Partner broke up with me two days ago devastated

[Aethelgifa]

I really need some help and advice. My partner of 12 years split up with me two days ago, it was a surprise and I am totally devastated and in so much unbearable physical and mental pain and in shock. I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.
In background we had been going through ivf, he had a breakdown 18mths ago due to work. Even through the ups and downs we always had a very strong bond. I didn’t have any worries about our relationship at all until very very recently when he started shutting me out and his mental health seemed to decline. He now has a nice job but started hanging out with 20 something guys from work, (we are 40s).
It almost feels like a mid life crisis crossed with mental health problems and just overload of life. He won’t tell me why he’s broken up with me, other than he’s empty and questioning everything but he still loves me so it’s hard. I think he’s gone to stay with one of these new mates.
I am utterly devastated, I’ve not much support in RL, his family had become my family etc.
Can anyone offer me a handhold. Thank you x

OP feel free to msg me. I’m in the exact same situation. He left just after Christmas though and did the same no conversation beforehand. It completely flawed me in six months on and at the stage where he hints he may want to work on things but also ignores my msgs for most part or takes long time to reply. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you are hurting but I found out for definite at the 5 months mark he was seeing someone from work.

I think men who just get up and leave and don’t want to talk before getting to that point, are trying to avoid conflict from shitty things they are doing and having to be honest so drop and run even when it’s been a decade or more with them.

if he keeps breadcrumbing or sounding unsure, I also feel this is so they can be comfortable knowing you’re on the back burner and also again to avoid conflict by just saying I don’t know what I want and then their actions saying otherwise.

you need to carve out a new life for yourself. It’s hard you cling to what you thought you knew, not wanting to give up hope that they had some sort of breakdown and will come around. It’s all excuses. From what you are saying it screams someone else. The fact he won’t let you know where he lives is telling.

As far as I know he’s still with that 23yr old guy and no I don’t know the address.
It is pretty fucked up isn’t it? I’m just kinda seeing it sometimes.

Thank you @Nothingsurprisesmeanymoree
i really don’t think there is anyone else but whether there is in 5 months time or not I don’t know?
i think I’m feeling very lonely, I’ve realised I’ve not lived totally by myself before, it’s scary.

I thought the implication was that your boyfriend was shagging the young bloke he's now living with?

If not, why won't he let you have the address?

I don’t think he’s shagging the young bloke tbh. I don’t know why he won’t give me the address, prob thinks I would stalk him or something. I wouldn’t I know when I’m not welcome but still.

It seems incredibly cruel to keep you dangling @Aethelgifa .
Everything is on his terms!
For you to accept its over (it really is and he's keeping you sweet so you don't chuck his stuff in the garden and or try to rumble his new set up) you need to remove his belongings from your home, get your friends/family to help you redecorate your living spaces and GET YOUR LIFE BACK.
You can do this.
Just because he's treating you like shit doesn't mean you have to join in.
🌻

so decade together am I right? He abruptly moves out without much warning or conversation.

He doesn’t want you to know where he lives and all you have to go on are his words of the situation?

im sorry OP but the biggest reason he doesn’t want you to know where he lives as it’s probably with someone new or hiding something.

Humans need connection and all the things that come with it. To go from long term relationship to just sitting about in a flat just ‘working on getting back to his old self’ is delusional. I say that as someone who didn’t want to believe it myself. He also denied it til recently.

Hes not being honest and it sounds like the communication is all on his terms it’s no way to live. My nervous system is so out of whack from it all.

It’s so, so weird. I suspect he’s not living with this bloke, but another woman. And he’s treating you both like shit.

I think, for your own sanity, you need to cut him off now, totally and utterly. Block everywhere. Beforehand, dump his stuff outside and tell him to come collect it before it’s taken or tipped. Be out when he does. (He’s treating you like shit so don’t worry about being ‘harsh’ to him. Fuck him.)

Then while he’ll still be in your head, he won’t be able to walk in and out of your life, treating you nicely then poorly, and living a secret weird double life. He’s hiding something. A lot. And your mental health is being destroyed.

Time to take control for your own sanity and dignity. Even if it hurts.

I mean this kindly but you need to take control of the situation and stop allowing him to mess you around like this.

There is definitely someone else. Whether it's another woman or this younger man.

Take control. Pack up his things and either drop them off with a mutual friend or a member of his family. Or at the least put the boxes in a room you don't use.

Stop contacting him. Stop allowing him to contact you. Stop cosy days out with him that are only causing you more pain and confusion.

The person who hurts you cannot be the person to comfort you.

You need to focus on you. How you start to rebuild your life. Not what may or may not be wrong with your ex.

