Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting over DH lying

128 replies

Hateliars34 · 22/04/2024 05:54

I hate lies. I know everyone lies, but my strong opinion is there should be no lies in a relationship except for maybe white lies to protect each other's feelings.

This Sunday our house was a big mess. I said to DH we should take the kids out for a big walk to spend time as a family and he said we should go, and he would stay home and clean/tidy. We find it really difficult to get much cleaning/tidying done with the kids as they just cause a constant mess, so I thought it was a good idea which would save time during the week.

So I took them shopping with me in the morning for 1.5 hours. Not much done when we got back, just a few dishes done and few things tidied away from the dining area. Fair enough, DH was probably waiting for our big walk.

After lunch, I took them out for nearly 4 hours. When we got home, the dishes had been done, dishwasher emptied, toys and random things had been put away and apparently some clothes in the kids' bedroom were put away. No hoovering, cleaning of surfaces, floors or any of the baby's bibs had been done. Upstairs/bathrooms/corridors were untouched. DH didn't even need to make dinner as we eating leftovers, which I prepared for everyone when we got home.

So I asked him "You didn't really do much tidying/cleaning today, did you?"

He immediately got defensive and said he'd done it all the time we were gone. I asked a few more times, he'd had 5.5 hrs so how could it be? He got annoyed with me and said he'd watched only 20 minutes of football and been tidying non stop for the rest of the time and that it takes much longer than I think. Now I started thinking am I crazy, that would surely take me no more than 1 hr, maybe 1.5 if I was going on my phone every 5 minutes. I told him I hate lying, and he insisted he wasn't lying. I again started wondering if my memory is awful or something, until he admitted that he had lied and had had a rest in bed while we were gone.

Now I'm awake after breastfeeding the baby wondering what else and how often he lies to me. He only seems to admit to lying when I really press about something - eg. If food has disappeared and I ask if he's eaten it, a few times he admitted to lying about it.

He says I'm completely overreacting and that this was an inconsequential lie. But my problem is that lies like this make me inwardly question my reasoning.

Trust is also very important to me, and I'm quite black and white about stuff like this. I'm not really capable of lying like this at all... I just can't do it, and I feel now how can I trust someone who can lie to me with a straight face like that?

Sorry for rambling. Do I need to accept inconsequential lies are normal and okay in a relationship? Or am I right that lying as in the above example is quite problematic and it's not overreacting to feel you can't trust your partner?

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 22/04/2024 06:03

It is definitely problematic and not something you can really change as it’s part of someone’s character. Sorry you are in this position 😟

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 22/04/2024 06:11

That's not nice as the tidying still needs doing so likelihood is you will have to do it. He's basically put his needs above you and the kids. He could have done a decent clean in a couple of hours and still had time for a rest.

Some people instinctively lie when put on the spot/feel like they will get in to trouble. I remember doing it as a kid and probably into my twenties but at some point I realised it's better to own your mistakes. Your husband hasn't. I would sit down and explain that lying is a deal breaker for you and you expect him to be honest going forward.

And next time he suggests he stays home and cleans remind him of the poor job he did last time and tell him you will stay home instead!

Heartoverhead1 · 22/04/2024 06:15

He sat and watched the big football game didn't he?

Tlolljs · 22/04/2024 06:20

In 5.5 hours the house should have been spotless, and he did volunteer after all. He’s been watching the football all day and suggested you take the kids out so he could watch it in peace.
He’s just been caught. Like you I’d rather he just said what the plan was in the first place.

ZekeZeke · 22/04/2024 06:22

He plonked his arse down and watched the game in peace

Original poster
Hateliars34 · 22/04/2024 06:41

Thank you for your thoughts. It's not the lack of tidying I'm upset about. If he'd just said no, I got distracted and watched the football/lost track of time/sorry you go rest now and I'll tidy when the kids are asleep, I would have been annoyed but moved on.

It's the lying when asked that I'm really upset about, because it made me question my own reasoning and also now I feel like I can never trust him. This type of lying when confronted has happened a few times before, and last time he told me he understood how upsetting I found it and wouldn't do it again.

I wonder if it's actually very common and he's only been caught a few times.

