Partner broke up with me two days ago devastated

[Aethelgifa]

I really need some help and advice. My partner of 12 years split up with me two days ago, it was a surprise and I am totally devastated and in so much unbearable physical and mental pain and in shock. I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.
In background we had been going through ivf, he had a breakdown 18mths ago due to work. Even through the ups and downs we always had a very strong bond. I didn’t have any worries about our relationship at all until very very recently when he started shutting me out and his mental health seemed to decline. He now has a nice job but started hanging out with 20 something guys from work, (we are 40s).
It almost feels like a mid life crisis crossed with mental health problems and just overload of life. He won’t tell me why he’s broken up with me, other than he’s empty and questioning everything but he still loves me so it’s hard. I think he’s gone to stay with one of these new mates.
I am utterly devastated, I’ve not much support in RL, his family had become my family etc.
Can anyone offer me a handhold. Thank you x

@lola1208
im so sorry you are going through similar, 22 years and children that’s such a lot of your life and I’m glad you have your children but I know it’s so hard on them too and so tough on you trying to keep things together. The Facebook thing sounds so callous and self absorbed. The character change is shocking isn’t it?

i can’t stand being in the house atm, I’m repulsed by it and I don’t want to sit on our sofa, so I go to bed but that’s our bed too. And I know he has none of this to deal with , it’s really not fair.

@justfindingmyway thank you I will

And to you OP to. It does get better. Last Summer completely out of the blue my DH left me after 24 years of marriage. I'm in therapy now and doing a lot better but I can identify with all your feelings, I've been there. All 3 of my boys aged 16, 22 and 31 aren't talking to him, not because he left but his behaviour since. Turns out he used money out of my last wage he had access to as we have a joint account to buy her an engagement ring and was engaged to her before he left me! Just one of the mad inexplicable things he did.

@PinkyFlamingo eww! So gross of him. I'd find a way to let ow know that he used your money to buy her engagement ring. If her Facebook isn't properly locked down I'd be inclined to post a public comment so all her friends can see it!

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Re the house, can you swap bedrooms or redecorate ? Do something to make the house feel yours and not shared ?

It's awful isn't it. People keep telling me things will get better but at the moment I can't see it. Everyday i am anxious and sad.

Sometimes I feel I’ve gone mad with it all, literally lost my mind at times. Going a few hours without crying is a win at the moment.

I actually didn't cry for 3 days straight and I thought great the tears have gone. Then they came back again 🤦🏻‍♀️ It's a rollercoaster of emotions

@Aethelgifa I think that it’s making it worse that he’s hugging and kissing you and sending you mixed messages.
He is playing with you emotionally and I think you need to put a boundary down which is no physical contact and meet ups.

It’s like he’s still keeping one foot in the door and it’s not going to help you recover from this.

Don’t let him treat you as an option.

I keep getting this horrible sensation of doom and fear that’s overwhelming. Then I tell myself to stop catastrophizing, problem being each time I’ve told myself that recently the catastrophizing has come true. How do I stop this?

Oh OP that doom feeling is so awful isn't it? I'm not sure I have much in the way of advice except to remind you that all the adrenaline and emotional stuff dwirling round your brain is making your rational mind try to put a practical explanation and the explanation it arrives at is 'doom'. You just have to keep reminding yourself that while it's horrible that partner has left, it isn't doom, you still have you, your home, your sister etc. It's just that the emotion centres in your brain are shouting so loud your conscious mind is struggling to keep hold of the 'not doom'

It's so tedious to have to say to yourself every three minutes 'its not the end of the world it just feels like it. I really sympathise.

(My brain does this to me even when nothing has happened so I take medication - and honestly there is no shame in going to the GP and requesting a short course if you are struggling with normal self care)

Can you ask your doctor for some medication to help you, @Aethelgifa

@lola1208 I read what happened to you and it’s so awful. The feeling that of betrayal is something that is really hard to get over esp when it’s your husband. I hope you get over this and put it behind you and find someone that deserves you!

@PinkyFlamingo

Turns out he used money out of my last wage he had access to as we have a joint account to buy her an engagement ring and was engaged to her before he left me!

Hopefully he doesn't have access any more to your bank account - and that you've taken st least 50% out of the joint current/savings bank accounts? If he's done the above he'll have no conscience about clearing out shared bank accounts.

Also if he has access to any online shopping or streaming accounts consider changing those ASAP so he can't spend /lock you out from those accounts. 🌹

The feeling that someone can unilaterally and profoundly destroy your life with no discussion is hard to deal with. The same no doubt for everyone that is struggling with this situation.

