Elderly mother slap in the face

[BollockstoThis1]

Elderly DM and niece are close as sis insisted she had pnd for first 5 years of nieces life (which coincided with my twos DC’s birth). As niece was at my mums being looked after practically every day of her life for the first 5 years. My mother was busy and had no time or interest in me or my family.

Fast forward to now my niece has stepped up her visiting again now she has left Uni and DM is in her early 80’s. Any recent gifts I have given my DM over the last few years have been relegated to the bottom of her stairs around the corner on the carpet. No photos of me or my DC’s now older teens are in my mothers living room (my DD hates her photo taken so no recent photos of us all). I asked DM about this recently and she said they have grown up and they have gone now. Yet niece is older than both my two but the photos of her are perhaps more recent. Their is a photo of my DB, my sis and several of my niece (including one with her dogs). Alongside an assortment of nieces tat presents on display with nanna or grandma on.

Just before Mothers day I stupidly naively asked my mother if she wanted to go out for lunch. I was told she would let me know nearer the time and see how she felt on the day (yet she is in good health but sometimes uses anxiety as an excuse with me). Then she said she wouldn’t bother a day or so beforehand. But on the day she contacted me to say she had been out for a coffee and a scone with sis and niece it was a last minute thing, she didn’t know anything about it as it was a nice surprise etc. Basically rubbing my nose in it.

It doesn’t matter what I try to do or whether I give my DM notice or leave it to the last min the response is the same and I am given a clear message that at best I am last reserve. It was her birthday last week and I was working in the run up to her birthday but I offered to come round and see her on her birthday or take her out for lunch on the day if she was free. A long delay followed then guess what my niece had supposedly already asked her to go out for lunch on the day of her birthday but she was just waiting to check with her boyfriend that he was definitely free and he hadn’t planned anything so that was why my mum delayed responding to me. My mum said she didn’t know where they were going or what time she would be back but she would phone me (expecting me to put my day on hold) and let me know when they were back. My niece has form for taking the pee if my mum is visiting us which is rare niece will call or visit before so my mum will be very late. Or if she knows I am visiting my DM, my niece will deliberately take my mum out in the car or round to hers so I can’t visit etc.

My invitations are casual and genuine because I want to spend time with my mum but these are more on my terms as I have been knocked back so many times. I am mad at myself for going back for more and keep hoping for a different outcome. Mad at my niece for being manipulative and mad at my mum for keeping on putting the boot in and being suckered in by my niece. But I guess my DM is enjoying playing us off against each other and only doing that because I let her.

Well done if you got to the end of this.

Any advice? I have tried speaking to my mum in the past many times but she always turns it round to I am bitter, I am jealous, she didn’t know I felt like that, she didn’t realise, it wasn’t her fault she didn’t mean anything by it and thought I might say that or think that.

Yes I’ve had the conversation with her many times. Growing up my brother was the favourite and me and my siblings were the black sheep. Now his children are the favourite grandchildren and she’s barely interested in the others. It borders a bit on obsession with them. If it was ever pointed out she would deny deny deny, says she loves everyone the same, but her actions never matched her words and it continued the same. As an adult I have come to the conclusion that she has NPD, she ticks everything on the list. She won’t change, I can only change my own behaviour - which is to distance myself for my own protection.

Both mine have traditional classic relatively short names not pretentious names etc.

You're so snobby and rude about your niece.
It's no wonder she isn't keen on you.

OP, my DF is exactly like this. My DM who is now deceased hated us all equally. DF spends a lot of time with my DB and his kids. After 25 years of marriage I don’t think my DF actually knows my DSCs names. I take some blame as I don’t stand being spoken to abusively so I tend to stay away - my DB is very forgiving. You will only be unhappy if you keep expecting them to change. Accept the situation and walk away. Just because people are related to you doesn’t mean they are good for you.

She didn't say the niece had a pretentious name at all. This was nothing to do with the niece.

She mentioned the names only to highlight that her children have simple to remember names and the granny should have used their names, not "the children".

This wasn’t a dig at niece she so has a similar name i.e. classsic/traditional what I meant was it wasn’t like we had chosen far out complex names that dm couldn’t remember, couldn’t pronounce or very pretentious or modern names etc. It was more that DM couldn’t even be bothered to use or mention my DC’s names and referred to my children and her grandchildren collectively as ‘the children’.

Update: DN has had a baby now. So DN spends even more time with my DM than she did before which is lovely for them but sad for me. I went round to see DN after she had the baby was nice, said baby was lovely etc got her a niece gift which she didn’t open when I was there although she wasn’t busy at the time and baby was asleep and she has never even thanked me for it afterwards, not even a text.

