Would you date someone (male) from the MET police?

[Givemeonegoodreason]

Interested to know, would it be a non starter? I'm female and happy (lucky) to be single but might change it one day!

It’s understanding how culture and values work in groups, and assessing risk.

Not only are there systemic cultural issues within the police force (which are a matter of public record), these are also individuals with disproportionate power to subvert justice – should they so wish. So we can take into account how we would feel about having to report a police officer for DV or coercive behaviour — vs the (already grim) prospect of doing so with the average layperson.

There are demonstrated issues with reports about police officers not being taken seriously by the police force.

That’s not to say every single police officer commits DV or is misogynistic. But there is a demonstrated culture of misogyny. And if you’re unlucky enough to find yourself with an unpleasant, coercive or abusive person who is also a police officer, you may be in a much more vulnerable position than if they had almost any other job.

If we knew the police were generally good and trustworthy in handling this sort of situation, it would be less of a concern. But they are too often not.

Of course, this access to power may also be what draws some unsavoury individuals into the profession.

@cuckyplunt

So much prejudice, these are public servants doing a dangerous demanding job. Of course there are bad ones, like there are in any profession, but would you really write a whole group of people off like this?If you do it because of race, it’s racism; sex, it’s sexism! What’s the difference?

Being a police officer isn't an innate characteristic.

And not being physically attracted to people of every single race doesn't make you racist.

Not being physically attracted to someone because of their sex doesn't make you sexist.

Who people want to date is entirely their choice.

I'm sure police officers wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't want to date police officers so it's not a massive deal really.

The bigger issue is the reason why so many women wouldn't choose to date a police officer. Maybe people should really listen to those reasons instead of claiming prejudice.

Lots of people in my family are police officers. Most of them are lovely and work really hard. None of them would encourage their kids to date someone in the police, many reasons. Shift patterns, a huge number of affairs due to the high pressure environment (similar to paramedics) and yes, the problem of systemic misogyny and mishandling of domestic violence within the police.

But of course its tarring them all with the same brush - don't you understand what that saying means? It's when you make an assumption that all people of X (race/job/background) are the same, or exhibit similar values, or at the very least are significantly more likely than average to have/do/be it.

You wouldn't apply that to any other feature (on the balance of averages hairdressers are much more likely to be stupid than other professions, scottish people significantly tighter than other nationalities, black people are generally much better at sports than any other race) so why would you do it for this one specific job?

To 'play the averages' you'd have to assume that a significantly higher proportion of police officers are terrible people it's too much of a risk to date - but there are nearly 100,000 male police officers in the UK - if you added together every single one of the cases that had hit the press recently you wouldn't even get 0.5% of that.

Who would benefit/lose out from me not dating someone wasn't the question. I'm not arrogant enough to assume that me swiping the wrong way on a police officer on tinder would ruin his life. The question was would you date someone, and I would. Because I'd see them as a ONE, i.e. an individual and wouldn't make any assumptions about their character from their job. Just as I wouldn't if they held any other job.

No, it's you who are not understanding. Stating a fact, such as 'Statistically, people who do a certain job are more likely than average to do X' is absolutely, categorically not the same as saying 'All people who do a certain job do X'. Neither I, nor (I assume) anybody else on the thread, thinks that all male police officers are terrible people.

And actually, yes I would do it about other jobs, and other things too. Not things like race, because that's different. It's an inherent characteristic, unlike career, which is something you have chosen, which says something about you. Your examples about Scottish people and black people are just stereotypes and are not backed up by my own experience.

Your list (my count):

first on scene at a bloody fight? Multiple times, including a fight where the perpetrator went on to murder someone.

horrific Road accident? No.

murder scenes? No, but scenes of DV with the signs everywhere. I won't list them because they are triggering. And have worked with multiple murderers.

unexpected deaths? Yes, multiple.

having to break news that a loved one has been killed in terrible circumstances. Yes.

Will drop everything and put all resources into a searching for a missing child. No, but lots of child protection.

Plenty of other professions and jobs deal with these things. Many many many people. We had scenes where fire, ambulance and police would turn up and only one of those groups would sneer, make comments, treat people like shit. Not always, not by a long way. But enough to be wary.

I've had police officers call me girl and love, ask why I worked there, I've seen them manhandle vulnerable people causing injury and distress, seen some terrible things. Lots of us work in difficult jobs. We aren't known for DV, communicating with utter contempt to the people we serve, racism, misogyny, and a host of other things.

It's not everyone in the police. I've seen some wonderful officers do great things. But when you work with vulnerable people like homeless people, sex workers and PoC you see it's a really big proportion doing unacceptable things.

I did phone the police when I needed them.. unfortunately they turned up to their fellow police officer (my ex husband) being violent to me and I told them about all domestic violence and rapes and police restraints and locking me in the house.. they turned body cams off, refused to record the incident, and instead made a bizarre report to social care that I was difficult with childcare arrangements. My ex has been stalking and harassing me for years since (including pulling myself and close family members over in police van on numerous occasions) and I wouldn't ever dare report him again. He's a danger to society, but the police closed ranks and protected their friend and colleague and wanted to avoid reputational damage.

I wish I was naive enough to still believe they are there to help, but in reality a huge proportion join for the power and impunity. They are institutionally corrupt, misogynistic and racist. And will close ranks if you ever dare report one of their colleagues, and you will be treated as if you are personally attacking them all. And who will believe you, it's the police. Very scary situation to be in when you realise it doesn't matter how much of a "good victim" you are, you don't stand a chance against the police.

