I (F/31) found out I'm pregnant he (M/32) has me blocked and has no social media. What is the best way to contact him now? (through his family, a friend of mine maybe option)

[TropicalGal94]

Just over two months ago I was talking to a guy and we exchanged a lot of calls, video calls, and eventually, I agreed to meet up with him whilst I was in his city for work (I'm UK-based and he is USA-based). During that time I had an IUD in which failed as turns out it was not in the right place (now has been removed completely).

During this time the guy I went on the date with and had been speaking to had made a few comments in the past about a girl he knocked up in another state who then 'dealt with the situation' but of which he called her 'the asshole'. He has also been undergoing serious neurological treatments and treatment for potential MS so I felt guilty calling him out on his behaviour. We went to hang out the next day but he was just off with me so I chose to leave early and he ended up reaching out saying he 'needed some alone time' for his health, and blocked me before I could respond. Prior to hooking up we both discussed STI status and my birth control too.

Anyway, I started to get pregnancy symptoms not long after and now have a letter from my doctor confirming an antenatal appointment (NHS), and also three positive pregnancy tests.

He has blocked me on both whatsapp and i-message and does not have social media. I am wondering what to do because I plan on keeping the child (as was told previously due to some surgeries I had a low chance of ever conceiving and am also fortunate enough to have a good support system and the means to raise a child, homeowner etc) and have no interest in having a relationship with him, but considering he has done this before, and because I need to know more about his health issues to make sure they aren't hereditary, I need to talk to him. I have already spoken to a lawyer too about child support and such. My best friend knows about this entire situation and has offered to message him off her phone too and also I've located his mum on social media which he was always saying he was 'close to'. What is the best way to maybe reach him?

"Why shouldn't he?"
Because no contraception is 100% effective and if he's old enough to be having sex then he is well aware of that fact.

What the hell is this thread?! The op has not asked for advice on her decision to continue the pregnancy or not and has made it clear she wants to go ahead so it’s disgusting for pp’s to pass comment or judgement on that, let alone remind her that she might miscarry anyway. How she got pregnant is also not the subject of this thread and women are allowed to have casual sex. Plenty of fathers turn out to be shit despite having known their partners a long time before pregnancy because these are systemic social problems and not the responsibility of individual women.

@TropicalGal94, congratulations on your pregnancy. I think like lots of women, you’re searching for a magical combination of words that will make the situation right but no matter how you tell him, it’s his responsibility to react and deal with this maturely. Perhaps he won’t but it’s by no means the worst thing to raise a child solo and is actually preferable in some situations. Wishing you the best of luck.

If this thread is real then I don't understand the panic. You both got what you wanted. He got unprotected sex and you got pregnant.
There's absolutely no need for a convoluted story.
Tell him once you are past 12 weeks and leave his family out of it. Trying to control a waster through his family never ends well.
Focus on your pregnancy and once you have informed him forget about him. If you obsess over what he's doing, that's energy taken away from your baby. He will not step up. At all. Look into how you can claim child support from him while he's in the states and leave it at that.

@ap1999 I agree. What are the chances of work sending you, trainee family solicitor in UK law, in the exact same city overseas where you get the chance to meet the guy, have sex, get pregnant, come back and see your GP and get hospital appointment letter, all in the space of a couple of months. Plus all the other things that don’t add up.

Please don't spread this nonsense - if someone had MS there is a 1.5% chance of their child having it.

Extremely good point ...

Along with Kittensinthekitchen who was careful to point out at the very start that she had 'been saving for 3 years just in case something like this happened.

Very responsible forward planning.

Can you locate an email address? If you know his job/company you can sometimes guess it.

Don't wait for 12 weeks. I don't see the point in that. If he doesn't respond then go to his mum, I see no problem with that. He's had sex, there's always a chance of pregnancy. He's been a dick to this previous woman and for blocking you.

At the very least his mum could tell you the medical stuff.

Well the population prevalence is 0.2%. I accept 1.5% chance isn't enormous (I haven't checked that figure) but it isn't spreading nonsense not to want to personally accept the increased risk.

3% of babies are born with a congenital disorder - everyone who has a child accepts that ridk.

Well, the prevalence of 'congenital disorder' isn't a flat 3%, it's currently more like 2.22% in the UK (NHS data) and 6% worldwide (WHO) obviously due to screening etc. Plus the total includes all sorts of reversible issues such as club foot, cleft lip etc so I'm not really sure what point you're making with regards to a known increased risk of something serious.

Obviously there is a risk of a child having some health issue in any pregnancy but it isn't 'nonsense' to have an lower acceptance of risk than you, it's simple acceptance of statistics and making one's own decisions.

Gotta wonder at your choice of man to shag. Did sex happen before or after he told you that he 'knocked up' another woman who 'dealt with it'. What a charmer! Then you mention other red flag behaviour on a first date, but you still had sex with him? You've got low standards, he's not even ONS material.
Tell him one way or the other if you want, but don't expect any interest in it from him, it's doubtful you could get money from him either if he doesn't want to pay up. As you say, your pregnancy is high risk, so why mention it until you know that it is progressing well?
I wish you luck, hope it all works out, but you seem to expect more from him than you were ever going to get. Just concentrate on you and your baby.

@Francisflute 'I'll be honest, it can be hereditary, it's horrible but it also has different forms. I'm not sure I'd knowingly have a child with a person with ms because I have a friend that are severely disabled by it and a second affected and going downhill'

Hereditary is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. My view is that your 'being honest' that an increase in lifetime risk to 1.5% is enough of a reason not to breed with someone with MS (and potentially giving the impression that people with MS might want to avoid having children) is a hugely negative take which may be really distressing to some people reading this. Although of course absolutely your right to 'be honest'

The initial quote is not mine. I said nothing about 'being honest'.

My point is that the poster is not 'spreading nonsense'.

I have a couple of serious neurological conditions. It's absolutely shit. I also don't agree with shutting down personal views based on fact just because they may not be nice to hear. Nobody has suggested people with MS should not have children. It is a matter of weighing up risk. If a 1.5% chance of transmission is acceptable, that is individual choice. If not, that is also perfectly fine. The PP was talking about their own stance. You have extrapolated that to what MS patients should do.

This has been helpful to know. Honestly it’s that. My own mum sadly wasn’t great to my dad and weaponised us as kids, and I ended up not really forgiving her before she passed. I wouldn’t want the same for my kid, so I want him to know, even if he has no involvement, so that in the future my own child won’t resent me for never telling their father. I would ideally want him involved in a platonic way so ideally we can both support the child, but I’m also strong enough to know he might not want to and am prepared for that also. When I say I have great parents to support me I mean my dad and step mum who are incredible people.

Not at all. I’m ready to have a child, I just don’t want my kid to resent me further down the line because I didn’t tell their father. I’m also health conscious as in the past I’ve had fertility issues / family health issues so I want to get the full picture. If he never replies or doesn’t want involvement… I wouldn’t care, but at least I’d be able to be honest with my kid, and not have the guilt of never having tried to tell him.

This was literally the best answer, thank you ❤️