And I'm also quite upset he thinks I'm completely overreacting now.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 22/04/2024 06:49

He says I'm completely overreacting and that this was an inconsequential lie. But my problem is that lies like this make me inwardly question my reason

I do think you're overreacting to be honest. He tidied everything away which was the issue. I wouldn't have done four hours+ of cleaning in that situation. You were doing something with an element of duty (entertaining the kids) plus as an element of enjoyment (presumably). He did some dutiful stuff and some enjoyable stuff. It was the weekend, he's not a cleaner (not saying you are, I'd get one in if poss not spending a big chunk on w/e doing it).

He fibbed to keep things nice (again it's the w/e) and not have this big deal about it but now it's this bigger deal and all about lies and fundamental trust in the marriage when he just didn't want to clean for 4 hours. I'm not saying he's husband of the year, or up to your standards of dutiful cleaning, but I don't think it's worth escalating to the soul searching level. Just be more realistic next time and if he wants to watch the football, figure out what's a fair exchange chores and childcare wise, then he won't have to pretend to be better than he is and you can both be yourselves.

PurpleBugz · 22/04/2024 06:59

It's that twisting it back onto you saying you don't know how long it takes. That's the big red flag. Gaslighting. Not only does he feel it's acceptable to let you parent all the kids while he chills and doesn't do the cleaning that now will need to be done another time but he thinks it's ok to gaslight you over it. Horrible character trait that

DoreenonTill8 · 22/04/2024 07:04

pinkdelight · 22/04/2024 06:49

He says I'm completely overreacting and that this was an inconsequential lie. But my problem is that lies like this make me inwardly question my reason

I do think you're overreacting to be honest. He tidied everything away which was the issue. I wouldn't have done four hours+ of cleaning in that situation. You were doing something with an element of duty (entertaining the kids) plus as an element of enjoyment (presumably). He did some dutiful stuff and some enjoyable stuff. It was the weekend, he's not a cleaner (not saying you are, I'd get one in if poss not spending a big chunk on w/e doing it).

He fibbed to keep things nice (again it's the w/e) and not have this big deal about it but now it's this bigger deal and all about lies and fundamental trust in the marriage when he just didn't want to clean for 4 hours. I'm not saying he's husband of the year, or up to your standards of dutiful cleaning, but I don't think it's worth escalating to the soul searching level. Just be more realistic next time and if he wants to watch the football, figure out what's a fair exchange chores and childcare wise, then he won't have to pretend to be better than he is and you can both be yourselves.

This
The level of naval gazing you're doing is too intense. This would be a white lie to me.

DoreenonTill8 · 22/04/2024 07:06

It this level of interrogation *So I asked him "You didn't really do much tidying/cleaning today, did you?"

He immediately got defensive and said he'd done it all the time we were gone. I asked a few more times, he'd had 5.5 hrs so how could it be? *

Farahfawsett · 22/04/2024 07:12

So he sent you out of the house with all the kids (including a breastfeeding baby) on your own, for a total of 5.5 hours on a Sunday, so he could watch some football, have a nap and wash a few dishes.

Well next weekend, he can take the kids out all day and you can go to bed.

He wanted to do his own thing, child free and obligation free and then get some kind of kudos for a minimal amount of cleaning, so he lied to get his own way, what an arse.

AGlinnerOfHope · 22/04/2024 07:16

Having grown up in a home where we were bullied relentlessly, and it wasn’t safe to admit mistakes, the way you pushed for answers to what he’d done all day would have made me feel defensive and I’d have needed to lie. It’s self preservation.

You have ended up in a situation where you are the boss and he is an employee needing to justify himself.

You need a reset of the dynamic so he can take responsibility for what he does and doesn’t do.

I know from your perspective he should own his mistakes and tell the truth and apologise, but that’s hard when your brain is trained to think it’s a survival issue.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/04/2024 07:20

Farahfawsett · 22/04/2024 07:12

So he sent you out of the house with all the kids (including a breastfeeding baby) on your own, for a total of 5.5 hours on a Sunday, so he could watch some football, have a nap and wash a few dishes.

Well next weekend, he can take the kids out all day and you can go to bed.

