Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

Such an assumption … my dh has severe depression and is on citalopram 40mg for life but I don’t think this is depression, it’s just selfish man syndrome because he can’t live the life he wants to live. If he genuinely feels it’s depression he needs to seek some help. If he really cared about his family he would want to do that.

It's a really tough time for both of you but there are no excuses for his actions. None of this is because of you or could be stopped by you. He is pathetic and weak.

The suggestion above to leave temporarily is a great one.

Your children are your priority. He is his. Leave him to it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've done nothing wrong.

@Doteycat Go on then mate, how am I wrong?

A set of presumably fully grown women are here collectively giving shit to a bloke who has admitted how badly depressed he is, and you're embarrassed for me? Crikey

Go and re-read the OP’s first post and swap the roles.

Can you imagine a mother doing even half the things this selfish pos is doing? And being so vile as to tell her that she specifically “makes him want to kill himself” when he knows her mother said that to her as a child causing her years of pain. Depression doesn’t turn someone into such a nasty, uncaring monster. He let his wife who was sore and recovering from giving birth drag his dcs out for hours just to give him quiet - and take them alone on a four day holiday to give him space.

Ive never heard the like before in my life!

OP - you know life doesn’t have to be like this? This is not normal behaviour from a loving partner. My dh has his faults but he’s never done anything close to what this bellend is putting you through. It’s so glaringly obvious this is not depression but a convenient excuse to get out of doing any of the boring stuff and use his free time to play at being an international DJ (again 🙄🙄🙄) whilst the poor op runs herself ragged facilitating his selfish desires.

If you honestly read that first post and come to the conclusion that he’s genuinely ill and not just a selfish twat you need your head testing.

@Pigeonqueen Assumption how? From what I've read the OPs husband has expressed several times openly that he feels very depressed, is unhappy and feels OP has called all the shots etc. Where's the assumption?

I'm not saying it's ok, it's not, depressed people can be fucking dicks, I've seen it and been there myself. I'm saying they both need the correct support and he needs to go to the GP.

Don't be ridiculous! We know a selfish, manipulative, cruel arsehole when we see one!!!

The OP has given birth a few weeks ago - WTF about her?!

When I had a bout of depression that made me want to spend most of the day in bed crying, I still got up and looked after my kid. I still did my job. I had to force myself. It was awful but I made myself uphold my responsibilities.

It is true that doing things that make you happy can help you find a way out of your depression. So no doubt DJing has a good effect for him. But now is not the time - he has a newborn baby ffs. He needs to find other ways to access that happy feeling that don't leave you without any kind of support. He wants to go away for the weekend? Well he needs to organise some help for you before he even thinks about it. Can't get up in the night? He needs to hire a night nurse so you can sleep/get a break. He is being so incredibly selfish and probably needs a wake up call to force him to see it.

As somebody with extensive personal experience of depression what OP describes doesn't read like her partner has depression. It reads as though he is wanting the life of a single man - taking up DJing when his partner is pregnant/ just given birth to a second child? That reads to me like checking out of family responsibility to act like a single man.
I think it is shameful OP is having to take on all the responsibility of the children whilst he expects to do his own thing and whilst he is also emotionally tormenting her.
I agree with pp who have said she would be much better off if he just left.

How are you wrong?
Let me make this simple for you.
Hes a manipulative abusive cunt.
What part of that do you not understand?

Ahh, thought so.

I’m only surprised you didn’t start your first post with “man here!”….

Ice Queens responsible for male suicide rates??

Fuck, I've heard it all now.

Oh and i am not your 'mate'.
I wldnt associate with people that think like you..

What a nasty man. Please look after yourself and your children and ask him to get help, start behaving like a father or leave. You shouldn’t have to put up with any of this. Unforgivable to blame you, a new mother struggling to help him, for his unstable mood. Don’t put up with this

There are four kinds of emotionally immature parents, according to Gibson: driven parents, who try to perfect everyone around them; passive parents, who avoid all conflict; rejecting parents, who don’t seem to enjoy being with their child at all; and emotional parents, who have mood swings, are emotionally inconsistent and need others to stabilize them.

Article on the guardian today about adults who are emotionally immature.

Anything recognisable OP?

Lol, very much a woman thanks.

The only reason I'm even commenting on this thread is because I've been in similar shoes to OPs husband. I had severe PND after the birth of my third child, I resented both DH and my own newborn and my mind was constantly occupied with how I was going to escape the situation I'd created for myself and then felt trapped in. I spent much of my time completely relinquishing parenting to DH and generally avoiding being a partner or a mother. It was awful. Thank fuck he stuck around encouraged me to speak to the GP and gave me the support I needed to get better.

But of course, OPs husband is a bloke, how dare he be depressed!! Lazy bastard!! Grow up, pull yourself together man!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was referring to the assumption made that those of us who have said the dh is being a selfish arsehole have no experience of male depression. That assumption. Which is very incorrect.

Maybe he does need professional help and support. But maybe you need it more. As well as having to cope with parenting virtually single handed, you have been handed a big plate of shit. Your partner has basically said that YOU are responsible for finding a way to make him better. You are naturally resentful as you don’t have this to give. And instead of a companion adult you have an adult infantilising himself by handing you this responsibility. What would happen if you spelled it out that your priorities are, and have to be the children and he needs to seek other help and support? What would happen if you said that you would like counselling support because of being left alone to deal with this?

OP I have a family member whose husband used suicide threats to make her do all the parenting, the housework, the mental load, everything whilst he swanned around skateboarding and surfing and generally checking out of life.

He didnt kill himself, he had an affair and left. But I watched her make herself smaller and smaller to suit the little box he wanted to keep her in over the years and it was horrible.

Dont let him do this to you. Your life would currently actually be easier without him because you wouldnt be dragging yourself out of the house and you wouldnt be walking on eggshells and you wouldnt be being upset by him

If you want to give him another chance then he needs to be accessing all the mental health care he can, immediately

But if he doesn't then hes going to keep using this as a stick to beat you with every time something happens he doesn't like

@Pigeonqueen Oh, my bad!

Thanks for all your supportive comments and for the anger felt on my behalf! I am surprisingly an strong-minded, educated and professional woman yet I feel so unable to stand my ground and am easily convinced I am in the wrong (or am typically unable to convince dh that I am right). He is a fantastic father to our eldest and loves her so much. When he is in a good place, he is a wonderful husband who is demonstrative in his love and appreciation and it feels so good to be loved that way by someone who I (used to?) respect. That's why I think I want to believe he is actually depressed and that his depression is making him selfish and vindictive. I do have my doubts though but I also want my kids to grow up with both parents around.

No-one 'makes' someone else want to kill themselves (unless they're very seriously abusive which of course you're not). He's being emotionally manipulative.

When does he show the same care and concern for your feelings and your wellbeing, that you seem to show for his?

It's true that depression can make people selfish, in which case he needs to go to his GP and get professional help. Tell him this, and that you're not able to do it, as well as caring for a newborn and a 6-yr old.

Adjustment disorder? That's a new one on me. They give a name to everything these days. I can understand people struggling to adjust after some sort of life-changing and traumatic incident, but the arrival of a baby?

Seems to me that he is an egocentric, self-absorbed, self-centred bastard who hates the baby getting all the attention from you, and wants to spend his time doing what he wants instead of knuckling down and getting on with family life.

You would be far better off without the useless fucker.

Honestly? I think he would see it as further evidence of me being unable to put him first and my needs aside.

Did he used to be a nice partner or has ge always been weak and elusive?

He should be ashamed of himself.