My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

I agree with this. Or if in fact it’s an ‘old friend’ then it’s one I’d like to hook up with.

Either way to drive 50 miles to meet a women he’s never mentioned before just feels a bit suss imo

This might not be a popular response, but the fact he told you before meeting her kind of makes me think it's less of a secret liaison and more a genuine reconnection with an old friend. Also as a side note, I might be ancient, but I remember phone numbers, it was part of growing up in the 70s and 80s as a kid. I remembered my aunt's number a few months ago and I don't think I'd rung it for 12 years.

Smile and suggest he invites her for a meal with the family. It’s good to keep in touch with old friends, and would be nice for you and your son to meet her.

Exactly! A marriage is a relationship of trust and intimacy and for it to be functional everyone in it has to work towards building and maintaining trust. Sure we mess up from time to time, but I don’t buy that someone committed to their marriage would hide messages that would rebuild trust out of some defensive principle of ‘data privacy’. Well you know what, the interests of the marriage now override the right to privacy so your move dickhead.

Could be a good idea

Mammoth driving event! It’s 50 miles to the nearest city or big town for a lot of people in the UK!

@Katbum you just made me laugh out loud with "...your move dickhead" 😆Only my OH in my life uses that word & it never fails to make me laugh

*sorry for the interruption OP

I wonder do women who happily meet up on their own with another womans husband not consider his wife might be alone at home with kids while they're having a jolly. A man who would happily do this is also inconsiderate of his wifes feelings. A relationship with the opposite sex when married doesn't have to involve sex. Its still an extra marital relationship concealed under an 'only friends' umbrella. All very unfair to spouses left at home during the liaison.

I've come to realise that there are people in this..just general run of the mill people..that have no shame or guilt, that just don't care about other people.

They have affairs because they want to, and because the opportunity is there.

They can show no other signs of poor behaviour or lack of morals, just this complete absence of any guilt over cheating on their partner or family.

All very weird.

It's the change in behaviour, the sudden 'mentionitis' has started, the deviation from the norm, the refusal to engage with you on any of it.

Sounds like his head has been turned by 'what could have been' if he saw/heard from her recently...

Well you know what, the interests of the marriage now override the right to privacy so your move dickhead.

ABSOLUTELY THIS!!!! CHOOSE ONE OR THE OTHER..... we women let men get away with far too much.

The phone number thing is the oddest thing about this.
Also if he wanted to have an affair/fling, why wouldn't he say he was meeting up with a male friend.
Definitely not a cool wife here. DH has female friends, some he's known for years, some he knows through a hobby.
We live close to the area he grew up so sometimes he meets or bumps into old friends. If they are male I don't mind, if they are female I don't like it.
But I mostly keep my mouth shut, It's doubtful there's nothing untoward because he's open about it. And I think by acting jealous it wouldn't help.
I think if he was going to have an affair then the person wouldn't even be mentioned.

So what are you going to do now OP?

Does he sleep deeply? Could you put his phone to his finger while he’s asleep? 😆

This would gnaw away at me. He may be completely innocent but he’s not included you in any of his decision making.

Are you still speaking?

Also the argument of “you should trust me” goes both ways.

If he’s got nothing to hide he should open his phone. Typical bloody bloke, so damned secretive.

@BirdieMK3 This does not sound good.
The phone being “Stuck” to him if previously he was free and easy with it, leaving it lying around.

Phones are the main way partners cheat.

So often once child/ ren come on the scene, intimacy and excitement around sex goes out of the window-and it’s all too easy for new and exciting contacts to be made.

I’d ask him outright, but be prepared for a lie.
It sounds very suss.

What do you know about this woman? Is she married?

When I was with my exh, an ‘old friend’ (woman) contacted him to ask him to go for a run with him. I thought, hmm not keen on that but I won’t say anything at the moment and see what happens. Turns out she had just split up from her husband. I think he knew she was angling as he never met up with her again out of respect for me. (We did split up over unrelated reasons but your situation reminded me of this.) I don’t think there are many situations where someone contacts an old friend out of the blue without a motive.

Why does he have a pin? I would be inclined to say give me your phone now or leave, if hes got nothing to hide he will give you his phone, he wont of course give you his phone as he is lying, or sign yourself up to a dating site and see how he likes it and tell him you are off on a date, he wouldnt have driven 50 miles to see an old male friend so why her? Unless they had a thing years ago and shes now divorced and tracked him down, but weird as hes not on social media so how would she find him,

@BirdieMK3 do you know the woman's name or social media profile?

If he categorically wont tell you, i'd have no qualms in messaging the woman noting my stance.

"Hi, I'm **'s partner of 20 years.
He told me you knew him from his youth and you recently had dinner as friends.
Is this your understanding of the situation?
I'd hate for there to be crossed wires and I'm going to speak to him about this to. "

Almost a "woman to woman" thing. If she replies and its all friendly - great. if she messages him to pre-warn him, then alarm bells.

Generally, I've found other women are happy to discuss this with you if there are no issues or ulterior motives. But its your move and is likely to cause conflict..... however my basis of this is that if he won't say, I will get the answers I need from whoever will give it to me :)

Ball is in your court. Are you happy for your husband to be going out for meals with other women who you don't know and who he hasn't mentioned before?

You are entitled to know who your husband is spending time with and why out of common courtesy. If he doesn't want to tell you - you have to decide if you're happy to just say "Oh ok, have a nice time doing this whenever you want". if you're not happy with that, then say something. There's no right or wrong but i know what i would do.

The problem for some is that for some, they wake up one day, 40-something and think “is this it?”

And then have a mid life crisis.

Sounds like he’s looking for adventure. Maybe you need to suggest a sky dive or something to put some pizazz back into your relationship?

So? Not every couple feels that way, just like you feel differently to the OP.

It's a massive red flag. My ex-husband did this. They had been chatting through LinkedIn. They are now a couple.

Yuck. Its not the OP's responsibility to do that alone.

The husband could say "I'm feeling a bit lonely/unloved/bored/old and need something to spark my attention" instead of the energy expenditure on other women.

Stop making excuses for men to look elsewhere - its gross and infantilising.

But hey what do I know as a lowly female.

Someone I know whom I thought was 100 percent faithful ~ Two children- became entangled with someone else because of the exciting sex- they know two families have been adversely affect, and children devastated, but the power of sex is so enticing.

I would worry about the sudden change of behaviour. Even if his version of events is true, he's acting out of character and is making a lot of effort to meet someone you didn't know existed, and being secretive.

@MintTraybake it was tongue in cheek but also realistic portrayal of what happens if we get too comfy.

I think it’s too late for sky dives to be honest but alarm bells rang when OP said it’s just us. Doesn’t sound like there’s much else in their lives except for each other. Not everyone wants that.

I still think he’s a horrible man for doing this. He’s exploring other options from the safety of a secure relationship. Hedging his bets…

Why on EARTH would you invite this man, into the inner sanctum of your marriage? You have no need to catch up with Exes that "used to give you butterflies". You were playing with fire, and for what? To see if there was still a spark?

Not one of my Exes would get a foot over the threshold of this house, that is mine and my husbands home. I have far too much respect and love for my DH, and zero desire to see what any Exes have been up to? Who gives a shit? I respect my marriage far too much for this nonsense.