He wanted to do his own thing, child free and obligation free and then get some kind of kudos for a minimal amount of cleaning, so he lied to get his own way, what an arse.

No she decided she wanted to go on a big walk and expected him to do those things.

toweldrama · 22/04/2024 07:24

He probably thought "I'll clean after the game" and then the game went on to extra time and penalties and ended up taking way longer and he ran out of time. I'd be pissed off, he's decided his time is more important than yours, and he's lied about it.

Original poster
Hateliars34 · 22/04/2024 07:24

Thank you for the latest posts giving me more perspective. I accept I'm overreacting. The comments that agreed with me focused more on chore split and DH has said next weekend he can take out the kids and leave me to rest for a few hours, so that's fair.

I just really don't like lying but as someone suggested maybe it's a personality trait that he does when he's on the spot, and I admit I do act like the boss so going by what the last poster said it's possible the situation was like that (with that said, I am in charge of so many more things than DH and I don't like being the boss, but I'm good at life admin and he doesn't realize half the things that need to be organized so we ended up like that, but that's an issue for a different thread!)

Thank you all for your perspectives!!

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 22/04/2024 07:27

And I'm also quite upset he thinks I'm completely overreacting now.

He doesn't actually think that, he's just trying to dismiss you. This combined with the lying is all a way of avoiding responsibility and consequences.

I'm quite black and white about lying, I don't get it (unless, like you say, a white lie normally about someone's opinion, to save someone's feelings - 'does my bum look big in this' kind of thing).

If you make a decision to do or not do something, and feel you have to lie about it, that's usually an indicator that you know you're making the wrong decision. So either own your decision and don't lie, or do the right fucking thing.

ringoffiire · 22/04/2024 07:39

You do need to have a look at this boss/employee dynamic you have going on, I think, as that's probably the main issue.

Do you think he'd be up for couple's therapy? It might seem like a small issue right now, but you could 'nip it in the bud' before it spirals by talking through what's actually going on for you both in a safe setting. Couple's therapy isn't only for divorces and breakups. It can be really helpful for things like this.

For what it's worth OP, I also cannot stand lies. I was traumatised by being lied to and gaslit in a previous relationship and my DH knows how much I hate lying, even a seemingly small lie like your example. You're not being unreasonable. If my DH did this I would start to question everything too.

I don't think lying to each other's faces has any place in a strong relationship, other than perhaps the small white lies to save feelings.

checkedshirts · 22/04/2024 08:09

Tbf the football was very intense yesterday 😉

Peakfreens · 22/04/2024 09:28

He pulled a blinder, got you all out the house for the day while he rested and moved deck chairs on the titanic. I suggest you no longer take his advice on outings.

LightSpeeds · 22/04/2024 09:33

"Sorry for rambling. Do I need to accept inconsequential lies are normal and okay in a relationship? Or am I right that lying as in the above example is quite problematic and it's not overreacting to feel you can't trust your partner?"

Well, you need to accept that lies are normal in YOUR relationship. So, if you want honesty then, no, you can't trust him with that.

But the big and more difficult question is what you can do about it.

GingerPirate · 22/04/2024 09:56

Another football twat.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 22/04/2024 21:22

I don't think the lack of tidying is the issue. The manipulation and gaslighting is more of a concern imo.

rwalker · 22/04/2024 21:36

I couldn’t cope with some going on about lying constantly if it was about something so trivial as eating something out of the fridge

sometimes I will lie for an easy life as it’s the path of least resistance

AutumnFroglets · 22/04/2024 21:50

He won't suddenly stop lying, or see the error of his ways, especially now that he's got away with it yet again. So what do you want to do?

Continue as you are, getting more distrustful, resentful and gaslit over the years OR
Get relationship counselling so you can both communicate better (hopefully) OR
Decide it's time to consider parting so you don't become angry and resentful living with a bullshitting, lazy, selfish liar which creates a toxic atmosphere for your children, who will also be learning that telling lies is the best way to get out of doing things. Those are your only choices.

Grah · 24/04/2024 06:09

I think you are over reacting. Your husband is being human, a stupid lazy human but human. Have you ever thought about being tested for ASD, your reaction to this reminds me of some of the kids I teach with autism.

Swipe left for the next trending thread