Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

Tbh in your stressed and exhausted state it's a wonder you didn't just say "do it"

Sorry OP it is shit. No advice just best wishes

This a thousand times.

Tell me you know nothing about depression without telling me. If you're depressed it's not as easy as just popping off to the GP. Things feel crushing and insurmountable.

Right now, you're the only parent capable of putting the children's needs first. So that's all you need to be focusing on.

IF (and I mean if) he's genuinely depressed, then he needs to seek help, sort himself out and then and only then can you consider some kind of future together - but truthfully, he sounds like he's already got one foot out the door.

And I'm a little horrified that if he really is depressed, you've let him take one of the kids with him........

❤️ Although OP is not in the UK, I’m seconding the shout out to the fab Andy’s Man Club for anyone else reading this

@HesterPrincess Depressed parents should be kept from their children? Eh?

I've seen my fair share of brainless shite me but the some posts on this thread take the cake

The difference between depression, and abusive arsehole, is him putting the responsibility on you.

'i want to die/I feel suicidal' = depression
'you make me want to kill myself' = abuse.

The former is an expression of very low feelings. The second is a way of making you feel like shit and a message that you are responsible for making it better, with the element of fear (he might do it if I'm not good enough at placating him) to ensure control

You are worth so much more. I really hope you get can some professional advice/support (eg women's aid) and get the fuck away from him.

Right. Mentally ill people are always thinking completely rationally and any negative things they say are purposely abusive 🤨🙄

Absolute lol at the 41 year old DJ.

This is the age old story of an entitled male reaching the paunchy Elvis stage of life. He’s being a selfish prick.

He has responsibility to you and the family that he is not meeting. He is failing and blaming you.

But neither of you should be putting him first. You should be putting the children first. Which it sounds like what you at least are trying to do.

This is probably not your dh's situation but after I had dd, mine constantly told me he was depressed. I treaded on eggshells for years round his 'depression'. It turned out the reason he was depressed was because he felt trapped and couldn't be with his ow (girlfriend). Years that I should've been loving my children's' early childhood.

All you can do is offer and try to get him help. If he doesn't try his best, just get out and don't waste precious years.

Yeah totally sounds like he's severely depressed.. weekends away.. DJing and telling his partner she "makes him want to kill himself" Sure 🙄 Even if it is depression. It's his responsibility to get help and it's certainly not his partner or new babies fault

Im confused, I thought you were one of the posters berating people because you believe the OPs DH is suicidal?

Yet simultaneously you are berating posters for being alarmed at the thought of a 6 year old potentially being put in the postion of finding her fathers body if he does commit suicide

Starts to just sound like you think women cant do right in this senario and are to be blamed regardless of what they do

Apologies for awful grammar... TROD on eggshells!!

Well you are wrong. I have had severe and constant depression but I went to the GP because I knew I needed help and my family was owed me trying for them even while I felt as I did.

And that’s fine, because he is also unable to put you first and his needs aside. So that makes you equals, not you an inferior spouse.

I’d say that the situation (plus all the care of the baby and child) are damaging your mental health too. And your children need at least one mentally healthy parent, so you’re putting their needs before both of yours.

And if he thinks he has a diagnosable medical reason that means he can’t put you first then he needs to engage with medical professionals ASAP to get that solved.

Also - you’re not making him want to kill himself. No one can make anyone else want to kill themselves. Suicidal thoughts come from within. How long before he thinks it’s the children that make him feel this way and he repeats what your mother said to you.

Some people aren’t meant to be parents, and your DH sounds like one of them. He’s too immature, not selfless enough.

Unfortunately, it’s entirely on you for having children with such a person. You got yourself into this situation, you need to get yourself out. When he was prevaricating, when he was telling you that you need to give up your time so he has more, when he doesn’t want to get up in the night etc, he was telling you this is your fault, you didn’t stop him. He’s a child masquerading as an adult. But here you are now.

Truthfully, your life will be easier without him. If you want both your kids’ parents around you’ll have to put up with this and/or work on him to change (ie grow up).

@OkPedro Sorry, what does depression sound like to you then? What qualifies as depressed? I honestly did not know it was a one-size-fits-all thing

He killed himself as a result of being a DJ. He was suffering from the stress of celebrity and the DJ lifestyle. He wasn't enjoying being a DJ. He felt he had to do it. Not in any way comparable to OP's DP.

The ones who commit suicide don't go on like this.

'Being a servant to the family', aka 'Being a parent' - women seem to get that but for some reason men think they are being put upon for the slightest disruption to their lives while a woman's life is turned upside down.

I agree with PPs, either he is genuinely depressed, in which case he should own it and get help, or else he is being a selfish bastard.

@SeismicSalad genuinely don't understand your response. If anything my point was that people with genuine mental health issues aren't usually abusing their partners. People who are feeling suicidal often aren't thinking rationally, that doesn't typically turn them into abusers.
I also don't know many people with severe depression who can switch it off at weekends to go partying.

@dimllaishebiaith The OP has said he's a great dad with their eldest. You can be depressed and not imminently kill yourself in front of your child. He wants to spend some time with his eldest, that's great. That particular comment seemed to also be shading OPs judgement a little as if she was mad for letting it happen, which I don't think was nice.

I don't think the OP was mad for letting it happen because I think her DH is using the threat of suicide as a tool to get his way at the moment

That said I had a family member who was a great dad to his son. But nevertheless he killed himself due to his untreated depression and his son was the one who found the body. The son killed himself a few years later. So I understand the other posters reactions to the senario.

But then Im suprised you are bothered by people being "not nice" given the content of your posts

I'd want to be very sure he was safe around the new baby. I think you'd be better off if he left.