My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

Ask him to take you to meet her as you'd love to know his friends from his former life.

See what the response is.

If he says 'no' I'd be suspicious too.

weird that wimmin are so ridiculously paranoidly suspicious and unreasonable , when over half of acquaintances from 40 years ago are easily looked up on social media / FFS that's what it is for - - - That's why it was invented ! - FB and all that sprouted from Friends Reunited 30 years ago , (Doh )

He cannot put you through such utter misery.

Pack his bags and tell him not to come back.

I'm so cross for you. He's an utter basta*d.

Did Jeremy Kyle escape your notice completely?

Weird how so many relationships have broken down when one person got back in touch with an ‘old friend’ on Facebook or friends reunited.

It would be a huge no from me! Not the meeting a female friend, but his entire behaviour towards the whole situation and towards you! If you have been married for 20 years you should know the other person inside out so he should know full well how hurtful he is being to you. I would be saying to him to invite her to your house so you can meet her if its as innocent as he makes out.

Jeremy Kyle is trash tv for the masses ?

I am on the fence as can understand him wanting you to trust him and not interrogate his phone, but it is a bit odd so can understand you questioning where it is coming from.

in general would say irs healthier to have more outside interactions than you have been, perhaps this would be an easier way to open up the conversation.

Panem et circensis ?

I usually try to assume it's not an affair unless really clear evidence, but in this case OP, I think something dodgy is going on. What he's said makes no sense, and I think there may be a lot more to this than you've been told. But it also sounds like he's not going to tell you, if that's the case. Do you know her name? Can you look her up and contact her, say hey I'm his wife and wanted to drop you a line to say hello, feel free to come over for lunch some weekend... and see how she responds? i.e. don't barrel in accusing her of anything, but check she knows he's married and try to make yourself a real person to her.

If someone decided that they needed to get out more wouldn’t they usually start off with talking about it first “I feel like we need to get out more - let’s go on holiday to….” or “There’s a mate at work I get on with, why don’t we invite him and his partner over for dinner?” or “Joe has invited me for a bike ride…”.

I think the OP’s situation is weird though with the phone hiding and being vague about this woman plus driving 100 miles return. The OP is right to find this off, especially as she knows him and we don’t.

I couldn’t agree more. This is mine and my partners home plus in 20years of being together I’ve never even spoken to an ex.

If she was an old friend then surely you would have known about her / met her/ heard him talk about her? If you have never heard of her then his behaviour is suspicious.
If it was innocent then why not suggest you come along and meet her too especially as he see it’s upsetting you?
If it was innocent then wouldn’t he let you see their text messages?

I think you are right to be suspicious and if I were you I’d be ‘getting my ducks in a row’ asap.

Interesting responses. I think it is odd that several don’t think it is possible for heterosexual men and women to just be friends.

I wonder how theh would react to a DH saying his bisexual wife shouldn’t be allowed to meet up with a female childhood friend because she obviously was her girlfriend and she’s cheating or about to and you only keep in touch with people for sexual reasons, friendship just doesn’t exist when the person is of a sex you are attracted to.

If it's the start of an affair, I'd recommend teacting strongly now before it develops into something that he thinks is worth leaving you for.

This all is very odd behaviour from him. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are wrong for doubting him.

Do you share an email that you could see if he has any account you don’t know about . Twitter Facebook. Instagram or even a dating site. .He is up to something OP and doesn’t care . He’s doing it in full view thinking he’s clever .

Id also ask one last time to see the message did not he has to leave. .

Please don't be offended op, but how was your sex life on holiday ?

@BirdieMK3 a few things come to mind.

1. I remember many phone numbers from my childhood and youth. Didn't think of it until now but I can remember at least 7 of my friends as well as my own.
2. I think sometimes as we enter more middle age it's really normal to what to re-connect with old friends. I have in the last couple years, basically when I hit 40.
3. It's a tad unique to do everything together? No hobbies or friendships without the other person being there? Personally I'd find that suffocating. Maybe this is his one thing that is just his own?

I have a childhood friend I haven’t seen in years.
I think I’d meet him for lunch.
But I’d also meet his wife and be interested in her and her interests because she’s his wife.
I’m not in the least interested romantically in my friend, but his wife has no way of knowing that - and I would never ever do anything to jeopardize another woman’s relationship or marriage.
Because that’s just the lowest of the low of things to do to another woman.

