Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband depressed after birth of our second child ten weeks ago, says I make him want to kill himself

508 replies

AmberMoose · 18/04/2024 20:38

My husband is depressed, regrets our baby and told me that I make him want to kill himself. I don't know what to do.

First time posting. Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, perhaps some outsider perspective. My husband (41) and I (38) had our second baby 10 weeks ago. We also have a six year old daughter. Conceiving our second was fraught; I really wanted another baby, he was hot and cold. Two miscarriages, two years of trying etc...

Second baby is significantly harder than our first - lots of crying, up 1000 times at night etc - and my husband is not coping. He has checked out and I feel like I am solo parenting our baby. He says he is depressed (post partum depression perhaps?) and is having a major existential crisis. He is so unhappy with our -admittedly, charmed - life and feels like I've been calling the shots over our ten year relationship.

He's recently gotten really into DJing and one of his main complaints is that he is now a servant to our family and has no time for himself. I've been doing all I can to ensure he has free time - I took both kids out of the house when the baby was just a couple of weeks old to give him space when I was still sore and recovering and just wanted to be on the couch. He has taken several trips away to do various things related to his music, I have looked after the kids without complaint, I ask about how he's feeling, listen to him complain (about me and our life), take on additional life admin tasks to take them off his plate... All things he has expressed in the past make him feel loved and cared for.

Two nights ago when I got home after four days away (with both kids to give him space and free time) he says that the key to him feeling better is that he needs to better compartmentalise all his responsibilities and ensure he has enough time for all of them - i.e., more time. For him to have more free time, I need to exchange mine and I feel I have nomore.to give. I am feeling so much resentment towards him. I have been out of the house only twice by myself; I barely have had enough alone time to blow dry my hair over the past two and a half months. I have never asked for help ( I did once and it sent him on a spiral); not even in the middle of the night when I am so exhausted I feel I am about to crack. Never once have i handed him the baby and bottle and begged for an extra hour of sleep. The few times I have told him how hard it is he has essentially told me that ive gotten what I wanted (a baby) and to suck it up. He takes the baby every now and then for like ten minutes, baby cries, husband is like "urgh, no thank you! This baby is hard work!", never once stopping to reflect on what it's like for me during the other 23h and 50 minutes of the day.

He has said once before that he is becoming suicidal. Last night he raised it again and said .. this is a quote " you are making me want to kill myself". I want to say it's the depression talking and I am trying to be compassionate but I am also furious and trying hard not to be. The worst part is that he's not the first person to say that to me, my mum said something similar when I was like 10 (she had significant trauma that was never dealt with I now know and is generally not ok). This morning he hugged me and said he felt like there was a weight of, I hugged him back and we cried but I am left feeling like total shit - a truly horrible person that makes people want to kill themselves.

I am bouncing from rage to guilt to deep shame and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
slippedonabanana · 19/04/2024 15:10

He wants to kill himself except when he is left alone to do as he likes and not mind the baby? Right.

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/04/2024 15:15

"Mr. Sensitive is soft-spoken, gentle, and supportive—when he isn’t being abusive. He loves the language of feelings, openly sharing his insecurities, his fears, and his emotional injuries. He hugs other men. He may speak out about the absurdity of war or the need for men to get in touch with their feminine side. Perhaps he attends a men’s group or goes on men’s retreats. Often he has participated extensively in therapy or twelve-step programs, or reads all the big self-help books, so he speaks the language of popular psychology and introspection. His vocabulary is sprinkled with jargon like developing closeness, working out our issues, and facing up to hard things about myself. He presents himself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex-role limitations. To some women, he seems like a dream come true.
So what’s wrong with this picture? Nothing obvious yet. But this is exactly the problem: Mr. Sensitive wraps himself in one of the most persuasive covers a man can have. If you start to feel chronically mistreated by him, you are likely to assume that something is wrong with you, and if you complain about him to other people, they may think you must be spoiled: You have the New Age man, what more do you want?
The following dynamics are typical of a relationship with Mr. Sensitive and may help explain your feeling that something has gone awry:

• You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren’t sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won’t be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He’ll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she is really looking for is a heartfelt I’m sorry.)

