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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/04/2024 10:48

BirdieMK3 · 23/04/2024 10:36

Exactly this....I've asked to see the messages, he won't let me. He says I should tryst him and that it's a breach of privacy!!!

Show quote history

Oh the old "breach of trust" chestnut

This is Bollocks and he knows its Bollocks

You see the messages or it's over, if he has deleted the messages it's over, you want to see a picture of her or its over...

GingerPirate · 23/04/2024 10:53

I understand you don't want upsetting comments. Sorry your husband behaved like this.
Full stop. 💝

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 10:54

BirdieMK3 · 23/04/2024 10:36

Exactly this....I've asked to see the messages, he won't let me. He says I should tryst him and that it's a breach of privacy!!!

Show quote history

It is.

If you don’t trust him and think something untoward is going on you need to say that. and say that is why you want to see the messages.

but I don’t think, straddling the fence and saying you do trust him but it’s weird. Or something doesn’t add up.

name it. Be honest. I don’t trust you, I think you aren’t telling me the truth and I want your messages to either confirm or deny.

see what he says then. If he still won’t show them to you, you need to clear about what you do next.

reading someone’s personal messages is absolutely a breach of privacy.

Anonymous2025 · 23/04/2024 10:54

did you ask him if you could go along ? I saw old friends from school last time I went to home country , 2 had their wife’s with them but 2 didn’t as it was their lunch hour from work . Nothing romantic at all , just seeing old friends

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 10:57

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/04/2024 10:48

Oh the old "breach of trust" chestnut

This is Bollocks and he knows its Bollocks

You see the messages or it's over, if he has deleted the messages it's over, you want to see a picture of her or its over...

Show quote history

But I don’t think op wants to make those sort of ultimatums?

if you are willing to leave and give ultimatums then fine. But asking for messages and having no plan is a risky move.

because if he says no now what? You clearly don’t trust him…you think he’s cheating. And now you’re doing the cat and mouse until you are either proved right or wrong.

the trust is gone either way.

user1492757084 · 23/04/2024 11:01

Start going out with some old friends, Op.
Once per week, male and female. Have your social life NOT revolve around nor have anything to do with DH.

Will he feel left out or second best?

Pancakefam · 23/04/2024 11:07

I think you might be really controlling. I wouldn't be surprised if your partner is being secretive because he knew how you'd act.

pikkumyy77 · 23/04/2024 11:09

I’m really sorry, OP. The refusal to address your concerns and share the messages feels fatal, to me. I started out thinking this was an overreaction but I no longer do.

MILTOBE · 23/04/2024 11:12

He's leaving you with no choice. If he shows you the messages now, he will definitely have tampered with them. Be prepared for him to say his phone was running slowly, so he had to delete that conversation thread.

He lied to you really for all those weeks when he didn't tell you he'd got in touch with her and he didn't say he was messaging her.

I struggle to believe he randomly contacted her by remembering her number. He's admitted he made the first contact but it's far more likely he looked her up on LinkedIn or Facebook etc and got in touch then.

I wouldn't be able to forgive this, because he's taking you for a complete fool. He's literally going on a date with someone and expecting you to be OK about it.

MILTOBE · 23/04/2024 11:12

Have you asked him whether he plans to see her again? How long was he out of the house?

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 11:17

pikkumyy77 · 23/04/2024 11:09

I’m really sorry, OP. The refusal to address your concerns and share the messages feels fatal, to me. I started out thinking this was an overreaction but I no longer do.

This. I'm really sorry this is happening OP, I share your concerns.

Londonismyjam · 23/04/2024 11:23

I think you are right to be very concerned. I was you once. DH was ‘just meeting old work colleague for a catch up. I worked with her thirty years ago’.
Me: Oh that’s nice darling, why don’t you invite her and her husband round for coffee ? DH: Silence. Turns out she was his OW from his first marriage.

JuneWind · 23/04/2024 11:25

I have a pretty chilled relationship with DH and no problems with him socialising with male or female friends. However, this woman isn’t a friend if he hasn’t seen her or mentioned her for 20 years!

I highly doubt he suddenly remembered her number. If it were me I’d be asking him to repeat her number to me without looking at his phone seeing as he’s so good with numbers and they just appear in his head. Would prove whether that part is true at least…

MyFirstLittlePony · 23/04/2024 11:26

He can call it a “friend”

but clearly it was an old flame

my DH wanted to meet up with an old friend (female) and he invited her and her partner over to ours… normal

if he drove 60 miles to meet an old flame that he has been googling and trying to get back in touch with… I would not be so impressed

potato57 · 23/04/2024 11:26

It's an overreaction. If he was doing anything wrong he wouldn't have told you he was going for lunch with her, it would have been a male friend from football or work or something. Unless he's incredibly stupid.