I have started taking antidepressants but maybe I need to up the dose or change type?

@Aethelgifa consult your doctor about this before upping any prescribe dose.:: they also take a while to kick in. My friend was on anti depressants when her mum passed .. start them with the intention that you will come off them and seek some kind of therapy to help you.
I know you love this nan however if you keep letting him come in and out of your life, kissing you then saying he doesn’t want to be in a relationship - no anti depressant is designed for this kind of mind fucker! try control the things you can x

Mean “man” and not “nan” !

They can take some weeks to kick in.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Just an update if anyone is interested. I saw him last night, he’s gone very cold. He wants to get his furniture he’s going to a rent a place with that young guy.
He said he hadn’t planned the breakup but just needed to do it at the time. He thought long and hard about it apparently, except he didn’t, as he hadn’t thought of any of the consequences on me - so many contradictions.
He was thinking about himself he said, and wanted to get “himself” back, which he couldn’t do with me. He’s wants to be by himself whether that’s months or years he doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to keep me hanging on and then in three years come weaseling his way back in.
So God knows, but it just really really hurts. I thought we had a commitment to each other, I feel betrayed.

This must be very hard for you OP. It's a massive adjustment for you as this has been your "normal" for the last 12 years. It sounds to me like he is moving on and you shouldn't waste your time hanging on waiting for this guy. The best thing you can do concentrate on yourself, do things that you enjoy and make you happy and try your very hardest to leave this relationship in the past. Time is your friend here and I think you will eventually be glad you never had babies with this guy.

Hi @Aethelgifa I've been thinking of you and hoping you were feeling a little better.

I do wonder if your thoughts about the younger guy are accurate, i.e. that your husband is now exploring a gay relationship.

My ex jumped straight into bed with a man (an old friend of ours) very soon after he engineered a split with me. He never admitted it, but the children were very aware about what was happening, and told me. I wasn't surprised tbh. He'd almost stopped having sex with me anyway.

Whatever the truth is about your husband, you've still been poleaxed by his behaviour. And not surprisingly. How could he be so cruel, after all you've gone through with the IVF.

Are the antidepressants working any better for you? Are you at least managing to sleep?

I think you should come off the antidepressants, with the support of your doctor. What you are feeling is normal and I'm not convinced that medicating those feelings away is good for you. It's just kicking the can down the road instead of allowing you to process your very natural emotions.

Get his shit out of your house asap (but don't give him free rein to do it while you are out in case he completely fleeces you!)

I know you won't believe it but in time you will feel better. I hope you come to see that you deserve far better treatment than you've received at his hands and I hope that without him, the opportunity opens up for you to meet a far lovelier partner

@TheShellBeach
There’s definitely something odd about sex going on. Maybe not gay (which would be a relief in some ways, although I truly empathise with you) of course I could be wrong. But his sex drive has been low for a while and I seem to be taking the blame for that. Yet it was only me that initiated. And it was a reason for the breakup but not important enough to speak about at the time. I don’t know.

And the antidepressants aren’t working any better so I’m being switched to a different one. I’m sleeping a little better but not right at all tbh thank you for asking.

Are you sure this younger man from work and work male friends actually exist? Have you met them? Do you think he was actually going out with another woman when he said he was going out with "the lads"? Do you think he's really moving in with a woman and this story about a young guy is a cover? Sorry to ask so many questions but I've been through similar myself with my first husband. He met another woman but kept coming back to our house, kissing me etc getting my hopes up then not moving back in. Turns out he was hedging his bets during the early days of being with the other woman. He wanted to keep me "on the boil" so to speak, just in case he'd made a mistake and decided to leave her, making sure he had somewhere to go back to. Basically, keeping his options open and massaging his massive ego! Then when he was staying with her, he went very cold on me. Do you know his new address? I'd be tempted to discreetly follow him or get someone else to and see if he's really living with another man. I know it won't bring him back but you might get some kind of closure and start to move on. I found the best way to get over someone was to meet someone new, even if it's just a bit of fun. I bet your ex will soon come crawling back if he thinks you've moved on and started dating again!

@EmmaPeele
i don’t know his address he wouldn’t tell me, I know the general area though. there is something not right about the whole situation that doesn’t make sense, everyone says the same in real life too.

it’s funny because he basically ignores most of my texts, so I try and barely message. But one evening I spoke to an ex boyfriend from 20 yrs ago (nothing in it, he contacted me about something, I hear from him every few years and tell DPto be open). But I in a fit of not caring mentioned it to DP in a text and for the first time in ages he immediately messaged back with a string of texts which made me laugh