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Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
Victoriancat · 25/04/2024 09:26

I wouldn't have an issue at all, its his friend 🤷‍♀️ he's annoyed that you kicked off about it.
He's probably saying you can't see the messages now as you've pissed him off not trusting him, why should you need to see them

The whole men aren't interested in women unless they fancy them is absolute crap, people are capable of having friends of the opposite gender, I'm sorry some of you are so massively insecure!

Willmafrockfit · 25/04/2024 09:39

i am sorry this goes from bad to worse

Willmafrockfit · 25/04/2024 09:40

the only positive is that he asked you whether you minded.

northernbeee · 25/04/2024 10:19

It could be nothing, but if it is, why won't he show you the messages.

Plus point, he didn't have to tell you in the first place he was meeting her, he could have made anything up. BUT, you don't remember someones mobile from 20 years ago. I can't remember my ex husbands number - and most people don't have a mobile number 20 years old. Im over 50 and my mobile number is about 15 years old. It wasn't really a thing to keep your number 20 years ago.

Something is amiss but not sure what. Maybe he met her and that is it, but its still not right. Hope you get it all sorted.

1989whome · 25/04/2024 10:30

I definitely wouldn't be okay with that, unless I was invited! Sounds very sneaky to me, why can't you see the messages? And why oh why after 20 years? Connect on social media? Also never mentioned her before? Red flads are flying im afraid. Sit down and tell him your concerns, also what would he be like if you did the same? Met up with a random man you knew 20 years ago? Would he be okay with it? Doubt it!!

Hamsterinaball · 25/04/2024 10:53

Victoriancat · 25/04/2024 09:26

I wouldn't have an issue at all, its his friend 🤷‍♀️ he's annoyed that you kicked off about it.
He's probably saying you can't see the messages now as you've pissed him off not trusting him, why should you need to see them

The whole men aren't interested in women unless they fancy them is absolute crap, people are capable of having friends of the opposite gender, I'm sorry some of you are so massively insecure!

Sorry but you have probably been cheated on like 7 million times!

Either that you just don't give a shit or have never been with anyone. Don't come at posters saying they are insecure because they refuse to deal with bullshit please!

Devon23 · 25/04/2024 10:55

Unless your invited then yes mega alarm bells....

AnnieSF · 25/04/2024 11:19

Willmafrockfit · 25/04/2024 09:40

the only positive is that he asked you whether you minded.

He's trying to hide in plain sight.

Nutmeg1204 · 25/04/2024 11:27

I wouldn’t be going for a one on one lunch with any of my old male friends… even if it’s innocent it’s just a bit odd. Unless there’s a very clear understandable reason i just feel it’s one of those things you don’t do….

saying that it’s probably entirely innocent and explain how you feel and leave it there?

No1toldmeaboutit · 25/04/2024 11:33

Sounds suspicious reading your replies, I would just carry on as normal as I could but keep a very close eye on him to try and catch him out

Johnthesensible · 25/04/2024 11:42

Why would he mention her before. I don't list every woman i've ever met to any future partner, even those I knew for a long time. One former work colleague I knew for 18 years. Went out socially, took her to the shops etc. No relationship. If I saw her again I would want a catch up.

'Casually' enquire for more info in your case. Sure everyone should be on their guard....but I've found being nice about it and you should get an honest answer. Create a fuss and he will start hiding any meet up/text even when nothing is going on. Trust is an important thing....sometimes you have to let them know you trust them even if you have doubts.

Anonymous2025 · 25/04/2024 12:03

I would tell him to leave ! Honestly if he his seeing you upset and still ok to risk loosing you then he doesn’t love you .

TennisLady · 25/04/2024 12:07

Yep, sorry OP I'm with you on this one red flags all over. A 'friend' he hasn't spoken to in over 20 years he suddenly needs to travel 50 miles to meet with the day after you return from holiday, suddenly being very secretive with his phone and increased usage on it, getting cross with you for wanting to know what the messages contain, I mean come on, it ticks all the red flag boxes here. Ignore the other OPs who have clearly never been cheated on and will be viewing this very naively.

TheShellBeach · 25/04/2024 12:22

How can he watch your distress, and not do everything in his power to alleviate it?
He's very unkind.
He should show you his phone, if he has nothing to hide.
The fact that he won't speaks volumes.

TennisLady · 25/04/2024 12:26

travelforthesoul · 24/04/2024 07:29

@BirdieMK3 I was once you, never bothered with husband going anywhere or doing anything - 100% trust on both sides until at the end...
I had this in my last marriage (together over 20 years) - started as an emotional affair, turned into a relationship. My whole life was over in a weekend. I ended our marriage. The children and I are fine now.

