My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

What bloody nonsense.

He used to be a racing car driver, away most weekends. Hardly controlled!

I’d hope you’d teach your daughter to spot red flags and hold her boundaries in the face of basic disrespect, secrecy, gaslighting and stonewalling but there you go!

I have very mixed feelings about this.

My DH has female friends and I'm fine with this. I have met most of them, and there is not an issue of trust.

HOWEVER, the sudden appearance of an "old friend" seems odd. In itself that wouldn't raise suspicions but the stonewalling approach doesn't sit right.
Equally, the concept of spending every spare moment together as a couple would feel suffocating to me.

The moving to separate rooms and barely speaking as a result of this seems extreme and implies that there are some deeper trust issues underlying the whole situation. I'm not suggesting OP is unreasonable in being concerned but it seems to have escalated quickly from what should have been a reasoned discussion into an arctic environment.

You said he is home every day does not go out?

OP hasn't said she minded him meeting up with a friend, and that's not the issue at all.

The issue is a random woman he hasn't seen from 20 years ago, being secretive with his phone and getting angry at OP for asking questions, and driving 50 miles the day after they come back from a holiday to meet this random woman.
That's not some friend he regularly meets up with!

The level of control that you over the situation is terrifying. Yes I'm afraid if my daughter ever told me she needed permission from her husband to leave the house I w9uld go into protective mode. That bit is what I want to understand. The oddness of the whole situation is what's wrong. Of course the way he arranged the meeting was odd. Why would someone go through that kind of performance.

At what point did OP say her husband needs her permission to leave the house?! As you then say, it's the oddness of the situation and so quite rightly OP is asking her husband questions about some random woman he seems very desparate to drive 50 miles to meet, along with other well known red flags with his mobile phone.

Sorry op has just stated he is a racing car driver. Also she says he came to her to ask permission to see a friend. If he has to do that there is a problem if he has never had to do that why has he suddenly done it. This is odd.

DH went out a few weeks ago and came home talking excitedly about an old school friend he bumped into who he hadn't seen for at least 32 years.
They had a good catch up and still got on well apparently and have added each other on facebook.
The friend was male though, might have been different if female.

This wasn't a random accidental bumping into a friend though. Would you still be happy if your DH suddenly said he was meeting up with an old female friend from 20 years ago who's number he still had memorised and had decided to message recently, and needed to drive 50 miles away to meet up with her the day after getting home from a holiday - but hadn't mentioned anything about her at all until that point?

Not really. Mostly because the oddness of remembering the number doesn't make sense.
If they'd reconnected over social media then decided to meet up with enough notice then that might be different.

Yes I bloody would mind! My DH had an affair with a colleague but it started with ‘she’s just a friend’

I remember the phone numbers of some childhood friends I haven't seen in decades.

Me too. They don’t live there any more though because they’ve all grown up and moved out of their parents’ houses.

If you were to call those numbers how many of your friends do you think would answer at the other end? After decades. I can tell you for a fact none of my old friends would be answering their old phone.

Also OP mentions messaging the woman.... do you remember your childhood friends mobile numbers?

And how f***g weird would it be to be a call from someone you hadn’t seen for twenty years asking to meet for lunch?

Plus all the changes in the last 20 years. Many mobile companies have amended existing numbers in that time (I’ve had the same number since I was 18 and gone through a few of these slight changes in 25 years!) Vodafone numbers have changed. What was BT has changed. That’s a hell of a story DH is selling and I’m not buying it.

Exactly. Or leaving a message with their old mum! I smell cow poop.

FFS

He's not on any social media

She is not a friend he sees regularly

She is some random woman he looked up after 20 years

He has been chatting to her for a "few weeks" without his wife's knowledge

They came back from holiday, and he announced he was driving 50miles to meet her and go out to lunch with her

He refuses to show the innocent messages

Now how many people would think this is ok??

More red flags than Pamplona in July.

They wouldn't be at the landline unless visiting their parents, but I know several people who have the same mobile number since the 1990s.

I do too, but I don’t remember any of their mobile numbers - especially not one I’ve not called in 20 years. I got my first mobile in 1999 and there weren’t many of us with mobiles then. I passed my pager on to a friend and remember him being really chuffed to have one!

I am really really good with phone numbers too. I once memorised a boy’s phone number, met him at a manics concert in 1997 and didn’t have a pen. Still remember the number even though I don’t remember his name … It’s a landline and I only ever dialled it once. I must have really wanted a date 😂

Thats a bit exceptional though.

There’s a reason we remember landline numbers - we had to punch them in every time we made a call.

Mobile numbers were saved on the phone as a contact, we didn’t have to dial them every time, unless dialling from a landline or pay phone, but who could afford to do that 20 years ago?

Do you remember any mobile numbers from 20 years ago (that you’ve not dialled in the last 20 years?). I don’t think many of us would.

Have you read the same thread as majority of us!?

which part of it the whole is the part where OP is controlling?

she didnt say he can’t see a friend, she is expressing her worries for the OUT OF CHARACTER behaviour of her husband

and everyone else defending ‘old friendships’ is also right plenty of people reconcile … if she was a genuine old friend then he would have no problem telling his wife from the start about reconnecting with her and speaking to her and would have no issues showing his phone. Some would say he is entitled to his privacy but surely if your spouse is genuinely upset why wouldnt you want to reassure them.

Anyone else pretending they would feel differently in this situation is either trying to gaslight the OP or is deluding themselves

Lmao never been cheated on ever thank you, I'm sorry you're so insecure 😂😂

Does he have a FB page? Could you thereby identify the woman based on her location? Cherchez la femme, and tell her to back off...

If I wanted to go out for the best part of a day, I’d inform my partner as well. It could be seen as ‘asking permission’ but also common courtesy. Maybe it was a rhetorical question, along the lines of “…. Do you mind if I meet up with xyz tomorrow?”