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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
caringcarer · 24/04/2024 19:59

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:29

Apparently he just fancied meeting up with an old friend, they've been messaging for a few weeks...he instigated it. I knew nothing about him contacting her or their conversations until Friday. Why the secrets?? He won't show me messages??

Ahhh, not just a random meeting then. If he won't show you messages he has something he doesn't want you to see.

Brumhilda · 24/04/2024 20:04

Thursdaygirl · 24/04/2024 10:34

Not helpful

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Well it might not be helpful, but it’s a curved ball and is possible.

much stranger things have happened

Trytobeoptimistic · 24/04/2024 20:12

Brumhilda · 24/04/2024 20:04

Well it might not be helpful, but it’s a curved ball and is possible.

much stranger things have happened

Show quote history

Of course it's possible. Lots of unlikely scenarios are possible. But this isn't a game of trying to guess an unlikely explanation.
This is the OP's life and she came on here for help and advice. Not for people just to make up random plot twists.

Brumhilda · 24/04/2024 20:28

Trytobeoptimistic · 24/04/2024 20:12

Of course it's possible. Lots of unlikely scenarios are possible. But this isn't a game of trying to guess an unlikely explanation.
This is the OP's life and she came on here for help and advice. Not for people just to make up random plot twists.

Edited
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The whole thing stinks.

Out of nowhere after 20 years he drives? 50 miles which is probably 2 hours each way.

Something is very off, and some previous child in the mix (that he may not have known about) does fit as a scenario.

Him and this woman have previous, that’s a fact so I don't think it’s a random plot twist. It’s a possible scenario.

Something has motivated him after all this time to jump out of his “do everything together” marriage and go meet another woman.

Trytobeoptimistic · 24/04/2024 20:38

Brumhilda · 24/04/2024 20:28

The whole thing stinks.

Out of nowhere after 20 years he drives? 50 miles which is probably 2 hours each way.

Something is very off, and some previous child in the mix (that he may not have known about) does fit as a scenario.

Him and this woman have previous, that’s a fact so I don't think it’s a random plot twist. It’s a possible scenario.

Something has motivated him after all this time to jump out of his “do everything together” marriage and go meet another woman.

Show quote history

It's a possible scenario based on pure speculation.
There is not a shred of evidence to support it.
You are talking about plot twists as though this is a novel, not someone's life.
You talk as though you definitely know this women he met was from his past. We don't even know that.

BrendaSmall · 24/04/2024 20:48

Tbry24 · 23/04/2024 22:34

I couldn’t agree more. This is mine and my partners home plus in 20years of being together I’ve never even spoken to an ex.

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I’ve been with my partner for 41 years and I’ve got ex’s on Facebook who I chat to, doesn’t mean I’m planning on jumping into bed with them

Chillilounger · 24/04/2024 20:56

I think I would have suggested she come for dinner instead to meet his family.

Katbum · 24/04/2024 22:14

Bookworm20 · 24/04/2024 11:33

So you are in seperate living rooms and bedrooms and he could end this entire apparent 'misunderstanding' by simply proving to you that all is innocent.
He isn't doing that because he can't. I'm so sorry, this sounds worse and worse.
Someone who has not done anything wrong and is now sleeping separately from his wife simply because she has asked for reassurance would hand it over in a second.

I know that if I did something my dp was anxious or worried or concerned about to the point we ended up in seperate rooms and it was causing untold stress to him, I'd be doing everything to reassure him, no matter how unreasonable or weird or 'silly' I thought he was being. If I did something that hurt my dp, or caused them concern, i'd fix it.

What he is saying is the 'privacy' of a meaningless and innocent text conversation trumps your feelings.

Sorry OP, but its time to get into his phone if you need to see the actual proof. Although I think he has already proven himself to be guilty of something he knows you would be very very unhappy about.
More unhappy than you already are, so there's your answer really.

Was about to say just this. Who let’s something escalate to sleeping in separate rooms when they could make everything normal by just showing a couple of texts? No one.

MaybeItWasMe · 24/04/2024 22:37

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Calliopespa · 24/04/2024 22:43

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So tell us: are you having an affair? And did he contact you first? And was he inappropriate? Did he apologise for anything? Have you got his child? Do you think it’s you?! OP could have all her answers from that venerable crystal ball: Aka mumsnet!!