I bet he regrets telling you now though. And likely will lie to you in future just so you don't go completely off the handle like you have here.

Miyagi99 · 23/04/2024 11:27

Wouldn’t bother me and I wouldn’t expect my partner to mind if roles were reversed either.

MyFirstLittlePony · 23/04/2024 11:27

I would also hate hated hate being lied to and treated like a fool (“I just remembered her number”)

MyFirstLittlePony · 23/04/2024 11:31

Yes @potato57 it now would be totally her own fault if he cheats🤨🤨🤨 (no of course not you numpty what a weird argument!!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/04/2024 11:32

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 10:57

But I don’t think op wants to make those sort of ultimatums?

if you are willing to leave and give ultimatums then fine. But asking for messages and having no plan is a risky move.

because if he says no now what? You clearly don’t trust him…you think he’s cheating. And now you’re doing the cat and mouse until you are either proved right or wrong.

the trust is gone either way.

Show quote history

Op might not want yo push this, but I definitely wouldn't put up with it and would follow through.

I am stable enough to want my husband, but I don't need him if he broke my trust.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 23/04/2024 11:48

I’m sorry too.

I met up with an old male friend I’d not seen for years when I was married. Marriage didn’t last long after that. It was already on the outs but it was the final nail in the coffin. I’m still with old friend.

I wouldn’t have wanted ex to read messages either (however turns out he did as he had installed key logging software on my laptop some time before that - that’s another story linked to why we were already on the outs).

There was nothing untoward in the messages themselves but there was familiarity that was easy to slip back into even after years and that was probably worse - plus the fact that they felt so private. I’m an open book with my partner. No reason not to be.

GladOP · 23/04/2024 11:48

The secrecy around it sends alarm bells.
You’re right to be suspicious.
But considering you have already confronted him, I’m not sure how another confrontation would achieve anything. As he has clearly shown he has no regard for your opinion. If anything was starting to build between them, getting angry might be seen as evidence of how difficult you are to be with.

And so for me, being properly petty has always forced an end to behaviour I think is a bit shit. And it depends on individual relationship dynamics, it may not work in your relationship. But for mine, without telling my DH what i’m doing, I mirror his behaviour back to him. And so if this was my DH, I would not volunteer information about what I have been up to and where I am going. I would still be happy and polite when he talks to me, but otherwise pay him no attention whatsoever. I wouldn’t even look at him as I entered the room. I would just pretend to be focused on other things.
it’s very very petty. But some people learn best by experiencing how their shitty behaviour feels firsthand.

Whatsitcalled38 · 23/04/2024 11:54

So she was so important to him that he remembered her number for 20 years, but never mentioned her to you. Presumably a landline. That she's kept and not moved house in the 20 years?

What urged him to ring her?

Yeah my head would be swimming. It sounds like absolute bullshit. If he's buzzing about reconnecting with an old friend he'd be talking about her and their friendship to you.

Either she's not an old friend at all, she's a new friend and he thought "old friend" was less suspicious. Or she's an old girlfriend.

Ask him how he'd feel if you were going out for dinner with men that you wouldn't talk to him about. It's suspicious af and playing the "you should trust me" card is bullshit. You should be behaving like someone trustworthy.

Animatic · 23/04/2024 11:58

does sound a bit suffocating irrespective of "this is how we are". I would be pissed if my husband went into overdrive over me meeting a classmate from 20 years ago for lunch.

Perhaps part of the problem is exactly keeping it all between 3 of you, or whatever. Now, every coffee with unknown person turns into epic tragedy.

Janetime · 23/04/2024 12:01

Animatic · 23/04/2024 11:58

does sound a bit suffocating irrespective of "this is how we are". I would be pissed if my husband went into overdrive over me meeting a classmate from 20 years ago for lunch.

Perhaps part of the problem is exactly keeping it all between 3 of you, or whatever. Now, every coffee with unknown person turns into epic tragedy.

Agree, it reads more like this is the way the op demands it to be. She’s now wanting to read his messages and not grasping it’s a breach of privacy. I’d be furious if my husband was behaving like she is.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 23/04/2024 12:10

DoreenonTill8 · 23/04/2024 00:17

Sounds suffocating! No other friends or activities? Who decided that?

Show quote history

Yep. Sounds like this is the issue.

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