• When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of pop-psychology language (Just let the feelings go through you, don’t hold on to them so much, or It’s all in the attitude you take toward life, or No one can hurt you unless you let them) to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something he did. None of these philosophies applies when you upset him, however.

• With the passing of time, he increasingly casts the blame on to you for anything he is dissatisfied with in his own life; your burden of guilt keeps growing.

• He starts to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may even become threatening or intimidating.

Mr. Sensitive has the potential to turn physically frightening, as any style of abuser can, no matter how much he may preach nonviolence. After an aggressive incident, he will speak of his actions as anger rather than as abuse, as though there were no difference between the two. He blames his assaultive behavior on you or on his emotional issues, saying that his feelings were so deeply wounded that he had no other choice.

This gentle man style of abuser tends to be highly self-centered and demanding of emotional catering. He may not be the man who has a fit because dinner is late but rather erupts because of some way his partner failed to sacrifice her own needs or interests to keep him content. He plays up how fragile he is to divert attention from the swath of destruction he leaves behind him.
The central attitudes driving Mr. Sensitive are:
• I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive.
• As long as I use a lot of psychobabble, no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.
• I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood.
• I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.
• Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
• Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men."

I left my ex fiance in February 2011 after 10 years and this is the most accurate summary I've ever read of him. I've never been quite able to articulate. I could never go to the police because I just didn't have the language to describe the abuse. I really thought no one would believe me.

Sorry to derail... but I am absolutely floored. This section of text is from a book you say?? Which book?
Thank you for posting this. Thank you. I'm extremely shocked right now.

theworldie · 19/04/2024 15:17

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/04/2024 15:15

"Mr. Sensitive is soft-spoken, gentle, and supportive—when he isn’t being abusive. He loves the language of feelings, openly sharing his insecurities, his fears, and his emotional injuries. He hugs other men. He may speak out about the absurdity of war or the need for men to get in touch with their feminine side. Perhaps he attends a men’s group or goes on men’s retreats. Often he has participated extensively in therapy or twelve-step programs, or reads all the big self-help books, so he speaks the language of popular psychology and introspection. His vocabulary is sprinkled with jargon like developing closeness, working out our issues, and facing up to hard things about myself. He presents himself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex-role limitations. To some women, he seems like a dream come true.
So what’s wrong with this picture? Nothing obvious yet. But this is exactly the problem: Mr. Sensitive wraps himself in one of the most persuasive covers a man can have. If you start to feel chronically mistreated by him, you are likely to assume that something is wrong with you, and if you complain about him to other people, they may think you must be spoiled: You have the New Age man, what more do you want?
The following dynamics are typical of a relationship with Mr. Sensitive and may help explain your feeling that something has gone awry:

• You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren’t sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won’t be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He’ll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she is really looking for is a heartfelt I’m sorry.)

• When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of pop-psychology language (Just let the feelings go through you, don’t hold on to them so much, or It’s all in the attitude you take toward life, or No one can hurt you unless you let them) to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something he did. None of these philosophies applies when you upset him, however.

• With the passing of time, he increasingly casts the blame on to you for anything he is dissatisfied with in his own life; your burden of guilt keeps growing.

• He starts to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may even become threatening or intimidating.

Mr. Sensitive has the potential to turn physically frightening, as any style of abuser can, no matter how much he may preach nonviolence. After an aggressive incident, he will speak of his actions as anger rather than as abuse, as though there were no difference between the two. He blames his assaultive behavior on you or on his emotional issues, saying that his feelings were so deeply wounded that he had no other choice.

This gentle man style of abuser tends to be highly self-centered and demanding of emotional catering. He may not be the man who has a fit because dinner is late but rather erupts because of some way his partner failed to sacrifice her own needs or interests to keep him content. He plays up how fragile he is to divert attention from the swath of destruction he leaves behind him.
The central attitudes driving Mr. Sensitive are:
• I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive.
• As long as I use a lot of psychobabble, no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.
• I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood.
• I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.
• Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
• Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men."

I left my ex fiance in February 2011 after 10 years and this is the most accurate summary I've ever read of him. I've never been quite able to articulate. I could never go to the police because I just didn't have the language to describe the abuse. I really thought no one would believe me.

Sorry to derail... but I am absolutely floored. This section of text is from a book you say?? Which book?
Thank you for posting this. Thank you. I'm extremely shocked right now.