I am sorry, but this stinks and you are right to be wary. I would be seriously annoyed and asking him to show his phone, discuss things with you or ask him to leave as he is being duplicitous.

This. Everyone who has been through this previously can see what's happening here.

TheShellBeach · 25/04/2024 12:43

TennisLady · 25/04/2024 12:26

This. Everyone who has been through this previously can see what's happening here.

Show quote history

I know. It's really sad, the way they treat their wives.
And they all seem to think they're above suspicion.

30yearoldvirgin · 25/04/2024 12:44

LoopyLooooo · 22/04/2024 23:38

Ahh the old 'cool wives' misogyny. That didn't take long, did it? 🙄

Why would he ask if he can go to lunch with a friend anyway? Does he always ask your permission to see friends?

I don't mean this particular female one, I mean in general?

She isn’t a friend. He hasn’t had contact with her for 20 years.

cerisepanther73 · 25/04/2024 12:54

@BirdieMK3

Sounds a bit 🤔 claustrophobic suffocating a bit and bit/ some degree unhealthy too,

having a relationship in which neither has friends or and outside hobbies interests,

Just each other constantly,

However out of the blue he wants to get in touch with a friend haven't seen for that long,

What has awakened his curiosity then?

I wonder

I've got mixed feeling about this one from bitter experiences
Its bit difficult trying not let that colour my point of view perspective on friendships with opposite gender of relationship partner,

As i know a couple wife's passed away and they have friends of both genders,
No issues or Jealousy issues either in their relationship

But then being a Cool 😎 wife or husband is OK in theory but people can be hypocritical,

cerisepanther73 · 25/04/2024 12:57

@BirdieMK3

I think 🤔 you should go with your instincts on this one,

Is he quite open about this friendship, showing you emails or text messages to you,

telling you what they talked about

even saying you could meet her ?

TroubleMakingWitch · 25/04/2024 13:11

How are you OP?

Have you managed to discuss this with him? Hopefully he has relented and let you see the messages. I think without the conversation history and the context I wouldn't be able to move past this.

It seems likely there has been some conversation he's not comfortable sharing or surely he would show you to ease your worries?

Riverlee · 25/04/2024 13:38

I presumed from your title it may have been an old uni or college friend who joined the college Facebook page etc, and was in the area etc.

However, for him to initiate this contact and then to drive 25 miles to meet her. That’s serious wtf territory. And all secret. I’d be mad and angry and confused as well.

Swanfeet · 25/04/2024 13:39

My initial reaction was yes you overreacted, but actually the more I read something doesn’t add up.

Why only mention being back in touch with someone the day before wanting to meet? Especially if you’ve just been on holiday and not rushing around working etc. there was plenty of time to mention the old friend.

Nobody remembers a number from that long ago, unless that person really meant something and continued to do so for all that time.

Why did he not suggest all meeting?

Honestly I would be feeling like you. He been keeping this from you and I’d be a bit unsettled too.

Vonesk · 25/04/2024 13:43

Well, this sounds like something happening in plain sight.
Hes testing The Waters here.
Big. RED Flag !!!!!!
A slippery slope ahead, grab your crash helmet.
Is there now Three People in your marriage.
Before you blow up completely.
Tell Him or SHOW him WHAT separation is!!
Next weekend is SPA weekend for YOU and HE HOLDS the fort all weekend.
Give him what he wants , she can come and help with COOKING , CLEANING, CHILDCARE, while youre away. Oh the bliss, all weekend doing what you want. And bag a Toy boy too.

Wasityoubecayse · 25/04/2024 13:50

This reads like a very controlling relationship. It's terrifying and if it was my daughter I would tell her you cannot be isolated from the whole world and communicate with a single person. I'd tell my daughter get out get out get out.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 25/04/2024 13:57

Wasityoubecayse · 25/04/2024 13:50

This reads like a very controlling relationship. It's terrifying and if it was my daughter I would tell her you cannot be isolated from the whole world and communicate with a single person. I'd tell my daughter get out get out get out.

And what would you tell your daughter if her husband was meeting another woman, having either looked her up on social media or called her up out of the blue 20 years after he last saw her, having secretive discussions with the other woman, and would rather protect the privacy of his conversations with the other woman over sharing them with your daughter in order to reassure her that he wasn’t cheating? Choosing to be in a separate room rather than reassure his wife. What would you tell your daughter then?