Wouldn't go out of my way to, no

I sincerely hope that none of the "police haters" on this thread never need help when they are in a dire situation

Some of us have- hence our reactions. I was the victim of an armed robbery- men in balaclavas with guns. By the time the police showed up they had gone having got what they wanted and then the police berated me for not remembering what they looked like- firstly they were wearing balaclavas so I only saw their eyes, secondly I was in massive shock. Noone asked me if I was ok, I got no post incident support and noone even bothered to update me if they caught them or not. They took my clothes for forensic analysis as they had manhandled me about and didnt return them - I think they may have lost them. Not that I wanted them back anyway but they didnt even inform me of this, I had to ring multiple times and got vague answers every time. That was one incident and there have been others so yes, many of us are basing our feelings on actual experiences with the police.

I’ve dated two - one was a cocky, arrogant twat who didn’t make it past the first date.

The second was one of the loveliest men I’ve ever met - he was kind, gentle, a feminist, a good person.

When our shared accommodation was searched as one of the new tenants – who we didn’t know personally – was under suspicion of selling drugs (details upthread), the police took my housemate’s laptop (from inside a locked room) and never returned it and always claimed they had no knowledge of it. He’d just gone out for the evening and got home and his door had been busted down and his laptop gone. I worked at a bank at the time and he was an engineer, we weren’t dodgy in any way and weren’t under suspicion of anything ourselves. We all had separate tenancies for each room with locked living spaces.

What they did with it, god knows – sold it? Destroyed it? Lost it? Obviously something they didn’t want to share.

And what a disgusting way to treat you – the victim of the crime. Awful

I sincerely hope that none of the "police haters" on this thread never need help when they are in a dire situation

Why? The police presumably don't ask you whether you hate the police before deciding whether to help you or not, so the 'police haters' presumably have the same chamce of getting a good or bad response from the police as anyone else does. Of course, not wanting to date a police officer doesn't mean you hate them. Hating all the people you don't date would be a tad extreme.

I would. It wouldn't cross my mind not to.

And what a disgusting way to treat you – the victim of the crime. Awful

Thank you. Looking back I should have made a complaint but it took me a while to feel ok again and by that time, I just thought- urgh, what's the point?

Of course, not wanting to date a police officer doesn't mean you hate them. Hating all the people you don't date would be a tad extreme

This. I love my male best friend for example, he's like a brother to me, but I dont want to date him as I am not attracted to him and we wouldnt be compatible in a romantic relationship. Doesnt mean I "hate" him

For those saying there is a lot of 'hate' for police officers in this thread.

I really don't think that is the case.

People are just posting realistic views.

The Met especially has an appalling record: racism, officers guilty of abusing and even killing women...that is just a fact.

My father was in the army and then special forces and I posted already on the thread that I would never advise anyone to date someone with that profession. It affected his mental and physical health deeply and he was violent and abusive towards me at home

Of course they are good men in these jobs but we have to be able to give honest feedback without being accused of 'hate'.

What has ringing the police in an emergency got to do with finding them relationship material?
I wouldn’t want to date my ds’s best mate. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t use his services at work.

And my friend is a police officer and she is fab. She's just normal. Is it just the men who are to beware of?

Quite. I probably wouldn’t want to date a surgeon due to their long working hours and the stress they probably endure. Plus possibility of alcohol/drug use (my nursing friend says Drs have high rates of both). But I would still like a surgeon to fix my body if it breaks 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wouldn’t date a pilot due to the stereotypes about them. But I still trust them to fly me somewhere nice on holiday.

Luckily both surgeons and pilots are vanishingly unlikely to show any interest in me 😂

With the police it is a little different, in that I wouldn’t get into a male police officer’s car alone (I know I’m not alone in that). I would still call them if a crime had been committed though.

No, but only because I did once and it was actually very boring. He was pleasant enough, nice looking, and was on the detective training pathway so he was quite career focussed. He never said anything unprofessional and took his job really seriously which was admirable (and not what you'd expect after all the things you hear about the MET). But he took his job so seriously that he'd actually tell me about all the forms he'd fill out for particular crimes, and the processes they follow. Not in a moaning way, but as in he really enjoyed it and thought I'd be as fascinated as him. E.g "We had a blah blah crime today so I did a X21 form, a M21 and then followed XYZ standard operating procedure". (Those are made up form names!). We didn't break up because of that tough, we were young and just not particularly compatible so it came to it's natural end.

I've also been in a longer term relationship with a military man and it was exactly the same but probably worse. These jobs truly are a way of life, not a job and it really defines their whole persona. Fine if you are also interested in it too, but not at all fine if you're not. FYI, they will never show anywhere near as much interest in hearing about your job.

When folks say ‘military’ are they referring to all forces? I wonder if there is a difference between army/navy/RAF in their respective cultures.

A few of my in-laws are/were in the navy (including some of the women). They’re definitely no-nonsense sorts on the whole. Quite tough and cheerful and uncomplaining. Lots of in-jokes! The men have a bit of laddishness about them but not disrespect for women from what I’ve seen.

My dad spent 30 years in the army and was totally devoted to my mother. A true gent and always put his family first.

My stbxh copper not so much.

Yup, of course there is just look to the skies above you and the stars

• the Navy navigates by them
• the Army sleeps under them
• the RAF chooses hotels by them

I don’t know what you mean @mpsw but thank you anyway!

That is to say: I don’t know what that says about their respective cultures (except that RAF are perhaps posh and rich).

Hell no! Or any officer from any other police force