DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

Apart from people trying to make money on social media, does anyone really post anything anymore? I think people have learned to not put their life on the likes of Facebook. I would never write a soppy birthday post to my husband on Facebook, that goes in a card for our eyes only, my children for some time now have not wanted me to post about their life on social media either so I don’t, and I’ve made all my old photos private, I’m just very conscious about my digital footprint nowadays. I can’t believe you are getting upset about what your husband chooses not to post on social media! Talk to each other instead?

“I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him”. You haven’t provided examples on the kind of sacrifices but I would always advise people not to make a compromise /sacrifice on their values. Also, if you do make “sacrifices”, it should not be used as tit for tat as you have willingly made the decision so, I don’t think it’s ok to say, “well I did xyz so, you have to do this”. If he posts stuff up, you are going to be happy temporarily but he is going to resent you and that is going to make the dynamics worse.

You're his wife and he used to post things so it's not exactly hiding you. if anyone looked would they see if you exist?

There's more to it.

Why does it have to announce it to the world? He lives with you.. can't you just communicate?
Sounds like you're insecure and need things validating to show everyone else.

this.

It's clearly more than him posting on SM, you need to be truthful and ask what you actually mean.

Its a pity that this is the hill you've chosen OP. Because it's really difficult for most people to think its reasonable to want their partner to post things on SM when they don't want to. Unfortunately for you, it makes it all sound a bit childish and silly. Which I think misses the underlying issue, which is that you have become mistrustful of your husband and believe that either he wants to present to the world as not having a partner/family, or is deliberately withholding from you something that you want just because he can. Context is everything here. If he won't post and everything else is fine, that's very different from this being just one example of suspicious or withholding behaviour.

I enjoy sharing photos on social media, my DH rarely does. He has grown to dislike it more and more over the years with the constant adverts, the OTT posts, political stuff etc and so avoids it alot of the time. It doesn’t bother me one bit and as long as he still says ‘happy anniversary’ to me in real life, who cares!

I will do posts to mark special events (birthdays etc) but its not his thing and I totally respect that.

Thank you for your replies - I wasn’t expecting so many. I’ll try to capture everything in one response.

To clarify, there have been issues in our marriage and we have drifted apart as a result, that’s why we had the conversation in the first place. He’s not the most romantic person so I was trying to play to his strengths when I originally brought this up.
That was about a year ago, and on 2 occasions since I have mentioned it.

Neither of us posted “gushy” things anyway, just a nod of acknowledgment and maybe the odd photo. As some PP have said it could just be now that he’s older he’s changed his view on SM, but I don’t understand why he can’t just have a calm discussion with me about it rather than saying “just because” and snapping at me.

I know it probably doesn’t sound like it but I’m not particularly bothered about SM, I could probably count on one hand how many times I have posted in the past year, and I don’t go out of my way to see what activity he has with other people, it’s just whatever comes up in my newsfeed.
It’s just that his behaviour has changed.

The reason for my post was to try to gain some insight into whether I am reading too much into it, or whether others also think something seems off.

We respect each others privacy, it’s not like I’m on at him all the time about what he’s up to, who he talks to, etc.
I hate that I feel the way I do.

I don’t bother with SM anymore. I might like something significant if a friend posted it. I completely ignore anything my dh is tagged in-I see him every day so why should I go on to social media to acknowledge events? I’d be very pissed off if he starters mothering me to do it and it would give me the ick.

I also agree with pps-if you’re worried about something, have an honest conversation rather than making it about social media.

It’s not about the SM as op’s have pointed out.

You’re obviously thinking there’s something else going on and his behaviour is maybe indicative of that.

Have you any other reasons to think he may be having/has had an affair?

*pp’s

My DH never posts pictures of anything other than photos to do with his hobbies.

I used to post photos of friends and family, but never those strange posts telling the internet how much you love someone because I find that so cringe, but as I got older I just stopped. I just can't be arsed and I don't think people care about my sister's birthday or whatever. Maybe he's the same? If my partner was badgering me the way you are I would find it extremely annoying and slightly bonkers.

