My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

100% over reacting

Is he not allowed to have a female friend?
If so that is really contrling.

He was up front and told you and sounds perfectly reasonable.

i think you’ve posted on the wrong thread

Oh God OP I'm so sorry you're going through this and admit is does sound suspicious, but I can't understand why, when he can see it's upset you, he won't do anything to put your mind at rest. He's being cruel to keep you dangling like this, knowing how it must look to you.

My DH went through a mid life crisis c.10 years ago. He met up with an old, male friend, bought a motorbike and went out with him most days and to the pub in the evening, even though he was never bothered about going before. To make matters worse, we'd not long moved house (his suggestion) to a new area and I was left, many a long, lonely evening on my own. I used to challenge him, but he just gaslit me and it got really nasty and almost came to blows. He seemed to enjoy my torment, but why he felt the need to twist the knife I'll never know. It was hell and I became demented in my need to find out what he was doing. He denied he was up to anything, but I found out he'd signed up to dating agencies and when I challenged him he said it was only to look, as he would be too scared to do anything. We did move past it eventually, when he tired of the life, but I've never really got over his callous disregard for me and my desperation (I called the Samaritans it got so bad). I just couldn't face selling up again and separating, but I look back now and wish we had.

The only thing I would suggest, as hard as it is in the face of his huge disrespect toward you, is to try to keep calm and don't lose it in front of him, as it will just give him the ammunition to belittle and gaslight you. Think long and hard if you're prepared to end your marriage over this, but make it clear you're not going to tolerate it.

Does he have a good social group anymore? Men tend to lose them when they have kids, etc
People you grow up with rarely lose their bond in my opinion. If you are nostalgic, lonely, it's totally normal to want to maintain those connections.
But sure ban him from seeing people that might be good for your mental health that'll be great for your marriage.
If he sees her on a regular basis make sure you get included too.

The fact was it wasn't mentioned on holiday. It's very unlikely he just decided the minute he got home to meet up with someone he hadn't seen in 20 years, this was premeditated . If it isn't dodgy why not mention it whilst away?

@windyweather66 thing is you never actually feel 100% the same about someone in this situation- you can stay but mentally after this kind of thing I think many women have half a foot out the door afterwards forever

I'm so lost his her husband a race car driver or not?

My husband and myself do everything together, we spent enough time apart when we were working, doing things with the children when they were young etc. I know it may seem strange to some of you but we actually like each other . If one of us wanted to meet up with an old friend of either sex, we'd probably arrange a meet up together or if separate we'd tell each other about it and we certainly wouldn't hide our phones from each other or hide our pin numbers. I'm not surprised so many marriages fail when couples don't seem to actually enjoy each other's company.

I think I might have a look on the popular dating sites and see if he has approved while there

This isn't an 'old friend' this is someone new. I think he's lying to you x

I’m with you OP. It’s strange, he’s being shady and you have every right to be suspicious given the details. 😞

I know it's not about me, but I'm still allowed to express my opinion.

who knows he may have a social media account, I can’t be found when people search for me my accounts are completely private!

I got back in contact with my ex after 20+ years, like I said doesn’t mean I’m going to jump into bed with him!

I chat to people online, my husband doesn’t know who I’m talking to!

it may be completely innocent,

I meet for coffee, we’re friends!!

when I’m asked where I’m going I just say out!!

OP hows things today? Has he been man enough to be open with you as yet? Are you ok? X

I think a PP has nailed it in that he could actually sort this very easily but is refusing to.

So if he said "OK, here is my phone, here are the messages, you can see that it is all innocent" it would all be sorted. They would talk, the OP could explain why it sideswiped her and they would better understand each other.

But he is saying "No, you must just trust me". So that says to me that he CANT reassure her. Either the messages are not innocent and there is something else going on and they would incriminate him, or he has deleted them and their very abscence also screams that there is something going on that he doesnt want her knowing about.

The fact that this could all be easily dealt with and isnt being very much says that he is lying about his true motivation for meeting this woman. If I was the OP I would be tearing my hair out too.

@BirdieMK3 I am afraid that I agree with another PP who said that when you have to start playing detective in your own marriage, the marriage is pretty much fucked. I did it for years with my ex. He, like yours, was very secretive with his phone etc and yet I did find out stuff and when I did it confirmed that he was a Cheating, Untrustworthy, Narcisstic Twat (wonder if you can guess his acronym in my phone?). I should have walked away when he first behaved in a way that started me down that road. As it was when it finally ended I was shell, developed a serious mental illness and almost fell apart. Its only now, 6 years later, that I am even close to back to my old self although I still have the eating disorder and probably always will.

Forget him, love yourself first.

It works for some couples. My marriage is like this. My husband is my best friend and our friendship group is a joint one so we do everything together.

You are not over reacting. If your gut tells you something is wrong, something is WRONG.

It will be difficult but you are going to have to give him an ultimatum. You are allowed to look at his phone and you tell him that of course you trust him but for your own sanity you need this knowledge.

If he still refuses, then you need to seriously consider your marriage because he is not bieng honest with you.

I say this from being in this situation but from the other side.

I hope it works out.

I hear the points on closeness but that's just a healthy relationship. The op has said he has no friends no one outside of her. No that's not healthy.

In your opinion.

My BIL had no friends. He chose to spend all of his time alone or with my sister. Now he has opened his social circle a little bit as my DP took him to an event connectedto a job that they both used to do and he has realised that the very thing that isolated him, isolated all of them too. So he is opening up a bit. People self isolate for complicated reasons, self esteem (or lack of), confidence (or lack of), trauma, fear, laziness....who knows? Its individual. It may not be healthy, in your opinion, but its certainly not uncommon.

So if he suddenly made a huge effort to see someone my sister didnt know existed and he refused to discuss or share messages about, yeah that would be a massive red flag.

Nope. This is off. Nip it in the bud now before it gets further down the line. He's wondering if the grass is greener - and being cagey and odd shows he knows you won't like it.

Is there an update OP?

I’m so sorry, this is awful for you. I haven’t agree that it all sounds very suspicious to me.

At worst, it’s some kind of affair, at the very least, or… it’s not but he is not caring about your feelings. Both of these scenarios are shit.

The phone thing is a huge red flag. When I was cheated on, I noticed for months he was more secretive with his phone, had changed the password etc. In hindsight I should have given my suspicions more credit. We are always made to feel bad for being ‘jealous’, but actually we should trust our gut.

Id be suggesting that you meet up with this woman (and her partner??) as a couple or family. If she truly is just an old friend it would be nice for all of you to get together.

Utter nonsense. He didn't 'ask permission'. He said to the OP, did she mind. Totally different.

just terminology,
same difference

'Can I go out for the day?' = asking permission

'Would you mind me going out for the day?' = what normal, respectful people say in a relationship. It's almost rhetorical.