Page 15 | My husband met up with....

BirdieMK3 · 2024-04-22T22:12:35+00:00

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏 I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old. He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous... On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years. OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other.... Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!! He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!! Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 23/04/2024 18:53

@DirtyDuchess no, coffee and a shag

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 19:02

What the fuck does he mean he's seeing her again?

Umm. No.

He's a married man. He can't just go gallivanting off with other women.

I'd show him the door perminantly. He's attempting conduct an affair now and gadlighting you for being mad at him about it.

Tell him to pack his shit and fuck off.

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:04

He's attempting conduct an affair now and gaslighting you for being mad at him about it.

Yep

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 19:05

'I'm seeing her again'
'Then I want a divorce'.

There you go, thats how you respond op.

samestyle · 23/04/2024 19:09

I don't blame you for being upset, it does seem sus that he's never mentioned her before, can't of been that good of a friend, either it's a lie and it's a new woman or someone he had a thing with before you, any genuine friendship wouldn't of been kept/ not spoken about.

Can you imagine if you did this to him, I bet he wouldn't like it one bit.

Unfortunately men like him gaslight you and make you out to be jealous and crazy, then suddenly he'll get in relationship with her after you kicked him out, when it's obvious what he's up to.

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:15

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 19:05

'I'm seeing her again'
'Then I want a divorce'.

There you go, thats how you respond op.

Not sure if I’ve missed an update, has he confirmed he’s seeing her again? In which case, the OP definitely needs to play hard-ball, otherwise he’ll have an affair right under her nose, then try to blame the OP.

There’s no harm in telling him he has to choose, immediately. Just a word of caution about ultimatums though, don’t issue one unless you intend to go through with it, otherwise you just weaken your position and lose all your bargaining chips

Thorn2005 · 23/04/2024 19:18

Hi I’m new to mums net but I desp need some advice I’ve been with my partner 3 years and he’s been seeing another woman for 12 months I really want to contact her but people are saying def not he said that I have to move out so now I’m looking for somewhere else to live I’ve registered myself homeless but it’s a 12 week process please help guys as I’m lost and don’t know what to do x

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:21

Thorn2005 · 23/04/2024 19:18

Hi I’m new to mums net but I desp need some advice I’ve been with my partner 3 years and he’s been seeing another woman for 12 months I really want to contact her but people are saying def not he said that I have to move out so now I’m looking for somewhere else to live I’ve registered myself homeless but it’s a 12 week process please help guys as I’m lost and don’t know what to do x

If you start your own thread, lots of people will give you advice

Calliopespa · 23/04/2024 19:24

CountessWindyBottom · 23/04/2024 17:17

I came here to post this very thing @Bookworm20 . I think the 'old friend' nonsense is most probably just trying to add an air of respectablity/acceptablity to an entirely unacceptable situation. I'm so sorry @BirdieMK3 but this sudden pronouncement that he needs to travel to see this woman as soon as he comes back from a holiday sounds to me like they've been in constant communication and he 'needed' to see her as soon as he got home. Is he on dating websites? Or an old flame perhaps?

He is showing you a complete lack of respect. If my OH did this I'd want her name, address and basically blood group and would be doing a deep dive on exactly who she is and what mutual friends they have. The fact that this woman and her identity are being kept secret, that he won't show you the messages and is completely disregarding your feelings does not bode well. I'm so sorry.

What are you going to do going forward? Do you have a joint account? Can you see where he has spent money on that day etc?

Blood group! 🤣Actually more seriously an STD screen could be useful too …

I’m sorry OP it sounds really irregular . It could be innocent but if he’s wanting to pursue the friendship I think you need to be upfront that he needs to loop you in properly. You don’t need to feel embarrassed about asking that: ignore the cool wives making you feel you can’t ; they are probably all being cheated on.

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:25

OP, I was way too lenient with my first husband, I was terrified to go mad at him or really lay the law down in case it made him more likely to want the OW over me. I’ve often wondered how things would have panned out if I’d had more self confidence and higher self esteem, and been more assertive

DirtyDuchess · 23/04/2024 19:28

I've been there with a cheating husband who thought he was so clever with his gaslighting that he'd get away with it. He thought differently when his case was left on the front doorstep with my wedding ring on top after one of his jaunts away.

