Terminally ill partner.

[Leebar]

My partner is terminally ill. He has cancelled his divorce proceedings and arranged for his wife to receive part of his pension when he dies. I am living with him and look after him. He say he wants to stay with me and not his wife. I feel very hurt about the non divorce and pension agreement. Am I being fare?

So will you have to leave the house when he passes away?

100% This.

Where do you live? Do you have your own home and income.

I'm so sorry your partner is ill. More sorry that he is being an arse.

Ha was already going through divorce proceedings before he became terminally ill.

I have a rental in my name so there is no issue there.

I would feel very hurt in your position, OP. I wouldn't know why he was preferring to give his ex wife his pension instead of me. Nobody does that! I think he didn't get an immediate divorce and change the pension, I would think he didn't love me as much as her, and I would leave.

You realise his wife is legally his next of kin dont you?
She can make medical decisions about and for him, she doesnt even have to tell anything let alone consult you

Well she can bloody nurse him then.

@Leebar
Does your partner realise how hurtful this is to you?

I'm sorry your partner of 8 years is terminally ill and I think you're a saint to take care of him when he's leaving almost everything to his family.

I couldn't be that kind because I'd feel resentful and I'd be leaving his care to the people who will benefit financially from his death. I couldn't continue to love someone who was just using me as an unpaid nurse and domestic slave.

OP I understand why you are hurt.
His wish is that his ex wife reaps the benefits of being his next of kin while you bear the burden.

Unless you are happy with this, which clearly you are not, then you need to make some changes. You can't control what he does but you can control what he can tolerate.

I am baffled at the earlier poster saying that treating the OP like this is " doing the decent thing".

I'd feel very hurt. He's giving to his children and to his ex wife, hasn't thought about you at all. But is happy for you to spend your days caring for him? You're just the unpaid help really. How was your relationship before his diagnosis? How has he treated you besides financially? Does he appreciate what you're doing?

Thankyou all for your messages. Apologies if all questions were not answered. I am new to Mumsnet.

What does this mean? That you live with your partner and rent a house also or that you live with your partner and own a house which you rent out?

Your being very vague (or ingenious) here op and I can't help thinking you're not telling the whole story.

Also did you see my question about the pension? How much is the part of the pension that he's giving his ex and who is he leaving the rest of it to?

Do not keep saying ex wife.She is his wife. Or this would not be an issue.

8 years is a very long divorce.

Did he contribute fairly to the household before he got ill @Leebar ?

I thought that on the last page. I’ve pointed out that she’s not answering the relevant questions that would perhaps justify his actions, and she’s replied sorry I’m new. But still hasn’t answered the questions. I don’t think we can judge without hearing his side. He’s not been kind enough to make sure his ex wife of 8 plus years ago is ok, but then left his actual partner with nothing

None of this makes any sense.

This happened to a co-worker, her partner died without finalizing his divorce, his estate went to his still wife (she didn't care about that) the still wife barred the partner from his funeral (she was devastated, they had been together years and she had nursed him at the end too) so just prepare yourself OP for this scenario.

Utterly agree with this.

It's the main thing re marriage is rights.

His wife can push you out completely. He needs to make a will.

There’s no way I’d of stayed with a man 8 years without him divorcing his wife. That being said.. my partner had two of his exes tattooed on his arms…. 10 days into our relationship they were gone. I don’t know how the ex in between me and his first handled seeing that on his arm every day 😂.. he doesn’t see you as important enough to do anything for.

is he not leaving anything to you op? This is not good. He isn’t considering your needs at all and after 8 years together, he should.

You've been together 8 years?
Nah tell his missus she can have him back

That's totally grim. I'm so sorry this is happening to you

Hes right. She would have been entitled to it from the divorce this way its avoiding the nastiness and solicitors fees that goes with it all

He would have potentially have to have given 50% of his pension to his wife through a divorce settlement so he’s doing the decent thing. As for any inheritance, totally correct it should go to his adult children.

Why you’re still there though is baffling!