Terminally ill partner.

[Leebar]

My partner is terminally ill. He has cancelled his divorce proceedings and arranged for his wife to receive part of his pension when he dies. I am living with him and look after him. He say he wants to stay with me and not his wife. I feel very hurt about the non divorce and pension agreement. Am I being fare?

@fatshamedbyfamily You mean she somehow calculated the odds he was going to be terminally ill after an eight year relationship. To be fair, most people in that circumstance would expect their partner of eight years to have enough affection for them to make some provision for them to make their life a little easier rather than signing them up as unpaid carer and deciding to stay married to their estranged spouse.

Was she a SAHM? Did she give up her career in any way so that he could build up is pension pot? Was he only able to build a pension because of her help? If so, she has a right to his pension, sorry.

I think the OP’s OP speaks volumes:

She said they’ve been together for 8 years, he is living with her and has stopped divorce proceedings but wants to stay with her and not his wife.

If you read that post it seems clear that the OP was the OW for eight years, that he has perhaps recently left his DW or maybe she found out about the OP and threw him out, and that he has told the OP he started divorce proceedings but was then diagnosed with a terminal illness, and has either stopped divorce proceedings, or never started them in the first place, perhaps because of regret, perhaps because of guilt.

Divorces don’t take eight years. And the OP is being evasive enough that it’s pretty obvious this isn’t a black and white case of OP has lived with someone for eight years and is being screwed over because this would have been the case for the preceding eight years, irrespective of terminal illness.

If she’d lived with him for eight years why was she not upset about his not being divorced until it turned out he was dying? She’s not entitled to his pension either, and she’s not his next of kin and wouldn’t be even if he was divorced.

Yeah I think you e pretty much nailed it there

I know somebody this has just happened to. OW. Wife kicked him out. He has lived with OW for several years and didn't get round to divorce or updating his will. Died after a short illness. Wife got everything (substantial amount in the million plus bracket), OW excluded from funeral and got zilch. I am struggling to feel sympathy for her to be honest. Obviously if this is not the case for OP, then I am sorry this has happened but more fool both of you for getting into this mess.

So he wants to stay with YOU but he wants HER to get the money, lovely.
Id leave him, you have nothing to lose and he can pay a carer to look after him. He knows his wife won't, so oyu are now a free carer for him. Please leave.

@Leebar

If you indeed started out as the OW he left his wife for, then I'd say him giving her the pension, or part of it, is nothing but restitution and well done to him. And you left being his carer with nothing to show for it is pretty much what you deserve. An OW pays her money and takes her chances. In this case you've had eight (presumably) good years. Be glad of them and when the time comes, let his children take the lead and move quietly to the side.

If by any chance you came along after they'd separated, and I mean living separately, not just 'they haven't really been 'married' for years', then perhaps him wanting to give her part of his pension is a gesture he's making for the benefit of his adult children. To show them that he valued her as their mother, even if they couldn't make a go as husband and wife.

But either way, start looking to your own future now as far as your own house and your own financial security. And by this I don't mean badgering him to provide for you to the detriment of his children, I mean take stock of what is already yours right now and determine how you will live within your means when the time comes.

Why are you lying though? I’ve just gone through every one of her posts and she hasn’t said that anywhere. Just that he’s ill and she cares for him. That could be making him a cup of tea and driving him to appointments. Nothing about ‘nursing and intimate care’, and she’s avoiding people asking her what she’s actually doing

@fatshamedbyfamily

She was the other woman. Divorces don't take eight years.
Oh look at you. A soothsayer are you. Divorces can take a long time because no one bothers to instigate them. If a man leaves their wife for another woman do you honestly think this would low down a divorce. Take your nastiness elsewhere.

Let me guess.
Your ex left you for someone else a decade ago and you are still bitter so try to make yourself better by sticking the boot in on mumsnet. It's all you can do because in real life everyone else has moved on.

It will be intimate care eventually. Thats what i meant

This happened to a friend. I think people are being incredibly unfair to OP.
In my friends case the couple had lived apart , separate lives for 10 years, he avoided divorce so that she wouldn’t get his money.
There was a very clear gap and friend was NOT the OW.
He planned a future with my friend. They had a home together.

In the end he was too unwell to go through divorce etc and believed that his family would look after his partner who cared for him in his last 18 months. The family and wife inherited everything. Ex was NOK and totally blanked the partner at the death funeral etc.

I am so sorry OP.

There are some nasty people on here tonight. OP is being treated very badly with nothing to say she is an OW

Why is he doing this? Did he have an affair and it is a payback? She took a step back to raise the kids so he's paying back? He regrets the divorce? He just feels like it? He's not fit to make decisions?

Do you live in his house that will go to the kids? Is he expecting you to take care of him or does he want his wife to do that? Who is he expecting to handle everything and do the decisions for him?

My mom's close friend had an acrimonious divorce. I remember hearing the stories as a kid. Anyway, time went by and my mom and friend were not in touch as much. They recently had a phonecall and the friend had become a carer for her ex cause the ex wanted his first wife by his and not his (affair) partner of two decades. And this was a couple that refuses to be in the same place for their child's wedding and grand children's christening.

I'm not saying this is happening to you. But you need to prepare for being shut out of everything once he gets worse. And have a conversation on what he actually wants and he needs to tell it to his wife aswell.

The situation is very shitty, good luck with everything x

That’s not fair on you. Time for him to pay for care at home 24/7. Check your rights and options as you might be homeless once he passes.

There no time limit on divorce. When I split from my ex we didn't divorce until about 7 years later as neither of us was that bothered. I did make a will with my new partner though.

In my friends case the couple had lived apart , separate lives for 10 years, he avoided divorce so that she wouldn’t get his money. quite the charmer then. Not. Good on the ex.

Sounds to me as if your friend knew what she was getting into though. She knew he intended to stay married. And you really can't 'plan a future' with someone who is married, no matter why they're staying married. The legal implications are just too huge to ever feel truly 'safe' unless you, yourself, are financially independent. That she didn't either safeguard her own financial position or give her partner an ultimatum to 'put it in writing' if it was discussed that he'd provide for her is on her. It's unfortunate that she put herself in such a vulnerable position, but she did it of her own free will. And she stayed in that position of her own free will.

I guess I look at things from a somewhat cynical point of view. DH and I have been married over 35 years with joint finances, I trust him with my very life. But still, I've always had financial independence. Not just for 'me', but in the case of him losing his financial 'stability'. It happened once, when our children were small and he was hurt on the job. The fact that I worked carried us through. So when I see women who have put themselves in financially vulnerable positions I always think "What were you thinking??" followed by "There but for the grace of God (and good planning) go I".

We don’t have property He lives with me in a private rental and the tenancy is in my name.

At least you won’t be homeless, but it seems all the more cruel that he’s benefiting from your care in your home, while leaving everything to his estranged wife. I would have that discussion with him

Does he/ has he contributed to the rent and bills? As he’s leaving everything to his ex I’d say to look for a care home he can pay for.

ISITNOWOVER 123. I am still there because it’s a private rental and the tenancy is in my name. I don’t have the heart to ask a terminally ill person to leave.

But he has the heart to treat you badly! Please explain how you feel, and that you have been supported by posts on here- perhaps that will make him see how unfair he is being.