Am I overreacting over DH lying

[Hateliars34]

I hate lies. I know everyone lies, but my strong opinion is there should be no lies in a relationship except for maybe white lies to protect each other's feelings.

This Sunday our house was a big mess. I said to DH we should take the kids out for a big walk to spend time as a family and he said we should go, and he would stay home and clean/tidy. We find it really difficult to get much cleaning/tidying done with the kids as they just cause a constant mess, so I thought it was a good idea which would save time during the week.

So I took them shopping with me in the morning for 1.5 hours. Not much done when we got back, just a few dishes done and few things tidied away from the dining area. Fair enough, DH was probably waiting for our big walk.

After lunch, I took them out for nearly 4 hours. When we got home, the dishes had been done, dishwasher emptied, toys and random things had been put away and apparently some clothes in the kids' bedroom were put away. No hoovering, cleaning of surfaces, floors or any of the baby's bibs had been done. Upstairs/bathrooms/corridors were untouched. DH didn't even need to make dinner as we eating leftovers, which I prepared for everyone when we got home.

So I asked him "You didn't really do much tidying/cleaning today, did you?"

He immediately got defensive and said he'd done it all the time we were gone. I asked a few more times, he'd had 5.5 hrs so how could it be? He got annoyed with me and said he'd watched only 20 minutes of football and been tidying non stop for the rest of the time and that it takes much longer than I think. Now I started thinking am I crazy, that would surely take me no more than 1 hr, maybe 1.5 if I was going on my phone every 5 minutes. I told him I hate lying, and he insisted he wasn't lying. I again started wondering if my memory is awful or something, until he admitted that he had lied and had had a rest in bed while we were gone.

Now I'm awake after breastfeeding the baby wondering what else and how often he lies to me. He only seems to admit to lying when I really press about something - eg. If food has disappeared and I ask if he's eaten it, a few times he admitted to lying about it.

He says I'm completely overreacting and that this was an inconsequential lie. But my problem is that lies like this make me inwardly question my reasoning.

Trust is also very important to me, and I'm quite black and white about stuff like this. I'm not really capable of lying like this at all... I just can't do it, and I feel now how can I trust someone who can lie to me with a straight face like that?

Sorry for rambling. Do I need to accept inconsequential lies are normal and okay in a relationship? Or am I right that lying as in the above example is quite problematic and it's not overreacting to feel you can't trust your partner?

Any normal person would have buzzed around like a blue-arsed fly to get the housework done first and THEN sat down with a six-pack and a family bag of Doritos. He’s not just a lying twat, he’s a lazy lying twat.

I think it was a totally human incident. I’ve often sent everyone out of the house so I can get things done, got a bit done then had a friend call etc and been a bit disappointed with what I eventually achieved. But I’d be pretty defensive if they all came home and criticised what I had done. 5 and a half hours is a long time to tidy and you must have expected he’d do a bit of something else. Yes, I’d have got more done than him in the time but I’m the main tidy-upper so I’ve got my routines. You could easily fritter that time and only do what he did and still feel you’d made an effort.

Actually I think the husband needs to pay for a cleaner if he won’t do his share. The OP isn’t ‘hysterical’ or any other misogynistic term of abuse you may choose to use. She was manipulated into five and a half hours of lone parenting so that this idle wanker could spend the day on his arse in front of the television. I’d be raging.

Agree with this.

I wonder how many posters have not experienced the devastation that a partner or family members' lies, from the tiny to the large, can have on your quality of life.

And so many people indulge them while ignorant of the impact.

OP, think long and hard about the impact of these lies on your life and what lessons this teaches your DC.

I won't condone the initial lie, or the gas lighting, but he did admit to lying, so presumably DH felt guilty (and apologized?). I obviously don't know what a "big mess" is to you, but it sounds like he at least made some effort and did the basics. You've made your feelings known, so I would leave it now - hope, he's learned from this and will do better/more

100% this. It’s a dangerous character trait that only ever gets worse IME. He sounds as though he behaves like a teenager. Lying about not doing his share of the housework, eating things and then lying about it. I could not be fucked with this at all. Life is far too short.

