Terminally ill partner.

[Leebar]

My partner is terminally ill. He has cancelled his divorce proceedings and arranged for his wife to receive part of his pension when he dies. I am living with him and look after him. He say he wants to stay with me and not his wife. I feel very hurt about the non divorce and pension agreement. Am I being fare?

But good enough to nurse him and provide intimate care

So after an 8 year relationship, he expects you to look after him while he leaves everything to his estranged wife and family? Unless there is some massive drip feed about previous financial help he has given you, I would feel very hurt and I wouldn't be sticking around.

Why did he cancel his divorce proceedings? He should have brought them forward! As he’s getting his affairs in order, at least he should make sure you are provided for. His actions sound very callous and insensitive, and puts you in an unenviable position. Why not discuss this with him. Surely he will see how hurt you are!

Do you work?

Why should that matter? The point is, the OP is hurt by her partner's actions.

Why has the divorce taken so long?

Are you the OW perhaps and he hasn't actually been split up with his wife the 8 years.... Perhaps he feels guilty so wants to leave his wife her entitlement

Either he makes provision for you in an updated will or I'd leave the caring to his wife and children. Ill or not he's being monumentally unfair

First reaction: surely your DP’s first reaction should have been to ensure you’d be ok after he passed!

Second reaction: when people are terminally ill, things come out of the woodwork. Affairs. Second families.
Its also not unheard off that people get back with their ex.
So lots of possibilities there. From the fact he never stopped loving her to the fact he has an affair with her. It certainly would explain why he was so reluctant in finalising the divorce in the first place.

im really sorry @Leebar
It must be galling to see your DP treating that way whilst expecting you to still care for him well until the end.

And btw yes he is extremely unfair.

Hard as though it sounds he's using you.

You are good enough to provide end of life care but he's not bothered about what happens to you when he's gone.

I'd move out but then I'm in a 'no fucks' mindset at the moment.

The next of kin argument is a red herring.

The OP isn’t married to him, therefore she wouldn’t be his next of kin even if he was divorced - his children would be.

This is why IMO it’s important to get married, because when something like this happens the live-in partner looses all rights, and if for instance the children are particularly against him/her they can take over everything and he/she can go from having a relationship to nothing within days.

I’ve seen it happen. Someone dies, and the adult children or the siblings or whoever is the next of kin take over, throw the partner out of the house, ban them from the funeral, and leave them with nothing after sometimes a decades long relationship.

He can't leave his pension to someone he isn't married to or in a civil partnership with. But yes, a real kick in the teeth.

Why did you get involved with a marriage man for 8 years?
Now, you got your eyes on his pension pot.

I’m inclined to think that TBH.

OP has been very evasive which makes me think there’s more to this.

So he’s cancelled his divorce proceedings, and yet if they’ve been divorced for over the five years the wife can just divorce him and claim half of everything he has. And yet she hasn’t? Why?

I wonder if he’s even separated.

That's really unkind. I'd be upset if I'd been with my partner for 8 years but he didn't look after me financially, and me him.

If she’s stopped work to care for him and he’s refuting to provide for her in anyway he’s being even worse. She’s right to be hurt! Hopefully she’s not relying on him financially at the moment.

Why on earth has the divorce taken 8 years?
Something isn't adding up here.

What's the actual story OP?

Yeah but then the unmarried partner needs to realise they've been daft in that situation.

Hanging around forever with no ring on your finger is madness.

@Leebar has you DP not just stopped divorce proceedings which were already underway before he became terminally ill, because, rightly so, he needs to focus on his final days and not spend his finals day embroiled in court hearings and solicitors? 99% of pp will make that call.

So, do you know what DP wanted as a final divorce settlement? Maybe the half of pension is what DP has always wanted ex-wife to receive as part of court order, so he thought, cancel court proceedings and Gove her half pension, so same result.

By the same token, do you know at all what ex wife wanted the court to Gove her as divorce settlement?

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From there, you then consider why you feel hard done by.

And, what sort of 'caring' are you doing OP? Any professionals come in daily/weekly to see him?

The story is not clear or you have intentionally left out lots of details.

Be aware that when he dies you could be completely left out if any funeral arrangements. His wife will legally be the next of kin. That might hurt.
If he isn't choosing to have you named in his will as having any choice in any matter then I really would question his feelings for you. I would rarely say to leave a terminally ill person but his choices make it a definite option here
After 8 years I would expect to have some token amount left to me just as a gift

She’s every right to be upset by his heartless actions

Completely agree! What a shame he didn’t sort his financial affairs before he became so ill

He may well have been separated and he was the one that was married after all rather than the OP.