To those who were quite frankly rude, there’s a way to say that you think I’m in the wrong without trying to completely tear me down; perhaps reflect on that. One poster in particular who ironically said MN is about offering support, yet continued to post negative comments.

I think it’s sad that people only post to berate others who come here for support. Just because you don’t agree with them or how they feel does not justify the wording of your responses.

Respectfully, don’t post responses if you can’t do so in a kind and constructive manner.

I really understand what you’re saying. Some people are going off on a massive tangent about them or their partners not using social media. That’s not your point or your worry.

The concern is that his behaviour has changed and that he is being defensive and refusing to engage a conversation about it. Those two things combined are setting off your spider senses and wondering what’s amiss. Especially since your relationship has been difficult of late.

My husband doesn’t go on social media, he never has. So it doesn’t concern me. That’s completely different to your scenario.

I think in your situation you just need to be aware that he has changed his behaviour and keep an eye out for anything else unusual. If he suddenly wants to go to the gym more, buying new underwear/clothes, going out with friends or working more that before……. You know all the usual signs.

What is the point in trying to force him to post something against his will. If he's not posting valentine messages of his own free will, does it even count?

You say yourself in your OP, it was a request. He declined, you requested again. He declined again and now you are insisting. Back off. He said he didn't want to do it - respect that.

I used to post EVERYTHING on social media - now it’s just the odd meme or photo of the kids. Now and again I might post something that involves my partner, but not often. I’ve definitely moved away from SM and now feel that my private life is indeed private.

I do understand how you feel though OP - DP and I went through a rough patch and I felt ‘hidden’ on his SM. In fact, to anyone who didn’t know me, it looked like he was single. I did make him aware of how I felt, then left the subject, after all you can’t force anyone to do things they just don’t want to do. About 12 months later he changed his profile picture to one of us - perhaps though because our relationship had vastly improved. He doesn’t otherwise post anything about us though!

Maybe for now try to put your insecurities about SM or his intention about it, to the back of your mind, and work on your relationship instead. Because actually when I look back on my thoughts about DPs SM, I can now see that really it doesn’t mean anything in the long run. What happens at home and between you is what really matters

Also, I’d just like to thank those of you who called out this behaviour throughout the thread 💐

What would happen if you posted a happy family picture of you both with the kids, and tagged him? Would be very interesting to see if he untags himself.

OP I no longer post on social media. It's just fizzled out. It is a 'change' in my behaviour, but only as I've moved on as have most of my world. It doesn't need to be negative. I get that once insecure reassurance is needed, but a less public forum might be the better place for this to play out.

You can have your settings where a person can tag you in something but it doesn’t show on their feed - basically only visible to the person tagged. I know this as that’s what my DPs setting is!! 😅

My DH doesnt post or look at facebook any more at all.

He's moved on from it - I dont look so much, but we've never been a couple that posts anything about personal type stuff though

I agree with PPs, its fizzling out

The longer your marriage, the more your spouse will change as will you. It is often the case that a couple will grow apart, and the relationship then feels adrift. Changes like not bothering with SM is very common once in your 30s as a pp mentioned. Similar to not bothering with going to music festivals or out clubbing. I think you may be mistaking the tree for the forest? The larger issue is you are growing apart, and trying to recapture the way things were by asking your DH to do activities he used to do when younger isn’t going to solve the issue. It’s like trying to go back in time in a way.

I think from his perspective he has had a calm discussion about SM, but you are not accepting his answer that he is no longer active on SM. I can get why he would for friends and not you- because he lives with you so he doesn’t need SM to stay in touch with or connected to you.

Usually what couples do is they start consciously doing things together on a weekend or evening that help them grow towards each other a bit. A rope that will keep them connected instead of drifting farther apart.

If he’s not into it anymore, why is he posting on his friends pages?

He doesn’t live with his friends, so likely there is no other way to keep up to date or in touch with them.