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Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 23/04/2024 09:39

Its definitely odd. And no, it doesn't look good OP.
So if I have understood this correctly,

  1. He randomly called this woman up because he remembered her number (and she still happened to have the same number as 20 years ago - which ok, is not totally unbelievable). So no accidental bumping into each other and -oh how good to see you, lets have coffee sometime and catch up situation? He actually just randomly called her?
  2. They have been messaging for a few weeks, but he failed to mention any of this to you. Also failed to mention the randomly getting in touch with a friend from 20 years ago!
  3. Told you he was meeting her for lunch, you quite rightly expressed a bit of wtf moment and said, no not happy with that.
  4. He went anyway, despite knowing you were not happy with it! And not only that he drove 50 miles to do so!
  5. And he now cannot understand why you are even more wtf about the whole thing.
So I think he mentioned the whole lunch meet thing because he normally comes home so had to tell you something. It sounds to me like the typical half lie story that unfortunately cheats come up with. They use mostly facts - lunch, old friend etc etc but leave out the most relevant parts. That way they can keep their story a bit straighter than if he'd said i'm meeting Bill at the cafe down the road after work.

He knows exactly why it bothers you. And he doesn't care. And if he was completely of the mind that this shouldn't be an issue, he'd be reassuring you and not meeting up with this woman until it was all sorted out, because he'd be genuinely concerned about your concern! And he'd also understand that concern.

I'm sorry op, but I'd be asking him to see those messages. if he refuses then I think you have your answer.

Its absolutely not unreasonable to request to see messages between your husband and a random woman you've never heard of and he has never mentioned previously, who he is meeting for lunch. Any decent man who had nothing to hide would absolutely let you see, to ally your fears and put your mind at rest!

RollyPol · 23/04/2024 09:40

VampireWeekday · 23/04/2024 09:33

So are bisexual people forced to choose between friendship and marriage, going by your system?

Show quote history

Sorry, where did you get this bisexual dimension from? The question was about a normal relationship, as my answer.

venus7 · 23/04/2024 09:43

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

Me don't bother with women unless they fancy them? Do you have such little experience of female intelligence, wit, charm, conversation?

WoodBurningStov · 23/04/2024 09:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable op. My dh has very few friends and his hobbies are working on the house, walking our dogs, so it tends to just be the two of us. Some people might find it suffocating, for us it's just normal.

I wouldn't be happy with his sudden meet up. Several things

A- why didn't he tell you they were talking
B- why the sudden need to contact her
C- I call bullshit on the phone number
D- he won't show you his phone and the messages - another controversial one, some people share everything others see it as an invasion of privacy. The way I see it, if it was innocent and my dh was getting his knickers in a twist and by sharing the contents of my phone would help him, why wouldn't I. As long as the person isn't usually controlling or jealous then I don't see why he wouldn't want to alleviate your fears

Usedtobecoolnowiloveairfryers · 23/04/2024 09:52

I’m with you OP - I wouldn’t be happy with this either.

I think the 50mile (round trip? Or is this just one way?) to see her too is a bit weird. Seems rather a lot of effort for just an old friend.

I can actually say that I do remember phone numbers - but must admit it is only ones that had importance to me - my best friends childhood phone number, I do remember my first proper boyfriends numbers too - some peoples minds just retain them

DP has quite a lot of old female friends on his SM, I also have old male friends on mine - I don’t have any issue with him speaking to them, catching up, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be happy with me going to lunch with old male friends from decades ago, and I can honestly say he wouldn’t arrange the same. The only rule we have is to not have exes on our SM or keep in contact with them - this is by mutual agreement and something we are both happy with before anyone pipes up.

Could this woman be an ex rather than an ‘old friend’? Have you looked her up on SM?

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 09:55

I can’t believe so many of you would want to read your partners message, or at least demand to.

that is such a declaration of mistrust to me. you might as well just accuse them of lying and be done with it.

VampireWeekday · 23/04/2024 09:56

RollyPol · 23/04/2024 09:40

Sorry, where did you get this bisexual dimension from? The question was about a normal relationship, as my answer.

Show quote history

I don't want to detail the OP's thread because I think that she is very right to be concerned in this case. But to answer this: you said that married people shouldn't be friends with people of the opposite sex because it means their spouse is not enough. I don't understand why having friends of the sex that you would date means that your spouse is not enough. Enough for what? By this logic someone who dates both men and women can't be friends with anyone without indicating that their spouse "isn't enough".

