Elderly mother slap in the face

[BollockstoThis1]

Elderly DM and niece are close as sis insisted she had pnd for first 5 years of nieces life (which coincided with my twos DC’s birth). As niece was at my mums being looked after practically every day of her life for the first 5 years. My mother was busy and had no time or interest in me or my family.

Fast forward to now my niece has stepped up her visiting again now she has left Uni and DM is in her early 80’s. Any recent gifts I have given my DM over the last few years have been relegated to the bottom of her stairs around the corner on the carpet. No photos of me or my DC’s now older teens are in my mothers living room (my DD hates her photo taken so no recent photos of us all). I asked DM about this recently and she said they have grown up and they have gone now. Yet niece is older than both my two but the photos of her are perhaps more recent. Their is a photo of my DB, my sis and several of my niece (including one with her dogs). Alongside an assortment of nieces tat presents on display with nanna or grandma on.

Just before Mothers day I stupidly naively asked my mother if she wanted to go out for lunch. I was told she would let me know nearer the time and see how she felt on the day (yet she is in good health but sometimes uses anxiety as an excuse with me). Then she said she wouldn’t bother a day or so beforehand. But on the day she contacted me to say she had been out for a coffee and a scone with sis and niece it was a last minute thing, she didn’t know anything about it as it was a nice surprise etc. Basically rubbing my nose in it.

It doesn’t matter what I try to do or whether I give my DM notice or leave it to the last min the response is the same and I am given a clear message that at best I am last reserve. It was her birthday last week and I was working in the run up to her birthday but I offered to come round and see her on her birthday or take her out for lunch on the day if she was free. A long delay followed then guess what my niece had supposedly already asked her to go out for lunch on the day of her birthday but she was just waiting to check with her boyfriend that he was definitely free and he hadn’t planned anything so that was why my mum delayed responding to me. My mum said she didn’t know where they were going or what time she would be back but she would phone me (expecting me to put my day on hold) and let me know when they were back. My niece has form for taking the pee if my mum is visiting us which is rare niece will call or visit before so my mum will be very late. Or if she knows I am visiting my DM, my niece will deliberately take my mum out in the car or round to hers so I can’t visit etc.

My invitations are casual and genuine because I want to spend time with my mum but these are more on my terms as I have been knocked back so many times. I am mad at myself for going back for more and keep hoping for a different outcome. Mad at my niece for being manipulative and mad at my mum for keeping on putting the boot in and being suckered in by my niece. But I guess my DM is enjoying playing us off against each other and only doing that because I let her.

Well done if you got to the end of this.

Any advice? I have tried speaking to my mum in the past many times but she always turns it round to I am bitter, I am jealous, she didn’t know I felt like that, she didn’t realise, it wasn’t her fault she didn’t mean anything by it and thought I might say that or think that.

I would just ignore that post OP. You don't sound bitter at all. I understand you wanting to spend time with your mum but perhaps withdrawing a bit might be better for your mental health.

With kindness, I think you're anger at your niece is totally misplaced. She was just a child when all this was happening, she didn't choose who she got fobbed off with, it now transpires because of all the time that they spent together they have a very close relationship, but absolutely none of that was her doing.

The anger towards your sister and niece is evident in every post, but the person you should be angry with instead of running circles around is your mum!! She has shown you that she classes you as second best, I do feel for you, but this statement here:

I imagine niece was there visiting when my message came in DM will have read out my message and niece will have said but we were going to ask you if we could take you out for lunch on X day. Then DM will have said well its ok I will just tell Bollocks no and I can still go out with you they will just have to wait until whenever we are back.

I'm sorry that is absolutely unhinged, you are imagining that the niece is responsible for that when the more likely scenario is that your mum would prefer to spend time with her niece and your sister and holds off for their invite (knowing that it is coming) before organising things with you.. It is an absolutely disgusting way for a parent to go on, and she doesn't deserve your time and effort that you are putting in to maintaining a relationship with her.

It's awful being second best when your parents are supposed to unconditionally love you and want to spend time with you, but I think you need to stop trying so hard to compete personally, for your own mental health, it's easier said than done as we are hardwired to seek our parents approval, but it is only bringing heartache and you will never 'win'. This is 100% down to your mum though, and not your sister and niece, when you realise that you may be able to have a relationship with them at some point.

