Elderly mother slap in the face

[BollockstoThis1]

Elderly DM and niece are close as sis insisted she had pnd for first 5 years of nieces life (which coincided with my twos DC’s birth). As niece was at my mums being looked after practically every day of her life for the first 5 years. My mother was busy and had no time or interest in me or my family.

Fast forward to now my niece has stepped up her visiting again now she has left Uni and DM is in her early 80’s. Any recent gifts I have given my DM over the last few years have been relegated to the bottom of her stairs around the corner on the carpet. No photos of me or my DC’s now older teens are in my mothers living room (my DD hates her photo taken so no recent photos of us all). I asked DM about this recently and she said they have grown up and they have gone now. Yet niece is older than both my two but the photos of her are perhaps more recent. Their is a photo of my DB, my sis and several of my niece (including one with her dogs). Alongside an assortment of nieces tat presents on display with nanna or grandma on.

Just before Mothers day I stupidly naively asked my mother if she wanted to go out for lunch. I was told she would let me know nearer the time and see how she felt on the day (yet she is in good health but sometimes uses anxiety as an excuse with me). Then she said she wouldn’t bother a day or so beforehand. But on the day she contacted me to say she had been out for a coffee and a scone with sis and niece it was a last minute thing, she didn’t know anything about it as it was a nice surprise etc. Basically rubbing my nose in it.

It doesn’t matter what I try to do or whether I give my DM notice or leave it to the last min the response is the same and I am given a clear message that at best I am last reserve. It was her birthday last week and I was working in the run up to her birthday but I offered to come round and see her on her birthday or take her out for lunch on the day if she was free. A long delay followed then guess what my niece had supposedly already asked her to go out for lunch on the day of her birthday but she was just waiting to check with her boyfriend that he was definitely free and he hadn’t planned anything so that was why my mum delayed responding to me. My mum said she didn’t know where they were going or what time she would be back but she would phone me (expecting me to put my day on hold) and let me know when they were back. My niece has form for taking the pee if my mum is visiting us which is rare niece will call or visit before so my mum will be very late. Or if she knows I am visiting my DM, my niece will deliberately take my mum out in the car or round to hers so I can’t visit etc.

My invitations are casual and genuine because I want to spend time with my mum but these are more on my terms as I have been knocked back so many times. I am mad at myself for going back for more and keep hoping for a different outcome. Mad at my niece for being manipulative and mad at my mum for keeping on putting the boot in and being suckered in by my niece. But I guess my DM is enjoying playing us off against each other and only doing that because I let her.

Well done if you got to the end of this.

Any advice? I have tried speaking to my mum in the past many times but she always turns it round to I am bitter, I am jealous, she didn’t know I felt like that, she didn’t realise, it wasn’t her fault she didn’t mean anything by it and thought I might say that or think that.

You can’t compete in this way, it just doesn’t work.

All you can do is try different ways of spending time with her, perhaps involving your dc sometimes.

Ring her more.
Think of places/events she cares about and suggest going/getting tickets.
Drop in when you are ‘passing’.

But don’t put your mum in the middle and ask her to choose. For whatever reason, she can’t see the problem or she can’t afford to fall out with the niece.

Separate out your irritation with your niece. Focus on your mum. Everything else is other people’s madness.

I'd be a bit more direct ' Hi Mum, if you're not going out with sis and neice on Saturday would you like to go shopping?'
'Hi Mum, I can pop round for coffee on x, that's if you're not already doing anything with neice and sister'
'Hi Mum, it's mother's day, let me know your plans with neice so I can work round them'

Tbh you sound quite angry bitter and intense. Are you sure you aren't the cause of her anxiety? I have people who make me anxious with their bad attitudes and I avoid going anywhere with them if I can help it.

Thanks @AGlinnerOfHopeall my mother is interested in now is my niece and playing off her family members against each other but I seem to be the black although I have done the best for myself in terms of earnings, career, house, marriage etc.

Thanks @Harvestfestivalknickers my recent approach was very much more like you have suggested. But it still didn’t pay off. I started with casually asking if she was going to be in on X as we were going to pop round to see her with gift. Where I went wrong was by asking if she was free and wanted to we could maybe take her out for lunch or a coffee.

I imagine niece was there visiting when my message came in DM will have read out my message and niece will have said but we were going to ask you if we could take you out for lunch on X day. Then DM will have said well its ok I will just tell Bollocks no and I can still go out with you they will just have to wait until whenever we are back. DM wouldn’t dare knock back, upset or offend niece and no way in nieces wildest dreams would could we possibly all go out together as she likes to be centre stage. My niece will probably drive but my mum will also have probably paid or treat them for her birthday lunch to boot.

@Anotherparkingthread thanks just what I needed to hear thank you. Had one kick in the teeth lets make it another for OP.

Would you be ok with this treatment from your DM or are you my DM or niece or equally unkind? Mmm maybe.

I would step back - it is far from ideal but it is what it is and you are only giving yourself grief by banging your head against this particular brick wall.

Maybe contact and say "Is there anything you would like to do for your birthday/Mother's Day/whatever?" Leave the ball in her court.

You dismiss your sister’s PND and your mum’s anxiety - no wonder she puts off meeting up with you!
How often do your DC visit their grandmother?

I can see how it is for you @BollockstoThis1
I had a cousin who was a similar twat he lived in Australia (far too close for comfort) but still spent his poxy life trying to compete and manipulate dgrans attention.

