Am I overreacting over DH lying

[Hateliars34]

I hate lies. I know everyone lies, but my strong opinion is there should be no lies in a relationship except for maybe white lies to protect each other's feelings.

This Sunday our house was a big mess. I said to DH we should take the kids out for a big walk to spend time as a family and he said we should go, and he would stay home and clean/tidy. We find it really difficult to get much cleaning/tidying done with the kids as they just cause a constant mess, so I thought it was a good idea which would save time during the week.

So I took them shopping with me in the morning for 1.5 hours. Not much done when we got back, just a few dishes done and few things tidied away from the dining area. Fair enough, DH was probably waiting for our big walk.

After lunch, I took them out for nearly 4 hours. When we got home, the dishes had been done, dishwasher emptied, toys and random things had been put away and apparently some clothes in the kids' bedroom were put away. No hoovering, cleaning of surfaces, floors or any of the baby's bibs had been done. Upstairs/bathrooms/corridors were untouched. DH didn't even need to make dinner as we eating leftovers, which I prepared for everyone when we got home.

So I asked him "You didn't really do much tidying/cleaning today, did you?"

He immediately got defensive and said he'd done it all the time we were gone. I asked a few more times, he'd had 5.5 hrs so how could it be? He got annoyed with me and said he'd watched only 20 minutes of football and been tidying non stop for the rest of the time and that it takes much longer than I think. Now I started thinking am I crazy, that would surely take me no more than 1 hr, maybe 1.5 if I was going on my phone every 5 minutes. I told him I hate lying, and he insisted he wasn't lying. I again started wondering if my memory is awful or something, until he admitted that he had lied and had had a rest in bed while we were gone.

Now I'm awake after breastfeeding the baby wondering what else and how often he lies to me. He only seems to admit to lying when I really press about something - eg. If food has disappeared and I ask if he's eaten it, a few times he admitted to lying about it.

He says I'm completely overreacting and that this was an inconsequential lie. But my problem is that lies like this make me inwardly question my reasoning.

Trust is also very important to me, and I'm quite black and white about stuff like this. I'm not really capable of lying like this at all... I just can't do it, and I feel now how can I trust someone who can lie to me with a straight face like that?

Sorry for rambling. Do I need to accept inconsequential lies are normal and okay in a relationship? Or am I right that lying as in the above example is quite problematic and it's not overreacting to feel you can't trust your partner?

The replies on this are weird. Frankly, I think he lied from.the start. He wanted you out the house so he could.earch the football. The he gaslighted you and pretended he had been slaving. I am also interested in who did the actual cleaning in the end? I bet it wasn't him.

IME the boss/employee dynamic happens when one partner, usually thr man, chooses to sit back and leave it all to the other one (usually the woman) and then she has to.micromanage, beg and plead for anything to get done.

No OP suggested they all go out for a big walk and he suggested she do that and he'll stay home and clean. He wanted to watch the football. Clear and simple.

This Sunday our house was a big mess. I said to DH we should take the kids out for a big walk to spend time as a family and he said we should go, and he would stay home and clean/tidy

Men will never do cleaning as women expect. My DH does help out but if I started looking for faults we would be constantly bickering.

I hate lies too, particularly stupid inconsequential lies because when someone lies to me then what they are actually saying is that they think that I'm stupid enough to believe that lie, and that I don't matter enough to deserve the truth. Its so insulting

This. It’s sexist but true.

Your dh is a lazy arse.

Maybe he does this because you’re quite confrontational in your tone and also that you overreact to quite small stuff. I would be worried about you going off on one if I openly admitted I’d not been cleaning the whole time. Surely if you can see hardly any cleaning has been done you don’t need to interrogate him about it - it’s pretty obvious it didn’t take five and a half hours.

If he's told you to go do the activity without him he's clearly not interested in doing it maybe come up with a family activity that he can be part of with footy in the background

I think it depends how the situation came about. If someone expected / told me to do 5 hours tidying then I wouldn't. If we mutually agreed that one of us would take the kids out and the other would blitz the house, and nothing got done then yes I'd be mad, because it isn't an 'inconsequential' lie, the consequences are the person who took the kids out probably kept them out a couple more hours than needed, got no downtime that weekend, and will probably end up doing half the tidying at some other point because there isn't often that opportunity to get it done all at once. So one person effectively sneaked off for a nice rest at the expense of the other person having no rest at all, and then lied about it. Which doesn't seem fair

Red flags, disrespect, head for hills, solicitor, deserve better, finances in order, vagina clamp shut, etc etc.

