Partner broke up with me two days ago devastated

[Aethelgifa]

I really need some help and advice. My partner of 12 years split up with me two days ago, it was a surprise and I am totally devastated and in so much unbearable physical and mental pain and in shock. I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.
In background we had been going through ivf, he had a breakdown 18mths ago due to work. Even through the ups and downs we always had a very strong bond. I didn’t have any worries about our relationship at all until very very recently when he started shutting me out and his mental health seemed to decline. He now has a nice job but started hanging out with 20 something guys from work, (we are 40s).
It almost feels like a mid life crisis crossed with mental health problems and just overload of life. He won’t tell me why he’s broken up with me, other than he’s empty and questioning everything but he still loves me so it’s hard. I think he’s gone to stay with one of these new mates.
I am utterly devastated, I’ve not much support in RL, his family had become my family etc.
Can anyone offer me a handhold. Thank you x

@Aethelgifa Ha, men are so predictable aren't they, he doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you! Good for you mentioning your ex, do you not fancy going for a drink with him sometime, just for a catch up and then make sure you let current ex know ha ha I suppose thats playing games and you might not want to complicate things but it's tempting isn't it! I wouldn't message or text him again. He's not the man you thought he was and I don't see how you could ever trust him again if he did come back. You have to move on from this, you are only young and there will be someone else out there for you. Cut him out completely, he's being so secretive, not telling you his new address, he's obviously got something major to hide and it's another lover, whether it's a man or woman, you have to try and accept it. Put yourself first now and get on with the rest of your life x

It's really suspicious that he won't tell you his address.

I'm not sure there is another woman but I'd be thinking there was another man - he's actually moved in with one. But honestly you can analyse this to death and you might never find out the truth or maybe years later. I know it's trite but the grief and pain will eventually fade. I remember the grief and pain I felt about a man who didn't love me back - it was like an actual physical pain and every morning for ages I woke up and then remembered. Years later and happy with somebody else I can look back and remember the pain but it doesn't hurt any more.

It's important that you take care of yourself. It is probably nothing at all that you did that caused this to happen. Can you at least redecorate the bedroom with new bedding? Maybe buy some new clothes, plan a trip. Don't get your hair cut short or shorter while in emotional turmoil because it rarely ends well. Honestly, weeping in your bedroom is not helping your recover. I know you want to stay home and lick your wounds but it does help to get out and have things to do. I

You'd be better off f you stopped texting him about anything other than the logistics of getting his stuff out of your house. Dont er him use you fr comforting little chats in the future, when he wants to pretend he didn't behave badly and wants y make used your friendship. He's not your friend.
Dont play games, by dropping an ex into conversation - TS beneath you and makes you look like you still care and need his attention. Even though you still feel this, it won't help to communicate that to him.
Your best strategy to recover is to go cold - tell people you don't want to hear about him. The less you look and the more you cut him off, the better n the long run.

It's really hard to not think about a man who you still love.

I remember the pain I felt, even though it was 27 years ago.

Three years after we split up, I met my second DH. I had never thought that I'd fall in love again.

I know it’s pathetic but I still love him and want him to come home. I wish I could be angry but I’m not. I feel like I’m in a nightmare and am fighting to wake up.

i feel abit like when you have a fever and your brain and body aren’t in the same place or disorientation, which worries me a bit. Could be the meds I suppose?

I think it's a combination of the meds and the actual experience of devastating loss.

@TheShellBeach
you’re probably right

I feel broken. I don’t believe it, I’m still in shock I think but it’s been four weeks. It really feels like a nightmare I will wake up from.
i want to go on holiday like we normally do, I want to go to the places we normally go, I want to have the chats we normally do. I used to think when we are old I hope I die before him so I don’t have to be without him. And I’ve been replaced by these work colleagues, is my value so low? Surely not?

i know I need to get a grip, it just helps to write it….