But yeah, I don't think this applies to the OP. In her case he husband is behaving very suspiciously and is clearly making up lies somewhere. If he were genuine then it would be easy to show first contact. I suspect he doesn't want to because first contact is something like "I've been thinking about you a lot lately I'll never forget the time we (insert past experience that's inappropriate for a married man to mention)"

Swanbeauty · 23/04/2024 10:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

VampireWeekday · 23/04/2024 10:00

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 09:55

I can’t believe so many of you would want to read your partners message, or at least demand to.

that is such a declaration of mistrust to me. you might as well just accuse them of lying and be done with it.

I wouldn't need to read them but I think it's weird that he's not even willing to share anything about them. He's randomly mentioned that he's been talking to an old friend for three weeks, including over a family holiday, and won't say anything about the conversation. I regularly update my DP on the news from friends and family, male or female, just by way of chit chat. If a friend is in Spain and has sent me a picture I might mention it and show him. Even something like "Lara who I knew from school messaged me on Facebook, she lives in Madrid now, we used to hang out at the skate park" or whatever would be normal, to contextualise the meet up. I'd only want to see messages if he had behaved so suspiciously that the behaviour had actually broken my trust.

AnnieSF · 23/04/2024 10:01

This makes me think of a recent experience of mine - an old friend/ ex fiancé got in touch with me and we were chatting over our very old times together. Both of us are married but I could tell he was getting a kick out of it all. He said he wouldn't be able to tell his wife. He would add innuendos into the conversation etc. i blocked him in the end.

Blueocean18 · 23/04/2024 10:02

I can only go with how I would feel if my DH did this. There is absolutely no way I'd be happy with him meeting up with other women unless it was a formal and official work related discussion. It's definitely not a lack of trust although I would consider it to be totally disrespectful on both parts. There would also be the thought of the 'friend' becoming too attached. It's obvious your upset with him OP and its understandable. Ask him if he'd be happy with you travelling a distance to meet up with a long lost male friend. It may make him think about it and see sense.

Abi86 · 23/04/2024 10:03

Hey OP. I’m not a cool wife - I’m a bloke, so it’s not something I’m capable of. This is not normal - not normal at all. Lots of red flags.

  • who remembers a number from 20 years ago? No, seriously, who?
  • 50 miles? For a casual acquaintance? You’re shitting me.
  • Disregarding your feelings or not understanding where you’re coming from? Even if he didn’t agree, the fact it matter TO YOU should be enough for him to rethink this.
  • the ambiguousness regarding meeting again?

a question. How would he feel you catching up with "an old friend"?

I think you might need a honest conversation.

Beautiful3 · 23/04/2024 10:04

This happened to me. My husband has a group of male friends he's grown up with, he only ever goes out with them. We've been together over 20 years. A few years ago he said he was meeting up with a female friend he went to school with. I was annoyed and suspicious. Of course he is free to make his own decisions, so he went. If there were consequences then we'd deal with it afterwards. It turned out that a few of the womens school pals heard and tagged along, it became a large group of women and 2 males. They all had a good time catching up, and nothing untoward happened. He hasn't messaged or met up with her since. He said it was nice seeing what they all looked like now, and what they were doing with their lives.

Ohnobackagain · 23/04/2024 10:04

@BirdieMK3 I remember loads of numbers. I wouldn’t have an issue with an old friend who
might be in the area asking to meet though my partner would likely invite me and I’d probably say no if it was someone he might not see again. But, like you, I’d be suspicious about the way this has happened - although I’d want to try to give the benefit of the doubt. Everything he has said IS possible - is he suggesting they meet again? Without interrogating I’d want to know whether the person is married and so on and whether it was a one-off or something else.

Tillievanilly · 23/04/2024 10:05

I’m guessing you would be ok with it if he had mentioned messaging her in the first place. But to not show you the messages and act secretive isn’t ok. I was in a similar situation to you. It became an emotional affair. Be careful. How would he feel if you met someone from 20 years ago and decided to behave the same way? Its disrespectful. Someone from 20 years ago isn’t really a friend.

DrJoanAllenby · 23/04/2024 10:06

So a few weeks ago he was feeling bored and remembered the fun he used to have years ago and was reminiscing and then remembered Betty from twenty years ago and the fun and laughter they used to have.

He says he remembers her number and thought he would contact her and see what she's up to. Betty is delighted and they have a lot of chat about the good old days and the closeness they had before is evident so they meet for lunch.

It sounds like he is bored with family life and wants a bit more excitement.