Do you know what this woman’s intentions are, @BirdieMK3? I think men are generally stupid - and I speak from experience. If she’s just meeting up for lunch, no biggie. If she has “single intentions,” I’d get a grip on the situation.

His phone is stuck to him of late… This change is very telling.

@BirdieMK3, they’ve built a connection and OW has been on his mind. He knew during your holiday that he’d be traveling for their lunch date the day after returning home.

Your H certainly does understand why his behavior is unsettling you, but is pretending otherwise. He is well aware that he is stonewalling and using subterfuge to sideline you. His manipulative agenda includes downplaying OW’s significance, dismissing your distress, shifting the blame to your ‘overreacting,’ and blocking your access to their communication.

It’s clear that he is prioritizing and protecting their relationship while shitting on yours. His disrespect is appalling, @BirdieMK3. I would tell him to leave while you consider your options.

I wouldn’t care. But then again, I don’t really like my husband very much and would be thrilled if he left me for another woman.

@BirdieMK3 you don’t need to justify your relationship to anyone on here. You and your marriage are NOT the reasons for his current behaviour.

FWIW I lived in a very insular marriage. I was the extrovert, he is not, still isn’t. But we were growing our family and happy just to be together with our children. HE had the affair, I did not! So please don’t listen to those claiming your insular marriage is the issue.

A few wise posters have told you that his behaviour is walking all over the boundaries you have laid out. You are trying to make sense of the nonsensical right now. A husband who would have listened and responded to your concerns is blocking you out, refusing to answer your questions and meeting a woman you don’t know.

I know I wouldn’t bother with a drive of 50 miles to meet an old friend from 20 years ago. I genuinely don’t know anyone who would, especially with so many ways of contacting people.

He’s lying, he’s gaslighting, he’s stonewalling and you’re picking up that right now you’re not safe and that is raising your anxiety.

When my husband did this (and fwiw I was at that point a cool wife so his friendships with very beautiful women and even his ex did not trouble me) I recognised it but reacted badly. She was a new ‘friend’, I picked up on my lack of safety very quickly but I thought I could have a reasonable conversation with him about where these ‘secret’ friendships could lead and he would listen and respond. He did not. I was wrong.

By the point she was a secret and exciting and he was prepared to behave differently with her to his normal behaviours he was already hooked.

I wish to this day I’d been harder. Expressed my boundaries more forcefully. Made him realise that it wasn’t ok.

So in many ways I agree with the forceful approach to alert him to the fact you will not tolerate this.

But I also know how hard that is when you treasure your family unit and marriage so very much.

I know this is a horrendous time and I’m so sorry you came on here and have been attacked.

Your marriage is not the problem. Your husband is.

Sorry OP, it’s deeply suspicious, I agree with you (and your gut).

Its come out of nowhere,

He only told you because he had to as it was out of character / routine,

He didn’t care that you said you didn’t want him to go,

he drove 50 miles to see her (wtaf)

he’s keeping his phone by his side and won’t show you the ‘innocent’ messages cos you have to trust him (that old chestnut).

It seems like either it’s an old flame, not friend, or maybe it is someone new totally (and the old friend stuff is Bs). Did you / he meet anyone on your very recent holiday?

I’m so sorry, this must be such a shock and your life is turned upside down. Trying to keep it together for your son as well. 🥺

If he is starting some sort of an affair, it’s possible it’s a bit of a midlife crisis etc. She’s (old or new) flattered him, expect she’s single split up from her husband etc.

You need to tell him how it’s all making you feel. And ask him again to show you the messages. It’s part of his life, of course you should know, you want to understand. Etc.

If he won’t show you at all either he’s got something to hide, or he’s being a total dick for no apparent reason.

He met her, he came back. Ask him what’s going on, as this isn’t making sense to you. If he cares he’ll tell you.

Hugs x

How's it going @BirdieMK3 ? Did you get anything sorted? I've been thinking about you 🥰

Omg what a gross generalisation! They don't bother with women they don't fancy?
This is your problem, you know some very odd men, or you give off bad vibes.