Happened to me. You will feel despair but you will feel better and see it as a lucky escape but like all painful things it will take a bit of time.

Lean on family and friends.

Journal.

Accept that it will be a grieving process but it’s a journey with an end.

Focus totally on you

Remember he is just one man. I know you love him but he is not the master and commander of your life, you are. This is your one life op.

He’s shown you who he is when the chips are down, there’s better out there for you. You’re lucky, but it will take time to realise.

He will have met someone else or have a crush at work I’m sorry. Please tell him to - pack up, go no contact and then you focus on you and YOUR house, make your house a gorgeous sanctuary. Invite sis over for a drink and a girly night. No you will not be in the mood for this at first but I promise a giggle with a sister of friend works wonders!

Keep posting here - when I was going through this the women on here saved me and kept me going, they are wonderful and wise.

You loved him - that is good, you are decent and lovely, it’s part of life. You can look in the mirror and think I loved him. I gave my all. He can look in the mirror and see a lame-o idiot that is fickle and let you down.

Come on op you got it.

Ps it’s important to give your brain respite op so remember to get out for fresh air and chat with family, try to give worry time during the day to think of practical stuff and let it all out but one of the most important things is to give your brain a rest.

It’s harsh, and I have so much sympathy, but I agree with this. Get his stuff out. He’ll be so surprised you won’t let him jerk you around, plus it’s good for some self respect. And thank God the house is yours and you didn’t sell it and buy with him. You are actually in control of what happens next.

@Aethelgifa
I know this is an old thread but I just wanted to ask how u are doing and have u moved on a bit x

Thank you for asking @YerArseInParsley
I’m feeling abit more grounded in myself, still have bad days but not as low as when I was writing on this thread before. I’ve been seeing a private clinical psychologist which has helped, the regular nhs therapist I was seeing seemed to make things worse. I’m trying to build more things into my life, it’s very slow going but if I can keep taking small steps I’m counting that as a big win at the moment.

Things haven’t improved with him, he’s asking to get the rest of his stuff on the 12th.
I’m still not clearer from him what’s been going on. To other people he seems fine apparently, but when I saw him last he had an anxiety attack when we started to talk about the situation and seemed depressed. He seems to be spending more and more time by himself and doing extra projects at work at the weekends, to do with NFT’s and blockchain which is totally outside his area. He’s come out with more pseudoscience rubbish about relationships too. So it’s still very weird.

Bag up his stuff and have it in the doorstep on the 12th. Tell him if he doesn't collect it, it's going to the tip. He's had long enough!

This has been going on since APRIL, please bag his stuff up, get him to collect it all and be done with him!

Block him and move on with your life. You are too good to be sitting around 5 months down the line still waiting for him.

Find some anger and get him gone!

Good luck x

It is concerning you are still entertaining his feelings and wellbeing. I am sure if you have a good therapist they will tell you to cut him off now as he is hampering your road to recovering. Agree with the others, bag his stuff up as having it knocking about the house is just a reminder of him you don’t need. Good luck, you sound better 💐

he will no doubt get the stuff on the 12th. I can’t practicallybag it up and put it on the doorstep as it literally is the majority of the stuff in the house including the vast majority of the furniture.
I have felt anger to him, now I kinda pity him!

Why are you letting this person do this to you?

4 months on and you're allowing him to rule your life, he's not coming back.

He is going to take the “vast majority” of the furniture in your home. Now I presume that he owns them, paid for them. But that is just so morally wrong and cruel. He is not a good man. He buggered off and left you without explanation, refuses to tell you the reasons, plays with your emotions, has left you hanging on a string. And now he’s going to take most of the furniture and leave you living in a bare house.

I really don’t mean this to sound harsh, I mean this kindly - but I really want to give you a shake so you can see what kind of a man he is. Look at his behaviours over the last 6 months. He may have been a good man 12 years ago but he is not a good man now. He has treated you like shit and is now literally raiding your home.

Legally he can take the furniture, but is that what a good, moral and kind person would do to someone they have abandoned? He is selfish. He does not give a shit about your mental health or leaving you living in an empty home!

I hope this finally allows you to find your anger, see him for who he is today. Please I beg you to block him and never see or speak to him again after he has taken all he wants to take.

I think OP you are being too nice & pandering to his moods.
Get your sister/friends to help you Bag his stuff up and leave it at his work or mothers , 4 months of using your home as a storage u it is taking the mickey.
He no longer has the right to go inside your home or contact you .
Ask your friends and sister for their advice and help now
Hes being incredibly cruel leaving you dandling for the odd crumb of affection