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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner broke up with me two days ago devastated

147 replies

Aethelgifa · 25/04/2024 15:14

I really need some help and advice. My partner of 12 years split up with me two days ago, it was a surprise and I am totally devastated and in so much unbearable physical and mental pain and in shock. I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.
In background we had been going through ivf, he had a breakdown 18mths ago due to work. Even through the ups and downs we always had a very strong bond. I didn’t have any worries about our relationship at all until very very recently when he started shutting me out and his mental health seemed to decline. He now has a nice job but started hanging out with 20 something guys from work, (we are 40s).
It almost feels like a mid life crisis crossed with mental health problems and just overload of life. He won’t tell me why he’s broken up with me, other than he’s empty and questioning everything but he still loves me so it’s hard. I think he’s gone to stay with one of these new mates.
I am utterly devastated, I’ve not much support in RL, his family had become my family etc.
Can anyone offer me a handhold. Thank you x

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 26/04/2024 10:47

Your best chance of getting him back is also the same way to move on in this situation. He needs to feel your loss, so you should stop trying to communicate with him for now. Don't text - I bet you've sent a few, tried to ring etc? Cut that out.
Then occupy yourself by going to see your mates or take some leave and go away for a while - if he has a key, change the locks first.

DrJoanAllenby · 26/04/2024 10:51

You're going to feel dreadful at this time because you've lived the man and for over a decade you've had an every day routine with him so his absence is a massive upbeat in your day to day living/

But you will feel better if you are proactive at sorting the split out. Getting him to remove all his things or you will put them in bin bags and leave out the front.

Start organising bills and finances.

Find your inner strength and motivate yourself to take action to empower yourself, rather than sit in melancholy, weeping and wallowing.

You will get through this horrible time and be a stronger and brighter woman for it.

CleanShirt · 26/04/2024 12:18

DrJoanAllenby · 26/04/2024 10:45

'He now has a nice job but started hanging out with 20 something guys from work, (we are 40s).
It almost feels like a mid life crisis crossed with mental health problems and just overload of life. He won’t tell me why he’s broken up with me, other than he’s empty and questioning everything but he still loves me'

Translation - I'm shagging a younger bird from work.

Exactly what happened to me. Such a cliché.

hurklebum · 26/04/2024 12:53

Happened to me a few years ago. 20 year relationship. There was an other woman.

He wasn't decent enough to pack up and leave though, so I ended up sharing a house with Mr Nasty. What I did do is move myself and all of my stuff (I didn't have a lot and he is a hoarder) into the bedroom our kids used to use.

Making that one room exactly how I wanted it, and reconnecting with a few old friends was the start of my rehabilitation.

Distilling my long story into a few drops of wisdom (hah!) is this:

Get OK with yourself. Do nice things just for you. Say yes to opportunities. The rest will follow.

And, advice for future you: rebound relationships can be fun but keep it fluffy.

Oh, and the sexiest thing you can wear is confidence. Fact.

Elleviss · 26/04/2024 15:40

Sorry OP but from past experience I would bet you he's with another woman. My EXH went to live with a "friend" after him acting out of character and me thinking his mental health was suffering.(It wasn't, it was his guilt)
Be prepared mentally what you may have to deal with and don't blame yourself.
It does get easier. I would just advise against contacting him.
It would also seem he is keeping you on the back burner while he sees if whatever it is he's doing will work out.
Telling you he still loves you is softening the blow.
For now, take care of yourself. The sooner you do that the easier it will be.

TheShellBeach · 26/04/2024 15:43

I'm very sorry, OP.
What an awful thing to happen.

Elleviss · 26/04/2024 15:50

Also just to add, as a previous poster said, He will try to come back, BUT he will leave you all over again. My Ex did it twice, and both times he went back to the OW. So please be careful. He probably would have come back again if I allowed it .But there was no way I could put myself through all that shit again, back and forth. I am happy with someone else now and have never looked and felt better in my life.

Original poster
Aethelgifa · 26/04/2024 19:04

I’ve not had a good day to be honest. Tomorrow will be tough as I won’t see my sister until Sunday and have nothing to do and no one to see until then. It’s so weird being in the house by myself like this.

OP posts:
CM97 · 26/04/2024 21:21

Aethelgifa · 26/04/2024 19:04

I’ve not had a good day to be honest. Tomorrow will be tough as I won’t see my sister until Sunday and have nothing to do and no one to see until then. It’s so weird being in the house by myself like this.

Can you plan some self care? Or arrange to see a friend for a coffee?

Original poster
Aethelgifa · 26/04/2024 21:40

No one is available unfortunately. Think I need to get a grip, I’m being pathetic. Don’t think my hormones are helping either thinking about it.

OP posts:
Plumedenom · 26/04/2024 21:53

One thing you must remember is it's nothing to do with you and all about him and his midlife crisis. And that term trivialises but the crisis is real. You can't help him, you can't beg him to come back. All you can do is keep busy and find small moments of happiness and success. In your shoes I'd be tempted to have some meaningless sex with someone gorgeous.

danitheastrologer · 26/04/2024 21:55

Opentooffers · 26/04/2024 10:47

Your best chance of getting him back is also the same way to move on in this situation. He needs to feel your loss, so you should stop trying to communicate with him for now. Don't text - I bet you've sent a few, tried to ring etc? Cut that out.
Then occupy yourself by going to see your mates or take some leave and go away for a while - if he has a key, change the locks first.