She is not upset, she is totally freaking overboard obsessed by it. Read her comments again. She needs help or there is something more wrong with this marriage than just a lazy husband.

I agree it’s overused but in this context it’s not incorrect. It’s not the fact he’s lied about watching the football, it’s the fact he’s turned around and tried to claim she doesn’t know how long it takes to try and deflect blame from his wrongdoing. It’s deceitfully causing her to be questioning her own competence on a basic level so that he wont get found out. The OP will know whether or not she lives in a mansion, the state of the house when she left and the state of it when it comes back. By the sounds of it, she cleans it all the time so will know how long it takes to do a certain task and therefore if he’s not done something. For him to claim she doesn’t really know how long it takes to do the jobs when she does, is designed to make her doubt herself. Triggering self doubt in a person when they are actually reasonably assured of a fact (in this example that he’s not done fuck all in 5 hours) in order to manipulate a situation (her not being reasonably annoyed at him) is Gaslighting. The OP took the child/ren out so that he had the peace and space needed to clean. She didn’t need to go to that hassle if all he was going to do was watch the football. It’s disingenuously taking advantage of a situation that wouldn’t have occurred had the plans not been agreed as so. It’s also misappropriating the OPs time. That is being extremely disrespectful. This is where it stops being a “harmless white lie” and becomes an issue. IMO dishonesty is never harmless and if someone asks you a question, have the decency to be honest and admit you’ve screwed up. It’s not difficult. It places the onus of doubt on if he can respond so unnecessarily poorly to a relatively small situation, how will he respond to a moderately serious problem? The issue with situations like these is that the gaslighting is low level but then once a person figures out they can achieve their goal of manipulating an individual or situation to their advantage they soon work out they can do it on a bigger scale. That’s how abusers work, start small and build until you are even doubting the most basic routine or thing in your life. It makes it extremely easy from that point for a person to convince you that “you’re just being crazy again”. I’m not saying this is definitely the case in the OPs relationship but it’s a definitely warning sign to be aware of.

I had three kids under two, you better believe that when my ex husband took them out for a few hours, the first thing I did was sit down.

5 and a half hours of lone parenting? Jesus, you make it sound like a chore. I love spending time with my kids. If my husband says go out for the day with them, I'm off like a shot and I don't give a shit what he does while I'm out. Your kids are only young once, housework is always there.
This website should be called 'resentbeingamumsnet.com' !!!!! 😂😂

There's nothing on this thread that indicates any concerns about OP having autism.

It's really not appropriate to try to armchair diagnose people you don't know with really no basis at all.

Someone expressing that they are upset about something does not = autism.

It was this

""Trust is also very important to me, and I'm quite black and white about stuff like this. I'm not really capable of lying like this at all... I just can't do it, and I feel now how can I trust someone who can lie to me with a straight face like that?""

As I said she's talking about being 'black and white' and not being capable of lying herself. The way she continually questioned him. Etc etc.
Typical undiagnosed ASD woman.

What on earth are you talking about?

Someone saying that she has a black and white view about one topic doesn't mean that she is autistic.

I am also pretty black and white about how I feel on certain topics. It doesn't mean I am autistic, I just have opinions.

Please stop trying to diagnose people you've never met.

I would cut him some slack if it's a one off but if he often doesn't pull his weight and is lazy then I would be annoyed.

You make sure you swap next weekend and he takes them out and you have a long bath or nap!

Five and a half hours with multiple small children on your own can be incredibly stressful. Keeping just one child occupied and entertained in the toddler years can be challenging enough depending on the mood of the child. Just because your children clearly are little darlings all of the time and you like to portray yourself as super mum to no ones else’s advantage except to make yourself look pretentious, and the OP feel shit; it doesn’t mean the same applies for everyone. There are no prizes for being a martyr in life and no one will think any better of you for it. I’m sorry if that’s not what you intended but that’s how you came across. Being a parent although rewarding isn’t all rainbows and sprinkles all of the time and it’s ridiculous for you to act so flippantly just because the OP is annoyed at being wilfully misled by her husband. She also may be at the end of her tether exhausted and needed a break but needed her house needed cleaning so took the opportunity to agree with her husband that he does it for a change whilst providing him with the peace and space he needed to apply his undivided attention to it. She may go out with them most days and do all sorts with them but be having an off day and needed some help. That will never be a crime in my books. Housework always being there is irrelevant, it’s vitally important with small children that their environment is hygienic and safe without trip hazards because small children can’t navigate them like older children and adults and a lot of what they can get their hands on ends up in their mouths. But please, continue to tell us about how we all hate being a parent just because we don’t all rave about it 100% of the time and will admit the harsh truth where appropriate. There is much more to this than her taking her children out and more to do with the fact her husband has behaved selfishly and dishonestly. Not for the first time it seems either. It saddens me that people will set such an extremely low standard to be treated by.