@Aethelgifa you sound so broken… he really was your whole world and at the moment like feels empty and scary for you ., you are lost and shocked.
It has been 4 weeks which is not a long time vs 10 years building a life together so it is really understandable to feel how you feel. Don’t think it isn’t normal. We all respond in different ways .. like some posters are saying find your anger.. maybe this anger is not going to come and you will grieve for what you have lost and slowly heal.
Please do not rely on the anti depressants to only help you. Get up, shower , walk, exercise, see your sister / family/ friends. Start a new hobby that has no connection to him. Start to rebuild slowly. Start to disconnect things frok him mentally and physically.
In terms of being replaced by a co-worker I think like @TheShellBeach has said, he’s head has been turned …so it’s not just that he’s having a midlife crisis ( though his head being turned) is one aspect. I know you don’t have the anger but I have it for you! I feel most anger when he visited you a few weeks ago, gave you mixed messages and you ending up kissing! That is a head fuck!
Try take care of yourself and reach to this post for strength and support if it helps you xx

New to this thread. @Aethelgifa I wish I could give you a huge hug, make you a cuppa and sit and listen to you IRL. Your pain is evident in every post you’ve written. I hope you have some supportive family and friends around you.

This man is obviously lying to you. What about I cannot be sure….. does it really matter…… the fact is he is being deliberately secretive and deceitful. The fact he won’t tell you where he is living is the biggest red flag to me.

He is enjoying having you hanging on there hoping that he will come back, a back up plan if it doesn’t work out with his new “living arrangement”. It serves a double purpose to him - an ego boost that you still want him, plus a place to live in the future if he suddenly needs it. This shows clearly that he only thinks and cares about himself. He doesn’t seem to give a shit that this stringing you along is causing you huge hurt and anxiety. He knows it is……. And he is doing it anyway because it suits him to. Find your anger that he is deliberately causing you more pain, to make his own life better. Rip the plaster off and tell him no more.

He has pulled the rug out from under your feet, so you need to do the same in order to protect yourself and move on. Stop messaging him, stop meeting up with him. He needs to know that you are no longer an option and neither is your home. He made his bed and he needs to lie in it, whether it works out or not.

Concentrate on yourself - do whatever makes you feel a little better. Go to the hairdressers, go get a massage, meet up with friends as often as you can, join a club/hobby/gym anything to occupy your time and make you feel a little better about yourself.

I feel so so sad for you, this is frighteningly similar to what happened to me, even down to the mental health issues, the coming back for chats, giving me just he tiniest scraps of possible hope that kept me in a hideous state of limbo and grief and craving him back. To cut a very long story short, it was another woman. Dug a little deeper and he'd been cheating right from the start with various women. He has now married the other woman and has even tried to get back in touch with me, moaning he's not happy. I could never have ever thought he was capable of at of it the lies, the deceit, the utter lack of care seeing me distraught and heartbroken. I relate to that feeling you have of something darker and off swirling below the surface when you see him.

Please don't be me. I was so in love with him I let him keep coming back and walk all over me for (I'm very ashamed to admit this) several years after he left the first time. If I could go back in time I would block and delete him in every aspect of my ife from day one, I would have healed so much faster. Definitely think about some fun dating, it was the only thing that worked for me. And guess what, as soon as he found out, he was round here like a shot, telling me what a mistake he'd made and how much he loved me and he needed to be with me...all lies of course.

Here for you lass should you ever need to talk, I know exactly what you are going through and it absolutely a feeling worse and more painful than grief, it really is horrible and I get how you want him back and for every thing to go back to normal but it never can now.
He has broken that trust on every level, you never really knew him if he was capable treating you like that. So many men like this, selfish, full of ego, just awful. Mine came across as the most caring, steadfast, amazing guy. All fake.

My best wishes to you at this very horrible time but I promise you, the sooner you can get him out of your life, the sooner you will heal. Stay strong, you are worth so much more than this.

OP I’m going through similar but 5 months on. Same gone just like that no conversation prior. It has messed me up and If I was to ask him he would say I don’t know what I want.

he did cheat in the end but won’t share the details. I bet my house on him being with someone else OP. He’s either gay with a guy from work or it’s another woman. Him not telling you were he lives is the biggest red flag. He has started a new life but wants you on the back burner for his own comfort.

