DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

External validation isn't going to solve the internal problems in your marriage, unfortunately.

Of course. Anything can be infidelity at any time. People can be unfaithful without changing their behaviour.

Like I said, it must be exhausting to constantly be on alert for infidelity.

This ^
You need to get out more.
Leave him alone. He’s finally grown up. Time to play catch up.

I would stop forcing the issue about social media with him. If his behaviour around you re other things is concerning then that is another issue. The more you push the point the more likely he is to dig his heels in.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore.

I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”

I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice.

I asked why he is so against it and he said just because.

I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

I got so irritated by this whiny petulance that I can't imagibe how this poor bloke puts up with it.

OP will be posting here next month wondering why he broke up with her

I think a lot of people are either consciously scaling back on their use of social media or have lost interest in it, OP.

And I'm not alone in thinking that people who are constantly posting about their relationship on social media are probably those who are least secure in their relationship.

That's what comes across massively from your post, actually. You seem to be deeply insecure about your relationship which is why you want your husband to post stuff about you. But if he did, would that really address the reasons why you are feeling insecure?

I think you and your husband need to do some work to figure out why you are feeling this way and what would actually help to fix it, because posting on social media about how in love you are won't change anything.

Your husband has grown away from social media. Hooray for that. He has more time to devote to your real life.

If I were you, I would plan more actual dates, have more actual long hugs and actual discussions. Can you cut down on your reliance on social media? Take your blinkers off and see and respond to the real man.

My ex hid his relationship status on Facebook and stopped posting about me at all. I tagged us in a post and he got ratty about it. Did a little digging and he’d missed a girl at party and then she’d added him on Facebook. Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason.

Exactly
Op’s dh is not behaving in the way he normally does and she is concerned.
The social media posting is just a red herring as far as I am concerned
Cant understand why posters are jumping down OP’s throat and invalidating her feelings

Having just read your other thread, you have far more issues at stake than social media. It really does sound like you have reached the end of the line. I'm sorry

There's a third party that's very interested in the status of his marriage and he doesn't want anything he posts publicly to contradict what he's saying privately.

The OP senses that something is "off" andthat'sthe real issue. Something just doesn't feel right. IME it's best to be straightforward with what's really bothering you. The nagging about social media is just a distraction.

Sorry to say this op but this is where my head went on reading this. I would be watching him like a hawk .

Agreed. It was irritating just reading your OP so I can only imagine how pissed off your DH is being badgered to post on social media every time there is some sort of occasion

I used to use social media a lot, post lots. Then I totally stopped posting, I changed my mind about wanting the world to see everything.
I barely go on there now.
If my husband asked me to add a post I'd absolutely not do it. I'd actually find it rather needy and insecure for him to ask.
If he kept going on about it I would also get upset, as explained I don't want to.
Why your husband needs a reason?
It really doesn't mean he's hiding anything.

I actually think that its really healthy he's not posting this stuff on social media. I often think to myself ffs what weirdos when people who sleep next to each other wish each other happy birthday etc on social media. Can't they just turn to one another and say it?
As long as he acknowledges your special occasions in person what more could you need?

If he is still on social media and maintains a presence which includes friends, work, etc but completely excludes you that is a bit odd.
If he just doesn't go on social media, good on him.

Op this isn’t really about sm is it? it’s obvious from your post that you are anxious and you are sensing that something is “off” about your relationship.

No one on here can tell if your dh has stopped using sm bc he is bored of it, or he is hiding his family for a reason. That’s for you to work out.

One thing I do know though is that the more you chase your avoidant dh, the more he will back off. Give him some space. And focus on empowering yourself. You seem far too focused on the minutiae of what he is doing. Stop worrying about him and worry about you!

You cannot change people op. It’s a waste of energy trying. Focus on things within your control. Good luck 💐

I’d be changing my profile picture to a nice couple-y selfie of the two of us.

This is why the rest of us think that people who do the most couple-y posts and pictures are definitely not that happy in reality. What pathetic game-playing.

He sounds like me. I cba with it all. I don't post about my child or my boyfriend, I'm 44 and no one cares. I use SM to follow comedians and pages about dogs. Doesn't mean I don't love him, just means I'm not thirsty for likes and attention.

I know loads of people who used to be very active on social media and now just don't bother. People get bored with it. To be honest I find it odd that you're so desperate for public declarations from your DH. It sounds like you're craving attention, for people to see how happy and in love you and your DH are. Why is that?

To be fair, PP didn’t say immature and needy, and made some valid points.

My “memories” on Facebook indicate I posted a lot in my 20s. I’ve literally posted nothing in the past 3 years now, and absolutely wouldn’t do at my partner’s request.

I don’t really like the conversations where you tell someone what you did and they say “oh I see that on SM”, I find it weirdly violating. I’m also now a bit judgy of other who do the smushy posts about their DP (like what are you trying to prove and to who).

But in OP’s DH case I would try to hear that OP wasn’t feeling validated and try to fix that in a way that meaningful to me.

There are plenty of happy families on Facebook that are anything but when you get behind closed doors. I really don’t like the curated presentation of life on SM and would not feed into it.

You sound hard work.

I'm assuming it's less about the social media as some are latching onto and more about the fact your marriage is struggling and your DH is presenting himself as a 'single' person online by not acknowledging you and your children when in the past (I presume before the marriage difficulties) he used to.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel unnerved by this at the same time I don't think nagging him to post is going to reassure you either as he will only be doing so because you have asked him to.

Things like facebook you outgrow. There is so much dross and I find the sharing of personal stuff, plus photographs, quite embarrassing. I look on there to see if I have any personal messages but only post on a thread if I have something to say that I believe will be a positive addition. I don't suppose I always judge that correctly but I try. My ambition is to give it up altogether eventually.

Your husband sounds very sensible so please don't keep going on about it, it is silly to do that and I expect he finds it irritating. Unless you suspect sinister reasons for him no longer posting, his attitude is quite normal. He has outgrown social media. Good for him.

I stopped posting on social media quite suddenly. I just fell out of love with it. It felt weird, i don't want to do it anymore.

If my partner was repeatedly asking me to post because he wanted me to, I would get a bit pissed off, and maybe find it a bit controlling. Especially if I had told him i didn't want to, it would be like crossing my boundary. I think any human who has their boundaries crossed has the right to get a bit pissed off.