This is good advice.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/04/2024 21:58

silenttwin · 25/04/2024 15:22

i would put money on his head having being turned OP

in time you will be very very relieved that you didn’t have children with him

I agree . Sorry about this op. I've been there and there's no pain like it but it does get better x

Original poster
Aethelgifa · 26/04/2024 22:45

I hope it’s just some madness and he sees sense and asks to come home.
i can’t think about being with anyone else right now it seems really wrong.
it doesn’t seem real at all.

OP posts:
GreyTonkinese · 28/04/2024 05:02

I hope you find your anger. He is a walking cliché. He couldn't even tell you the truth about why he was leaving you while bleating on about being in love with you. You deserve better. One of the things I've always been able to rely on is that my husband had my back. He has been there through hard times like when our sweet teenage son got cancer and I was terrified for him (and he turned out to have an excellent prognosis and is six years clear). I am sure my husband felt dreadful too but he stayed strong that we would get through it.

I hope you've managed to eat something and find something to occupy Sunday.

Original poster
Aethelgifa · 28/04/2024 09:49

GreyTonkinese · 28/04/2024 05:02

I hope you find your anger. He is a walking cliché. He couldn't even tell you the truth about why he was leaving you while bleating on about being in love with you. You deserve better. One of the things I've always been able to rely on is that my husband had my back. He has been there through hard times like when our sweet teenage son got cancer and I was terrified for him (and he turned out to have an excellent prognosis and is six years clear). I am sure my husband felt dreadful too but he stayed strong that we would get through it.

I hope you've managed to eat something and find something to occupy Sunday.

Thank you for asking me. He’s coming over at 12 today to get some stuff. I originally said no but he needed it for work so I relented. After I’m going to see my sister.
Im so glad your son is doing so well now! It must have been terrible for you all.

Thats the thing he usually did have my back and we looked after each other through all sorts of trials and tribulations?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 28/04/2024 13:33

How are you doing now, OP?
Did your husband collect his stuff?

Original poster
Aethelgifa · 28/04/2024 20:02

TheShellBeach · 28/04/2024 13:33

How are you doing now, OP?
Did your husband collect his stuff?

I’m ok thanks, it was weird. I thought he would rush in, get some stuff and rush out but he didn’t. We sat and had a cup of tea, talked about general stuff, he collected a few things, the thing he really wanted wasn’t even here it was in the boot of his car and he hadn’t looked properly. We ended up kissing, I opened the door so to speak to see if anything was there. And then we agreed to meet in the week to chat properly. I really don’t think there is an OW, and I don’t think he has spoken to anyone about anything, which I believe as he is so useless about talking about emotional stuff.
So God knows?

OP posts:
SapatSea · 29/04/2024 11:27

Did you confide in your sister? What was her take? Did you ask your partner about his MH and if he was seeking help? I think you should come up with a plan of what you want to address in your next meet up with him - write it down. Try and set the agenda so that you might get some insight or answers. How did you feel about the kiss?

Original poster
Aethelgifa · 29/04/2024 17:41

SapatSea · 29/04/2024 11:27

Did you confide in your sister? What was her take? Did you ask your partner about his MH and if he was seeking help? I think you should come up with a plan of what you want to address in your next meet up with him - write it down. Try and set the agenda so that you might get some insight or answers. How did you feel about the kiss?

Yes I’ve told my sister everything. She thinks he’s having another sort of break down (she saw him with the other one) and he hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing, and he didn’t really plan breaking up or moving out. And he’s abit useless and pathetic etc.
The kiss - I kinda felt the power dynamic shift abit which made me feel better actually, if that makes sense.
Thats a very good idea to write out what it is I need to know, I will do that, thank you.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 29/04/2024 18:08

I'm glad you had your sister to confide in and get the opinion of someone who knows your partner. If he is having a breakdown then he needs to see a GP and get some help - would he be open to that?

Original poster
Aethelgifa · 29/04/2024 23:01

SapatSea · 29/04/2024 18:08

I'm glad you had your sister to confide in and get the opinion of someone who knows your partner. If he is having a breakdown then he needs to see a GP and get some help - would he be open to that?

I previously asked him and he said he didn’t want to speak to anyone, and wouldn’t take any medication. I’m not sure what to do about that?

OP posts:
SapatSea · 30/04/2024 10:59

There's not much you can do. He needs to want to get help himself and you can't force him to the GP or a therapist - you could suggest it during your talk later this week, if it happens. Focus on yourself and trying to look after you. You need to maintain your own health. It's hard for others to understand the heart rending pain such strange behaviour and rejection of your life together from your loved one can cause.

Original poster
Aethelgifa · 30/04/2024 20:58

SapatSea · 30/04/2024 10:59

There's not much you can do. He needs to want to get help himself and you can't force him to the GP or a therapist - you could suggest it during your talk later this week, if it happens. Focus on yourself and trying to look after you. You need to maintain your own health. It's hard for others to understand the heart rending pain such strange behaviour and rejection of your life together from your loved one can cause.

I’m not used to focusing on myself, I find that strange.
It is unbearable pain, I’ve never known anything like it and it comes and goes in horrible waves.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 30/04/2024 21:10

Tbh I'd be raging if he tried to kiss me and then fucked off again. What a headwrecking twat.

Then again, maybe it was you that instigated.

If I were you I'd tell him YOU need some space. That shifts the power back to you.

Fuck his 'let's meet in a week (after I've shagged the other women a bit and might want to come back)'.

Find your anger op.
Its not a breakdown. He's just a standard, every day game player, trying to take you for a ride.

And the steps are the same whether you want him back or not, you need to take control and tell him you need space. And that YOU MIGHT contact him in a month or so.