My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

Fuck that. I would say no. I'm not a cool wife at all.

Plonk yourself in the passenger seat OP, handbag on lap, and say you’ve decided to come along. Dress so you don’t give off swinger/ threesome vibes.

Same here

Swinger vibes. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I would want to see their messages and if he said no that would be enough for me to say goodbye.

Not RTFt but the lack of transparency prior to meeting and not showing you the messages…. Does not bode well. How would he feel the other way around? Mind you, that said, if you asked him that now.. he’d probably say he was fine with it!

sorry.. imo this is not ok.. there’s more to it.. 😒

Nope. I wouldn't be happy with that. Especially that he so t show you the messages or be honest about how they reconnected. He 'remembered' her number? And it's the same number from 20 years ago? Bullshit!

I am definitely not a cool wife, I couldn't deal with this at all, he needs to answer your questions. How would he feel if you went out with a guy from your past and didn't give him any details!

Thank you

i can remember my childhood best mates, house phone off by heart still

I can too, it doesn’t work though as codes and networks have changed.

Would I mind my DH meeting an old friend (male or female) for lunch? no
But she isn't a friend, they haven't spoken in 20 years. And his story of remembering her phone number, reconnecting, and chatting with her while not even mentioning it to you doesn't make any sense.
Added to this his secrecy about showing the messages. I don't blame you for being upset.

I'm not a "cool wife" but most of my friends are men, we've all known & grown up together, my boyfriends over the years would have been introduced or at least "known of" them by name & by sharing funny stories, experiences etc..

So it's the secrecy part, why not mention (not mentionitis!) them, or her in this particular instance, that I have a problem with

I'm not a fan of "show me your messages" at all, it's a slippery slope & as others have said the trust is gone by then either way but that said if my SO is having an issue with insecurity then without a doubt I'd show him how boring & run of the mill "life/work/stupid memes our texts or whatsapps are as a reassurance not as a demand

TLDR this doesn't sound great

Exactly this....I've asked to see the messages, he won't let me. He says I should tryst him and that it's a breach of privacy!!!

This tells you everything you need to know.

If he wanted to reassure his wife that it was innocent he’d hand his phone over. People who are telling the truth will be very open and genuinely want to prove they’ve done nothing wrong.

He’s a liar and most likely cheating.

As a pp said, if it quacks like a duck..

Would you believe this bullshit story? You're very naive if you think this is innocent. What part of the OPs posts makes you think that the woman is a 'friend'?

Refusing to share texts on the basis that the other person should trust them is essentially a form of victim blaming: they are being secretive because the other person is unreasonably distrustful. It doesn’t wash with me.

Save your sanity and your own self worth and get out of this relationship. He's having an affair. Not a doubt about it. Always trust your gut instinct. If you wait this out it will only erode you and will be much worse down the line. You do not deserve such treatment. Look after number 1...love yourself enough to walk away from him.

@Scorchio84, I agree it sounds grim.
I would say that double standards do not always favour men. Rather then humour the charade, I always keep my texts and emails available for her to read. I think that makes more sense for the man to do than vice-versa.
I woudl also say that a man having female friends is always more controversial. I think a man banning a woman from having make friends would be plain abusive.

DP and I have always maintained some friendships that are not 'couple' based, friends who are exes, friends who re-emerged after many years, and we meet them individually - no problem whatsoever.

However we do not fail to mention protracted contact or plans to be meeting up, we chat about their news an 'oh, I had a message from ExYZ yesterday...they have got a new job" etc. And we are not secretive about plans, and if there was a long journey involved it would be "FormerFriend suggested meeting for lunch halfway, it's near BeautifulNTplace, do you fancy a day out and I can drop you off " etc.

OP - you are certainly not overreacting, and this must be very upsetting for you. HIs attitude is not kind or respectful.

I know you feel fragile, but can you organise your 'case' in your mind, and ask him calmly for a discussion. Be as calm as possible an say that whatever is or is not going on, that there is a problem.
That he is not communicating, making pans without telling you, being defensive and cagey, and whatever the reasons you would like him to be open with you about it.
Do not be drawn into his accusations that you are hysterical, suspicious, simply wrong, or whatever,. just stick like a stuck record , and calmly, to the issues you have raised.
If he will not talk further just say "OK we will have to leave it that you have concealed plans from me, not felt able to be open about your messages, and have felt able to go ahead to the meeting knowing that it would upset me. For me, that is a breach of trust, love and respect in our marriage"

Then up to you: ask him to sleep on the sofa, seek legal advice, ask him if he will go to couples counselling, chuck him straight out...or live with it til the next thing happens. Up to you. It is a horrible situation and the longer he lets it go on, the crueller it is.

No consolation to you at all that so many others have been through similar.

Yes.
It is odd, as a man (sorry), I pretty much expect my texts to be checke/"accidentally could not help but notice". It is notodd to be that seccretive.

Why won't he show you the texts?

that's what it boils down to... my phone would be handed over staight away as a reassurance

I’d have no problem with my DP meeting friends, we usually do everything together as well as we don’t have other people. We’ve been together 20years also and he spent over 10years of that working away and I was at home.

BUT my DP also does not use social media so I would wonder how they had been in contact also. That’s the bit that seems the strangest. How can your DH know a number IF it really is from over 20years ago and how is the same number also still in use? Also was the 50miles driver to his hometown where friend lives? It does all seem strange tbh and not believable.

Eh? He randomly mentions some woman, the night before he is due to meet her, having never mentioned her before? He then says they have been messaging for "a few weeks" but he hasn't mentioned it? You tell him you are uncomfortable and he goes anyway? Why, if it was all so innocent did he not show you the messages at that point, to put your mind at rest? If it was all breezy and nothing to worry about, why not show you?
FUCK THAT op, not in this lifetime. Frankly, she could be bloody anyone! I would say insist on seeing the messages but the cocker fucker will have deleted anything dodgy now he knows you are suspicious. Depending on what platform he used though, most can be retrieved. I would be having an extremely serious chat with him...

Tell him breezily that him meeting up with his old friend gave you an idea to do the same with an old male friend as he seems keen you both should start spending time with new people. Let’s see if he’s equally as keen to keep your privacy intact. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve talked about all my old male friends to my DH. But there is one person whose name I have never uttered, but who was part of the same group. He was the one I was head over heels in love with. I adored him. And I still remember his phone number from 1999. And if he contacted me all these years later for lunch, I’d be very tempted to go.