DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

@commonsense12 Great contribution. Make you feel good did it?

The first time I raised it he didn’t refuse. I then mentioned it twice afterwards. And I’ve clearly updated here since that I don’t intend to ask him again.
I also clearly said, many times, that the issue wasn’t about SM but about his actions and me thinking something may be amiss - I hope you never end up worried or questioning anything in your relationship because I’ve managed to drop it in my relationship but you can’t seem to drop it with a random person online.
You don’t have to agree, or even understand.

You raised it with him, you got your answer. It's because you couldn't accept his answer that you are blaming him. You're not going to ask again but it is still clearly bothering you. Not posting about your partner on SM does not mean you're cheating on them.

If you have something else to make you think he is then maybe say so. Or just accept that what you call suspicious is pretty normal behaviour for most people.

@localnotail To be honest everything you said has all been running through my head for a while.

@theforeverPm

I’m not sure what’s next.
We spoke earlier and he apologised for how he reacted. I also apologised for bringing it up again.
He said he will post things on special occasions, but I’ve said I don’t want him to given how things have gone and that I’ve accepted it now. He said he will do it anyway (though there won’t be another special occasion for a while).
I explained it was more that he didn’t acknowledge me at all on there but he does with others and it just felt off.
We had a chat about some other things too.

I just can’t seem to shake this feeling, but for now I’m just going to take some time to reflect and see how things go

You keep raising it with me / replying to others comments, even though I’ve answered multiple times. You’re still not moving on. Bit hypocritical

I can see you don't like being challenged OP. Perhaps this is what your DH is struggling with.

He's given an answer that you didn't accept until posters on this thread pointed it out to you.

There is obviously something going on in your relationship but I suspect it's not to do with his SM use or your policing of it.

You’re like a dog with a bone. Clearly you have things going on that you’ve become so fixated here.
You’re a hypocrite.

You keep replying also, username checks out

All I am doing is responding to what you have stated on your thread asking for advice.

I can tell that you are resistant to opinions that you don't agree with, such as those of your DH. He told you many times his reason for not posting on SM.

As I said, if there is some other reason that you don't trust him, that may be valid. But for now, all posters can go on is the information you have provided, in which case, he does not seem to have done anything wrong.

Yet plenty of people have responded with understanding and sharing their experiences. Others have responded saying that they don’t agree with me, but have not been like a dog with a bone like you have.
You are resistant to any of my responses and others who have responses which differ to your own.

I really think you should consider some of your own “advice”. And move on from my thread.

"There is obviously something going on in your relationship but I suspect it's not to do with his SM use or your policing of it"

But the change in sm use could be a small symptom of what is going on.

Wow OP. You are being quite aggressive. @WallaceinAnderland has pointed out something that you may need consider changing. Did this in a very respectful manner and you are attacking him/her. I have the same observation as her. You do not accept constructive criticism, which makes me also consider how you impose your needs to your husband. Food for thought.

Re SM usage of your partner, it may be bcs he got bored of them but I do see your point of “not acknowledging” you publicly. So yes, keep an eye on him. If I had done it I would have left my husband much earlier.

I’m not being aggressive, I’m responding to the PP’s unrelenting harassment. They are not being respectful, they have not just put a comment to offer their perspective, they have persisted and refused to see it any other way than their own, despite me saying multiple times the issue wasn’t really about SM. Which is ironic given that the point of their posts (and yours) are that I shouldn’t keep on at my DH.
I’ve already said it’s been dealt with, yet people keep coming to offer more unhelpful comments.

Not posting about your partner on SM does not mean you're cheating on them.

Of course it doesn't. But suddenly changing your behaviour around it but still responding to friends posts and flat out refusing to respond to your wifes posts is going to raise questions surely.

My dp hardly posts anything or reacts to anything, so its not a concern in my relationship because it has always been the same with him. However on the rare occasions when he does post/react its a random mix of me/his friends etc.

Op is concerned at the sudden change in behaviour and she feels hidden. I can absolutely understand why. Add in some issues in the relationship anyway and its hardly difficult to see that those things together could mean he could be wanting to present a certain image of himself on social media that appears to suddenly hide the fact he is in a committed relationship.

So of course it isn't, in itself, pointing to 'he is cheating', but when men are looking to or actively are, suddenly effectively eliminating their family from their social media is one of the first things they do.

Irony

Exactly this.

I suppose time will tell whether I had reason to be concerned.

Likewise for your partner if this is how you carry on.

They are not being respectful, they have not just put a comment to offer their perspective, they have persisted and refused to see it any other way than their own, despite me saying multiple times the issue wasn’t really about SM.

You have said that the problem was his reaction to your requests. But actually, as many people have said on this, his reaction was perfectly fine and normal. Many of us would be annoyed if our partner tried to police our social media.

So what is the issue actually about then?

Do you have mutual friends on FB, and do you ever spend time with them? If so, the next suitable time you're together I'd take a photo of you all (and maybe one just the two of you), and post to FB. Tag the friends, but not your DH (as it's a waste of time, but name him) and see what happens. He should see it since it'll be on multiple friends' timelines. If he does nothing, fine. If he asks it to be deleted, you have a problem.

(Ok, this isn't a flawproof plan, but it might be a start.)

I just think it would be sad if @Igetolderbutneverwiser assumes or suspects cheating where there is no issue, as that would be sad for her and very detrimental for her relationship. Maybe that's also why @WallaceinAnderland is posting - suggesting to the OP that she may be reading things incorrectly might actually be helpful.

I barely acknowledge my partner on SM these days. I live with him and acknowledge him in person. He's not in my profile picture. I don't post anything about special events with him. I do interact more with my friends on SM than I do with him because I don't see as much of them in real life. I'm a very private person and I don't particularly like to talk about my personal life online. I've also found that the more secure I am in my relationship, the less I need to post about it.

I wouldn't want to start posting things just because my partner asked me to, I would find it a bit forced and unnatural. I would also find it irritating if he tried to force the issue.

Maybe you are right that your situation is different and you have reason to be suspicious. But I would be really cautious about jumping to that conclusion if I were you @Igetolderbutneverwiser, you could really damage your relationship.

I'm also with @WallaceinAnderland - most of the OP's posts relate to her partner's use of social media so if that isn't the issue then I don't understand what is.

Also @Igetolderbutneverwiser could you not get one of your friends to check whether they can see the posts you've tagged him in on his profile.

You could also ask a relationship councillor to help you have a constructive chat about what the real issue is. I would do that before accusing or even mentioning cheating to him if I were you.

@SquirrelMadness you are in a very different position though.
You are, by your own words, a very private person. So SM was hardly going to be top on your list.
Thats not the situation the OP is describing.

Plus, if the issue is as simple as ‘I going off SM’, why on Earth did he agree to acknowledge the OP online?
Saying Yes to keep her happy on that day whilst hoping she’d forget was never going to work.
And why saying Yes to something you dont intend to do, especially when it was something you agree on to help your relationship? I mean at the very least, if understand he isn’t bothered and can’t be a arsed to make an effort tbh.