an IUD in which failed as turns out it was not in the right place (now has been removed completely).

During this time the guy I went on the date with and had been speaking to had made a few comments in the past about a girl he knocked up in another state who then 'dealt with the situation' but of which he called her 'the asshole'. He has also been undergoing serious neurological treatments and treatment for potential MS so I felt guilty calling him out on his behaviour. We went to hang out the next day but he was just off with me so I chose to leave early and he ended up reaching out saying he 'needed some alone time' for his health, and blocked me before I could respond. Prior to hooking up we both discussed STI status and my birth control too.

Anyway, I started to get pregnancy symptoms not long after and now have a letter from my doctor confirming an antenatal appointment (NHS), and also three positive pregnancy tests.

He has blocked me on both whatsapp and i-message and does not have social media. I am wondering what to do because I plan on keeping the child (as was told previously due to some surgeries I had a low chance of ever conceiving and am also fortunate enough to have a good support system and the means to raise a child, homeowner etc) and have no interest in having a relationship with him, but considering he has done this before, and because I need to know more about his health issues to make sure they aren't hereditary, I need to talk to him. I have already spoken to a lawyer too about child support and such. My best friend knows about this entire situation and has offered to message him off her phone too and also I've located his mum on social media which he was always saying he was 'close to'. What is the best way to maybe reach him?

Use your friend's phone and call him yourself if you really feel the need to tell him, he doesn't sound like someone who's going to be supportive or kind but its your choice.

No need to send any photos of pregnancy tests, or even the letter really, it doesn't sound like he's going to be interested

Are you American as well, you're very invested in health worries at this stage what will that knowledge add?

I'd concentrate on what you need to do for a healthy pregnancy

This does not sound like a British person talking/ writing. "Your NHS doctor gave you.." I've literally never heard anyone refer to it like that.

I would feel more comfortable texting him from the phone first - that way I can send the photo of the pregnancy tests (which I was gonna write the date next to it in case he tries to contest it) and then the photo of the NHS letter also.

It's more so I have zero idea what to say wording wise and I've written it over and over and over again

I'm from the UK but have had pretty much all immediate family pass away from health issues. Also with myself having fertility issues I'm hyper aware

@Beatrixslobber maybe just a description of where they are in their lives. A ”visual" or picture if you like I should imagine most people find it helpful. Hth.

I’ve seen that on Reddit a lot.

I would not send a photo of tests as that is tacky.

I can’t tell you what to say tbh as I don’t actually understand what your primary aim is in telling him.

How involved do you want him to be? If not, how are you going to tell him you’re going to sue him for support payments? Is it mostly just to ask about his health condition?

@TropicalGal94 If you want to tell him sooner rather than later that is your decision to make. However, it is not selfish or dishonest to wait until you know that you have a viable pregnancy.

If you were in a relationship with him and/or were close, it would be different. Because if you miscarried he would be supportive. But, you are not in a relationship with him, you are blocked and unable to contact him unless you go through someone else. Obviously, you and he are not close and it seems very unlikely that he would be supportive.

From what you’ve said about him he would probably pressure you into an unwanted termination or if you miscarried he might be relieved.

That is not the kind of stress anyone wants to go through in the early stages of pregnancy, especially when morning sickness hits and your hormones are all over the place.

Do you know how many weeks pregnant you are?

Initially I agreed he should be contacted, but only on the off chance that he was mature enough to share his medical info with you re the MS.

But this update ^ reads a bit like you're revelling in getting one over on him. He's done this before, you feel used, you're determined to keep the baby and there's nothing he can do about it... it all feels like you're looking forward to taunting him and getting some kind of revenge, and using the pregnancy to do it.

Are you sure you're doing this for the right reasons? There are other ways you can find out if health issues are hereditary. You seem to be getting ahead of yourself talking about child support and getting legal advice before even the 12 week mark.

I don't agree with men shagging about and then avoiding their responsibilities that come with the consequences. But I also don't agree with women leveraging their unborn child to teach those men a twisted lesson about wearing protection, especially if they have a history of this behaviour.

To be honest the sequence of events is a bit odd and I don’t understand the urgent need to message him.

His perspective is that he was ranting to you about accidental pregnancies and now you’re accidentally pregnant. I don’t think he needs verification of the pregnancy to work with you through this, rather he feels he has been “set up” to get you pregnant or something. He likely believes you are pregnant, he just doesn’t want to be involved!

