Am I overreacting over DH lying

[Hateliars34]

I hate lies. I know everyone lies, but my strong opinion is there should be no lies in a relationship except for maybe white lies to protect each other's feelings.

This Sunday our house was a big mess. I said to DH we should take the kids out for a big walk to spend time as a family and he said we should go, and he would stay home and clean/tidy. We find it really difficult to get much cleaning/tidying done with the kids as they just cause a constant mess, so I thought it was a good idea which would save time during the week.

So I took them shopping with me in the morning for 1.5 hours. Not much done when we got back, just a few dishes done and few things tidied away from the dining area. Fair enough, DH was probably waiting for our big walk.

After lunch, I took them out for nearly 4 hours. When we got home, the dishes had been done, dishwasher emptied, toys and random things had been put away and apparently some clothes in the kids' bedroom were put away. No hoovering, cleaning of surfaces, floors or any of the baby's bibs had been done. Upstairs/bathrooms/corridors were untouched. DH didn't even need to make dinner as we eating leftovers, which I prepared for everyone when we got home.

So I asked him "You didn't really do much tidying/cleaning today, did you?"

He immediately got defensive and said he'd done it all the time we were gone. I asked a few more times, he'd had 5.5 hrs so how could it be? He got annoyed with me and said he'd watched only 20 minutes of football and been tidying non stop for the rest of the time and that it takes much longer than I think. Now I started thinking am I crazy, that would surely take me no more than 1 hr, maybe 1.5 if I was going on my phone every 5 minutes. I told him I hate lying, and he insisted he wasn't lying. I again started wondering if my memory is awful or something, until he admitted that he had lied and had had a rest in bed while we were gone.

Now I'm awake after breastfeeding the baby wondering what else and how often he lies to me. He only seems to admit to lying when I really press about something - eg. If food has disappeared and I ask if he's eaten it, a few times he admitted to lying about it.

He says I'm completely overreacting and that this was an inconsequential lie. But my problem is that lies like this make me inwardly question my reasoning.

Trust is also very important to me, and I'm quite black and white about stuff like this. I'm not really capable of lying like this at all... I just can't do it, and I feel now how can I trust someone who can lie to me with a straight face like that?

Sorry for rambling. Do I need to accept inconsequential lies are normal and okay in a relationship? Or am I right that lying as in the above example is quite problematic and it's not overreacting to feel you can't trust your partner?

It is the lying about something that doesn't really matter - as you said you'd accept he watched the football etc and would move on - which makes you wonder what lies he's told you about things that do matter.

Spending more on something that only benefits him without discussion, especially if the rest of you go without.

The working late which is actually drinking in the pub or messing about at work to delay the crazy bath and bedtime routine.

Marriage deal breaker lies.

My ex is a way better cleaner than me. Tbh if I said I’d do the cleaning and tidying I would mean I’ll do a bit of stuff (dirty dishes, a bit of polishing, Hoover the hallway), and then I’d sit and enjoy some time on my own. The difference is I suppose is that I would have just said, yeah, I did a bit then watched the sport/movie. I’m a terrible liar as I hate it but this lie is so low level on it’s own that it wouldn’t have bothered me. Maybe there’s more going on?

I used to work for a cleaning company and clean messy, (some of them were pure filth) half mansions not just average sized houses , in an hour and a half so yeah he is lying.
Best thing to do is tidy as you go through the day and have a deep clean once a week, obviously hover and mop daily , clean bath/ sower after using, declutter daily.
But Lying needs to stop you were out all day with the kid's so you have every right to be annoyed.
He could of cleaned up in 40 mins and just chilled he basically half arsed it, cleaning is much easier than entertaining the kids , anyone eould be fuming and you could see his bs as soon as you walked through the door , I would just say to him be honest you couldn't be bothered (make a joke out of it) you took the opportunity to have a lazy day so next time he can take the kids out shopping then for a walk for 5 hours you clean the house then go for a sleep, i would then tell him you expect the same next time and let him cook the family meal , it's not fair of him to be treating you like a joke.

Gaslighting is so overused now that it’s losing any weight. I’m assuming the posters on this thread have never ever told a white lie/fib ever ever as they clearly equate it to gaslighting.

Man watches football when he should have been doing something else (not life or death) is hardly scandalous and is only a problem if there are deeper issues in the relationship.

Grow up.people lie all the time.gpd no wonder men leave women

I've got 36 yrs experience working with autistic kids. I'm autistic, my two sons are autistic. Unless you have more experience butt out!! The OP is hysterically over reacting and needs some kind of help/counselling. Or her poor husband does!!!!

I think I'd let things lie (no pun intended) for a few days and then have neutral discussion with him. I think the underlying issue here is more that he lied about his intentions in the first instance.

He sold it to you as him sorting the house while you were out. If he'd been upfront and had asked if you'd be okay if he stayed behind to watch a match your hopes on the housework front wouldn't be dashed. He could have sweetened the request by saying he'd get x,y and z jobs done and that he will do the same for you when you'd like some uninterrupted time.

He had a game plan but his tactics were all wrong... compounded by him telling you that you don't know how long it takes to get stuff done around the house. I would utilise that 'own goal' and implement some practise sessions as he obviously needs some.

