Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

However you look at it, he needs to leave. He says you make him want to kill himself. Did he say how you do that?

Him staying isn't fair on you or him.

Partying at weekends is a common coping strategy, as it can temporarily alleviate the pain

@SeismicSalad I think we'll have to agree to disagree.

My vote from what the OP has shared is still that she is not responsible for his feelings and that she would be better off without him. And I'm certainly not someone who throws LTB around on Mumsnet!

@dimllaishebiaith OP herself, the one who actually lives with him, believes he is genuinely depressed - I'm not arsed what you believe

And I'm not especially concerned with coming across as 'not nice', it is absolutely horrendous reading some of these comments. I really believed it was widely recognised that depression has a whole variety of presentations. It's sad to see people saying "ah, that's not depression because this hasn't happened" or "ah, well he wouldn't be doing that if he was depressed"

Anyway, OP I truly hope you both get the support you need. I hope you get a well needed break at some point soon. X

Let’s agree to disagree, and hope you never watch a loved one being suicidal but not meeting your definition of depressed (he’s dead now, but I guess that’s ok as he did like to party at weekends?)

This. Seriously. If you're going to be a single parent anyway, offload the huge toddler that "needs time".

I didn't say he wasnt depressed. I talked about using the threat of suicide as a tool.

I also didn't say you were concerned about coming across as "not nice". In fact its clear you arent concerned about it. So clear, that it's pretty hypocritical to then berate other posters because you think they are coming across as "not nice".

Its also widely recognised, by women who have been around abused women awhile at least, that some men use threats of suicude as a tool to control those around them. And given abuse can escalate around the birth of a child there is nothing wrong in pointing out male patterns of behaviour

I think the OP is getting a balanced view of the fact that she is not responsible for the DHs suicide threat, that she needs to be responsible for the care of the children and if that means leaving the husband either temporarily or permanently then she might have to do that, and that the husband needs mental health care.

But actually the people helping the OP are the people telling her that. Not the few posters attacking the other posters and making out that women are somehow responsible for mens mental health.

Just a deeply selfish man (the DJ shit is pathetic, just cringe-worthy) - immature and totally entitled. Uses the worst weapon to wound you and control you: the threat of suicide.

He's fucking useless. I don’t know what’s easiest for you right now, staying with him or dumping him immediately (which gets my vote but these things aren’t easy with a newborn), but ultimately he has shown himself to be totally inadequate. Sorry OP.

I've had post natal depression and psychosis.. I was also severely depressed as a teenager. It's such a cop out for useless men. I was so unwell yet still expected to pull myself together for the sake of my children. Oh how I would have loved to fuck off and be a DJ and have weekends to myself but what with being depressed and suicidal I didn't much feel up to it

Has he sought professional help is the question?

if not why not.

@dimllaishebiaith I completely agree with everything you've written. OP absolutely should put herself and her children first, even if that means leaving her DH. His depression isn't her responsibility by any means. I suppose I just mean to convey the importance of A. Supporting a partner/friend/relative who's acting very differently/out of character and B. Not assuming someone's not depressed because they do this, that or the other.

Sorry, I didn't actually realise how personally I took it when people deny depression, I completely wandered from the topic at hand.

@OkPedro I experienced the same conditions, only I did opt out and fuck off from reality until I received the help I needed. I also did some wild shit what others may have seen as fun and care free. It wasn't, it was escapism.

Different strokes. This is what I'm trying to get across. Depression is experienced differently by every individual.

@SeismicSalad I lost a parent and a sibling to suicide (one was drugs related) so please don't lecture me about that. I'm under no illusions that people find ways to escape the pain, but that isn't what the OP describes. What the OP describes is everything on her partner's terms. Depression isn't something you get to pick and choose. And whether or not he does have depression, using suicide as a threat is abusive.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself

Male DJs are notorious for this kind of shit. In my role, I work alongside several. They become obsessed, I joke that they think they sang & recorded the tunes they play. Music, audience and the whole excitement and social thing around being a DJ becomes all they think about. I never find this with female DJs. I likely sound as if Im generalising but I don't care because its true.

Your man needs to grow up and stop pouting. You have a baby, and now his histrionics to cope with. He wants out of family life, the DJ & dancefloor awaits. Seems as if he's saying its your fault and so are half of this thread. Ignore it - he is the issue not you. He's blaming you so that when he bails out, he can convince himself and others that you are problematic. He can shape up or ship out. Sadly tho I doubt there'll be a positive outcome.

If he was actually suicidal this is not something you should have allowed or he would have managed to do. I’ve been suicidal and had severe depression I could not even get dressed.