It’s from “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. Also look at covert narcissism- a personality disorder which is very similar to the description of Mr Sensitive!

Nanaof1 · 19/04/2024 15:27

@AmberMoose

  • **lastly, yes he's aware of the conversation with my mum as a kid. Whether he remembers it or not, I can't say.

Oh, I think he remembers it quite well. He knows exactly how to manipulate you.

What is a "provisional psychologist"? To me, he seems to be using it to get what he wants. ALL the freedom, all the work done, NONE of the responsibilities. How very nice. For HIM! It sounds lie a lot of doublespeak to basically say, "I want YOU to do everything while I slog along ONLY doing what I want. THAT will make me happy."

To OP's NVDH:
Well, OP's NVDH, I am betting that would make a LOT of people happy. All the benefits of a maid, cook and bottle washer, whilst you stroll off, "finding yourself".

News flash: If you haven't found yourself yet, you weren't looking hard enough. Grow the hell up, be a human being and take responsibility for your life AND your family. If you cannot do this, then please, sod off, so OP can find a MAN worthy of her. 'Cause, at this point, you ain't it.

Imgoingandnevercomingback · 19/04/2024 15:30

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/04/2024 15:15

"Mr. Sensitive is soft-spoken, gentle, and supportive—when he isn’t being abusive. He loves the language of feelings, openly sharing his insecurities, his fears, and his emotional injuries. He hugs other men. He may speak out about the absurdity of war or the need for men to get in touch with their feminine side. Perhaps he attends a men’s group or goes on men’s retreats. Often he has participated extensively in therapy or twelve-step programs, or reads all the big self-help books, so he speaks the language of popular psychology and introspection. His vocabulary is sprinkled with jargon like developing closeness, working out our issues, and facing up to hard things about myself. He presents himself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex-role limitations. To some women, he seems like a dream come true.
So what’s wrong with this picture? Nothing obvious yet. But this is exactly the problem: Mr. Sensitive wraps himself in one of the most persuasive covers a man can have. If you start to feel chronically mistreated by him, you are likely to assume that something is wrong with you, and if you complain about him to other people, they may think you must be spoiled: You have the New Age man, what more do you want?
The following dynamics are typical of a relationship with Mr. Sensitive and may help explain your feeling that something has gone awry:

• You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren’t sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won’t be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He’ll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she is really looking for is a heartfelt I’m sorry.)

• When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of pop-psychology language (Just let the feelings go through you, don’t hold on to them so much, or It’s all in the attitude you take toward life, or No one can hurt you unless you let them) to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something he did. None of these philosophies applies when you upset him, however.

• With the passing of time, he increasingly casts the blame on to you for anything he is dissatisfied with in his own life; your burden of guilt keeps growing.

• He starts to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may even become threatening or intimidating.

Mr. Sensitive has the potential to turn physically frightening, as any style of abuser can, no matter how much he may preach nonviolence. After an aggressive incident, he will speak of his actions as anger rather than as abuse, as though there were no difference between the two. He blames his assaultive behavior on you or on his emotional issues, saying that his feelings were so deeply wounded that he had no other choice.

This gentle man style of abuser tends to be highly self-centered and demanding of emotional catering. He may not be the man who has a fit because dinner is late but rather erupts because of some way his partner failed to sacrifice her own needs or interests to keep him content. He plays up how fragile he is to divert attention from the swath of destruction he leaves behind him.
The central attitudes driving Mr. Sensitive are:
• I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive.
• As long as I use a lot of psychobabble, no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.
• I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood.
• I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.
• Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
• Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men."

I left my ex fiance in February 2011 after 10 years and this is the most accurate summary I've ever read of him. I've never been quite able to articulate. I could never go to the police because I just didn't have the language to describe the abuse. I really thought no one would believe me.

Sorry to derail... but I am absolutely floored. This section of text is from a book you say?? Which book?
Thank you for posting this. Thank you. I'm extremely shocked right now.

Lundy Bancroft. Why Does He Do That?

Sorry you’ve been through this too. It’s so hard because to the outside world you have the perfect man. No one else sees it. His ex and his mum have been at the sharp end but that’s it. He can flip the switch and he’s mr sweetness and light - chatty and open. No one would know he’d just been in a long tirade of verbal abuse at me because I dared question something.

