DH refused request, feeling conflicted

[Igetolderbutneverwiser]

I don’t know if this will sound childish or whether I have valid reasons for feeling how I do, but it’s driving me crazy questioning myself.

DH and I have been having ups and downs for a while. We previously discussed some things that we would like and need in the relationship to improve things.
One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

On the surface I do completely understand that it’s his choice and it is only social media; we aren’t kids, it’s not like our life revolves around it. And he has also stopped posting things about his DC. But I keep questioning why he suddenly stopped and why he’s so firm about not doing it. I just think if it was me, even if I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it, if it meant something to him I’d do it, if there was no reason not to.
And from another perspective, I’ve done things that have been a much bigger ask/sacrifice for him.

My mind is jumping, one minute feeling like he’s purposely “hiding” me (though as he’s not posting about his DC either then perhaps not?), the next that he’s just genuinely gone off using it and feels like he shouldn’t have to start up again just because I’ve said something.

It’s actually not about social media, I’m not overly active on it myself (cut down to barely anything since he stopped as it feels a bit weird), just that he’s so against it and reacted so badly towards me that it’s not sitting right with me.

Why do you want everyone to know your business?

(I think it's weird, never mention my /family birthday etc)

On the one hand, yeh yeh, agree with all the advice to focus on actual relationship rather than how he presents the relationship.

But if he acts like a single man on fb, that'd concern me even if he was LOVELY to my face. There's a difference between not posting and acting single though.

You want him to publicly value you. I get that, but YOU value you. Right? And if you did value yourself, would you put up with a sub par relationship??

💯💯💯 I can definitely see why OP is concerned

You are tedious or 12

Would you say then, that the problem is that he's not showing you attention/romantic interest in a way you would like?

I ask as I've never been bothered about Valentine's day but as a younger newly married woman, my peers were always very insistent that their partners/husbands took them out for a meal, bought them flowers, cards, etc.
However, in their cases, it was sometimes that these sorts of occasions were the only times that their significant others seemed to invest. That and birthdays.

Different things are important to different people and it's neither right nor wrong to have a preference. However, if you have widely opposing views and expectations then at some point one of you will feel let down, the other will feel put upon.

When you say he sometimes puts in a good effort - what does he do? Does he generally do his share with housework/childcare/shopping/cooking/life admin?

Yes but instead of addressing it head on she's appearing to use his lack of social media posting as the entry point to the discussion.

While I understand your concerns over possible changes around your DH - it isn't beyond the realms of understanding that he may simply not be bothered for it anymore.
Peoples outlooks do change as we are open to amending our behaviour when something no longer suits us. It doesn't mean there is necessarily anything wrong but I see people on Facebook who post every minute detail and others that post once in a while. Neither is wrong but are you looking for a problem with your DH?

Op is being childish to be honest. SM postings are unimportant and often cringeworthy.

Has he stopped posting on social media altogether or just stopped posting about his relationship? If he is always posting about everything else he does, id find it odd to suddenly be excluded from his posts. If he just generally doesn’t bother anymore, id say he’s like a lot of people and has come to the realisation that social media is shit. Which shouldn’t be something you argue about really.

OP, this is not a good sign...So This is my view of the situation, I could be wrong, of course:

The only likely reason I can think of for this kind of change in his SM behaviour is that there is someone who he doesn't want to see anything suggesting that your marriage is doing well. He could, of course, decide that SM is vain and stupid but if it was the case he would explain it to you, reassure you and probably remove his SM profile altogether. But currently it looks like he has a presence online with you deliberately removed from the overall picture.

Try posting something "romantic" of you two and tag him in, see what happens?... Though I would not bother. He seems quite nasty to you; I think its 99% certain he is ether having an affair/ have someone in sight.

And... To everyone posting nasty shit to OP re: SM use - well, I hope it made you feel big and clever, you sad sad bully...

I think it’s very telling of someone who used to be so active and then not anymore. TBF I’ve cut down too and not on FB as much as previously, however I would never get defensive about my lack of posting which is how I’ve read he’s become from OP’s post. Anyways as I’ve mentioned my then BF did the same always posting pictures of us together etc…. Then all of sudden stopped and then he deactivated his account which caught my suspicions amongst other things. Including weekends away and hiding his phone….. this is when my gut was telling me he was cheating and unfortunately at the time I was right. However in hindsight it was one of the best things to ever happen to me! I could finally be free of a toxic relationship!