Laiste · 23/04/2024 10:10

This situation would be strange and suspicious in my relationship too OP. DH wouldn't like it if i did it and i wouldn't if he did.

The weird secretive nature of how he's going about this screams guilt to me. He feels guilty because he's hiding the nature of this relationship. It's as plain as day.

Have you had a chance to talk to him anymore?

Laiste · 23/04/2024 10:12

It sounds like he is bored with family life and wants a bit more excitement.

The decent thing to do it tell your wife that and decide together how to go on. Not go after 'betty'.

SamW98 · 23/04/2024 10:15

susiemamma · 23/04/2024 09:28

Could this be someone he met while you were on holiday? Exchanged numbers and agree to meet? 20 year friendship that you know nothing about is bollocks.

That was my thought too. Maybe she’s not an old friend at all, she’s a new one and he’s lying to cover up

Wokeuptired · 23/04/2024 10:15

I would be asking questions like
Did you have a nice lunch
What did you eat
Was it expensive
Do you have anything in common with your friend
What did you use to have in common
Does she work
Is she married have kids
Why do think I am upset

Cruiser123 · 23/04/2024 10:23

I would be okay with this - just because I have met up with old male friends during my marriage and it was innocent.

Barleysugar86 · 23/04/2024 10:29

Regardless of who she is, he is treating you badly. My husband made an internet friend, hobby related, and wanted to meet up with her when in that part of the country. We are able to use each others devices (know passwords) as our normal, but he offered specifically for me to read their message chain and asking to meet her was a genuine ask- if it makes you uncomfortable I won't go. So it never upset me. He was courteous in keeping in touch whilst he was out and in talking about the meet up when he came back and they still message occasionally as I see her texts pop up on his phone, but he's so unsecretive about it I can see the beginning text of what she's written.

Everything about this is wrong because he is not thinking of you or your feelings. He should have told you when he reconnected with an old acquaintance. He should have specified if there was any history there dating wise (as it sounds likely there was). He should not have arranged it without feeling you out about it. I feel like this meetup could be totally okay in a marriage but by respecting the marriage first. He's putting the meetup first which begs the question why right now this women is more important to him. You have every right to be hurt OP I'm so sorry.

Original poster
BirdieMK3 · 23/04/2024 10:36

Bookworm20 · 23/04/2024 09:39

Its definitely odd. And no, it doesn't look good OP.
So if I have understood this correctly,

  1. He randomly called this woman up because he remembered her number (and she still happened to have the same number as 20 years ago - which ok, is not totally unbelievable). So no accidental bumping into each other and -oh how good to see you, lets have coffee sometime and catch up situation? He actually just randomly called her?
  2. They have been messaging for a few weeks, but he failed to mention any of this to you. Also failed to mention the randomly getting in touch with a friend from 20 years ago!
  3. Told you he was meeting her for lunch, you quite rightly expressed a bit of wtf moment and said, no not happy with that.
  4. He went anyway, despite knowing you were not happy with it! And not only that he drove 50 miles to do so!
  5. And he now cannot understand why you are even more wtf about the whole thing.
So I think he mentioned the whole lunch meet thing because he normally comes home so had to tell you something. It sounds to me like the typical half lie story that unfortunately cheats come up with. They use mostly facts - lunch, old friend etc etc but leave out the most relevant parts. That way they can keep their story a bit straighter than if he'd said i'm meeting Bill at the cafe down the road after work.

He knows exactly why it bothers you. And he doesn't care. And if he was completely of the mind that this shouldn't be an issue, he'd be reassuring you and not meeting up with this woman until it was all sorted out, because he'd be genuinely concerned about your concern! And he'd also understand that concern.

I'm sorry op, but I'd be asking him to see those messages. if he refuses then I think you have your answer.

Its absolutely not unreasonable to request to see messages between your husband and a random woman you've never heard of and he has never mentioned previously, who he is meeting for lunch. Any decent man who had nothing to hide would absolutely let you see, to ally your fears and put your mind at rest!

Exactly this....I've asked to see the messages, he won't let me. He says I should tryst him and that it's a breach of privacy!!!

OP posts:
a222 · 23/04/2024 10:45

ah just seen this OP :( not looking good.

i think you ought to go out tonight with someone from your past you can ‘reconnect’ with. see how he reacts!

betterangels · 23/04/2024 10:48

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:54

It's just us, thats how we are, we do everything together.

Show quote history

Maybe he would like a wider circle. That seems pretty normal to me.