My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

I agree. What a bloody weird thing to do. Wouldn’t fly here

What's all this Secret Squirrel stuff that people have on their phones? Our phones have PIN's, and we both know what each others are. We happily reach for the closest phone if we need to check the weather or something.

When you are hiding something from your spouse it spells trouble.

I agree it seems suspicious but I’m also a bit suspicious about why you’re being so defensive about this one comment ?

Agreed with your last statement. Its gross to explore with an un-consenting partner.

I just feel like we all subconsciously and actually give men too much of a break for this sort of thing.

Either stay in - or get out. Emotions are difficult but its a choice to be present in a relationship isn't it.

Super weird. The poster talks as though she did her DH a favour, by inviting the Ex to her home, and she talks about respecting the marriage. This is the epitome of disrespect. I honestly think that she was hoping for there still to be something there, and who knows where that would have led.

If you are head over heels in love with your DH, then you don't care what Exes have been up to. You certainly don't invite them in to your home, and then watch your DH go to the pub, so you can have a cosy night together.

This post really made me feel a bit panicky. The poor DH walking down the path, whilst she sits there with the Ex. My whole heart would be screaming for DH to come back.

But I value my marriage 1000 times more than any desire to know what Exes have been up to. They are nothing to me. DH is my soul mate.

With your further additi9ons OP, I'm so sorry but it does not look good.

The fact he won't show you the messages and has become glued to his phone are very very telling.

I am actually thinking that this is not an old friend at all, but a woman he has started something with, and hes used the old friend line because saying to you, its a NEW female friend he knows would be an immediate 'what the hell' from you. So hes gone with the 'old friend' route to make it seem safe and was hoping you'd be all 'oh great, have fun' with it all.

You must be in total turmoil right now. He is now accusing you of not trusting him and respecting his privacy. Sorry, but the stress and anxiety of this on you must be through the roof. What does he care most about? Ask him that. Your well being or some apparenly innocnet texts from na old friend just catching up?
Who comes first? your feelings or hers?
Seriously, ask him that and tell him to show you them. I suspect though they are now deleted. (which he will reason out as some random unexplained technology fail which randomly deleted those messages - which seems to happen to lots of men, poor things).

Don't let him blow you off with some crap about privacy! Or trust! HE went 50 miles out of his way to meet another woman for lunch, who you had no knowledge of and he hadn't mentioned ever in the entire time you have been together.

This is the line, from another poster. if he gets arsy, use this:
Well you know what, the interests of the marriage now override the right to privacy, so your move dickhead.

I wouldnt be happy with the secrecy and the fact he won’t let you read the messages. Very very suspicious

Cool. Both examples you mention sound fine.

But you are honestly saying that if your DP suddenly looked up a woman from 20 years ago, no contact in-between, messaged her for a few weeks without telling you, drove 50 miles to meet her even though you said you’d rather they didn’t and when you wanted to know more about why they were messaging her, they said no and wouldn’t talk about it - you’d be cool? Coooool.

I came here to post this very thing @Bookworm20 . I think the 'old friend' nonsense is most probably just trying to add an air of respectablity/acceptablity to an entirely unacceptable situation. I'm so sorry @BirdieMK3 but this sudden pronouncement that he needs to travel to see this woman as soon as he comes back from a holiday sounds to me like they've been in constant communication and he 'needed' to see her as soon as he got home. Is he on dating websites? Or an old flame perhaps?

He is showing you a complete lack of respect. If my OH did this I'd want her name, address and basically blood group and would be doing a deep dive on exactly who she is and what mutual friends they have. The fact that this woman and her identity are being kept secret, that he won't show you the messages and is completely disregarding your feelings does not bode well. I'm so sorry.

What are you going to do going forward? Do you have a joint account? Can you see where he has spent money on that day etc?

Oh God, the accusations of Cool Wife are back. 🙄

I'd be completely fine with my DH meeting up with an old friend who has happened to be female. In fact, as I recall, he did, a couple of times before DC came along. Someone who he worked with who was in the area with her DH, and another ex-colleague I think. He's met up with a couple of female friends he used to climb with, that kind of thing.

Saying that men don't bother with women who they don't fancy is one of the more ludicrous things I've read on MN for a while.

If you only have experience of arsehole men with no basic decency or moral compass, then I'm genuinely sorry, but obviously, not all men conform to your worldview.

I asked him what he'd gained from it and was he seeing her again....I got no answer.

I don't think this is the response of an entirely innocent man, I'm sorry. Best case scenario here, he got nostalgic for an old flame who "got away".

I think you need to find a time to have a serious chat with him:

• How does he know this woman?
• Why did he never mention her before?
• Why did he message her after all this time?
• Does he understand why you are upset?
• What are his plans to take this further?
• Why is he suddenly on his phone the whole time and being cagey about it?

Trusting your partner/husband to go out and meet a female friend isn’t being “cool”. It’s being a grown up. Jealousy kills relationships.

I think it really depends on the type of person you are. My husband has lots of female friends, always has. Even at school. He's a very platonic type of person. The biggest danger our relationship could fall into is that we fell into the habit of being friends rather than lovers.

Me, on the other hand: I've never had male friends. I'm a flirty, sexual type of person. I just don't really have platonic friendships with men. The ones in the past I thought were my friends, we usually ended up having a thing.

People are different.

Yes, I agree with this. Men behave very differently from women when it comes to 'old friends' 🙄

Years ago I caught my partner acting very strangely, being very secretive etc. He told me he was arranging a surprise for me. He bought me some random gift to keep up the pretence of said surprise but he was cheating….

I’m thinking exactly the same
I’m sure I’d be bored with spending all my spare time with just 1 person!

This doesn’t sound good at all tbh….so sorry OP

Sounds a bit secretive and odd to me, and I’m definitely a ‘cool wife’ by MN standards as my husband goes out running followed by coffee with another woman - that I don’t know! But I have many male friends that he doesn’t know (through my work) and he cares not a jot if I meet one for an evening drink or a coffee.

Remembering a number from years ago sounds implausible.

He can’t see it from your point of view?! Gaslighting…..

I don’t have an issue with meeting up with old friends of the opposite sex. In my profession nearly everyone is male so I only have a few female friends. So I wouldn’t automatically see this as a red flag.

However !

I would be concerned if my dh was protective of texts to ‘ just an old friend’…
Why the secrecy.

Why did he never speak of her before, that’s weird if you’ve just hooked up with someone you haven’t seen in a long time. Most people would be ‘ wow I’ve just found soanso on random website. Look what they’re doing now etc etc.’.

So yes
Like you OP I’d be peeved and a bit suspicious and that’s not me at all.

Have you got her name?
Look her up on Facebook.
I bet she has a kid who’s 20 years old…

I just discussed this with my DH and he said ‘no one drives 50 miles for a coffee with someone they haven’t seen in 20 years. That’s an hour and half each way. You only drive that distance if you’re heading to bang town.’

Omg!!!!!!!

DH could probably remember a number from 20 years ago. I’d be like “er why did you ring it” if someone is so important to you then you don’t lose contact in the first place.

This is really not ok.

Nope. He's driven 100 mile round trip for a coffee and he's gaslighting you and being cagey with his phone. Nope!

These men are fucking awful.