OP it's only been four weeks, and you haven't even begun to work out what's going on. Your mind is still in the early stages of grief.

No wonder you're so distraught. It took me many, many months (actually, it was a full year) before I started to feel okay again.

I eventually started to go out more - to the library, out for coffee with friends, and even changed my job. I joined a very good choir.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, and I do know how bad it is. Don't expect it to get better just yet.

When you feel your anger - that's when you'll know that you're beginning to improve and heal. Just a little.

How dare he not even tell you where he's living? The barefaced cheek of it! I am so angry on your behalf. If I could punch him on the nose, I would.

How dare he not even tell you where he's living? The barefaced cheek of it! I am so angry on your behalf. If I could punch him on the nose, I would

cmon now, she’s not entitled to know where he is living, just as any woman who ends it with a man, the man isn’t entitled as sad as it is, and as hard as it is, the relationship is over.

op, I hope you can take each day as it comes and start to heal and move forward. The ick feeling hopefully grows daily.

cmon now, she’s not entitled to know where he is living, just as any woman who ends it with a man, the man isn’t entitled as sad as it is, and as hard as it is, the relationship is over

But he knows where she's living. And he comes round for his stuff, just waltzing in and out of her life.

That's unfair.

The only time I'd agree that an address should be withheld would be if there had been DV. And in this case, there hasn't been.

The relationship might be over, but the man is cruelly holding all the cards at the moment.

well of course he knows. It’s where he used to live, it still doesn’t mean she’s entitled to know where he lives.

Thank you all for writing it really does help, I appreciate it.

I’ve been having a worse day today rather than the usual bad. Nothing much has changed in my situation, other than he’s being less nice to me.
ive changed my medication but it hasn’t helped really. I’ve seen a different therapist who wasn’t that good either.
i hope someone could give me a handhold, or tell me what a bastard he is, that might help because I’m struggling. I still haven’t found any anger lasting longer than 5 mins.

He is a bastard and it’s telling now he’s being less nice to you. It’s time to close the door on him and go no contact. Only by shutting him out will you be able to start recovering. You don’t need contact with him as it’s a constant reminder of what he meant to you. Please please don’t rely on the meds. I think try some apps that help you relax and some self help books. Start rebuilding …do what’s made you happy in the past as a solo activity. For me after my split it was gardening! For you it might be meeting old friends, cycling or going to an exhibition. I wish I had a magic want to take the pain away. He’s betrayed you and that is the crux of the pain. Sending you a firm handhold and squeeze!

I really feel for you. I agree with the last poster that it's time to go no contact with him. Why are you still in contact? Can I also ask how he is being less nice?
Please keep taking the medication, though. It isn't uncommon for meds to take 8-12 weeks for them to start being effective.

No contact will start a new chapter of healing. You won't have that will he, won't he text/be nice etc. Cut out anticipating what he is going to do and move yourself on. It's hard but be brave 💐

It had got better we had spent a day together and went for a 5 mile walk at his request, then we met up a few days later and he came around for tea and it was a lot more normal which was a relief.
Then he started ignoring me again and being shirty the odd time he did message and stopped putting kisses on the texts.
I’m still in contact because he was still mentioning about us trying again, and I will add all his stuff is still here nothing has been moved. He must be still living out of a few bags.
He’s rammed his time full at weekends and the week, so must be living in some weird blinkered space and no doubt having a great time with no responsibilities.
i need to find some strength from somewhere!

It had got better we had spent a day together and went for a 5 mile walk at his request, then we met up a few days later and he came around for tea and it was a lot more normal which was a relief

Honey. You need to stop seeing him.

Don't let him back into your life! He's cruel. You need to be angry with this man. You need to block him everywhere.

I’m still in contact because he was still mentioning about us trying again, and I will add all his stuff is still here nothing has been moved

Put his stuff in bags and leave it outside your house, and tell him to come and get it!

Is he still living with that random man? Has he told you the address yet?

Honey he still holds all the cards. This is so unhealthy.