Terminally ill partner.

[Leebar]

My partner is terminally ill. He has cancelled his divorce proceedings and arranged for his wife to receive part of his pension when he dies. I am living with him and look after him. He say he wants to stay with me and not his wife. I feel very hurt about the non divorce and pension agreement. Am I being fare?

No he has no idea how hurtful he is being. He says I am overacting!

His ex must be looking forward to a nice financial boost from all the money you’ve saved him from spending his on care and possibly housing, bills, food etc(if he’s not paying his way).

I can understand why it's upsetting but this seems to be a choice between the wife getting part of the pension or nobody at all? In that case I'd rather know the money I'd saved was going to someone who was a significant part of my life and would be continuing to support our shared (albeit adult) children, rather than disappearing entirely.

Given you're in a rental it seems unlikely there's much else to be passed on?

Then I’d be helping him to arrange hospice care!

Even the terminally Ill can be piss takers.

One thing is for sure and that is that he doesn't care about you one tiny bit. Tell him to go back to his wife or go and live with his children if they're adults. Alternatively, he should make his own arrangements.

When you say terminally ill, what is he prognosis? Are we talking days? Weeks? Even people in hospice manage to sort their affairs out! (And yes, sometimes that means divorce and remarriage in a matter of weeks - things can be sped up/expedited due to illness) Is your plan to care for him until he dies at home? That's one hell of an undertaking, and if you have given up your job to care for him or are going to, I would have a conversation whereby an agreement is reached so you are looked after in some way financially after his death, EIGHT YEARS is a long time, it's not a fling is it!

Nobody at all? His wife has not been a significant part of his life for the last few years- his partner has. Is there any reason why he should not leave the partner a share as well? He sounds an incredibly selfish, ungrateful and unfeeling man who doesn’t deserve the care he’s been getting , in the property rented by his partner

Wow eight years and he expects care from you at the end of his life and won;t even leave you a little bit of pension?

I know it's not. really about money but he is taking you massively for granted.

You have been asked several times, how long have you two been together?

Just because they're not actually divorced doesn't make her OW.

I’d make him read these posts!

I know people would say this is selfish but I really would say that having considered everything, including the (nil) provision he's made for me, and how low in his priorities I am, I don't feel I can give up any more of my life to care for him. Let the wife and adult children look after him.

Bear in mind you may regret the years you spend caring for him when he's gone and you have nothing. I wouldn't extend my love and care to someone that has demonstrated they won't extend love and security to me.

As he’s still married his wife will be his next of kin and therefore can take medical decisions and possibly financial decisions (not sure on that one). She must be laughing all the way to the bank with the knowledge that she’ll get his pension. Be ready for her to claim his possessions and cash if he has no will.

You can't just pass your pension on to whoever you like. Usually it's a spouse or nobody - that's my point. If he doesn't let his wife have it it will probably completely disappear.

If he expects this care from you then he should divorce his wife and marry you so you get his remaining pension (the wife will have had her share from the divorce). He'll also have an estate to leave which should be shared between you and his children. I wouldn't accept anything less.

Are you sure? I have been asked to name a beneficiary on all of mine and there were no restrictions on who I chose.

Totally bizarre. Why on earth isn't he divorced now if you have been together 8 years??

I'd be very hurt. So you're expected to look after him as he is ill and dies, yet he doesn't care enough about you to want to look after you financially? No way. I'd be seriously considering the relationship.

I am afraid I would be calling a taxi and giving his wife's address and he'd be leaving. Yes, I understand you have to give terminally ill people a lot of leeway but this is just unbelievable that he expects you to nurse him while he's dying, and plans to leave his pension to his estranged wife who is financially comfortable. It seems he doesn't care a great deal about you at all. I don't care if you were the other woman or not - he could have dragged his heels over the divorce - but he was the married one here if you were. You are not over reacting.

@Leebar

When you say he 'doesn't want' his wife caring for him, is that even an option? Has she offered? Because if I were her I certainly wouldn't.

Set aside all the "I should" or "I can't" wrt his terminal illness and you feeling like you 'can't' stop being his carer. If all those could simply go away, what would you do? Because if I were you I'd seriously be considering making 'alternative arrangements'

Personally the fact that he has refused to divorce his wife because he 'doesn't want her to get his money' doesn't paint him in a very flattering light, does it? Because it's not only stopped her from getting what she is rightfully due, it has also stopped him from providing for you by giving you the legal protection of a wife. If he wants all his assets to go to his DC, that could be dealt with in either a will or a prenuptial agreement but at least you'd have some legal say in his medical care and final arrangements.

Depends on the type of pension. Mine's a defined benefit pension (final salary) so an ongoing payment if I pass away can only be made to my spouse - at the discretion of the trustees. It's been known for them to deny a spousal share of pension for relationships that are short lived (on the basis that the pension wasn't a shared investment).

The only lump sums that are paid out of my pension happen if I die whilst still employed. Those lump sums do have a beneficiary nomination which is generally respected.

If the OPs partner has a pension like mine and isn't still employed by the company, then it's almost certainly a case of use it or lose it. His wife may as well get the money that he saved for a large chunk of their marriage rather than it just folding back into the pension pot. It's certainly what I would do.

That being said, if I was in the OPs partner's position I would also make some sort of provision for a partner that was with me for 8 years and is sticking by me for the final and hardest part of my life. Being completely cut out isn't acceptable, terminally ill or not. @Leebar would be entirely justified in shipping partner off to a hospice and making it clear that whilst the relationship isn't transactional, it should be based on care and he's showing none for her at all.

Caring for a dying man who leaves his money deliberately to his (ex) wife would destroy most people.
For your sanity have a serious think about the consequences of him dying actually in your home and how that'll make you feel about where you live.

He's seriously disrespectful of your eight year relationship.

I'd seriously be thinking about getting him out. Let him die with her and let her have that trauma.

I am sorry for you. This is horrible. I have learnt that tough decisions are sometimes needed for self respect and sanity.

I think people are missing the point here.
In the original post, OP said she is not happy that her partner is giving PART of his pension to his wife. We are not talking even WHOLE of his pension.
The wife has spent best part of 25 years with him and bring up his two children. This is an arrangement between him and his wife and nobody else.
It seems nobody cares about where the wife stands.

Other things to consider are that you may be unable to register his death which may also mean you are unable to arrange his funeral. Even if you can register, you will not be recorded as his partner, his wife will be named instead.
I'm sorry that you are going through this all.

It may well be that there is only part of his pension to give. My DH is already receiving his company pension and on his death I get a portion of it payable to me in future. We don't have enough facts from the OP to decide whether he is being unfair or not or whether it is a future pension or a pension he is already receiving. Or what type of pension it is.