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/04/2024 15:31

theworldie · 19/04/2024 15:17

It’s from “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. Also look at covert narcissism- a personality disorder which is very similar to the description of Mr Sensitive!

Show quote history

Thank you so much!

Thriving30 · 19/04/2024 15:34

I am so saddened with some people's replies on here. I feel really sorry for how your husband is behaving right now but it sounds like he has depression and can't articulate himself properly. He needs support to get through this, the last thing he needs is for you to tell him to fuck off!
I feel like some people on here have no experience with family members in an acute mental health crisis and it's appalling.
There is no excuse for what he said to you though - because it was awful, and I completely understand why you now feel it is your fault, even though it isn't at all. He may be being selfish in your eyes, but that's how depression can make you appear - but really, he's trying to protect his mental health from deteriorating further.

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/04/2024 15:38

kkloo · 19/04/2024 13:25

Because you are ignorant.

We are calling out what looks like abuse, not depression.

You are ignorant to the fact that suicide threats can be used to abuse and manipulate.

You are saying that people calling that out are the reason mens mental health is so taboo and why men suffer in silence, which is nonsense.

Men don't get accused of being abusive for saying they are depressed or suicidal unless there is other behaviour that is going along with it that seems abusive.

What's taboo is the subject that people use suicide threats to abuse, and that their partners (mostly women) are the ones who suffer in silence.

I've shared my opinion on male suicide rates in a previous post on this thread. Long so I'm not rewriting here.

Ops husband seems like he is being abusive so it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that that is called out. The further information that she provided made it seem even more likely. This man is a provisional psychologist, he knows what help is available. I am presuming he needed many hours of mandatory therapy himself along the way with this career path also. He is not someone who needs to be dragged out of bed and brought to a doctors appointment. If he was depressed he knows exactly what to do and where to go and should go, but instead he's choosing to be awful to the OP and then head off DJ'ing.

No one wants men to kill themselves, but some of us want women to stop being abused by men who make suicide threats in order to manipulate also.

Show quote history

My gods, well said

Newnamesameoldlurker · 19/04/2024 15:38

ShoesoftheWorld · 19/04/2024 14:37

When he is in a good place, he is a wonderful husband who is demonstrative in his love and appreciation

When he's in a good place, aka when things are going his way.

Provisional psychologist means he's still training, right? Then he should be well aware of the need to self-reflect, of his own limitations and of the need to get support from other professionals if necessary. I can't imagine his supervisor would be impressed, at all, if s/he knew he was expressing suicidality but doing nothing about it. In all honesty, the next time he comes out with something like this I think you need to tell him you're so concerned that you're going to speak to his supervisor (and, I suspect, watch his tune change fast). I hope there isn't a next time, though, for your sake and also because I do think you need to think about the relative merits of being alone and being so badly accompanied.

100% agree with this re telling his supervisor. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. The fact that he's a psychologist makes it worse. As others have said, he knows exactly how to get help. His argument that he can just use CBT etc on himself is clearly bogus - as its not working?! Him telling you that you make him want to kill himself is completely unforgivable - it would be from any partner, but the fact that he's a psychologist and should know the impact of a statement like this on someone else again makes it so much worse.

Imgoingandnevercomingback · 19/04/2024 15:39

Thriving30 · 19/04/2024 15:34

I am so saddened with some people's replies on here. I feel really sorry for how your husband is behaving right now but it sounds like he has depression and can't articulate himself properly. He needs support to get through this, the last thing he needs is for you to tell him to fuck off!
I feel like some people on here have no experience with family members in an acute mental health crisis and it's appalling.
There is no excuse for what he said to you though - because it was awful, and I completely understand why you now feel it is your fault, even though it isn't at all. He may be being selfish in your eyes, but that's how depression can make you appear - but really, he's trying to protect his mental health from deteriorating further.

He’s feeling ok enough to go on holidays and DJ. Doesn’t sound like acute depression to me. I’m sure he is down. Those early years are hard. Especially with a difficult to settle baby, but it’s not ok for him to make her put her needs to one side in service of his. Her mental health matters too. She matters too.

