My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

That's so wrong, I've been single for 10 years now after being married for 20, and in that time I've met a lot of new female friends, some are single and some are married, we all met on a party weekender and we all meet up at new ones, I've shared rooms, apartments and beds with them and it's just been as mates, nothing has ever happened ever and I 100% respect them and nothing ever will, it's reactions like this that cause some people to hide things, not yo keep secrets but to stop a goose being called a duck, people deserve privacy even in a relationship, I'm not talking about lying but showing messages to prove there is nothing going on, that's just wrong during my marriage before I was cheated on our phones were always around, we both knew each other's passwords but not once did I pick up her phone and start looking through her contacts and her messages.
Sometimes it's all about trusting the person you love and if their is no trust then what does that say about a relationship, and I've also found that people who do not trust their partners usually have a reason not to be trusted themselves.

Not really the point I was making.

Why wouldn’t you have a pin?

It’s not to hide things from your spouse (my husband knows my pin), but to stop anyone else from getting into your phone if you lose it etc.

No I don’t think is called for either.

I’d actually rather have OP’s version of marriage than plenty of others, though for us it’s sheer weight of commitments that sees us divide snd conquer sometimes. Pre dcs we did most things together and I actually think our marriage was better if anything for it. But it’s each to their own - and sometimes each to what they get. I suppose if your oh tends to do a lot separately in his downtime you have to adjust your mindset to feel it’s a good thing.

Please stop using the phrase “cool wives”. It’s horrible and derogatory and undermining. Pretty sexist too.

@BirdieMK3 I was once you, never bothered with husband going anywhere or doing anything - 100% trust on both sides until at the end...
I had this in my last marriage (together over 20 years) - started as an emotional affair, turned into a relationship. My whole life was over in a weekend. I ended our marriage. The children and I are fine now.

I am sorry, but this stinks and you are right to be wary. I would be seriously annoyed and asking him to show his phone, discuss things with you or ask him to leave as he is being duplicitous.

The ONLY thing you need to listen to is you GUT. if it doesn't feel right then it Isn't right. I've been in same position as you .... My gut told me and low and behold it was right each and Everytime! We are now divorced. YOUR GUT FEELING IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Good luck x

When I read the beginning I thought 'of course I wouldn't mind' then I read a bit more and realised the situation I thought it was is completely different to the one it is

In my head, initially, I was thinking he bumped into someone he used to know in the street/she started working with him, they caught up and decided to get lunch the following day - absolutely fine even if I'd never heard him mention her before, because he would have explained who she was 'Katie, we shared a flat in the first year of uni'/'Ellie was my nan's next door neighbour - you remember me mentioning Mrs S, it's her daughter'/'Joanne went out with Mark for about 4 years, you know Mark we went to his wedding, Joanne is his ex'

I think it needed to be a chance meeting in the first place for me to be ok with it (or recently been to a reunion etc)

Call his bluff. Tell him he is right. You shouldn't have to see the messages but unfortunately his recent behaviours have caused it to no longer trust him and you can not go on duty the marriage. See what his reaction is
If it's anything other than horror and a desperate attempt to assuage your fears you have your answer. If he is angry or hostile you REALLY have your answer. That is a guilt response not one of innocence.

If he starts telling people you ended the relationship stick to the line that he ended it when he unmarked in an affair. Any denials should just be met with a confident assertion that he is indeed having an affair. You'll see how he responds

In the future if your dh suddenly appears with a new partner everyone will know they started as an affair

I wish to this day I’d been harder. Expressed my boundaries more forcefully. Made him realise that it wasn’t ok.

So in many ways I agree with the forceful approach to alert him to the fact you will not tolerate this.

But I also know how hard that is when you treasure your family unit and marriage so very much.

Exactly. Same here.

@Barleysugar86 what would you have felt or done had those "butterflies" you felt for that man still been there? You'd have 2 choices; you'd have to either grit you teeth, ignore those raging hormones (easier said than done) and decide it's too dangerous to have contact with him again, or you wouldn't have been unable to ignore those butterflies, wanted to see him again, and...
You played with fire there and I can't understand why you'd risk your marriage for the sake of quenching your curiosity.

@BirdieMK3 I'm sorry your husband is behaving like this. If it were me I'd have to get him thinking of how this "friendship" might progress if he liked her and wanted to see her again. Get him thinking of how easy an affair can start, and what the consequences would be for you both and your son. He needs to understand he's taking a huge risk. If he's into her he's probably not thinking further than the next meetup. Bring him back down to earth with a bump.

Where is his phone when he's asleep at night? Honestly, I would wake up at 2am, switch it off and hide it. Let him search for it and have to go off to work without it. It will drive him crazy, but you will have 8 hours or so, to try to guess the pin. If you don't guess it, no harm done, just put the phone under the bed or near where it lives overnight and he will just think he missed it on his early morning search.

Hide it in the bin under the rubbish sack. He won’t look there.

OK so in response to the first line in your OP..... what do you do?

I think you need to change tact here. IF this is a situation where he IS meeting a woman, other than as just an old friend catch up, then he will simply hide it further knowing you are suspicious.

So time to go into stealth mode and find out for sure. I recommend saying to him that you've had a think about the situation and that you were being unreasonable about the whole thing. Make him relax about it.
And tell him that you are pleased he has met an old friend, as definitely good to reconnect with people and you'd love to know more about her.

Seem genuinely interested (and trusting) in the whole thing.
If there is nothing going on, he will involve you, because after all you are now being totally reasonable about the entire thing so he can't pin anything on you about trust and privacy and all that bollocks.
If there IS something going on, he will become more relaxed about it because he thinks you're 'over it' and thats when he will slip up and you'll get the truth start to filter through.

Good luck and I hope its all above board, but if it isn't you need to know one way or the other. And I think the only way you will do that is if he thinks its all hunky dory and he is getting away with it.

He is being dodgy AF.

Sorry you are going through this op..

I think once you are acting like the police investigating a crime in your own marriage, it’s marriage over. If there is nothing to hide he shouldn’t be hiding his messages. That’s it. Him not showing you is the answer.

Completely agree and I would have asked him to leave the second he refused to show his messages (obviously because of the events leading up to that, not in isolation). But as OP hasn’t and needs proof ….

Classic dodgy behaviour regarding phone eg can't let it out of his sight, PIN protected, keeping messages from you.

If he's not already in an affair, he sounds like he's teeing one up.

Please stop wishing that as you're blaming yourself. You should be able to trust the person you marry otherwise what's the point in getting married? He shouldn't need telling, it's literally there - forsaking all others.

@Bestyearever2024
Thank you. Nothing has changed, he still won't show me his phone, still protests I'm overreacting. We are in separate living rooms and bedrooms.... I'm not sure what my next move is. I'm from a broken home and I so didn't want that for our Son 😪

How about handing him your phone OP and asking him to read this thread showing him how other women would feel in the same situation.

I didn't want that for my dc either when h had an affair. It was hell but I stayed for nine bloody years. Then he said something that was beyond forgivable and I was done. It did take a while to tell him but I'm now divorcing him, the kids are 18-23 and have handled it much better than I expected and it turns out I'm not the person he turned me in to. I'm doing ok. He's not.

Staying for your dc is never okay really as they might feel responsible for our unhappiness when they find out the reality.

my 23 year old said thank you for putting up with him so we could have a good childhood but that isn't always what will be felt and tbh I stayed because of my situation too due to what an awful childhood had made me feel.

You're stronger than you realise yet.

Don't do this.