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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
Josette77 · 23/04/2024 12:13

Yes your relationship sounds a bit suffocating BUT that doesn't make this ok.

Sounds very suspicious and I'd want to see the messages too.

TeaGinandFags · 23/04/2024 12:16

🚩🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

so, she's an old friend, eh?

Does she have a name?
Has he told you their history?
Do his other old friends know about her?

Are you going to meet each other?

The thing is, it is possible to meet an old friend but that would be exciting and you'd want to tell people about it. He'd also want to involve you and DC. The fact he's keeping this on the qt screams affair.

Perhaps he and she were more than friends and he wants to rekindle the flame.

My advice would be to arrange childcare and go with him. I would also get a social life apart from him because you may end up doing that anyway. And behave the way he's behaving.

He's given you every reason not to trust him. Get in his phone. Do you have a friend with secret squirrel skills?

PS. He may well have remembered her number - assuming she hasn't changed it in 20 years - but it must have been very important to lodge so deeply in his memory.

BronwenTheBrave · 23/04/2024 12:22

He is definitely shaving her.

Calliopespa · 23/04/2024 12:23

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 00:02

There’s a bunch of old
numbers and address people remember from before mobiles.

i can remember my childhood best mates, house phone off by heart still

is there anything else that’s pricking your sense as to why this is making you uncomfortable because generally we don’t assume bad faith from people we trust and have no second thoughts about.

Show quote history

I guess it’s not including OP.

If it were just a friendly catch up would it not be fine - interesting even - for her to meet his wife?

OP the fact he asked if you’d mind suggests he isn’t going over the top to hide it; but the fact he proceeded when you said you did suggests he’s determined. Do you think there is a possibility of unfinished business, something he wants to apologise for/ get off his mind etc? That might explain why you’re not involved but he’s also trying to be upfront.

Oaktree55 · 23/04/2024 12:24

Are we not allowed friends of the opposite sex now? You have massively over reacted.

Floppyelf · 23/04/2024 12:27

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

last sentence is true. I’m a man… a gay one but still know that straight men won’t bother unless they have a reason to.

HebburnPokemon · 23/04/2024 12:28

More red flags than China.

HebburnPokemon · 23/04/2024 12:29

BronwenTheBrave · 23/04/2024 12:22

He is definitely shaving her.

whaaaaaaat?

airforsharon · 23/04/2024 12:29

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:29

Apparently he just fancied meeting up with an old friend, they've been messaging for a few weeks...he instigated it. I knew nothing about him contacting her or their conversations until Friday. Why the secrets?? He won't show me messages??

Secrets are rarely kept for good reasons.
Currently divorcing my 'kept his contact and meet ups with an 'old friend' secret for 10 months' 'D'H.

LilacFatball · 23/04/2024 12:29

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

There are plenty of birds most people can't distinguish from a duck.

The idea that we can't have female friends without wanting to jump on them is ludicrous. It's a juvenile assumption.

Calliopespa · 23/04/2024 12:29

TeaGinandFags · 23/04/2024 12:16

🚩🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

so, she's an old friend, eh?

Does she have a name?
Has he told you their history?
Do his other old friends know about her?

Are you going to meet each other?

The thing is, it is possible to meet an old friend but that would be exciting and you'd want to tell people about it. He'd also want to involve you and DC. The fact he's keeping this on the qt screams affair.

Perhaps he and she were more than friends and he wants to rekindle the flame.

My advice would be to arrange childcare and go with him. I would also get a social life apart from him because you may end up doing that anyway. And behave the way he's behaving.

He's given you every reason not to trust him. Get in his phone. Do you have a friend with secret squirrel skills?

PS. He may well have remembered her number - assuming she hasn't changed it in 20 years - but it must have been very important to lodge so deeply in his memory.

This made me laugh! 🤣Get childcare and go with him! It’s actually a very simple response and could be played by OP to hilarious effect if it is something untoward!