DH’s effort is inconsistent these days. Sometimes he’s affectionate, sometimes he will do a bit of basic housework, sometimes we will go out. The life admin falls completely to me.
It’s like if he’s in a good mood and we are in a good place he will do things but otherwise he just downs tools in every aspect. Whereas I just keep trying to carry on as normal, but obviously less affectionate because I’m so frustrated or drained from doing everything.
In fairness he does always ask how my day is regardless of what’s going on.

My worry about SM was that he could have a friend on there who he doesn’t want to show his “real life” to, whether it be because there is something going on or because he wants there to be. I hate that it’s even crossed my mind as I want to completely trust him, I just felt so uncomfortable by his refusal and his reaction.
I can’t see his friends except mutual ones, it’s been like this for years (I’m sure before we got married) but even if I could I don’t think anything would stand out to me as we both have male & female friends/acquaintances/work colleagues.

I’m worried that either I’m thinking the worst of him unfairly which I know isn’t good for us, or that I’ve been completely naive

OP, this is not good, I'm afraid. Your instincts are telling you something is going on - and they are pretty much never wrong. If anything, he should be as invested in this relationship as you are, and it doesn't seem to be the case - from your posts. Why are you twisting yourself into knots while he is not evet trying to hide when he is in the "meh" mood? Why it seems like its entirely up to you to keep this relationship from falling apart? This is not how it should be.

I also find it very strange that you cant see his friends - WTF is that?? This is a major red flag. I'm sorry, but I'm pretty much sure its not a "friend" he is hiding you from, OP.

My social media profile is set as private as possible to reduce the amount of scammers and nosey prying parkers. I have no personal info on social media and most adults that I know on social media do likewise.

Ok, arrange a date night, take a photo either with him or a random photo of something to do with it. Post it and tag him in. Nothing gushy, just a simple 'great meal and great company at xyz tonight. Date night!'
See what happens.
Rinse and repeat every couple of weeks/once a month etc.
If he leaves it there, likely there is no issue. If he untags himself, then I think you have a problem.

Thank you for the suggestion 🙂 Unfortunately I think even if I tag him he can keep it off his profile, there are settings where you have to approve the tag for it to go on your profile. I think even if he doesn’t approve it, it will still show there for me because I was the one who posted it.
I did tag him in something a while ago, I don’t know whether he approved it or not, but he didn’t like/comment

Thank you for checking in 💐

It was a horrible few days of arguing because as far as he was concerned I was in the wrong and he wasn’t willing to make an effort to calmly discuss/resolve.
I’ve just got on with it the past few days, trying to think things through and let things settle.

I do work, yes. I also have friends but I don’t like to discuss these things with them, I don’t know why

Because his reaction was perfectly normal and reasonable. OP just won't take no for an answer and is being pushy. At least three times he's told her he's not doing that anymore and she won't accept it. That's her problem, not his.

One of the things that I said was that I’ve noticed that he doesn’t post things on social media anymore, and I find it strange that he just stopped. He said that he just doesn’t bother now. But even when it’s been something significant he hasn’t posted anything, which he would have done once upon a time, nor does he even acknowledge things that I post as I know he does with friends. I said it would be nice for him to do that again.

I mentioned it again when it was Valentine’s Day and he said he’s told me before that he doesn’t do it anymore. I reminded him that I had expressed that it would be nice to be acknowledged like he does his friends.

Now another occasion has passed, and on the day I said in a playful way “I guess you’ve just not had time to go on social media yet, but there’s still time”
He tried to fob me off at first, then I asked why he was ignoring me and he said quite firmly that he’s told me he doesn’t do it anymore. I asked why he couldn’t make an exception and reminded him of the discussion I’d had with him and how it would just be nice. He snapped at me saying that he’s not doing it and for me to drop it.
I asked why he is so against it and he said just because. I explained that it seems a bit extreme to have such a reaction if there’s no particular reason for not doing it and that it’s making me feel a bit insecure now. Rather than reassure me he just got his back up.

Probably because they wouldn't agree with you

I do get where you are coming from Op. it’s the problems in the marriage leading you to believe he may be trying to “hide” you as it’s not one thing in isolation.
What I’ve learnt in a relationship is that if you keep asking your partner for something that’s important to you emotionally and they refuse, there is def a problem within the relationship at least. I cannot comment on the rest.