I have reduced contact with DM now and gone LC with her for my own sanity. She was game playing not answering the phone or replying to texts, was always busy with DN who was either there when I visited, on the phone when I visited, she was out somewhere with DN, round at DN’s or DN was on her way round (so unavailable) etc etc. So once again totally unavailable to me her DD.

Needless to say in the last few weeks DM has spent more time with DN and her baby and held her baby more than she spent with my DC in last 20 years. As my DM always had DN round and DN kicked off if DM even looked in my DC’s direction when they were little that she was lucky if she held either of mine or tried to speak to either of them half a dozen times when they were babies or toddlers. Yes I offered to visit, invited her to mine, invited her for a day out and asked for help but everything was refused and knocked back.

Hearing DM now speak about DN constantly, seeing DN there all the time now with the baby, hearing DM visited niece and baby umpteen times a week and they have visited her yet she showed virtually no interest in my children and seeing my mum holding the baby is painful and feels like rubbing salt in old wounds.

I don't blame you for going lc. I would keep it that way.

I grew up with a terribly narcissistic grandmother and can very much understand where you're coming from. Focus on your family, your husband, your children. Your mother's dismissal of you and your family is a damning indictment of her character not yours. I'll bet your children feel about as warmly about their grandmother as I and my siblings did about mine - we saw the favouritism for what it was and once we were old enough refused to engage with her, we didn't even bother going to her funeral as she never gave a damn about us during her life. Focus on your little family instead. Let DM and niece have each other all to themselves if that's what they want.

I feel your pain 😓

Thanks all been up today for my weekly visit. Two photos of nieces baby up now. Three photos of niece, one with her sister on, that also has my brother and sister on it. One of me which was in the hall unless it’s been taken down now and none whatsoever of my DC now in late teens.

A weekly visit isn’t LC! I’m afraid you’re allowing her to hurt you, still. You know she’s a deeply unpleasant person and a terrible mother, you know she’s chosen DN as a substitute daughter in preference to you, and you know the issue is her not you. You will need to reduce contact much, much further if you’re to start healing, even if you do it gradually.

You need to stop visiting weekly, OP. That's not doing you any good.

I can feel your hurt in your words, over the internet. Your mother can also feel it. She just doesn't care.

Free your time to spend with people who bring you joy.

Honestly, just walk away. Don't bother any more with her. She's been given enough opportunities to hurt you, she's not entitled to any more.
Leave them to it and block her number. Stop putting yourself through this pain.

OP surely you were going to go NC?

It would be so much better for your mental health.

My grandparent was like this with my parent. My siblings and I constantly felt under pressure to excel and prove ourselves so that my grandparent would value my parent more (it never happened).

It's not worth bending over backwards to keep in touch with a relative who doesn't appreciate you. Sorry OP

Tail off the visits to nothing, or next to if it helps you.
It does hurt doesn’t it. My children were my parents only grandchildren and were ignored. After my father died ( mother died first) I obtained a copy of his will. It was written as if my kids and I didn’t exist but repeatedly said “ my sons”. Deliberate or not, I don’t know. 🤷‍♀️
Stop hurting yourself, leave your mother, DN etc to themselves and do other things. This is something you can’t control.

I saw this pattern in my ex husbands family, not quite so extreme as your scenario but very noticeable. The funny thing is that it didn't even do the golden grandchild any favours - it created a wedge between her and her siblings and cousins, made her quite spoilt and dependent on her grandmother for money and support, leaving her lacking in independence and of course bereft when granny died when she was still relatively young. For you though, it is fucking awful and I honestly think you can't do anything to shift these deep seated dynamics. The only thing you can possibly do is shift your own perspective, detach and see all of these people as very flawed and lacking in emotional intelligence and well being. You know you wouldn't do likewise and that is about all you can get out of it. I am really sorry though.

@BollockstoThis1
It was only when your thread, (back in April), had been running for quite a while that you mentioned that you thought your DB, DS, and DN would receive a more favourable inheritance than you.
And I was going to ask about that, but then the thread tailed off before you resurrected it!
Do you know whether your DM has made a will? If so, do you know what she has bequeathed to whom?
Just wondering, if what you suspect is correct, if your relatives are doing what they're doing to make sure their inheritance is safe, and lucrative? 🤷‍♀️

@Cesarina I’ve no idea DN has always been the favourite. But fully imagine this is the case I have been gradually sidelined more and more then she and they will feel justified rather than feeling like they have screwed me over when the time comes. When my dad died I felt I had to make more of an effort to look after and look out for DM. But I was gradually deliberately edged out more and more it was like DM was trying to hurt me as much as poss but each time it was excuses for her behaviour and situations she didn’t know couldn’t help it etc (far too many things to mention here).