OP, it's miserable to be in that position but you need to confront him and tell him if it's innocent you need ALL the facts right now including seeing his messages or else he packs his stuff and moves out. Be strong!

DietsAreForTheWeak · 23/04/2024 19:28

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

You're not bitter at all.

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:30

OP, it's miserable to be in that position but you need to confront him and tell him if it's innocent you need ALL the facts right now including seeing his messages or else he packs his stuff and moves out. Be strong!

This is good advice. If he’s genuinely bothered about you, then he will do the right thing. If not, then this tells you all you need to know.

Dwrcegin · 23/04/2024 19:30

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:15

Not sure if I’ve missed an update, has he confirmed he’s seeing her again? In which case, the OP definitely needs to play hard-ball, otherwise he’ll have an affair right under her nose, then try to blame the OP.

There’s no harm in telling him he has to choose, immediately. Just a word of caution about ultimatums though, don’t issue one unless you intend to go through with it, otherwise you just weaken your position and lose all your bargaining chips

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I read that he did not reply when she asked if he was seeing her again.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/04/2024 19:31

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:54

It's just us, thats how we are, we do everything together.

Show quote history

Where's that face from the Scream poster?

DietsAreForTheWeak · 23/04/2024 19:34

Is she a professional e.g. lawyer? Does she run/own a business?
Does your husband own/run a business. Is he in sales.
So many deals are done by tapping old acquaintances. It's much easier than 'networking'.

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 19:34

Dwrcegin · 23/04/2024 19:30

I read that he did not reply when she asked if he was seeing her again.

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Ah yeah you are right. My bad.
Tbf though, no answer is the answer.

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:37

DietsAreForTheWeak · 23/04/2024 19:34

Is she a professional e.g. lawyer? Does she run/own a business?
Does your husband own/run a business. Is he in sales.
So many deals are done by tapping old acquaintances. It's much easier than 'networking'.

Well if, for example, this female was in the lawnmower hire business, just like the OP’s DH, he’d just say he had a meeting about lawnmowers, wouldn’t he?

DietsAreForTheWeak · 23/04/2024 19:43

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:37

Well if, for example, this female was in the lawnmower hire business, just like the OP’s DH, he’d just say he had a meeting about lawnmowers, wouldn’t he?

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Of course he would. He's unscrupulous. Like all the men in your head.

I like to brag to my husband that some of his mates are imbeciles who give terrible advice, but honestly some of the projection and overreaction of posters on this thread/site gives them a run for their money.

neilyoungismyhero · 23/04/2024 19:52

Similar happened to me several years ago. Suddenly my husband started visiting his new accountant in our previous hometown. Next I knew he was in contact with an old girlfriend who he always said it seemed like they had unfinished business whatever that means. He didn't make a secret of their pub lunches or their talks about their 'lost' relationship et al. I also found he'd been texting her saying sorry he'd missed her last time but would catch up next time. Texts ending with xxx..I didn't even think he was capable of texting at that time. The end came when he quietly sent her flowers on Christmas day with more kisses. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
He had a choice to make then. He decided it wasn't worth the effort so decided to forget about it all, just as well.

Thursdaygirl · 23/04/2024 19:58

@neilyoungismyhero i’m sorry you had to go through all that

Frances0911 · 23/04/2024 20:46

He should have asked you to go as well. If he wanted to meet her alone then it's not on.

SabreIsMyFave · 23/04/2024 20:52

Gwenhwyfar · 23/04/2024 19:31

Where's that face from the Scream poster?

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I don't get why some people are giving a hard time/mocking her for being with her DH a lot/doing everything with him. People are different/couples are different. As a few others have said, this isn't about you and how 'horrific' you find it.

LavenderPup · 23/04/2024 20:56

Sorry OP it doesn’t sound good. We’re a ‘do everything together’ couple which DH learnt from his dad. If he suddenly found an old ‘friend’ and wouldn’t be honest about the meeting/messages he’d be gone.

Washingupdone · 23/04/2024 21:20

I am so sorry you are going through this. The only advice I can offer is get your ducks in a row, a copy of everything and put them in a safe place. It will be all clear in your mind. Not real comfort, but then if the worst happens at least you will be prepared, which he may not have thought of.