My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

You should trust him, and it is a breach of privacy.

I'd have no problem with DP doing this, because I trust her. If I didn't, I wouldn't be in a relationship with her.

I think you need to ask yourself OP why your first instinct is affair?

I am surprised by number of people here playing dumb like they don't understand that every relationship is based on agreed rules.
-Some couples don't go alone with friends of opposite sex on drinks, lunches and dates.
-Some couples go traveling alone with friends of opposite sex.
-And some couples have open relationships.
All of that is ok as long as both agree on terms and conditions.
And OPs husban obviously broke these terms and disregarded her feelings about it.
That IS a red flag.

He can grow in a relationship but not on expense of his partner. And there are shitton of ways you can make your social circle more versitile (nee hobby, friends of same sex, couples meetups). Going 50miles to rekindle with old flame and putting your partner through hell is not one of them.

OP, get your finances sorted and in a place he cannot access, check what are your housing/mortgage options regard your home and put your and sons documets at your parents.
Finally, I cannot stress this enough, open Tinder and let your idiotic husband know you are lookinv for new friends.
Obviously you will not cheat, you are just looking for friendship as you realized both of you can make more friends.

Surely because this is such a change in his behaviour? It is not normal for their relationship and he hasn't given a rational explanation.
If OP is so upset and worried and this is something innocent he should be happy to set her mind at rest by showing her the messages.

Nah, sod that. Noone has a right to see my private communications with someone else, not even my DP.

OP does his phone have a security pin or fingerprint on it? I'm guessing so.
Now you've asked to look and expressed your doubts and he's refused, he's probably deleted them anyway. 😔

I can understand your feelings completely. It all sounds very dodgy.

I'd also like to point out as he's never mentioned this "friend" before that you've no actual sure way to know if she actually IS an old friend. She could be a brand new one for all you know. 🙄

Yes your social circle does sound very small but I'm assuming previously you've both been happy with that. If he decided he wasn't he should have an adult conversation with you about it. Not do what he's doing.

The thing he's doing. Men do this to women whatever the size of their social circle btw. It's irrelevant to how you're feeling now.

Also, are you sure he's still not on social media. Because he could now be. It sounds like your previous views on what he wants and how he behaves may need revising and re calibrating.

‘he wouldn’t have told you’

yes he bloody would have incase one of OP’s friends/family saw him with another woman, he’s already got a reply hasn’t he? ‘oh it was my friend from 20 years ago i’ve never mentioned!’

OP has not gone off the handle either?

you seem crazily naïve, are you 14?

You would be singing differents song if your partner starts meeting up with random blokes and not providing any info.
I bet it would within a minute go from:
"MY texts are private"
to
"Surelly you can share YOUR phone if you have nothing to hide".
People do switch tune when they are on the receiving end of shit.

No, I wouldn't. If it got the stage where I didn't trust my DP, I'd end the relationship. What is the point of it without trust?

Well your privacy obviously trumps the peace of mind of your partner.
Other people would care more about the happiness of their partner.If they have nothing to hide.

@BirdieMK3 I wouldn't be ok with it- not so much the meeting an old friend but the fact he doesn't want to show you the texts. If I was your H I would want to put your mind at rest, especially if it's out the blue and out off character. I'm afraid I don't think it is an old friend either - I think you are being played.

I've had a couple of ex's in touch over recent years.. all married all reached out shamelessly looking for fun (initially a friendly hello message). 20 years is a long time - smacks of a mid-life crisis in the making wanting to rekindle with a past GF. Probably spent his holiday messaging her unbeknown to you of course. Sorry, his intentions are not good.

What a weird way to interpret what I said.

Her own if he lies to her in future about a perfectly innocent lunch or anything else that he shouldn't have to lie about because her reactions are OTT.

I don't know, my phone is open, it always has been....he has a pin, I have no idea what it is. His phone is stuck to him of late do there's no way I can get hold of it. Its not what he's done it's how he's done it.

I'm 40, I just don't live in Emmerdale (or any other village where there's only 1 place to eat and lots of drama), and my partner and I both have multiple friends. Weird concept I know.

I've been out many times with male friends and exes and no one has ever seen us. We don't have anything to hide so I wouldn't lie about it, but neither do I expect to be seen. Same as the OP's partner.

If I did expect to be seen and I was doing something shady I'd go to a totally different location where I expected to have sex, like a remote hotel, or the other person's house. I wouldn't bother with going somewhere for lunch, the food wouldn't get finished for a start 😂

100% agreed.

So many "Pick me's". Ick.

If my partner was meeting up with another woman, after 20 years, I'd be thinking it was to see if the spark was still there.

You can reminisce without putting yourself in the position to be unfaithful. If people were honest, they would realise this rather than thinking they can just get away with "testing the water".

Yuck OP, sorry he's been a douche. Its more the disrespect when you said you weren't comfortable that gave me the ick.

If you tell him how its made you feel and he won't put your mind at rest and show you the messages - he is showing their meeting a lot more respect than your relationship. There is no need to risk a healthy relationship with "pride" or whatever else he blames not showing you the messages on.

Does this mean his behaviour with his phone has also changed?
Is keeping it with him all the time and pin protected a recent thing?

Of course it does! We're a couple, not some amorphous blob that has to share every waking thought, communication and action with each other.

Somehow despite this we've managed to get through the last 20 years by trusting that the other person won't do anything to hurt us. Either my DP trusts me, or she doesn't. If she doesn't trust me, then I'd rather she end the relationship.

Ditto. I’ve had old school friends reach out to me on SM wanting to meet up after 20+ years and all after a bit of ‘fun’ - so on the OP’s shoes my spidey senses would definitely be in high alert.

I’ve got a lot of male friends who’ve never behaved like this - the friendship boundaries have always been respected so it’s definitely not all men who only have female friends they want sex with but these are friends I’ve had for years not random ‘remember me’ types

I never said anything about an affair..

I had a similar situation raise its head. I wanted to see the guy who used to give me such butterflies but wanted to respect my marriage. So he came over for dinner with my husband and me for our catch up (I was honest with my husband there had been history a long time ago, I'd be interested to see him again platonically to catch up, and led with I wouldn't see him if he was uncomfortable about it). After dinner my husband popped out for a pint so we could catch up just the two of us in the front room (kids asleep upstairs).

We didn't meet up again, he sends me a yearly happy birthday message. It was nice to see him, feelings were reassuringly mostly gone besides the muscle memory of how crazy I was for him before. I think putting the catch up right in the middle of my family situation was ultimately the best way, our conversation or actions never strayed anywhere risky even once. My husbands informed agreement was such a wonderful testament to his love and trust that I knew I'd never abuse it.

I'm a firm believer that in a good marriage nothing should be a straight no besides physical or emotional infidelity, but respecting your marriage and the feelings of your spouse should come first, from both sides.

Then what is the issue? What exactly do you think he's doing wrong?

This is worrying. He is up to something and is covering it. Start getting your ducks in a row. Why do men do this, it is just so crap of them.

I'd never heard of the term " cool wives" until I started reading Mumsnet.
Reading your post the term that springs to mind is " cool couple".
What Mumsnet has taught me is that trust can be, and is, often abused and taken advantage of.

conversated

????? what's this new 'word'? Conversed or had a conversation are correct.

Sounds like he's having an affair in plain sight!