Am I overreacting over DH lying

[Hateliars34]

I hate lies. I know everyone lies, but my strong opinion is there should be no lies in a relationship except for maybe white lies to protect each other's feelings.

This Sunday our house was a big mess. I said to DH we should take the kids out for a big walk to spend time as a family and he said we should go, and he would stay home and clean/tidy. We find it really difficult to get much cleaning/tidying done with the kids as they just cause a constant mess, so I thought it was a good idea which would save time during the week.

So I took them shopping with me in the morning for 1.5 hours. Not much done when we got back, just a few dishes done and few things tidied away from the dining area. Fair enough, DH was probably waiting for our big walk.

After lunch, I took them out for nearly 4 hours. When we got home, the dishes had been done, dishwasher emptied, toys and random things had been put away and apparently some clothes in the kids' bedroom were put away. No hoovering, cleaning of surfaces, floors or any of the baby's bibs had been done. Upstairs/bathrooms/corridors were untouched. DH didn't even need to make dinner as we eating leftovers, which I prepared for everyone when we got home.

So I asked him "You didn't really do much tidying/cleaning today, did you?"

He immediately got defensive and said he'd done it all the time we were gone. I asked a few more times, he'd had 5.5 hrs so how could it be? He got annoyed with me and said he'd watched only 20 minutes of football and been tidying non stop for the rest of the time and that it takes much longer than I think. Now I started thinking am I crazy, that would surely take me no more than 1 hr, maybe 1.5 if I was going on my phone every 5 minutes. I told him I hate lying, and he insisted he wasn't lying. I again started wondering if my memory is awful or something, until he admitted that he had lied and had had a rest in bed while we were gone.

Now I'm awake after breastfeeding the baby wondering what else and how often he lies to me. He only seems to admit to lying when I really press about something - eg. If food has disappeared and I ask if he's eaten it, a few times he admitted to lying about it.

He says I'm completely overreacting and that this was an inconsequential lie. But my problem is that lies like this make me inwardly question my reasoning.

Trust is also very important to me, and I'm quite black and white about stuff like this. I'm not really capable of lying like this at all... I just can't do it, and I feel now how can I trust someone who can lie to me with a straight face like that?

Sorry for rambling. Do I need to accept inconsequential lies are normal and okay in a relationship? Or am I right that lying as in the above example is quite problematic and it's not overreacting to feel you can't trust your partner?

@ForestForever Oh without a doubt. I think the difference is, I wouldn’t have been surprised to get home and see it hadn’t been done. I’d rather do the housework as I enjoy it x

I think they genuinely don’t realise what is involved.

This reminds of an incident with my DH when we had had builders in so the normal cleaning had been disrupted ( I hadn’t had had use of the washing machine for example, intermittent use of the dishwasher) plus dcs were quite small so not yet at school and there was mess everywhere. On the Friday night I collapsed on the sofa and said “I’m not sure how I’m going to get out of this muddle now because we’ve got a, b and c on this weekend.” My heart leapt as DH said kindly “ oh don’t worry I’ll help tomorrow.” Then when I thought about I said , “yes, but we have a and b to attend to tomorrow.” He looked genuinely confused and said “ yes but before we go…” I said well we have to leave at 9:30. Awkward pause then he said cautiously: “ well how long are you suggesting this clean up will take? I was thinking half an hour. “ 😳😳😳😳😳

Interesting you say boss/employee dynamic. I’ll be watching out for that one due to my own experience of it.

@Calliopespa Don’t get it do they. I put washing on every day before 9am. Make the bed. Clean the bathroom sink and I’ve already done more housework than he has in a week. He thinks doing the washing up is housework.

Half an hour is about my normal “everything is generally in order” clean up from breakfast and put load of laundry in timescale. Not my “catch up on a week of backlog” timescale! 😩

Same. I do housework daily. I couldn’t leave it to build up to five hours-worth.

Don't do that. That is absolutely the most unprofessional thing someone who claims to teach kids with autism could say. Do you get a kick out of belittling ppl? Op is telling you she doesn't care for lies. Her reaction for some ppl is completely normal if she has a set standard of really hating lies. Don't normalise trying to make someone think they are autistic because of a strong reaction to a lie.

You sound a nightmare tbh. I suspect he lied because it sounds like you push and push and push and he's trying to avoid getting told off. I felt uncomfortable reading your description.

He should have done more to be sure, but I can see why he fibbed. You need to look at how you treat him and the dynamic between you.