It's not the lie imo - it's the fact the OP took the kids out - YOUNG kids by herself...that is HARDWORK for 5.5 hours on a Sunday and thought she'd be coming home to a spotless house in return for her work. I'd be raging if that had happened to me! What a twat!

I'd be as pissed off as you are, but I'd tackle it a different way. I wouldn't really care that he lied. If someone accused me of doing a shit job, I'd probably lie too, because when an accusation is levied, it takes a huge amount of maturity to be the bigger person admit that it may be true.

I'd be more bothered that he is a selfish lazy arse. My ex did shit like this and was basically just an inert wallet always sitting on the metaphorical sofa with me running around like a mug doing the job of two people.

If you don't think a mature conversation adult to adult is going to work here, then you can either Ice Queen him, whereby he doesn't get to lay his mits on you until he cleans the house properly. Or you Love Bomb him and tell him that you appreciate all he does to contribute to your household and he's the man and you are really struggling and he is going to have to be even more of a man and step up even more, but it will be so worth it, because you'll have more energy for him, hint, hint at blow jobs or whatever his favourite thing is.

Clearly a mature adult conversation would be the ideal way forward, but some people need a bit of training and possibly he falls into that category. If so, maybe you can pull off one of those training tactics.

Good luck, he definitely needs a light lit underneath him one way or another.

@Hateliars34

I want to caveat my post by saying that I do understand how frustrating it is to take the children out for HOURS and then come back to find that nothing of any substance re cleaning has been done.

However, you do sound very confrontational and intense. I really would hate an audit of this kind if I decided to take a nap while my husband was out.

I do appreciate that you had agreed to take the children out while he cleaned so he broke that agreement and you are entitled to question that but the audit/questioning/hassling etc - not sure that is the best way.

Counselling? Rotas? Next weekend you are off and he takes the kids out and you have a rest day. Cleaner to keep things ticking over?

ummm there is a lot going on here......he should have done what he offered to do but maybe you didn't deal with it as wll as you might have...If you have got kids, you will have been together for a while and he doesn't seem like he's skilled liar so is this new behaviour? I was interested that you say that you "have to be the boss" because you are better at life admin...you can be better at life admin without being the boss....but then again he will "try and remember" not to lie to you. it dos sound to me as though your relationship needs some work generally.

He lied so you would take the DC out, so he could watch the football and have a nap in peace.

That is why he lied.

The housework was a rouse to get you all out of the house - he ran around for 20 minutes doing those few bits before you go home.

I would lie to you if you treated me like a naughty child!
I would also be pissed off with DP if he was meant to clean and didn't...

But also, do we all need to live in perfect houses all the time? Or can we just chill the fuck out sometimes!!!!

I have years of both personal and professional experience.

Suggesting that someone has autism just because they are upset by a lie is absolutely ridiculous.

He avoided spending time on a family outing in the fresh air, and also didn’t bother cleaning. So you looked after the kids alone on a big walk out and no doubt you’ll be the one actually cleaning the bathroom and kitchen and everything? He’s a wanker.

And then had a big rest afterwards! Watching football can be tiring.

This post was brought to MN from 1937.

Try sending him out with the DC next time , have a quick blitz around the house and then chill while enjoying the peace. I do think some males can’t clean/ multi task as quick as others and he may have been dithering about so not purposely lying about time spent. When my son empties the dishwasher / changes his bed , it takes him a lot longer than me.

Actually, a significant majority of divorces are filed by women. We’re the ones leaving shitty, selfish men.

When a partner lies to you so they don't 'get into trouble' with you, it's always a red flag in a relationship. Because it always means one of two things. Either the lied to partner is authritarian/controlling and the liar is afraid to be truthful, or, the liar wants to do what they please, however selfish or unreasonable it may be, but lacks the back bone to be honest about it. Neither is a great dynamic. And yes, if his go to response here was to lie then you can bet your house it's not the first lie he's told, and it won't be the last. Work out which of the scenarios led to it, and take it from them.

You think he is slower because he has a penis? And you’re better at changing the bed because you have a vagina? No. He’s just being incompetent to try and avoid and I bet he’ll be the type who leaves it up to his future wife/husband. I’ve got two boys, 10 and 12, and they strip and make their beds in the same time that I do. Nothing to do with a penis, everything to do with parenting and their attitude.

You both need to grow up, set a timer for one hour, whack the radio up and get it done. Challenge yourselves to see how much you get done in an hour. You never know it may be fun. You’re both behaving like two students in a house share being petty over who does what.

Mine does this. Last Saturday I took the children out all day so he could go stuff in the garden and DIY. He did about 20% of what we need done and spent the rest of the time on his phone and having a nap. I’ve ended up doing the rest through the week (with a toddler at
home!). Absolutely maddening.

Yes- Men can’t dust and hoover while watching the Footie.
⚽️🥅

He should have been honest with you, @Hateliars34
My husband used to lie too - and his third wife says he STILL lies.

” Tells fibs” as. He calls them.

I can’t bear lies either- just come clean and tell the truth.👍

I believe there's a final on next Saturday. If you want to send him out with the kids then!