I would either be more spontaneous just turn up without warning and see if she wants to go. Stay the same and let it wash over your head. Or leave them to it and use your time being kinder to your self.
Dniece has obviously learned to be a cowbag from her DM.
These parents whatever age love to have the goldenballs attention and others trying to compete for it don't give their ridiculous carry on oxygen.x

@BollockstoThis1 sounds very much like my family. My db and niece are always the priority. I have accepted this and stepped back for my own mental health.
As a pp said just send messages and offer days out, etc, see what she says and go from there. Don't waste the headspace. My dc are aware of the difference in gc and they just go with it. It is all they have known.

Wow...honestly you sound exhausting. If your mum does have anxiety I can understand why she doesn't commit to outings with you.

Why are you making this a competition ?

She obviously gets on really well with her. There is room for all but you've made this super competitive. Doesn't have your childrens photo up ...you said they dont like having their photo taken?

Honestly relax a little

Pressed send to early

Only when you stop pressuring her and yourself to have this perfect family (which doesn't exist) will things seem better

Stop thinking of them as them against you.

It really isnt a competition

Ignore the numbnut posters who think this is about you being intense @BollockstoThis1 🙄 It’s obvious that this is a painful relationship where you feel rejected in favour of your niece and DSil because you are being rejected in favour of them. Your feelings are natural.

I don’t know what to suggest other than accept it exactly as it is and, knowing her for exactly who she is and being unable to change her crap behaviour, think about how often you want to engage with her and what that might look like.

Sounds like my mum. She's very much into my brother and his kids. She's met my son once and that was 9 years ago (he's 10). Everything is an excuse as to why she can't meet up or do things or go places with us (and yes I've offered to see her and take her out many, many times and pay for her).

I had to go very low contact with her.

Now she's getting older and needs more help brother is funnily enough nowhere to be found (no, I'm not stepping in and have told her as much) and I wouldn't be surprise OP if the same thing happens with your mum.

@Maddy70 @Anotherparkingthread Even if you truly believe what you are saying and aren't just being snide for the fun of it why would you choose to post in such a nasty way. You can disagree with OPs and not be cruel. This isn't AIBU. It's pathetic.

OP, I'm not sure what you can do. It's strange that they are leaving you out. What happens when you ask to be included?

I watch the dynamic between DSis and DM and it frustrates me enormously. It’s as though they don’t actually want to spend time together, they just want everyone to know it’s the other person’s fault it doesn’t work.

Mum feels like she’s squeezed in around the edges of sister’s busy life, and isn’t a priority. Sister feels like mum only wants her to visit when a job needs doing.
Both seem to be as awkward as possible about arranging times/places, while blaming the other and claiming they’d like to go and do something nice together etc.

Honestly it’s like they look for reasons to be put out rather than the opportunities to find common ground. Both would rather be right than happy.

Take the pressure off everyone and go with the flow. It may improve.

Just step back. She doesn’t want to spend time with you or your family.

I’m sorry to be blunt but nothing you do will make your mum want to spend time with you. At this point you are inflicting the pain on yourself. I’m sorry OP, everyone wants their parents to love of and approve of them and it does seem you are very much excluded.

Maddy70, i'm assuming you've never experienced a narcissistic family dynamic, how lucky you are.

The Mum in this relationship is abusive. On the face of it, its not a big deal but its the years upon years of the same pattern of behavior where 1 child is pitted against the other, the incessant need for attention in the form of her health worries and the pity she demands from the scapegoat child. Its like death by 1000 cuts.

My advice to the poster is to save yourself, step away and heal from this bull crap. I hear you, its crap. you deserve better. Surround yourself with people who love you.

I would also seriously consider a therapist. This is a really unhealthy and shitty dynamic and you need someone to help you get it in perspective.

Thanks@AtrociousCircumstance and yes @StrawberryWater yes it sounds very similar.

Niece and Dsis are on a mission to be indispensable to my DM so funny, so kind, so good, so available. But I agree if my DM ever needs care or anything more inconvenient neither will be anywhere to be seen or found.

@Maddy70 you misunderstand. We have photos from awhile ago that I gave my mum of all of us but more recently my daughter doesn’t like her photo taken. The older photos of my children my mum has taken down and moved.

In the past I have tried to arrange with DSIS and DB to go somewhere or do things with my DM for birthdays etc but they have never wanted to know.

My DB is quite quiet and lives with my mum so she occasionally goes out with him on her own for a very cheap, very quick express basic bar meal, carvery or something. Or I take my mum out on my day off sometimes. She never mentions anxiety unless its something she doesn’t want to do.

Niece and sis take my mother out just them two as sis is embarrassed about her partner or niece and her boyfriend take my mum out. I would never be invited or welcome to be included in either scenario or without my family along as niece isn’t the centre of attention its shared and she doesn’t like it and says I don’t like her and its not the same when I am there. So its not an option and not an inclusive thing.

Thanks for your support @GridlockedKey some posters are either trolls or just nasty and vindictive.

Its not nasty... im advising her to relax and not take it to heart. Perfect families don't exist and shes making this into a competition unnecessarily which is making her unhappy.

Nasty.

Enjoy giving people a kicking when they are down, do you?

The OP isn't making it a competition at all, the niece is. Angling for a nice inheritance I expect.

I'm really sorry you are struggling, but what makes you say 'sister insisted she had PND' like that - have you said things like that to your mum or sister?

You do make some nasty comments about your sister and niece (insisted she had PND, tat presents) which does make me suspect that there’s more than one side to this story.