I quite like this idea OP. I doubt he’ll let you go but it will force the issue as to why.

tuvamoodyson · 23/04/2024 12:31

HebburnPokemon · 23/04/2024 12:29

whaaaaaaat?

Show quote history

Is she the ‘bearded lady’ in the circus?

Newpancake92 · 23/04/2024 12:31

Ooooof.

I'm with you OP.
Driving 50 miles to see her, chatting for a few weeks. I wonder what prompted him to contact her.

Anonymous2025 · 23/04/2024 12:32

If this is not normal then I woud question it . Is this an old girlfriend maybe ? Can you contact her ?
me and hubby do everything together as a family including going out socialising so I can understand your concern . My previous post I assumed it was someone that was as visiting from abroad or similar

Howbizarre22 · 23/04/2024 12:32

Tell him an old male friend has asked to meet up…funny that! But surely he won’t mind you going.

Seriously this is fucked up. He should’ve arranged it for when you could come along too. Or AT LEAST show you the messages under these circumstances. Given you’re not happy with this he’s being very inconsiderate. And I do think he fancies her…like a pp said men simply don’t bother with women they don’t fancy or can’t get anything from.

Josette77 · 23/04/2024 12:35

LilacFatball · 23/04/2024 12:29

There are plenty of birds most people can't distinguish from a duck.

The idea that we can't have female friends without wanting to jump on them is ludicrous. It's a juvenile assumption.

Show quote history

Female friends? Yes.

Secret " old friends " you get in touch with but don't tell your wife about until you decide to meet them? Hell no.

If you are messaging someone for weeks why hide it?

Theothername · 23/04/2024 12:37

What’s your situation op? How financially reliant are you?

BetterWithPockets · 23/04/2024 12:39

OP, I’d be absolutely fine with this (as, I assume, would you) IF my DH had mentioned getting in touch, and/or the fact they’d been messaging, were thinking of meeting up, etc etc. It’s the abruptness and secrecy that would unsettle me. I’d also be upset about his reluctance to reassure me.

I hope it’s nothing, but it doesn’t sound great, TBH. I’m sorry.

airforsharon · 23/04/2024 12:42

Josette77 · 23/04/2024 12:35

Female friends? Yes.

Secret " old friends " you get in touch with but don't tell your wife about until you decide to meet them? Hell no.

If you are messaging someone for weeks why hide it?

Show quote history

I have male friends going back years - i met now soon to be ex through my closest male friend. Soon to be ex also has female friends.

The issue isn't having friends of the opposite sex it's the behaviour, and OP's DH's behaviour is as fishy as Billingsgate.

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 23/04/2024 12:44

I agree with a PP that you should ask him to recite (twice because anyone can make up a number once) this number from 20 years ago he claims he randomly remembered.

Not so you can make a note and message her but just to expose his obvious bullshittery here and see how he reacts, although he doesn't sound at all interested in reassuring you in anyway.

Missfelinemoo · 23/04/2024 12:45

I think you have to trust your gut. We all have our spidey sense for when something is off. I've learnt not to ignore that now. Good luck op, whatever happens you are a strong woman and much more than your relationship. It's easy to forget your individual self after so long together.

tigerrabbit · 23/04/2024 12:45

A very similar situation happened with BIL and SIL (DH’s brother & brother’s wife). Quite a few people said it was innocent and thought SIL was in the wrong to be upset - MIL is a gossip which is how we all knew about it. BIL is now married to the “old friend.” Trust your instincts OP - of course people have platonic opposite-sex friends but you know your DH best and when he is acting out of character. I wouldn’t be thrilled either if my DH was arranging a meet-up like this when we were on a family holiday.

Sweden99 · 23/04/2024 12:47

Can you not just check his texts?

CucumberBagel · 23/04/2024 12:48

Ignore the men and cool wives on here who have a weird agenda. It's obviously not good. Either there is no old friends and he's seeing an escorts or something, or his messages are more of the "I miss you" and sexting variety.

AxolotlEars · 23/04/2024 12:51

I wouldn't be bothered based on your first post. I would be after your updates!

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