SoundTheSirens · 19/04/2024 15:44

Thriving30 · 19/04/2024 15:34

I am so saddened with some people's replies on here. I feel really sorry for how your husband is behaving right now but it sounds like he has depression and can't articulate himself properly. He needs support to get through this, the last thing he needs is for you to tell him to fuck off!
I feel like some people on here have no experience with family members in an acute mental health crisis and it's appalling.
There is no excuse for what he said to you though - because it was awful, and I completely understand why you now feel it is your fault, even though it isn't at all. He may be being selfish in your eyes, but that's how depression can make you appear - but really, he's trying to protect his mental health from deteriorating further.

And many of us do have experience with family members in acute mental health crisis and can tell the difference between that and manchild manipulation.

Megifer · 19/04/2024 15:49

Thriving30 · 19/04/2024 15:34

I am so saddened with some people's replies on here. I feel really sorry for how your husband is behaving right now but it sounds like he has depression and can't articulate himself properly. He needs support to get through this, the last thing he needs is for you to tell him to fuck off!
I feel like some people on here have no experience with family members in an acute mental health crisis and it's appalling.
There is no excuse for what he said to you though - because it was awful, and I completely understand why you now feel it is your fault, even though it isn't at all. He may be being selfish in your eyes, but that's how depression can make you appear - but really, he's trying to protect his mental health from deteriorating further.

Have you actually read the ops posts? Op gave him space while she was still recovering, continues to do so, doesnt seem to make a fuss while he disappears off DJing, does the life admin so he feels cared for, he doesn't look after his own child and tells op she's making him want to kill himself.

This is one loooooong arse acute MH crisis.

I watched my mum have several bipolar episodes, my gran have a mental break that landed her in a psych ward for 5 months, my Dad with his PTSD, and my own (actual) PND. And have supported several employees through MH issues (most of which caused by a man I might add). So I do have experience and I think ops husband may well have depression (to be clear, id bet my house on him not being depressed at all, this whiffs of a mid life crisis, suck it up), but he's certainly not in the grips of a MH crisis ffs

Mgup · 19/04/2024 15:49

For posters saying if he didn't want another child, he should have had a vasectomy or used a condom, else this should be taken as agreement to have another child are naive at best and this is why many women end up as single parents!

We constantly shout on here, he is showing you who he is believe him, should apply the principle here

OP's DH had said repeatedly that he didn't want another child, appeared to 'blow hot and cold' on the issue, but in reality, only agreed during those 'up' periods for a quiet life, and re not using a condom during sex,....sorry to be crass, just wanted unprotected sex which 'felt better' without a condom, playing devils advocate, you could argue that the OP tried to 'get her own way' by having a baby her husband never wanted and is now dealing with the fall out from this

We all know how hard parenting is, and whilst some have the ability to 'dig deep' and keep parenting during the hard stages, I believe it would be extremely difficult to parent when you didn't want the child in the first place!

OP you may not be able to have your cake and eat it eg, you wanted another child with someone that didn't feel the same so may have to parent alone as a result at some point

We cannot compel someone else to parent against their wishes, imagine a husband pressurising his wife for another child, and people suggesting that she should have her tubes tied if she didn't want one!

If that mum was already struggling with the 1st, 2nd or 3rd child prior to a newborn, would we be surprised if she found ways to 'check out' of the situation eg constantly going for walks, to visit friends etc whilst leaving the baby with their dad, though offering to take the other children with her whom she found it easier to care for?

It's easy to get on the LTB bandwagon, but relationships are complex as we know! And to suggest that parenting alone will be easier, who knows? But I think the OP may well find out for herself soon enough

kkloo · 19/04/2024 15:59

Thriving30 · 19/04/2024 15:34

I am so saddened with some people's replies on here. I feel really sorry for how your husband is behaving right now but it sounds like he has depression and can't articulate himself properly. He needs support to get through this, the last thing he needs is for you to tell him to fuck off!
I feel like some people on here have no experience with family members in an acute mental health crisis and it's appalling.
There is no excuse for what he said to you though - because it was awful, and I completely understand why you now feel it is your fault, even though it isn't at all. He may be being selfish in your eyes, but that's how depression can make you appear - but really, he's trying to protect his mental health from deteriorating further.

And some of us are so saddened by responses like yours.

This doesn't sound like depression. It sounds like abuse and manipulation.
That's what it sounds like.

