My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

I think once you are acting like the police investigating a crime in your own marriage, it’s marriage over. If there is nothing to hide he shouldn’t be hiding his messages. That’s it. Him not showing you isthe answer.

Very true. My first marriage descended into a sad game of cat and mouse, its no way to live.

OP do you think it is possible he could have had a child with this woman 20 years ago and this child is now of an age where they are asking about their dad hence the meet up?

Were my husband starting an affair he'd be leaving whether he thought it was 'worth it' or not.

This is pure speculation. I don't think it's helpful to OP to start dreaming up possible scenarios.

Not helpful

Sorry to say, OP, that this sounds a bit suss. Especially given that you are essentially living separate lives in the same house now. This does sound a bit suspicious that he is being really secretive about his communications with her.
I think at this point, you have nothing to lose. You need to probably tell him that this is the breaking point. You can't go on like this. So, he chooses you, and your family, and is open about his communications - or, he chooses his new, secret life, and moves out to do that.

That’s where my thoughts were going. Or possibly something forceful ( not rape necessarily) but something he now feels trespassed over the line and wants to apologise. He seems very determined and didn’t initially hide the fact. To me a focused mission seems more likely than an affair.

In a way it is. It wouldn’t be an affair and might explain why thd need to meet up without him necessarily wanting any damage to his current marriage .

Also, banking apps may require you to have a PIN.
I never had one until I had to install a banking app and it forced me to create one.

Wow, that really is a huge, unhelpful stretch.

It's far more likely that he's been looking at women he used to know when he was young, got in touch with one and decided to meet up. Much more realistic that he thinks she's the one who got away than there was a near-rape and he feels guilty!

I specifically said not a near rape.

But we all had things we did when young that we wouldn’t do now. I totally overstepped as a teen by telling a secret . It was of no real consequence to anyone else and at the time that’s what I thought. But as I’ve grown older I have come to understand why it was a secret and hurtful to have shared and I recently apologised . She hadn’t forgotten and I was glad I reached out. We look back and can see the errors of our ways . My DH first kissed me in a way that would be seen as crossing boundaries now: but we thought it romantic at the time. That’s the sort of thing I had thought of.

And quite honestly I think that is a far more reassuring scenario to op and more in keeping with the DH she had hitherto known that he might have a conscience and want to do the right thing - rather than skirt chasing .

If he isn't happy showing you the messages they can't be innocent can they.

He has specifically searched her out, made contact with her, for a number of weeks, then arranged to meet up for lunch some 50miles away, all while not speaking a word to you.

She could be two mins round the corner for all you know and the distance gave them more time to be together.

I just couldn't stay with him, after he has kept this from you.

OP, sending you hugs and love.

Whatever the outcome, now is the time to get your ducks in line. Forewarned, as they say, is forearmed.

Racing dtivers are not known for their self restraint and it could be he's acting like he's still on the track. Whatever the truth of it you need to protect your own interests. Try to get a free half hour with a solicitor specialising in family law and find out where you stand. And remember that this is none of your fault.

So you are in seperate living rooms and bedrooms and he could end this entire apparent 'misunderstanding' by simply proving to you that all is innocent.
He isn't doing that because he can't. I'm so sorry, this sounds worse and worse.
Someone who has not done anything wrong and is now sleeping separately from his wife simply because she has asked for reassurance would hand it over in a second.

I know that if I did something my dp was anxious or worried or concerned about to the point we ended up in seperate rooms and it was causing untold stress to him, I'd be doing everything to reassure him, no matter how unreasonable or weird or 'silly' I thought he was being. If I did something that hurt my dp, or caused them concern, i'd fix it.

What he is saying is the 'privacy' of a meaningless and innocent text conversation trumps your feelings.

Sorry OP, but its time to get into his phone if you need to see the actual proof. Although I think he has already proven himself to be guilty of something he knows you would be very very unhappy about.
More unhappy than you already are, so there's your answer really.

I'm so very sorry

The man is an idiot

What do you think might be the next thing to do @BirdieMK3 ?

🥰

@BirdieMK3 are you living in seperate bedrooms off the back of him going off to meet this woman on the weekend or has this been going on from before this? Sorry if you’ve mentioned it previously.
I think you are also right to feel how you feel. The only person I’d drive 50 miles for is DP, DC or very close family.

@BirdieMK3 I am so sorry. It sounds like you have done the very best you can for your son, providing him with a stable family up until now.
Unfortunately, your husband has taken matters away from you and seems to have broken his side of the commitment.
Whatever the outcome, it's not your fault.

I think if it was me, I would have to ask him to move out with immediate effect.

Tell him that whether or not an actual physical affair has taken place is irrelevant, the emotional infidelity is just as serious.

Tell him if he wants to save your family unit, he has to come completely clean and demonstrate he understands how deep a breach of trust this has been.

If not, he is no longer welcome in the house.
I know it's incredibly hard, but try not to be emotional when talking to him. Be factual and firm.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

The daft your DH would rather live in separate rooms than answer a few simple questions tells its own story.

Hes having an emotional affair at the very least and his story is bollocks. Who would drive 50 miles to spend a few hours with an old acquaintance after 20 years no contact?

None of it rings true - I think often the most obvious answer is the right one. Hes cheating

Oh no 😔
I was also hoping for a different outcome

If he had nothing to hide he would show you the messages.

Op I’ve just reread your posts stripped of all the noise about an affair.

I genuinely think it sounds like something more unusual than that. You don’t ask your wife if she would mind you going to have an affair and you don’t from in from an affair rendezvous vous knowing v you know your wife knows you were there and just act normal. To me it doesn’t stack up as an affair.

I do think there could be some other reason he is determined on it and he was wanting it to be with your blessing. Now he’s pissed off because he thinks you’re being unreasonable ( you’re not, given what you know ); but to me it suggests that he feels his behaviour is reasonable. He wouldn’t think that if it was an affair.

I think it’s more nuanced than a shag. A couple of posters said my suggestions that he had something to apologise for etc we’re unhelpful. But I’m not sure they are less helpful than whipping you up to leave because he’s having an affair. The truth is you don’t know that and reading what you have posted ( and not the noise of others) I still think it isn’t clear that he is.

I’m sorry OP. I’ve quite recently been cheated on so my view maybe coloured. Together for 25 years. He always had female friends, I was trusting. The infidelity I discovered came after him spending time alone with someone from his childhood who now lives abroad. I knew about her but didn’t see it coming.

So I have to say this does sound highly suspicious, having come out of nowhere, never mentioned before, and suddenly so important he goes 50 miles. He won’t show you his phone. I’m really sorry. It fucking sucks.

Have you just asked him straight? Reading your posts I can’t see that you have.

I wonder if bickering ( not meant as negative to you; it’s what I’d be doing too ) over seeing his phone is a distraction from the real issue and creating a separate issue around you and your trust/ control. Maybe just circumvent that by asking directly . I know it’s scary if you get a yes. But so much easier …

Otherwise after three months or so of you feeling understandably aggrieved and sleeping in separate rooms etc he’ll try the “ well it isn’t working anyway.” Hit it straight now and out him on the spot to have it called what it is.

Why not? That’s exactly what I did. Told my husband I was off to meet old friend, he went mad and told me I wasn’t going, I went anyway and I’ve already said how that went! And I acted completely normal at first until I told him I was leaving.

In my opinion, having been in exactly this situation - he’s hedging his bets. He’s not decided if he’s all in with the other woman yet and he’s hoping OP gives up and stops asking awkward questions. Hope this isn’t the case but I suspect I’m right.

Hope you are ok OP x