I don't think you're overeacting at all. This is the beginning of gaslighting you..

The rot in a relationship starts here. When he lies about these things, he is forcing you to think of another reasonable explanation because you're a reasonable person, and he squirms until he admits it. That puts him on the back foot and the only person he is going to resent is you.

By lying he is making you the bad guy and forcing you to parent your husband.

It won't end well if it keeps going.

Not the point of this thread, but after a number of years I realised it is best if I do everything myself in the house. DH volunteers to help and genuinely tries (shopping, cleaning) but apart from hoovering, I found out if he buys food, it is twice as dear or the wrong food, and if he tidies up, I can't find anything (including passports). Frankly, cutting the grass and hoovering and washing the car and changing light-bulbs. At first I was also indignant, but then I realise it is for the better.

You think someone might have ASD because they are pissed off that their husband lied? You're kidding right?

I'm not surprised people think that ASD is being over-diagnosed.

🙄

My DH cleans the house much better and more frequently than me.

With all due respect, this is bollocks.

I would leave him. I can't stand lying. If he wasn't going to be helpful, why wasn't his decision to be with you and the children? He just sounds crap.

Respect and searing insight much appreciated.

@Heartoverhead1 ·
He sat and watched the big football game didn't he?

Of course he did! I am surprised he did anything, to be honest.

Nah I hate lying. Especially about such obvious things. He knows you KNOW this isn't 5hrs of cleaning.

But the lack of cleaning would also piss me off. He knew the football was on, he lied to you from the off. He had no intention of cleaning. He wanted you to take the kids out so he could have the day to himself. You've spent and entire day lone parenting, and made dinner. And the house still needs cleaning. While he's watched football and had a nap.

YANBU OP, and I don’t think you’re over-reacting. I hate lying too. And now he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the one at fault. You’re not. Tbh it would make me question what other lies he might have told, and I’d find it difficult to trust him. Plus it was lazy and he’s taking the piss.

Wow, some responses on opposite ends of the spectrum! I guess we're all very different people in what we find acceptable.

I had a chat with DH about how even small lies are really unsettling for me, and give me an intense feeling of distrust. He apologized and said he will do his hardest to remember this and that it's something he does when he's put on the spot as he hates disappointing me. I also apologized for overreacting and we moved on.

I might start another thread about other issues as I have found your responses really insightful. Thanks again.

I might well be similarly peeved. However, if I was your husband, I probably wouldn't have done jobs the whole time if I'm honest. Maybe 2 hours worth? Then I would have taken the opportunity to rest. I presume he works and life with young kids is relentless. I quiet house is to be savoured! The lying is annoying but I'm assuming he felt defensive. Get him to take the kids out next weekend whilst you enjoy an empty house! Bliss!

So imagine if the DH wrote a post here saying that he suggested he take the kids out for 5 hours and that his wife spend that time cleaning, then he hit the roof when he got back when it wasn't done to his standard, and he was appalled that it since transpired she had been distracted for a large chunk of that time by a film on tv.

It doesn't sound like he wins househusband of the year, but 5.5 hours worth of cleaning is a lot to expect, and he did take care of the important bits. I don't think its fair to lay in to him.

I think he’s gaslit you.

He’s annoyed that you kept pressing and he had to admit the truth - that he sat on his ar$e all day while you removed all the kids to give him peace to do nothing.

I would be MASSIVELY less pi$$ed off if the following happened when I walked through the door - “Sorry about the housework! I thought I could catch the game before getting stuck into the cleaning but it went on so much longer than anyone expected, EXTRA TIME AND PENALTIES! Was such a good game sorry I just zoned out watching it!”
Instead he had to turn it around and lie, lie, lie, then make you out to be the bad one.

This! Is this really 'gas lighting'? A form of emotional and psychological abuse?

I kind of think the same, I used too (not so much now) lie rather than admit I didn’t know something or had made a mistake i.e being asked if I had broke something as I’d have got into trouble as a child for doing so.