@Grah

What an over the top reply.

You aren't the authority on autism that you think you are.

I think you’re over reacting, the whole family was out and he did a bit of tidying and a bit of sitting on his arse. I’d do the same in that situation. If I have a day off and my DH comes home from work, I always say ‘ooooh I’ve not stopped today!!!’ It’s often BS and I’ve had a lovely time sat on my backside drinking tea. It’s not a biggie.

I so relate 😁

TBH OP I can kinda see why he did lie from your reaction. Maybe reflect on that too rather than placing the full blame on ur husband.

Don’t forget the all-important LTB.

REALLY!!??? Because most of mumsnet seem to be scroooooupulously honest when they were supposed to be doing housework all day and demand NO LESS of DH!

I also think you are overreacting. It sounds like he did actually get quite a bit done. I don't think that just because someone is staying home to do a bit of cleaning while you take the kids out means they have to frantically deep clean the whole house for the entire time you are out.

I would send you all a certificate but your boys have probably already got their Boy Scout bed making badge and housekeeping award. Believe me there’s more to worry about as they get older than how fast they complete household tasks. He’s not the “type “ to leave it all to his partner as you suggest , he’s a good cook , gardener , great with car maintenance. His GF is messy , can’t cook but a lovely person who I presume has a vagina , so not sure if your gender assumptions always work. He’s a happy , popular guy who’s doing really well , so I will just have to come to terms with the fact he’s not super speedy at some domestic tasks.

I don't think you are over-reacting, OP. I'm the same as you, I hate lying. Once someone has lied to me, even once, I know I can never trust them again. If you're prepared to lie just to make your life easier, then you'll do it again, and again. It's a fundamental lack of integrity.

I speak from experience that this kind of behaviour - lying, gaslighting, stonewalling, etc - are like a cancer in the relationship. It may start off small but if you leave it, it progresses to the point where the relationship dies. The problem is that it's like the boiled frog thing, it all seems so small, so inconsequential at first, you can't leave because surely it's not that big a deal, but one day it's something big, something absolutely lethal to your health and happiness.

I've no idea what the answer is. Personally I've tried to live with it, but I wish now I'd got out years ago. You could try therapy, if you can get him to go along with it. Or you could leave him. The only sure thing is that if you do nothing he will do this again and again because there's zero incentive for him to change.

Really? Some of the tidiest people I've ever known were men who lived on their own. How do you explain that?

It’s no wonder so many people are presenting with MH issues and broken marriages these days.

No, serious lying is not acceptable . But he tried to tidy up a bit .And then did what we all sometimes do: deviate. It’s honestly just not the massive marriage threatening crisis or relationship cliffhanger that it’s being whipped up to be with all this gaslighting fiddle faddle. Yes he ought to have done it. Is the rest of your relationship generally ok? We’re you gaslit into thinking ( for ten seconds even) that you don’t have a handle on how long it takes? If you feel you can possibly survive this assault on your sense of reality give him a bollocking op and move on. Do not overanalyse.

Who would do 5 hours of housework? Surely people keep on top of it plus I don’t know a single man who rushes to tidy and clean

Lying was one of the things I couldn't stand when I was with my ex husband. Gaslighting was another, and him making you feel bad/guilty for catching him out in a lie was another. They are all red flags to me.
In my opinion this isn't a small white lie, it's a big red flag - not just the lying but his other reactions/actions too e.g. making you feel bad about accusing him (when you were right all along) / making you feel like you're being paranoid (until he admitted it) i.e. gaslighting.

No, you're not overreacting at all. He lied to you so he could lay around and watch football and do nothing..

His leisure was far more important than you or the house.

As for men lying, yes, they lie a lot, all of them

I would be frustrated too. But I know my husband's definition of cleaning isn't the same as mine.

When mine were little I preferred him to take them on the walk and I stayed home to sort the house.

I get he wanted to watch the match too. Obviously he lied as he didn't want you to know he was sat having a chill.

I wouldn't assume he lies about the big things just because he said he had spent more time tidying.

I understand where you are both coming from and it's hard with little kids.

I know LOADS of men who are super clean and tidy and who have gorgeous tidy clean houses. Some of them are even heterosexual.

Clean tidy straight men who do housework do exist - sadly I've never been in a relationship with any of them though, funny that.

It seems when there is a woman around hetero men flounder when it comes to cleaning and tidying - its shameless sexism.