DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

I am in a different position, yes. I do think it's not that uncommon to post less about established, happy relationships though, my experience is that people tend to post more when they're feeling insecure and in need of validation. I really don't know why the DP in this case has changed his behaviour though, impossible to say without knowing more about him.

I'm just cautioning against jumping to conclusions as there could be other reasons besides cheating. Once you've accused someone of cheating or wanting to cheat it's difficult to row back.

It does sound like there are some communication issues. I suggested relationship counselling, maybe that would help.

Op, I hope it's all entirely innocent to spare you any pain.

Actually this has happened to both a friend and I. What I later found out was he wasn’t posting/ then deleted his profile on SM so his mistress couldn’t find out about me!

@SquirrelMadness I get your point. I have discussed counselling with him (communication is an issue and I think this could help). He is swaying towards no on this

@BlastedPimples Thank you 💐

If Op doesn’t trust hubby, without justification, there’s little he can do to fix that. I’ve been on the receiving end of distrust and wouldn’t tolerate it for long again.

I know loads of people who’ve dropped SM or don’t post/interact that much. My ex only post the odd thing to share his business. He will also acknowledge the kids’ birthdays. He used to what’s app me photos when he had them but doesn’t anymore. He used to pop some on SM and he doesn’t. When he does pop on I get a sudden influx of ‘likes’ on my posts involving the kids.

Honest question..if you live with him why do you need to communicate via social media at all? If he doesn't like using it why make him do it? Or is this part of bigger issue IE. Does he not give you birthday cards, valentine's etc. and it's this lack of recognition that is getting to you?

If he’s still acknowledging his friends posts but not yours and not posting about significant things he’s more than likely cheating I’m sorry to say.

My husband never posts anything on Facebook, like every so often a memory but he doesn't really do personal stuff online.
His timeline is literally me tagging him in things 😂

Girl he wants to appear available. You know that.

there was this guy that used to ‘like’ everything I posted, clearly to get my attention. He would also respond to my ‘stories’ on instagram as obviously only he and I could see it. What he’s reply to my stories wasn’t necessarily flirty but kinda showed he was ‘open’ to get into conversation.

I checked out his profile and only pictures of him and his dog, bachelor I assumed.

anyways, you can imagine my surprise when his girlfriend posted a picture of their WEDDING DAY! I click on her profile and theirs loadsss of stuff of him and her. He quickly untagged himself.

You’re telling me he can post his dog, golfing trips and car but none of his wife? It was like she didn’t exist.

For like 2 years I thought this guy was single. He’d even posted pictures of New Zealand and managed to get none of her in them despite it being them two on holiday there.

anyways I didn’t ever respond to his likes to replies to stories but I’m sure some woman would’ve over the years.

He has a right to stop posting if he wants. I scroll and don’t post anymore just stopped one day. You should childish no wonder he snapped

Sorry to hear he's not agreeing to the counselling currently @Igetolderbutneverwiser. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to give that a try together. Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

Yes, when my ex started to “not” do those things turned out he was cheating on me and messaging random girls via Facebook groups so of course he did t want to be putting things like that on his profile 🤷🏼‍♀️

Follow your gut. Change in sm behaviour made me feel uncomfortable and I couldn’t place my finger on it. Few months later I discovered a few harsh truths

Sorry to read so many experiences of peoples partners cheating, it’s awful to be in that situation.
An ex of mine did change his SM when we were “having some space” but still seeing/speaking to each other daily. Suddenly restricted his friends list and started acting differently.
When my DH restricted his friends list (pre-marriage) I put it down to him trying to keep private from his ex. I did feel uncomfortable but trusted him.

I once had an issue with my account and he let me use his to do something, so I felt I had nothing to worry about.

But with this situation something felt off, but I don’t know whether that’s my insecurities because we have been having some issues.

Given the mix above it could literally be that he’s just gone off the idea of being so active SM, or it could be there’s more to it.

I’m sorry some responses have been unkind OP. When you’re not in the situation it’s hard to relate but I totally understand your feelings .