She is quietly annoyed and upset that I am only calling or visiting once a week as she will send a Tiktok out of the blue or the odd message whereas previously it was me doing all the contact. She has even visited me twice recently out of the blue. But can imagine her saying no I haven’t heard from her but I think she is upset with me but I’ve not done anything so I have no idea why. The photos will be well its just because I see more of them and I didn’t ask for them etc. I haven’t even commented on them. DM is in her early 80’s and lives locally so contact once a week is a heck of a lot less than it was and a heck of a lot less than siblings and niece visit.

She is quietly annoyed and upset that I am only calling or visiting once a week

It's very clear that she has been enjoying flaunting her favouritism for DN in front of you and as you said yourself, rubbing your nose in it. You're now giving her fewer opportunities to do that, denying her the twisted pleasure. And still she is hurting you, here you are thinking about her feelings.

Concentrate on your own life - you don't owe her anything, least of all a role of a plaything she can hurt for fun.

I don't think you even realise how cruel she is. Reading how she fawns over DN and neglects you and your kids is heartbreaking. I don't think you have taken on board just how badly you're treated.

Again, weekly contact is far from being LC. You have a way to go before you have freedom and peace of mind.

I’m going to be blunt with you because you need it. You are like a kicked dog that keeps going back for more attention. JUST STOP IT! OP i had a mother who doesn’t love me, it’s painful but it is what it is. Accepting it was the best thing I ever did. When I went NC she made a bit of a fuss mainly because it meant she could look like a victim despite rejecting me for decades.

Would you treat your own kids like this? You are now doing this to yourself. She’s not upset, she’s manipulating you. No decent mother plays with their childs emotions like this.

You are debasing yourself by engaging in this. Even if you don’t care about yourself you should care about what you are showing your children.

Drop contact to every other week OP. If she comments say you’ve been busy. With your family. Mention other family members in a positive light and watch the fans of jealousy ignite in her. Better yet - SHOW EXTRA POSITIVITY TO THE NIECE. It will really confound them all. Arrange coffees out with niece and baby and drop by with small
gifts - even if it’s just some biscuits, as you know how hard being a new mum is. Start telling your mum info about the niece and baby and speak in glowing terms. If niece rejects you, keep smiling and keep speaking adoringly about the baby to your mother. Petty yes, but it sounds like you are fed to the back teeth with their behaviour but don’t want NC so it’s time to play them at their own game.

Your mum sounds horrible. It must be really upsetting for you. But as others say, you can't force her to want to hang out with you, and you shouldn't have to beg.
Try and put them both out of your mind. It's their loss not yours if you don't see them.
I hope you could consider counselling? The way your mum's treated you is really awful.

Ive been following your thread and just wanted to say, i think you are doing so well. I know going NC would be easier in so many ways but i think your doing the right thing in maintaining some contact. Your conscious will be clear when she will eventually pass on. Grey rock her, try not to let her get to you.

You cant change her, you can only change how you react to her.

Thanks all.

@Sceptical123 niece barely looks the side I am on. She always behaved in a very spoilt attention seeking way as a toddler (which can’t be helped) but even later as a teenager.
In my parents eyes she could never do any wrong however badly she behaved towards my DC or how many times she interrupted and talked over me, my DC or even my DSIS she always had to be heard, always came out on top and could never put a foot wrong. So she always behaves in a very entitled way.

I always sent her a birthday and Christmas card and gift usually money as thats what her mum nearly always suggested she would want up until she was 21 and I always got the shortest most basic un chatty cursory text possible text back. She never asks anything about my life or my family (DH and my DC her cousins) if she is ever at DM’s when I visit. At best she is quiet and barely civil and DM always panders to her and asks if she is ok as she is quiet. The last time I was there when she visited DM I spoke to her when she walked in and she just completely ignored me and spoke to DM and my DB. I waited 5-10
minutes then made an excuse and left. If I had ever mentioned this to DM her excuse would be well DN thinks you don’t like her. So I don’t bother calling her out.

So I can’t imagine contacting DN to meet for coffee would be taken up easily. I also visited her with a nice card and gift for the baby and I was very nice and complimentary. She wasn’t busy at the time and didn’t open it while I was there and I will no doubt be waiting ever more for thank you message.

@Kerrylass thank you I have failed so many times to cut DM off. But this way I feel I have a smidgen of control and I see and speak to her on my terms only and as you say I will have a clear conscience.