I think you're wrong and that a lot of us have experience with family members in an acute mental health crisis, and we also have have experiences with manipulators.

Imgoingandnevercomingback · 19/04/2024 16:00

Mgup · 19/04/2024 15:49

For posters saying if he didn't want another child, he should have had a vasectomy or used a condom, else this should be taken as agreement to have another child are naive at best and this is why many women end up as single parents!

We constantly shout on here, he is showing you who he is believe him, should apply the principle here

OP's DH had said repeatedly that he didn't want another child, appeared to 'blow hot and cold' on the issue, but in reality, only agreed during those 'up' periods for a quiet life, and re not using a condom during sex,....sorry to be crass, just wanted unprotected sex which 'felt better' without a condom, playing devils advocate, you could argue that the OP tried to 'get her own way' by having a baby her husband never wanted and is now dealing with the fall out from this

We all know how hard parenting is, and whilst some have the ability to 'dig deep' and keep parenting during the hard stages, I believe it would be extremely difficult to parent when you didn't want the child in the first place!

OP you may not be able to have your cake and eat it eg, you wanted another child with someone that didn't feel the same so may have to parent alone as a result at some point

We cannot compel someone else to parent against their wishes, imagine a husband pressurising his wife for another child, and people suggesting that she should have her tubes tied if she didn't want one!

If that mum was already struggling with the 1st, 2nd or 3rd child prior to a newborn, would we be surprised if she found ways to 'check out' of the situation eg constantly going for walks, to visit friends etc whilst leaving the baby with their dad, though offering to take the other children with her whom she found it easier to care for?

It's easy to get on the LTB bandwagon, but relationships are complex as we know! And to suggest that parenting alone will be easier, who knows? But I think the OP may well find out for herself soon enough

HE re instigated trying for a child. HE reintroduced the idea and HE asked her to put her violation dates in the diary. She was working on accepting she’d not have a second child. HE is not just a willing partner in this but the instigator.

Daz57 · 19/04/2024 16:07

LogicLoverLlama · 19/04/2024 10:52

Came here to say this - most comments here are staggeringly disrespectful to men as a sex and shaming people with real genuine mental health issues is incredibly dangerous

Men DO GET DEPRESSED and they DO GET DEPRESSED AFTER CHILDBIRTH even though they don't give birth

It's a staggering change for a man, women at least get a chance to get used to it, you have to for 9 months, we don't.

This guy needs help, from his friends, his wife and probably his GP and a therapist

No he's not gone about it well, but who the hell does without ten years of therapy?

Have some compassion - it's trope that every time a women comes to complain about a man on Mumsnet they get 99 responses saying "leave the prick" but it's disgusting to see it here

Show quote history

Well put. I am constantly saddened at how women talk about men on MN. Very little compassion, shocking language towards them and how many of these women have sons? Is that how they would like them to be treated one day?

Goldbar · 19/04/2024 16:13

Daz57 · 19/04/2024 16:07

Well put. I am constantly saddened at how women talk about men on MN. Very little compassion, shocking language towards them and how many of these women have sons? Is that how they would like them to be treated one day?

Show quote history

Most of the women on here probably hoping that their sons treat their DILs better than this man is treating his wife. At least I am.

Megifer · 19/04/2024 16:15

Daz57 · 19/04/2024 16:07

Well put. I am constantly saddened at how women talk about men on MN. Very little compassion, shocking language towards them and how many of these women have sons? Is that how they would like them to be treated one day?

Show quote history

I have sons and would be incredibly disappointed if they acted this way towards my daughter in law and grandchildren.

I feel like posters are getting themselves a bit overexcited bless them at the opportunity to virtue signal about a man's mental health that they are missing the very real signs that this is a very abusive, manipulative and dangerous sounding man.

Heartoverhead1 · 19/04/2024 16:15

Mgup · 19/04/2024 15:49

For posters saying if he didn't want another child, he should have had a vasectomy or used a condom, else this should be taken as agreement to have another child are naive at best and this is why many women end up as single parents!

