Partner broke up with me two days ago devastated

[Aethelgifa]

I really need some help and advice. My partner of 12 years split up with me two days ago, it was a surprise and I am totally devastated and in so much unbearable physical and mental pain and in shock. I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.
In background we had been going through ivf, he had a breakdown 18mths ago due to work. Even through the ups and downs we always had a very strong bond. I didn’t have any worries about our relationship at all until very very recently when he started shutting me out and his mental health seemed to decline. He now has a nice job but started hanging out with 20 something guys from work, (we are 40s).
It almost feels like a mid life crisis crossed with mental health problems and just overload of life. He won’t tell me why he’s broken up with me, other than he’s empty and questioning everything but he still loves me so it’s hard. I think he’s gone to stay with one of these new mates.
I am utterly devastated, I’ve not much support in RL, his family had become my family etc.
Can anyone offer me a handhold. Thank you x

i would put money on his head having being turned OP

in time you will be very very relieved that you didn’t have children with him

I've found the mental health card was played when my exdh was playing away. Obviously it doesn't mean this for everyone but just to be alert to it.
He needed time to 'sort his head out' which meant a week in the sun with his bint

✋🏼 &((((HUGS))) if you'd like some.

its very very hard.

maybe he's had his head turned by another woman or maybe he just sees his new friends being young and carefree, going out, having fun & no/little responsibility and wants some of that for himself instead of worrying about ivf and other 'grown up' things.

who knows?

the pain is real whatever is causing it.

my advice would be to sort out practical things. He needs to move out (you don't want him to I'm sure, but he can't live there enjoying all the home comforts while 'being single'. That will just hurt you over & over (even if you want him to stay & even if you think you can cope). Start building your own life going out with friends, taking up new hobbies. Don't wait around hoping he'll come to his senses! (Tempting though it is)

he says he loves you (which is what you want to hear) but what you NEED to hear is him not wanting to be in a relationship with you & not even telling you why?? He's putting you into ' fall back' mode so if his new attraction/new friends doesn't work out, he knows he has a safety net. Thats not loving you.

knowing what I know now (55 been through a bit!!) even if he begs you to take him back I wouldn't (anymore! I learnt the hard way).

once he's fucked the trust you had in the relationship being solid, it's gone forever. It's likely he'll do it to you again too.

im really sorry about the IVF, but in all honesty, not having kids with him is a blessing in disguise. You only have you to worry about.

what's the housing situation?

you have my thoughts & support no matter what you do. I hope I can help you not make my mistakes, but sometimes uou just have to make your own mistakes. I didn't listen to anyone 🤷🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ I thought we were 'different' I thought we had 'something special' and it was long before MN. I wish I'd had MN's words of wisdom & that I'd listened!! I'd have wasted much less time & had a very different life/outcome.

Look after yourself xx

Yeah I don't like to add to your anguish here op but...it'll be a head turned scenario. It's probably better to know. But he's hit a lot of the bullet points indicating it and usually if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

He's probably not staying with one of the new mates. No 20 year old is going to put up a new, 40 year old mate. At least, not for more than a week. And guts don't tend to leave unless they've something (they think) will be more perminant in mind.

But for now, you need to focus on you. Get out of the mindset of how to 'fix' him (if you're there).

Ask yourself 'how can I best practice self care right now?'. Likely it'll be the little things. Making sure you get rest (even if it's not sleep) and exercise and try to eat well. Even if it's just little and often. Get out for a walk whenever it's sunny (once you're feeling up to it).

Block his number. Pack up his stuff and leave it round his patents place as soon as you are able.
Make it clear you aren't taking him back. Because he will try to come back. And frankly, you've put up with enough shit.

I know it might not seem it, but you've gad a lucky escape. Tf you didn't have a kid with him. Don't have kids with emotionally unstable men. I'm consistently horrified at how they let people take ivf in these situations. It's a horrible and exploitative industry imo.

Thank you for the replies. It helps.
i had wondered about an OW but logistically I don’t think it’s possible but I wouldn’t put it past him if at work he had found a potential OW or a shoulder to cry on. I don’t know?
luckily I own the house we live in, was supposed to be putting it on the market this spring.
im struggling to focus on me and not him, which I know I should.

oh it will have been logistically possible

where there’s a will there’s a way

12 years is a long time, no wonder you are blindsided. A different life has beckoned with the new job and being one of "the lads"- another escape from himself. You also have been having a tough few years too - supporting your partner and the physical and mental strain of IVF, especially on you having to take the drugs and have invasive procedures. Did your partner want a child? Perhaps, he doesn't feel cut out for the responsibilities of parenthood given his own upbringing(?) and MH and now that you are having IVF and it may become a reality he can't cope. He could well have been planning to jump ship for a while but has only now found the courage to speak out. You haven't had time to plan and process the break up.

He may have another cosy nest that he is expecting to jump into and saying he still loves you is just letting you down easy and making things easier for himself or he may find himself back at home in a few weeks time.

You may never know why he has done this - perhaps he isn't sure of all the reasons himself. So, you have to put yourself first. He has his new mates and his family to support him, you need to protect your own MH and stability. Grieve the loss of your relationship and the future you envisaged and be your own best friend. I'm so glad you own the house.

Thinking of you OP, your system must be in terrible shock. Try to get enough water and food. These first few days/weeks will be hard, be kind to yourself xxx

Are you in contact with him? Do you think there’s a possibility to sit down and hash everything out?