MaybeItWasMe · 24/04/2024 22:50

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BouncebackBetty · 24/04/2024 22:58

ABwithAnItch · 24/04/2024 06:36

I wouldn’t care. But then again, I don’t really like my husband very much and would be thrilled if he left me for another woman.

....been waiting for 10! 😆

...but our marriage finished a long time ago in reality. Neither of us have ever hooked up with anyone else (as far as I know).
It would be so much better if it had as it would have brought some kind of closure.

.........but if I'd been in love with someone for 20 years, I'd be really upset.

Secondstart1001 · 24/04/2024 23:00

@MaybeItWasMe … still fancy each other? Did I read that right? Sounds like quite dangerous territory already.

BouncebackBetty · 24/04/2024 23:05

An affair doesn't have to be just physical.

MaybeItWasMe · 24/04/2024 23:12

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BigAnne · 24/04/2024 23:16

BirdieMK3 · 23/04/2024 00:07

That's all the information I can give you. He's not on socials. You seem as surprised and confused as me!

Show quote history

Does he plan to continue with this friendship?

MaybeItWasMe · 24/04/2024 23:16

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Secondstart1001 · 24/04/2024 23:20

@MaybeItWasMe i think seeing as you do fancy him it would be unloyal to your husband and his trust in you. Could you not just go to this event and see him as a passing aquaintence. The fact you both fancy each other and will be away from home? I don’t know you at all so sorry if I’m making assumptions however I attend alot of these events and know what goes on. I think past partners belong in the past and you are ignoring a big red flag here in your own feelings. I know this isn’t the point of this thread but you seem quite amused by this thread and quite secretly thrilled at your meeting with your ex partner. I know I will probably get panned for this but this is how I see it.

a222 · 24/04/2024 23:55

DJLEGEND · 24/04/2024 07:08

That's so wrong, I've been single for 10 years now after being married for 20, and in that time I've met a lot of new female friends, some are single and some are married, we all met on a party weekender and we all meet up at new ones, I've shared rooms, apartments and beds with them and it's just been as mates, nothing has ever happened ever and I 100% respect them and nothing ever will, it's reactions like this that cause some people to hide things, not yo keep secrets but to stop a goose being called a duck, people deserve privacy even in a relationship, I'm not talking about lying but showing messages to prove there is nothing going on, that's just wrong during my marriage before I was cheated on our phones were always around, we both knew each other's passwords but not once did I pick up her phone and start looking through her contacts and her messages.
Sometimes it's all about trusting the person you love and if their is no trust then what does that say about a relationship, and I've also found that people who do not trust their partners usually have a reason not to be trusted themselves.

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typical bloke response, gerrof mumsnet

a222 · 24/04/2024 23:58

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

you are clearly not a woman’s woman meeting a married man behind her back! i wouldn’t trust a word out of your mouth.

shuggles · 25/04/2024 00:24

It would never be a concern if I met a woman for lunch.

It's not possible for me to cheat, because that would necessitate two women finding me attractive at the same time.

Hamsterinaball · 25/04/2024 01:38

Hi OP,

Been following this thread and I'm sorry it's so shit. You do have alot of women backing you and even a man I think I read, so hope you feel that support at least.

I think your husband is absolutely out of order and gaslighting you. He isn't entitled to keep these messages and use the "privacy" card anymore! Your marriage should mean more and he should want to put your mind at ease. Even if he was innocent cough,
then the fact he has let this drag for the sake of his pride isn't on either. He's treating you poorly and you need to stand up to him, by giving him a choice, to be honest or quite frankly to fuck right off.

He is causing an atmosphere for you and your child.

I know you don't want your son in a broken home but to be honest? Sounds like it could be with the way your husband is behaving!

Hope you find strength x

Kyle123 · 25/04/2024 03:06

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Secondstart1001 · 25/04/2024 06:46

Yes and there’s no reassurance in planning to tell her that her husband loves her and DC yet they fancy each other! You hit the mail on the head, not a woman’s woman’s @a222

Usernamechange1234 · 25/04/2024 06:47

@BirdieMK3 I hope you’re coping this morning. As posters have said the fact he is watching you so distressed and still not giving you comfort, when he could (if his story is true) do that so easily, is telling.

I remember once being told watch their actions not their words at times like these and this is so true. His actions are showing how much he values this ‘private’ conversation and contact over his relationship with his wife.

Well done for not letting him rug sweep this and holding your ground. That takes strength. 💐💐💐