We constantly shout on here, he is showing you who he is believe him, should apply the principle here

OP's DH had said repeatedly that he didn't want another child, appeared to 'blow hot and cold' on the issue, but in reality, only agreed during those 'up' periods for a quiet life, and re not using a condom during sex,....sorry to be crass, just wanted unprotected sex which 'felt better' without a condom, playing devils advocate, you could argue that the OP tried to 'get her own way' by having a baby her husband never wanted and is now dealing with the fall out from this

We all know how hard parenting is, and whilst some have the ability to 'dig deep' and keep parenting during the hard stages, I believe it would be extremely difficult to parent when you didn't want the child in the first place!

OP you may not be able to have your cake and eat it eg, you wanted another child with someone that didn't feel the same so may have to parent alone as a result at some point

We cannot compel someone else to parent against their wishes, imagine a husband pressurising his wife for another child, and people suggesting that she should have her tubes tied if she didn't want one!

If that mum was already struggling with the 1st, 2nd or 3rd child prior to a newborn, would we be surprised if she found ways to 'check out' of the situation eg constantly going for walks, to visit friends etc whilst leaving the baby with their dad, though offering to take the other children with her whom she found it easier to care for?

It's easy to get on the LTB bandwagon, but relationships are complex as we know! And to suggest that parenting alone will be easier, who knows? But I think the OP may well find out for herself soon enough

Having another baby was ultimately his idea. Op was ready to move on until he put the idea back on the table. How does that fit with your theory?

kkloo · 19/04/2024 16:22

Megifer · 19/04/2024 15:49

Have you actually read the ops posts? Op gave him space while she was still recovering, continues to do so, doesnt seem to make a fuss while he disappears off DJing, does the life admin so he feels cared for, he doesn't look after his own child and tells op she's making him want to kill himself.

This is one loooooong arse acute MH crisis.

I watched my mum have several bipolar episodes, my gran have a mental break that landed her in a psych ward for 5 months, my Dad with his PTSD, and my own (actual) PND. And have supported several employees through MH issues (most of which caused by a man I might add). So I do have experience and I think ops husband may well have depression (to be clear, id bet my house on him not being depressed at all, this whiffs of a mid life crisis, suck it up), but he's certainly not in the grips of a MH crisis ffs

Show quote history

Yep Presumably he's still working/training away in the meantime also as a provisional psychologist, and therefore as he's being supervised he must be giving the correct advice to people and saying all the right things, and then going home acting like an arsehole and telling his wife he wants to kill himself because of her.

A couple of people mentioned telling the supervisor about the suicide threats. As others have said I bet his tune will change very quickly!

theworldie · 19/04/2024 16:30

Daz57 · 19/04/2024 16:07

Well put. I am constantly saddened at how women talk about men on MN. Very little compassion, shocking language towards them and how many of these women have sons? Is that how they would like them to be treated one day?

Show quote history

If my son treated his wife the way the op’s is treating her I’d be thoroughly ashamed of him and tell him to stop whining and get on with parenting his children - the children HE wanted and happily provided his sperm for.

Though I can’t imagine any of my ds’s ever acting like this as they’ve been brought up to be caring individuals who think of others and fulfill their responsibilities. If they were suffering with their MH I’d encourage them to go and get the help they need - not go for DJ-ing holidays to escape from family life or manipulate their spouse with threats of suicide when they don’t want to do any humdrum stuff. And I’m strongly suspecting the OP’s dh has been indulged all his life by his parents and that’s part of the reason he’s such a selfish individual.

Id say exactly the same to my dd’s too (though it never does seem to be the women who have children and then ditch them to go off and do their own thing whilst the husband picks up the slack funnily enough).

Americano75 · 19/04/2024 16:41

If my son ever treated a partner like the OP's husband is treating her I'd be going through him like a dose of salts.

MsRosley · 19/04/2024 16:48

Goldbar · 19/04/2024 16:13

Most of the women on here probably hoping that their sons treat their DILs better than this man is treating his wife. At least I am.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

Original poster
AmberMoose · 19/04/2024 17:01

Is there a rational explanation for dh having a female follower on IG, who lives a few cities away, who I've never heard of and whom he followed back (as of a couple of months ago; yes I've had my suspicions) who has also liked a few of his photos and yet when I just checked, is no longer a follower or being followed? I know this looks bad. Its Bad right? Jesus. What a cliche.

OP posts:
Myopicglass · 19/04/2024 17:10

Yesterday at 9:11 I linked you to the script - it’s worth reading