Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

[AmberMoose]

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

You have no evidence that he's depressed.

His behaviour is far more in line with abuse and manipulation than depression.

I would be completely disgusted and ashamed if my son treated his wife this way.

Same - my advice would still be the same, get rid of him.

You beat me to it.

No evidence he's an abuser tho 🙄 can't work out if this is a genuine comment or a piss take tbh.

OP, he is checking out of family life. It doesn’t make a huge amount of difference right now whether this is because he can’t cope because of depression, or he won’t cope because he’s an arse. You can’t cure his depression and you can’t stop him being an arsehole. If he’s already fallen for another woman, you can’t change that either.

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, you can have a trial separation while he tries to beat the depression. This gives him the space away from family life he “needs”. You can set up the GP appointment and go from there. You can both see if with a bit of “space”, things improve. You will at least know you tried, and you’ll have time without a petulant self-centred person putting all his worries and stress onto you.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out 👋

I very much suspect either he's acting out the script ( I'm sorry OP) or OW has dumped him (blocked on social media etc) and he's taking it out on OP even more.

I would bet my last £ he's not depressed at all. Maybe rebuffed but that is it. What a bustard.

Read him the riot act. You do not deserve to be treated so disrespectfully.

As for those of you (@Icantpaint @Daz57) - what are you on? OP's husband has treated her appallingly and that's OK cos as a psychologist, he's using 'depression' as an excuse for cheating?

I have to say that your posts on this thread have been singularly unhelpful. If it’s a choice between supporting a post partum mother or a man who believes that DJing is a viable option when his wife and children clearly need him, then I know where my sympathies lie. He is a selfish, entitled man child and if he really is clinically depressed (which I doubt) he needs to get it sorted.

A lot of people are stepping away from MN … too many spiteful comments and you are a prime example.

This is bizarre. Why is male mental health always a female's problem to sort out?

I think he's genuinely not coping.
But it doesn't matter if it's genuine or not.
He's not a partner. Leave him.

Looks like there might be another woman sadly.

My friends husband went through this exact same situation. He never recovered and did kill himself. Roughly same ages. Now she's left to raise a not even 1 year old and 8 year old. He suffered depression his whole life. The baby, which he did not want must have tipped him over the edge.

I say all this to say that I know it sounds like he's being a dick but I'd try and get him help.

Good luck OP

I hope you never hinted to your friend that she was responsible for his actions @threeisacharm18 , like you’re suggesting to the OP. That’s really not fair.

Amazing. Ever since seeing the campaigns around men's post natal mental health I've been waiting for someone to say that PND is actually worse for men than women, and here it is. It's embarrassing frankly, but it felt inevitably with the ongoing prioritisation of men's health more generally.

Please, let’s not say someone “succeeded” in killing themselves.

say they’ve “completed”.

Yeah that’s what I said.

Fucks sake. “Talk about your feelings guys!”

ah someone did. “What a prick. Divorce him. Pussy. “

Well his feelings were that his wife made him want to kill himself so yes she should probably divorce him 🤔

Do you think that men talking about their feelings means that women are supposed to be their emotional punchbags?

Do you think that the campaigns telling men to talk about their feelings meant stuff like what the OP said her husband said???

No, they quite clearly mean to talk and to get the appropriate help. This man knows exactly where to get the appropriate help also. He's choosing not to.

Don’t be ridiculous. We all, ALL say things in the heat of the moment, say things we don’t literally mean. Many people struggle with suicidal thoughts and issues - they need help not people encouraging what’s possibly their last anchor to sling them in the bin

yes he should be speaking to the GP, to a therapist, To the Samaritans. Fuck knows I did - but the idea that mothers are the only ones affected by the birth of a child is insane not to mention the idea that listening to one side of a story is enough to make life changing advice to four different people.

the staggering level of thoughtlessness in this thread is depressing in itself

No, only certain people would stoop so low and even out of that group very few would be so disgusting as to say something like that to someone knowing they had previous trauma from hearing it as a child, especially someone who is a provisional psychologist.

And what did he say the morning after? Did he apologise for what he said in the heat of the moment? No, he said it was a weight off his mind.

Your thoughtlessness is what's depressing.

the staggering level of thoughtlessness in this thread is depressing in itself

The only thing staggeringly thoughtless is the fact that the conclusion you have come to, having read all of the op’s posts (have you actually read them?) is that her dh is the one who deserves sympathy and help.

You are either extremely naive and lucky enough to have never suffered abuse and therefore don’t recognise the signs or you are being deliberately obtuse.

Posters making remarks like yourself and spectacularly missing the glaringly obvious red flags in the op’s relationship are embarrassing quite frankly.

You are either extremely naive and lucky enough to have never suffered abuse and therefore don’t recognise the signs or you are being deliberately obtuse.

Or deliberately choosing to continue with a dangerous narrative because you have an agenda.

OPs update suggests another woman. DJing holidays suggest this is not an acute depressive state.

Quite.

Or maybe just thick as mince!

The men and handmaidens want OP to shut up and just let him swan off to his DJ and social life as if he's a single man with no responsibilities. Whilst she does the childcare and picks up the slack at home. Its not the 1950s. Time to evolve.

He's not depressed in the nightclub is he. What is it, selective depression? How is it as a psychologist or whatever he's meant to be, he's not sought help? OP isnt a mental health professional, people speaking as if she can and should sort his depression don't have a clue.

'I'm depressed' and fucks off out. It's a pile of bullshit. As is, those trying to guilt-trip the OP into being a mug with no self-worth, left holding the baby whilst he's off out.

OP you have a child to take care of and that's more important than DJ Depressed. You have more than enough to contend with He'll be ok in the club. Spinning his 'my wife doesn't understand me' pathetic lines. Look after yourselves

Avicii didn’t blame anyone for making him suicidal though, did he? I’ve seen the documentary, Avicii got off a call with his manager agreeing to do another tour and killed himself that same day, no warning or anything.
Hardly the same thing with OP’s husband and suggesting so just because you know of a story about a DJ it’s just ignorant.