@SapatSea Yeah it seems like a big escape from responsibility for him. I think he did want a child but it was me always pushing for it tbh. And yes he did have a difficult childhood and no good father figure which had impacted him. although he has escaped that and started to do well for himself.

The ivf had been brutal and made me very sick. With hindsight shouldn’t have started it as there was supposedly nothing wrong with us, but I had had a miscarriage and got put into the system and was running out of time.

@loropianalover i feel so ill, have barely eaten or drunk anything and started to throw up when I did eat. Currently he’s ignoring me but previously had agreed we need to talk.

the house is full of his stuff, it’s everywhere, all our stuff is intermingled. He only took two bags of clothes and a spare duvet and pillows. I don’t think it was planned through at all.

I'm so sorry that you're in such a lot of pain

It's easy for me to say .....but if you can get through the next 3 months I think you'll be able to see him more clearly , see him for who he is

Pack up his things and put them in the garage or shed

Start to look after you - just little things to start with

Try to remember how precious you are

@Bestyearever2024 Thank you

he may have another woman or he may not, it’s not helpful to tell the OP the only reason can possibly be he’s having an affair.

Men are allowed to be unhappy in relationships, and to want to end them.

How are you doing op?

@CM97 im not sure? It’s coming in waves of despair. I guess I need to know why and if he really means it. I’ve been able to eat something successfully so that’s a win.

A couple of posters have mentioned about MH being used as an excuse. It’s actually the other way around because he says there’s nothing wrong with him, when there obviously is and he refuses to do anything about it, other than watch YouTube videos.
He had to admit there was something wrong with the previous breakdown because he had to get signed off sick etc. And there was some genuinely horrible stuff going on at his work with Covid etc

It sounds like a midlife crisis. Sometimes people think they can go back in time and do the things people a decade or two younger are doing. It doesn't really work of course and they just look a bit sad. Twenty somethings don't really want to hang out with middle aged men who remind them of their parents.

It is such a blessing you're not married and own your house.

I don't know whether he has another woman or whether he has had his head turned. But I do know that most women are not going to be too thrilled to find him on their doorstep with a couple of suitcases and some mental health problems - particularly if they are twenty five. He might well be back hence his saying he loves you but can't be in a relationship which means he can keep you on the backburner if house sharing in his forties doesn't turn out to be much fun and/or the potential other woman doesn't want a bar of him. I don't think I'd be at all inclined to take him back because he's not somebody who will have your back, is he?

Try and get his stuff packed up and ask for him to collect it. Failing that have it delivered to his supportive family. Or put it in a storage locker, pay for three months storage and give him the key and the details. I'd seize the opportunity to have the locks changed while he was elsewhere.

You will feel better eventually. Try to treat yourself gently. Do you want to do the baby thing on your own with maybe a donor egg and/or donor semen? Or have you thought of fostering?

I love him so much and just want him to come home. It’s such a horrible feeling 😭I can’t believe it. I’ve put 100% into our relationship and held nothing back, nothing at all. I’m so stupid.

I don’t think he’s told any of his old friends otherwise I would have heard on the grapevine by now and I know he’s not told his extended family, as only his mother knows. I find that weird too. He must have shut himself away from it all

You are ABSOLUTELY not stupid

You love him. You've done the very best you can with him and with your relationship

We're all here for you

It's early days. You'll find your anger in a while. Until then, try your best to eat, keep hydrated, and slowly move his stuff into bin bags and out of the main part of the house

Remember , as I said previously, you're very precious - don't forget that

I've recently read 'On a beautiful day' by Lucy Diamond. It's a novel, nothing high brow....but as soon as I read your post I thought of Laura from this book 🥰

This is an easy one. Kick him out. This weekend he leaves. No discussion. He collects his stuff and leaves.
Block him on everything

He'll either go off into the sunset (unlikely long term)
Or completely fall apart.
Or what is most likely is swan off into the sunset for a month then have a complete breakdown. Want to reconcile etc.

Then you have choices. I'm sorry but at that point I'd be feeling like I wanted a man I could rely on. Not one that spins off in a crisis.

Hi @Aethelgifa. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I had an almost identical scenario in January and am currently going through a divorce and house sale as a result.

Please get your ducks in a row as best as you can for now. As PP have said, it's very likely he's had his head turned. A lot of what he's saying sounds like The Script.

Get a good support network around you - my friends and therapist have saved me during this.

Please drop me a PM if you ever want to chat. I really sympathise x

I expect he’s found someone else too. They don’t leave for an empty bed as my old mum would say.
Next time don’t give 100% save something for yourself. Good luck.

I don’t know, I feel very conflicted and confused by it all. But the pain is unbearable I’ve not know anything like it before, it’s worse than bereavement and it shouldn’t be?

thank you @CleanShirt I will x

i read The Script and some things fit and other bits don’t?

I can’t get over how someone can love you so much and then suddenly switch it off. I could almost see the mental fight in his face, of loving me but trying not to, it was really really weird.

@Aethelgifa When I was struggling to understand my therapist told me I would probably never understand how he did what he did. All I can do is work on acceptance.

'He now has a nice job but started hanging out with 20 something guys from work, (we are 40s).
It almost feels like a mid life crisis crossed with mental health problems and just overload of life. He won’t tell me why he’s broken up with me, other than he’s empty and questioning everything but he still loves me'

Translation - I'm shagging a younger bird from work.