I think you need to let him cool off and contact you himself as he clearly has issues. he clearly isn’t thinking right. He isn’t doubting that you’re pregnant but feels you have “trapped” him which is indicative of poor mental health.

Maybe in time, a paternity test might be suitable if you are going through legal avenues- I don’t know enough about the legal challenges you will face. But if you’re already seeking legal advice, there’s no point coming on here for help wording a text? Presumably your solicitor would advise your next steps to mediate and I doubt part of that is sending photos of pregnancy tests to a mutual friend on WhatsApp

OP I don’t think anyone can tell you what to say or how to word it. He’s blocked you - I suppose you could write to him once you know the pregnancy is going well.
Do you have anyone in the UK to support you? Congratulations btw

I thought he didn’t know?

What is the point of all of the ‘I (F/31)’’he (M/32)’? I don’t understand the need?

Surely it's to show they're not a couple of kids and she's at an age where she'd keep the baby if she'd thought she wouldn't have the chance easily again. Age is an important factor here and if posters don't put it for context they tend to get asked.

I am 1000% doing this because I want a child, and no I am NOT stoked about how this has turned out situation wise, but over the last three years I've intentionally worked hard to get myself into a position to support a child if need be. I had surgery last year which almost left me infertile so this just makes this situation more emotional. I was originally going to look to start fostering but now this has happened.

It just boils down to this: I have been told due to my past health issues I could have a high-risk risk-pregnancy, so let alone with someone who has potentially serious health issues that could be passed on.

I'm offended that you would even suggest it was for the wrong reasons or to get one over on someone. I've been lucky to have so many incredible women and single mothers in my life which is why I vowed I'd always do the same if need be.

As for OP, I'd message him yourself via friend's phone. Leave his family and medical history out of it for now. Briefly explain how it's happened (be clear you weren't setting him up) and ask if you can have a conversation. Be prepared for further blocking but it's worth a try.

this so far is the most clear and best answer that comes without judgement. Thank you for being the most helpful comment so far! Also define OP?

Exactly - I worked hard in the last part of my 20s to set myself up so that if I had the chance to have a family I could support it. However sadly I had surgery last year which due to a health issue I got told it was a low chance I could ever conceive. I had the IUD to help with endometriosis too and because I travelled a lot with work. If I thought this was a situation of 'whoops' and I could have a kid earlier down the line with someone better then I would admittedly terminate it. But that is not the case.

Why would he be "mad" that you didn't contact him directly, if he's blocked you?

Why do you give a shit if he's mad, after he's blocked you?

You'd think if he's going round regularly knocking up women he doesn't want babies with, he'd learn to use a bloody condom.

I think I misread the OP - I thought he blocked OP after finding out, and OP was wanting to message him to get his medical info.

In any case, I still think the essence of my message generally is the same. As you’re seeking legal advice, get their advice on how to proceed OP. It might be that there is an “appropriate” approach to cover your back in the future? He might argue he blocked you due to feeling harassed/relationship breakdown and now you keep contacting him from other numbers etc for example.

I haven't told him nor spoken to him for some time. I was ill coming back from overseas so went to see a doctor - so was in a state of shock when I found out as again I didn't even think I could have kids. I spoke to my parents and in particular my dad (we are close and he is supportive) said I should tell OP. I'm also being VERY clear that I do not want any kind of relationship with this man.

This would be my first pregnancy in a not ideal situation so apologies if I seem to ask a million questions / emotional / so unsure what to do.

firstly I hope you're ok, I can only imagine how you feel, I would maybe try message him off another phone number, does he have WhatsApp seen messages on? just let him know you're pregnant and he is the dad, and if he chooses to respond thats his choice I guess nothing you can do unfortunately,

best of luck!

thank you. Emotionally one moment I'm calm, even excited to be a parent because again I have amazing people in my life to support me and I grew up around so many incredible single mothers, but I think I'm just so health conscious after my surgery last year. I think if it was some random guy with no health issues I'd not worry because I wonder if it would be immoral to continue a pregnancy if you knew the child would be sick?

He's never going to be involved and if you're not terminating under any circumstances then the info you want is irrelevant. Leave him out of it and raise the baby alone.

@TropicalGal94 OP means you - the "original poster" on the thread