Your husband needs to leave and you focus on your children.

I have never written this: LTB. He’s not a good father. A good father models good behaviour. He’s not doing that. He’s behaving appallingly. Would you be happy if your kids had a partner who treated them this way? You, and your kids, deserve so much better.

We could argue forever about whether he's genuinely depressed. He probably is to some extent. I think most parents (both mums and dads) of non-sleeping small babies feel a bit depressed at least some of the time.

However if you're a parent you can't just opt out of looking after your child, and opt out of supporting your partner.

OP you said he was previously a good husband and dad. So here's a slightly more sympathetic response from me. I think I'd be tempted to have a serious talk with him, and outline what you can and can't manage. You can sort things so he gets some free time to DJ or whatever if that means a lot to him. But you need support too. You can't be responsible for trying to solve his depression while you're looking after two small kids. You need him to take baby sometimes (for longer than 10 mins) so you can rest.

You could also reassure him that it can be hard for dads to bond with a newborn that just wants to cry or feed. But he needs to take baby sometimes anyway, to build that bond, and then they will eventually love their dad like their big sister does. The baby stage is hard but it's short in the scheme of things.

However it's absolutely unacceptable for him to be blaming you for his depression or saying you are making him suicidal. That is terrible and absolutely not on.

It is possible to be depressed and an obnoxious despicable bastard at the same time.

He should seek help if he’s depressed, it’s wrong to make you feel responsible for everything that he feels, and it’s wrong to punish you for having the baby, as this baby didn’t make themselves, he knows that, right??
It’s quite sickening to read here about all these “depressed” husbands who have checked out mentally and physically when it gets hard.. When there are kids in the equation, especially young kids, there’s no Me and You, he needs to grow up and be a man!

Nah tell him to sod off!!! He’s not taking responsibility is he for his own issues. You aren’t making him do anything and I’d shut that right down!!! How dare he. He wants to be single - end of story. Sorry - I hope you have real life support. 🌺

But do you realise that it works both ways though?
We can't assume someone isn't abusive and manipulative just because they say they're depressed.

Many, many women have been abused under the guise of 'depression'.
It's like all someone has to do is say the word and then they get away with so much shit.

His behaviour is more in line with abuse than depression, so I would assume it's the more obvious one.

You said you take it personally when people deny depression, but unfortunately there's a serious consequence from always taking depression seriously and it's that another cohort of people suffer and are abused (mostly women). Me and many other women have been harmed by how we have been conditioned to always take these threats seriously no matter what, even if the 'depression' seems extremely selective about when it appears to pop up.

The samaritans say to always take this seriously, but what they fail to ever mention is the manipulation and how those who take their partners 'depression' seriously when it's actually abuse often end up massively depressed or suicidal themselves. I can understand why they approach it how they do because they want to stop being committing suicide but that does not change the fact that other people are harmed by manipulative people who claim to be depressed or suicidal. They're collateral damage.

So some of us take it personally when that isn't acknowledged.

Personally I'd be asking him "when are you going to the doctor? because I am not going to be your punching bag" and if he doesn't bother going then we'd be over.

@Onand comments about the male suicide rate being higher really need a bit more thought. You know those figures include men who kill themselves after killing their partners or while awaiting trial for child sex crimes?? Until figures are provided that don’t include these groups then we really have no idea if there are more men struggling with depression and having suicidal thoughts than women.

OP I’d make him a doctors appointment for a time while your oldest is at school and go with him. There are a variety of treatments for depression and he should be using all of them not just the ones which suit him and mean he abdicates his responsibilities to you

I don’t know much about depression, except from my own limited and thankfully short lived experience, but I know when I was really down it affected everything in my life, home, work, relationships. I wasn’t able to go off and fully embrace some parts of my life but not cope with the rest of it, it was all encompassing, so find it a bit strange that someone is able to go off and enjoy doing their own thing without any problems.

I might sound harsh but this sounds like someone deliberately choosing to ignore their home life and responsibilities in order to selfishly pursue their own interests.

Lol my sons Dad was a DJ. It was his job though not a hobby.

Are you 1000% sure there isn’t someone else or given his new interest in being a DJ he isn’t just hankering after a life as a single man with no children

Personally I would let him go and move on (he has a lot of growing up to do and work to do on his self and whether there is anyone else or not, he clearly doesn’t want to be with you and dc

Next time he tells you that you make him want to kill himself. Tell him you understand and don’t want him to feel driven to such drastic action and maybe it’s best if you both went your separate ways.