My husband never used to massively post . But he would tag me in things , share nice quotes , post pics . All of a sudden he decided he didn’t want SM anymore ( even though he always used to be scrolling ) . Then he deleted it but got it back . Then , I noticed if I went to tag him it wouldn’t appear and I realised he had a thing on to approve what appeared on his profile . I would notice some things I posted he didn’t approve and he would say he hadn’t seen it. He stopped tagging me in things too . I later found out he had cheated on me around that time . Once I knew , he went back to normal . Even tagging me more . He was obviously scared of the OW finding me through his social media .

This was years ago and we have worked through things now . But I did the same to him ( not cheating , the same with SM I mean ) It was petty and completely deliberate and maybe childish , but he deserved it .

@LanaL Thank you for sharing, I’m sorry you went through that but glad you were able to work through things.

A few people have commented to say about tagging him in things and seeing if they appear on his profile. I was of the impression that I would see it regardless because I’m the one who posted it.
Anyway, after I read your post, I just felt compelled to check again, and I noticed that the last thing I tagged him in (a couple of photos from his birthday last year) is not showing on his profile. However, some of his friends who are not mutual friends have ‘liked it’, so I’m not sure if it was on there but he’s taken it off or what. The tag of him still shows when I look at it on my profile, it doesn’t make sense?

There is an option to remove or hide things from your profile. If it’s not on his page but non mutual friends have liked it it seems like he’s removed it after - I’m not certain but if it’s not there now it must have been for them to like it.

When I tagged him in things it would show to me that I had tagged him but it wouldn’t be on his profile , he had to approve it for it to appear there meaning none of his friends would see it .

I hope it’s not anything untoward OP I really do .
Xx

Thank you. I wonder if he approved the post then realised what he had done.
I can’t believe I didn’t spot it sooner that it wasn’t on his profile. I feel a bit stupid now because had I realised I would have asked him about it when we discussed social media last year. And now we have just put the topic to bed I can’t exactly bring it up again.

What’s making me uneasy now is that we had a blip the year before and I felt like something was going on, but he promised me it wasn’t someone else and offered another explanation (which we worked through). I recall a message coming through on his phone from a girl whose name I didn’t recognise, again he offered what seemed a reasonable explanation; we both have male and female friends so I didn’t push on it.

How do I proceed when so much time has passed, and I don’t have access to anything to be sure.

Like I said, he did let me use his SM account once for something so I felt there was nothing to worry about. And he’s always been so firm that cheating is a big no but that couples can work through pretty much anything else

I’m not going to lie, I thought you sounded a bit nuts when I read first post, having read all your updates it makes sense what you mean and your gut is telling you something so trust it, hope it’s not him cheating but something is definitely off xx

Dear OP, you must realise that this relationship is clearly problematic, look at how much brainwork and guesswork you are putting into it, did he do this, did he do that... I doubt he ever thinks about you, your feelings and actions, even half as much as you do. You should not twist yourself into knots like this over him, all this stress. There is clearly something going on with him online, but I think you need to look at a wider picture and decide if that's what you want to live with.

@Harry12345 I was amazed at the vitriol and sneering on this thread to the op.

Changes in behaviour are always to be noted.

SM is how we present to the people we choose.

To suddenly edit that to minimise or disappear our oh is significant. Red flag.

If you tag him, even if it doesn't show on his timeline, his friends will still be able to see he has been tagged in something if comes up in their notifications. He will also be notified he has been tagged in something and can choose to add it to his timeline, do nothing or remove the tag.
If he removes the tag it will remove it from your post, so you'll be able to see that.
I think if someone searches his name on sm it will also show things he has been tagged in, even if not on his timeline (as long as he leaves the tag in place).

Perhaps because the crux of the matter is so petty, why is it important for her that DH has social profile in the first place, sounds like she is more worried about other people's opinions. When Facebook was new I posted a lot, photos of the kids growing up, but they don't want that now, and personally feel these platforms are superfluous, just people boasting about the good parts of their lives. Hardly post anything anymore, which is my choice, not because of having an affair etc. which seems to be the premise of the concerns.