My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

I'm afraid I'm with the 'this doesn't sound good' team.

Like most couples, my DH and I talk about what's going on in our lives, so if he came in and said he was meeting an old friend for lunch I would have expected to know about this old friend before lunch was arranged. If I then found out this was an old female friend my Spidey senses would be tingling, nae, throbbing.

Unfortunately OP I think your husband has something to hide 💐

I'm so sorry ❤️

Dodgy as fuck. But yeah 'cool'.

I'm the sort of person who would be considered a "cool wife" on here. I would have no issue with a partner spending a day with a female friend, going on holiday with one, going out for a nice dinner etc. And wouldn't blink twice about them driving 50 miles for a long lunch with an old mate who I hadn't met - female or male. I'm not someone who gets jealous easily and I'd turn a blind eye to a bit of flirting etc if it was done in fun and not affecting our relationship.

But, I would feel very, very uncomfortable if I was in your scenario. I wouldn't like that their name had never been mentioned before. Surely you come home and say "amazing - xxxx texted me today - 20 years that must be!" I wouldn't like that your husband was the instigator. I wouldn't like the remembered number/still same number from 20 years coincidence. I would be suprised that he hadn't invited me or his son. And I especially wouldn't like that he won't show you the messages and is actively preventing you from seeing them.

In your position I would assume that either he's having an affair or hes trying to.

I keep in touch with an ex that I had a very powerful (albeit teenage to early twenties) relationship with. My partner gets on just as well if not better with him than I do now. We all meet up at least once a year.

I used to work beside a woman who said conversated. She had also been on some SNP ‘Say Yes to independence’ march and ‘all you could was the Scottish Satire everywhere’ what with that and her husband having an autopsy for ‘that thing on his leg…..’

Not everywhere. My hometown hasn’t changed area codes for over 35 years.

Meting up with an old friend is one thing - suddenly remembering her number out the blue, going despite you being upset about it, refusing to show you the messages to reassure you and not telling you if he's seeing her again is another thing.

@Trytobeoptimistic indeed- those of us who aren't quite as trusting , it's very often through the benefit of our lived experience- and often by very trustworthy guys on the surface. I've yet to meet a guy who goes massively out his way unless it's a really genuine old friend who had been mentioned a fair bit over the years. Call me a cynic- but that's my experience- others of course may have experienced otherwise. I doubt someone would have memory of a number too of someone who had never even been mentioned. It's either a very old GF he put feelers out on (and hence already had the number) or a new 'friend'

This is all so sad as it sounds suspicious but even if it isn't, the issue then is he isn't answering your questions and he isn't reassuring you. I'm only on page three so I know things might have moved on.

The only number I can remember from years ago is the one belonging to my first love. I last rang it in 1989. But yes, he's very important and if he called I'd absolutely go and see him for lunch. Any other ex, no.

Things that relate to important people are remembered easily.

Nope, I'd be demanding to see his phone at this point.

A friend from 20 years who he never mentioned but remembers her number when questioned how he contacted her... Utter rubbish. He must think you're a fool OP to believe and accept such tripe.

Marvellous! As a spectacular Star Trek nerd, I don't think I've ever been called "cool" by anyone before!

But I honestly don't see what's to be looked down on about a couple who trust each other and respect each others privacy. Me and DP share almost everything, but that doesn't mean there isn't stuff on my phone that isn't hugely private. I'm currently supporting my best friend through a horrible divorce, and I know that there's stuff in that convo that my friend wouldn't want DP to know. Or there's emails about a birthday surprise that I don't want to see. Or the fact that despite my better judgment. And I'd definitely rather she didn't open my ebook app and find the nearly 200 Star Trek books I've read. That would probably be a real relationship killer.

About 3 years ago I had to fuck off across the country to deal with something to do with my Mums estate after she died. It was to do with a part of my Mums life that she found massively embarrassing, and she begged me before she died that I not tell DP about it, because she was worried DP would think less of her. So I didn't. I told DP I was going away for a couple of days, where I was staying, and that it was to do with Mum. DP just asked me if there was anything she could do to help, and let me go, because over more than a decade I'd proved to her that she could trust me. If that's "cool", then so be it.

