Partner broke up with me two days ago devastated

[Aethelgifa]

I really need some help and advice. My partner of 12 years split up with me two days ago, it was a surprise and I am totally devastated and in so much unbearable physical and mental pain and in shock. I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.
In background we had been going through ivf, he had a breakdown 18mths ago due to work. Even through the ups and downs we always had a very strong bond. I didn’t have any worries about our relationship at all until very very recently when he started shutting me out and his mental health seemed to decline. He now has a nice job but started hanging out with 20 something guys from work, (we are 40s).
It almost feels like a mid life crisis crossed with mental health problems and just overload of life. He won’t tell me why he’s broken up with me, other than he’s empty and questioning everything but he still loves me so it’s hard. I think he’s gone to stay with one of these new mates.
I am utterly devastated, I’ve not much support in RL, his family had become my family etc.
Can anyone offer me a handhold. Thank you x

I opened the door so to speak but it was him that carried on and I stopped it - the kiss.
i have no anger yet I wish I did. I feel so lonely.

You are in shock and grieving - usually the anger comes later

Would you take him back if it was an ow? I suspect you would. The ivf may be a factor in your worry about losing the chance.

If there was an OW I wouldn’t take him back, that’s how my parents marriage broke up. If it’s mental health/ mid life etc then I would. I spoke to the fertility counsellor i used to speak to previously yesterday which helped a little.
Yes, I’m still in shock, grief, denial I think and I feel very very alone in the world for the first time.

I'm really sad for you, @Aethelgifa

@TheShellBeach Thank you 😔

Almost everyone I’ve spoken to in real life or online has said that they think he will try and come back, whereas I’m not so sure. I was wondering why people think that, if anyone can tell me?

When I thought my husband was having a breakdown, and was terrified of what he might do, desperately worried about him, etc, he was having an affair. I genuinely didn't believe it was possible until I found concrete proof. Just about broke me. Afraid I wouldn't write the possibility off.

Ditto.

I wonder if that's because you're so understandably upset. It may be that people are trying to let you down gently.

It does seem likely that there's an OW.

If there was an ow it would be easier to hate him. As it is I just really miss him - then I feel pathetic for that.

He's likely to come back for various reasons-

• it doesn't work out with the other woman
• she either won't let him live with her or, she does initially but then changes her mind
• He thinks he can juggle the other woman AND you because you seem desperate to keep him.
• He's grown bored with the fling and misses the home comforts such as you running around after him.
• it turns out the other woman isn't a doormat like he'd hoped

Rarely do they entirely let you go if they think they can yoyo between you both, making you play the ass kissing, pick me dance. Which it sounds like hes trying to get underway with the whole trying to kiss you bullshit.

Sometimes, 6 months or a year down the line or so, once the new thing is becoming stale, they come back sniffing about, hoping you're an easy target.

They don't come back for good reasons.
They don't come back out of love.
They come back, to rinse you, again.
Sorry.

Honestly though, at this stage, it doesn't matter why he's gone. You don't need to worry or even think about him, only he can help himself if he needs help, only he knows why he's really moved out.

You need to concentrate on YOU. You need to eat, be strong, sleep, exercise and take care of yourself so that you can cope with whatever the next stage is - whether it's finding out he has someone else, or he's having a breakdown (and doesn't want to do anything about it) or whether he shrugs it all off and wants to come back. In your scenario, HE doesn't matter, YOU do.

Thank you for the advice. I’m trying to pick myself up, I know I’m worth better than this.

Second the advice not to ruminate over why he did it/will he come back etc. It's all out of your control. The important thing is to get clear in your head what you need, how you expect to be treated in life, how you will find support to strengthen you (be it counselling, exercise, fun with your friends etc etc and indeed all of the above).

Know your worth, feed your inner woman, look after yourself.

How are you doing op?

@CM97 Thank you for asking x

Im feeling really weird tbh. I met up with him yesterday, we went for a walk. He did actually speak about some things he said he was mentally burnt out and his head wasn’t right and he had to get himself back. His complaints about the relationship were that the sex had become just about fertility and he felt like a sperm donor. That in the past when we didn’t live together and only saw each other at weekends, he couldn’t speak to me about things because I would get upset and cry. (We since lived together 5 years).
I noticed he has started rewriting history in that he doesn’t believe he had a breakdown over work (really he did) and he’s mentally fine. But it’s obvious he isn’t. I really don’t think there is an ow, he’s sort of retreated into a superficial male world, he said women are emotional first and think about facts second, men are logical and want to fix things - it sounded abit Jordan Peterson tbh.
Some of the time it was like normal and he still hugged and kissed me, but part of it was really weird and some of the things he said and behaviour was just weird and gave me the ick abit. He’s staying with that young guy, he said they might get a short term let together as the current landlord had put the house on the market. For some reason that situation with the young guy from work gives me the ick/ makes me uncomfortable too. So overall really really weird.

Hmm.

Do you suspect he's secretly gay?

My ex husband found loads of spurious reasons to break up with me. He very quickly started sleeping with an old friend of ours.

A male friend.

This must be so painful for you. It sounds like the stress of IVF may have manifested in different ways for you two. If you are able to get him into couples counselling it might be beneficial, if only to provide a more stable closure that honours your twelve years together, because the way he ended it is brutal for you. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with friends, family, whatever makes you happy outside of a relationship. Sending big hugs...

@TheShellBeach My friend asked me the same question. I don’t think so but there’s something not normal/right. It would make things easier if he was in some ways.

@Ellena646 i tried to get him to speak to the fertility counsellor but he refused. I do think some couples counselling would really help.

Its so upsetting and disorientating, and I feel pretty nauseous. It’s like the old him is there sometimes but then there’s this other darker, closed off him which isn’t normal, and the only other time I saw it was when he had the breakdown with work but that wasn’t directed at me.

Hey, just wanted to reach out and let you know I am thinking of you. You aren't alone in your struggles and if you need to vent/chat, my mailbox is open. I feel strange saying it too, but I find breakups a differing pain to grief because the person lives on in the same world as you, so it is hard not to dwell on their movements, what they might be thinking etc.

I don't know if it helps you, but I find solidarity amongst women on MN has been very comforting at times. We are all in this together xxx

Thank you @justfindingmyway for reaching out. I might take you up in the offer. It is such a horrible pain I’ve never known anything like it.
There is surprising comfort in anon women however remote, reading (which is almost like listening I guess), let alone contributing and expressing support x

Hi @Aethelgifa. I haven’t read every single comment but I didn’t want to scroll and not say anything. Him leaving most likely has everything to do with him and not you. Even if there is a lot of stress in the relationship, he should have talked to you. We all have options. I am going through something in my marriage right now, not the same situation entirely as my husband is asking to stay together. But I’m going through pain, and I wanted you to know that you’re not alone here. Please feel free to reach out to me if you would like to talk, vent, whatever it is you need. How are you doing tonight?

@Emilyjayne942 thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through pain too.
Ive had a bad day tbh and I’ve gone to bed early because I hate being downstairs by myself and I just want the day to be over.

I'm going through a similar thing. My partner left me suddenly after 22 years. He was having an affair with a woman from work. He's totally cut me and our kids off, it's like hes disappeared off the face of the earth. He's was only gone a week and he changed his relationship status to in a relationship with his new woman on Facebook. Even though our kids commented that it was hurtful and disrespectful he just deleted their comments.
He's like a different person, he's always been a great partner and dad.
I'm devastated, not eating or sleeping and come to bed early most nights to make the day be over. It's been a month now and I'm heartbroken and grieving the life I had.

Reach out whenever you need. Well grab a coffee each and chat as much as you like it if helps you x