Terminally ill partner.

[Leebar]

My partner is terminally ill. He has cancelled his divorce proceedings and arranged for his wife to receive part of his pension when he dies. I am living with him and look after him. He say he wants to stay with me and not his wife. I feel very hurt about the non divorce and pension agreement. Am I being fare?

How long have you been together?

Where will you live in the future?

Are you working as well?

How old are you?

As far as he is concerned it’s just a legal entitlement that she will be able to receive.

I think how long you have been together is an important factor here. He was married 25 years and his wife would have invested a lot into that. If you’ve been together months then I think you are being unreasonable. If you were together several years and before his illness then I think you are right to feel a bit hurt.

I would be worried that his wife will be his next of kin and will be the first point of contact and can make decisions for him if he is unable to.

Are they still amicable?

We have been together for 8 years before he became I’ll..

This is so sad for everyone OP, especially your partner.

I understand he was with his wife for such a long time, and if they're not divorced yet am I wrong to assume they've perhaps not been separated a huge amount of time?

She's going to lose her husband, someone she was with for 25 years and her children with lose their dad. Getting some of his pension on his death may make her life more comfortable, may allow her to buy a few things for her DC and may just give her a larger lump sum payout than if they divorced now and had to split the pension.

How long have you two been together? If they're still married, are you the next of kin for any medical matters? Although you may not under his decision making, at this time I think I wouldn't personally challenge it.

That's a horrible situation OP, but I would be having a conversation about things with him. The most pressing one would be what happens to your (his) home when he dies, as you may find yourself homeless if the house is being passed to his children, it would be in your interest to start making plans for as and when that happens, nothing should be left on 'trust' that you will be taken care of, if he wants that to happen he needs to arrange it before he gets too ill.

Also something to consider is that his wife will most likely be his next of kin if they are still legally married, and as such all things like funeral arrangements will be made by her/his children.

I work in the funeral sector and have seen situations like this where the person who lived with him and in some cases had been together a long time (20 years plus) had absolutely no say in the funeral arrangements and were completely cut out of the process by the family who were 'technically' his next of kin, it's awful for those left behind to have to deal with.

Became ill.

I'd feel hurt too OP. Sorry, I know this seems harsh as he is very ill, but I think he's got a bit of a cheek to cancel the divorce and expect you to carry on nursing him!

Ok. Wife can take over the caring then! This seems rather unfair to me and lm sorry he is doing this

Thankyou I agree.

Thankyou I agree.

So to be clear, he’s leaving you nothing at all? And you’re living in his house?

Same here!
@Leebar is a free nurse, and home care is hard work emotionally and physically.

The wife must be chucking with glee- her adult children get the house and she gets the pension all without having to nurse her husband!

Why do you suddenly want him to be divorced?

You’ve been with him for eight years and he hasn’t got divorced before now? So why should he get divorced now?

I would be resigning from the role of slave.

I think it looks like he is looking after his family. However you have been together 8 years. Will you struggle once he has gone financially? I’m wondering if you were the other woman or he moved on quickly and now he is acting out of guilt? In his position I would consider you as well. Time for a chat op.

He's sending a clear message that his wife is more important than you are, since she is his next of kin then the next of kin duties also fall to her.

The ops dodged a few important questions though. I’d love to hear it from her dps point of view. I know this is a bit of a stretch, but for eg she may have been a complete fanny lodger, moved into his house with minimum contribution, made his life a misery. And this is his ‘fuck you, you’re not getting my money’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

Probably for the reasons @sandyhappypeople gives above. It's actually more important for him to be divorced now than at any time.

If they weren't divorced, presumably they haven't sorted out a financial settlement yet? I can see why he doesn't want to go through that. She may well have got his pension, or a large proportion of it in that situation anyway.
Are your finances joined with his? Does he propose any provision for you at all?

If it is the case that the op is exploiting her partner then it's in his interest for her to move out and let his wife take over the caring role.
Whichever way you want to spin this op should be stepping aside and casting off the burden of being a carer.

@Leebar If you were the reason his marriage foundered, then he probably is acting out of guilt.

I hope it’s not his house you are living in, or you will be homeless when he dies, unless you have your own property.

Everyone is getting a good deal bar you. ( and obviously him) but he does sound rather like he has made zero provision for his daily carer.

Wow ... I feel for you thats really harsh... Maybe she can look after him then.....
How is the housing organised..and your support and income..

To be frank it looks like he obviously doesn't care about your life after him ...as much as his ex wife of at least 8 years....

You need to look after yourself too.. financially as much as emotionally.. don't spend what you can't afford either way...

Who owns the house you live in?

You say his ex wife is getting part of his pension - what pecentage of a part, and who is getting the rest of it?