@Wildhorses2244, thank you for your post. I am a man and miss socialising with women and having women friends. Were a man to ban his wife from having male friends, we would see it as insecure to the point of abusive or controlling. It is different that other way, but I do no like the dismissive way it is referred to.

But this situation does seem incredibly dodgy from start to end.

YABU if you ask me.

If I wanted to meet with someone I used to know 20 years ago and my partner demanded I didn't go because they were jealous., I would ignore them as well.

Thank you, you've pretty much described how I feel. I've never stopped him doing anything, I wouldn't. He used to be a racing driver, racing all over the country, he'd he away most weekends, I never battered an eyelid. This is just so sudden and abrupt, its the secrecy and lack of explanation which have hurt me the most.

Rubbish. I'm sorry op. I'm not a cool wife but a realiistic one. I recently had to stop my dh meeting up with someone he'd had a long relationship with a long time ago and was curious about. She is newly single. He has plenty of female friends which I'm fine about.. but this wasn't a friend. Why the fuck should you (and I) have to wait around worrying if there's still a spark or not?!

@BirdieMK3 I have been in a similar position and I was lied to. Hence why I am a cynic- my H too has glamorous(ish) job and I was always very trusting indeed- until I wasn't

The "wrongness" is that it isn't a nice feeling for a husband to be so secretive, screams of "breach of data privacy" to his wife when she wants to understand the situation, to be drip fed vague and ambiguous fob offs.

his priority ought to be ensuring his wife doesn't feel marginalised by his actions, instead he's deliberately and purposefully excluding her. Whether it's an affair or not is somewhat tangential, his behaviour is shite.

Hmmm. Your spidey senses have switched on, ignoring your gut is never a good idea it doesn’t make any sense he would keep this from you if you have an open communication in general (’you’ll never guess what, this girl I knew in secondary school and I had a lovey chat the other day…’) - and it is sketchy to drive miles for a random catch up with a person you’ve not seen for 20 years and never mentioned. No one on here can put your mind and rest, the only person who can do that is your OH and in the circumstances the fact he won’t even agree to show you the texts is also sketchy. Why not? If you are generally not a jealous person, he should want to allay your fears. Serious chat time, I think OP.

if you’re married, putting yourself in a situation where you might be escalating intimacy with someone else is disloyal - especially if it is done in secrecy and excluding your spouse from the details that would reassure them they are still your priority.

It's the sudden change in behaviour that's the issue. Always a red flag.
@LondonFox has it spot on, pointing out that you have to look at what's normal for this particular relationship. OP's husband is not acting in the way he normally does.

OP is married 20 years with 10y old child.
No one ends relationship like that easily.

Trust is gained.
It can be broken.
It can be rebuilt.
Her partner fucked up and it is reasonable to expect him to work on geting trust back.
Unless he is keen on divorce, surelly showing couple of innocent messages to rebuild trust is not an issue?

It looks like the vast majority of posters wouldn't like this OP & rightly so. I can't imagine meeting another man for basically a 'date' without DH being there. The idea of me saying to DH I'm off out to meet Tom for dinner & drinks or DH saying to me I'm off out to meet Lisa for dinner & drinks is never something either of us would tolerate. It's totally dismissive & disrespectful to the respective spouses.

The more I think on this, the weirder it is. How would anyone really feel if after 20 years an old friend rang you out of the blue saying they ‘remembered your number’?! I would find it very odd and certainly not then want to go and meet the person for lunch 50 miles away. And then not to mention any of it to you OP. No. Something is off here. Most normal people want to maintain their spouses’ trust and do anything to preserve it. Not put lunch with some decades old friend before your actual marriage and your partner’s security within it!

Agree with this.

I think the 'old friend' story could possibly be a fabrication to cover-up a hook-up with someone he's only recently met.

You're right. Men can have female friends and women can have male ftriends. No harm implied. These friends are important and we tell our partners because it's nice to do so and there's no reason not to.

However, the hubby failed to mention her until he was going to drive 50 miles to meet her. His absence would have bern noted. Only the day before this mammoth driving event did he mention that they'd been messaging and that he'd gone looking for her. OP is entitled to the full story.