DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

@jbm16 I think you have missed the point entirely.

I'm not sure I have, she clearly has relationship and trust issue, and is potentially making something out of nothing, people stop using social media and posting their lives for other reasons than having an affair. She mentioned he's stopped posting about children as well, expecting your partner to post and like things about you is rather strange, and trying to force them to is rather pathetic.

I would suggest reading into anxious attachment style as this may be impacting how you feel about this. Also the anxious-avoidant attachment dance is interesting to learn about.

my fiancé also no longer posts, and I had an issue with this for some time until I learnt about my attachment style and learnt to reframe situations like this.

Ok… so I interact with “friends” on social media that are not really close friends necessarily but ppl that are not enough of a priority for me to engage with outside of the odd interaction. My relationship is completely off social media. We are “friends” on FB but haven’t linked our profiles or put up a relationship status with one another. Reason? I don’t need it on social media, mainly we both use social media to have a laugh at the fun posts and spoof sites, but we don’t need the whole world knowing the ins and outs of our relationship or what we are doing cos we’d rather just enjoy our time together. I’m struggling to understand why this is such a big deal? If it’s about making u feel valued etc. there are so many other ways to do that. If it’s that you suspect there is something going on that’s untoward, social media posts are not going to solve that or make it any less of an issue. There’s 2 ways to look at this: either u trust him and you accept his explanation that he’s not wanting to put everything out on social media, or u don’t trust him and you need to figure out why that is and what’s happening on your relationship to make you feel that way and see if there’s any way to move forward from this.

@Igetolderbutneverwiser reading between the lines, you are wondering if he is involved, or planning to be involved, with someone else? He is interacting with everyone except you in a bid to either hide the fact that he’s in a relationship, or at least, not in a regular/happy one?

You’re right. I have been thinking exactly this recently.
It’s hard when you know some things don’t sit right with you but it’s all seemingly “little things”

Thank you for clarifying.
It seems like he’s just not approved it to go on his timeline, which is odd when he will have had to approve other photos posted by relatives for his birthday, so he will have seen mine if he’s seen theirs. Plus some of our mutual friends commented on mine, so even if he missed the initial tag, he would have been notified of their comments.

Feeling pretty rubbish with it all whirling around my head this morning, luckily had a very busy day in work so a welcome distraction

Yes. I think more likely if there is something, it will be that he’s trying to make out he’s not in a regular/happy marriage. He does have a photo of us on his profile, so of course that seems obvious he’s not “hiding” me, but I’ve known of people do this when interested in someone else and then make out they just haven’t used SM for ages (and the lack of posts backs it up), or they say they don’t want their family knowing that there’s relationship issues.
There’s too many things pointing in both directions so I do keep thinking that I’m just being sensitive and imagining things.

Its reasonable to feel like something isnt right in your relationship. But your facebook obsession make you appear immature and needy

It would be wise for you both to step away from social media (for someone who is rarely on it you seem to be a bit too obsessed about the posts your DH isnt putting up) and start focussing on your relationship like an adult.

What is he like on a day to day basis? What has actually changed between you? Is it conversations, physical issues, jobs, working hours, contribution to the relationship etc

Have you changed anything about yourself?

Maybe your just changing/not changing or growing as individuals.

Maybe he is just bored of social media, it does happen.

It’s not a SM obsession, if you read my updates and PP responses about relationship issues they have encountered off the back of changes in SM activity, it’s clear what my issue is.

I’m very much an adult. If things were okay otherwise I wouldn’t have questioned it, as I said there have been things in the past which I didn’t doubt him about and now adding them up is making me wonder.

Happy to accept and obviously hoping if this is just him simply bored of SM as he’s gotten older.

I think your worry about social media may be a red herring. Maybe it symbolises the distance or drifting you are feeling and that can make any of us feel insecure. Perhaps it would be more proactive to work on getting the closeness back, do things together that remind you both how much you enjoy each others company. No need to put it out in the public either - some people aren't keen on that - me included!

I felt this way during a long term relationship and I honestly thought he wasn't interested in 'being public' with me as he never posted about 'us' or liked my stuff - I know now that people use SM in different way and he used his more to high five mates and show his individuality with the stuff he was promoting etc.

Nowadays I really, really can't be arsed with the pictures posting aspect of social media. I must go on those platform once a month for 5 minutes and do a flurry of a few likes, laughs and sending hugs here and there. I literally scroll for 5 minutes then get board. I never read any notifications and there are hundreds built up and I really really CBA. I do read any PM's though.

I'd focus on planning something excellent to do with your partner - maybe plan something you both would really love to do. City break? Paragliding? A party?

My anxiety is bad enough right now without me trying paragliding! Haha.
Thanks for your input. Spending more quality time together is something we have been working on, just not enough. I like your idea of an activity rather than just the usual meal/drink date.

Find something that get's the adrenalin going if you can. Apparently, the reason so many people propose at the top of the Eiffel Tower is due to the shared mutual terror in getting up there!
Do something that scares/thrills you both and you'll likely bond closer - according to the science!

That’s interesting. I’ve never heard of that but it makes sense

Are you both 14?

I really think that if his profile picture shows you both then you don't have much to worry about, that seems like really unlikely behaviour if he was cheating.

Says the person with “30yearoldvirgin” as their username

Why is there so many against this lady calling her names ? She’s literally having a gut feeling something is wrong! I say trust your gut feelings as I had a gut feeling about a ex that’s was spending an awful lot of time on the phone with a cousin he’s not seen for decades. I was asked why he was not allowed to speak to his family? Next thing I know he’s disappeared never to be seen again. He made a new life with her, married her and had kids with her.

I had a gut feeling and was made to feel stupid when mentioned, his change in attitude and the things he no longer done didn’t sit right.

Trust gut instincts what ever they may be !

Eh? I don’t get your point?

Why are you so obsessed with him posting on social media? He’s right there, just talk to him! How is he otherwise?

OP it sounds like you would like him to put gushing posts declaring his love for you on FB on Valentines or on your anniversary for example, and see everyone put hearts and comments on it.
If he used to do stuff like that but now doesn’t, maybe he’s just gone off it, finds it cringey and attention-seeking or thinks it’s boring and foolish to do so when you’re right there in front of him for him to tell you he loves and appreciates you.
If everything else is OK between you - talking, appreciating each other, sex etc. - then I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He’s not trying to hide you, maybe he just doesn’t feel the need to share everything. Many of us don’t (and I do love FB, just not for that).

He interacts with his friends on social media as he doesnt live with them or see them daily like I presume he does you.

I found just reading this post annoying so being asked to do something by a partner after telling them numerous times I didnt wish to would be extremely iritating to me

my dh doesn't post anything. literally 0. he's only got facebook to be nosy. he asked me not to post things about him or tag him too because he finds it really embarrassing.
no he's not having an affair, he's just really old fashioned, different culture and a 45 year old bloke

The point is that my DH used to. It’s not SM that’s my issue as such, it’s his change in behaviour on there. I could obviously accept if he just wasn’t bothered with it anymore but he “likes” and comments on friends posts all day long but not the odd thing I put on for a birthday/special occasion. He has allowed others to add photos of him expressing birthday wishes but has not allowed mine on to his profile. It’s odd.

He has allowed others to add photos of him expressing birthday wishes but has not allowed mine on to his profile. It’s odd.
Yep dodgy as hell. Blatant even. He has someone as a friend on Facebook who doesn’t know he has a wife and he wants to keep it that way.