Edit: Had I already read your nonsense comments to others “typically” diagnosing the OPs “Autism” I wouldn’t have bothered quoting you. Originally I thought you were a bit self unaware but now I realise you’re just in the habit of spouting utter nonsense.

Thanks guys, as I said in my last post we've moved on from this and I've already acknowledged I initially overreacted - we've apologized to each other, etc. I'm pretty sleep deprived as the baby wakes up so many times during the night to breastfeed, so may have been more sensitive due to the tiredness.

The person trying to diagnose me with autism over one sentence I wrote clearly has no knowledge about it, so I would ignore them.

I will leave this thread now as this issue is resolved. If I post another thread about our boss/employee dynamic which we definitely need to work on, I'll link to it here in case any of you want to offer more advice.

Thank you again :)

Ok if you think her behaviour is normal fine. I don't, I think her obsession with this is a huge red flag. She has a lazy c of a husband, but her going on and on about it does not seem quite normal. But maybe you're all like this on here and I'm the only sane one. 😂😂😂😂😂

In life, if enough people tell you that you’re unreasonable that usually tends to mean that you are. But sure, everyone else on here is batshit because you’re unwilling to accept that to “diagnose” an anonymous poster who you’ve never met in real life with a neurological disorder is mental and you’re the “sane non obsessive” one. Righto. 😬

The trouble is, when does the cleaning actually get done then?

I’m shocked by how many people think lying in your marriage is ok. If I felt the need to lie in my relationship, I think I shouldn’t be with that person. It’s a slippery slope. The most I will do is omit something if it’s something minor and pointless that DH might make a fuss over but doesn’t actually need to know, or something told in confidence by someone else that has nothing to do with him. I feel if lies (on either side) ever start to creep in, it would be the beginning of the end.

Sorry OP but the more someone lies to you the easier it gets for them. If they lie about the little things how will they manage with the important stuff.

OP

Are all options open as this is just not right?

Just to add, I totally understand your frustration OP. But I do think it’s just one of those human shortcoming incidents- not dangerous trait or slippery slope or any of the other things suggested.

I must annoy my dh all the time with these sorts of incidents , as he does me. It wasnt a black and white lie: my DH would think he’d done a shitload if he loaded the dishwasher and took some stuff upstairs! It takes me hours to prune a rose but my DH is quite good at garden stuff. Forgive and forget on this one I think.

He didn’t want to do the housework did he. I can’t think of anyone, especially a man, who’d do 5 hours of housework. Yeh, it is the lying but you can see through that. Is it worth this level of agg? No. Course he was watching the football and why not. (Blokes can’t clean and tidy properly anyway because they don’t see what we see)

Not trying to be combative here but I think you’ve missed a couple of big points. The lying is important because whether or not she can see through it it still shows a huge level of disrespect. It would be easier to overlook if he hadn’t tried to tell her it takes longer than she reasonably knows it does. 5 hours would be a mansion style house I doubt everything would have taken the full five hours anyway. I know men who do in fact see what we see and do a good job of cleaning and tidying because they take pride in the things they do. On the other hand, there are a lot of partners and husbands of women on here who are lazy and won’t do even a half decent job even when they’re fully abled. Cleaning and tidying isn’t brain surgery at the end of the day and I bet to a man they could do a task of a similar effort level well enough if it suited them. These men use weaponised incompetence enough off their own back without anyone else excusing their laziness and using it for them.