Was that really necessary?!!

I don't think she is "disparaging" at all - I think the OP is just deeply hurt and upset, but if kicking someone when they're down is your thing, knocks your socks off!

I don't think it's "unhinged" at all. This is the OP's sister, mother and niece. Why can't they include the OP at least sometimes? Anyone would feel bitter at such unequal treatment!

Because OP doesn't know that is how it has happened in the slightest, she has assumed based on her feelings towards her niece, that her niece is scheming with her mother to cut her out, which IMO are unwarranted, it is the adults in this situation that have made things the way they are, it's just easier to blame the niece and make her the bad person rather than face the reality that it's actually her mum that is orchestrating this horrible treatment, her mum's the one that fobs her off and keep her dangling. The niece may be even being fed a load of bullshit from her OPs mum about OP not caring about her or making any effort.. when nothing could be further from the truth.

If she was a kind and decent mother she would go out with whoever asked her first, go out with them all together or at the very least treat them all the same.. but she doesn't, because for whatever reason she's only really interested in the sister and niece.

There's not really enough information to answer why they can't all go out together, but it doesn't sound like OP particularly likes her sister or niece so any effort to go out together is not going to be the nice family outing that people think it will.. there's far too much bad blood and resentment.. and it is all down to OPs mum not treating them all the same.

But OP is conditioned to continue seeking her approval even though time and time again, she's treated her horribly.

I assume the OP knows exactly what is going on. She's the one living it. I also don't believe the OP is solely blaming her niece either.

I do agree, it all stems from the mother. That doesn't mean the OP's sister and her niece are innocent in it all either.

Some of the earlier responses on here are awful OP, you have my complete sympathy as I have a similar excluding dynamic going on in my own family. It is soul destroying and nothing you have done at all. Everything to do with your dm's self centredness and inability to parent.

As for advice all I can say from my experience - please ignore if not relevant to your circs or unhelpful - is that this type of character (I won't say the narc word) usually thrives on being a knight in shining armour and being seen to be needed and being the hero (after the dsis pnd?) Your niece and sister probably also milk this for all it's worth and may use subtle manipulation, dripping of poison in your dm's ear about you to strengthen their 'specialness'. (Ignore if this doesn't apply but I've had this in my own family and it sounds so similar). They probably also flatter your dm, pre-empt, plan weeks/months ahead and get in there first with things that she loves doing? Are they also drama queens and very twee and precious about their incredibly special bond? She (your dm) is just totally concentrated on what makes her feel good. You, as the capable responsible one offer your dm nothing (in her eyes) to make her feel important and don't reflect back to her what she sees as the 'special' parts of her. If you challenge her she'll feel bad about herself and will go on the defensive. In terms of how to deal, if you have tried to speak to her and got that type of response I'd drop the ball and walk away. Certainly don't try to suggest things.

Look after yourself and your dc, stop doubting yourself, if financially possible do something just for you and your dc. Put yourself first. Let the dm get on with it. Oh, and don't give her any details about your life unless and until she asks.

This. Mine are not nice people but after 3 years of nc I see it clearly. All my cards never a thank you, nice email and update and photo of my kids got a reply. Received photo , looks like a nice day. Dad - is the most loving and full on reply I had. They aren’t bothered - they are so bloody selfish they go on holiday and bugger off and don’t want family but they have hit 80 and 85 and starting to slow down and then they will want help - but not from us thanks very much

I would never be invited or welcome to be included in either scenario or without my family along as niece isn’t the centre of attention its shared and she doesn’t like it and says I don’t like her and its not the same when I am there. So its not an option and not an inclusive thing

She's not wrong is she? You quite obviously can't stand her and are incredibly bitter about her close relationship with her grandma. You call her gifts to her grandma "tat". You're completely dismissive of her mother's PND and seem to be insinuating that she planned having depression to scupper your chances at having free childcare from your mum. You accuse her of planning visits to sabotage your time with your mum (does she even know you have plans to see her?). You talk about her "stepping up her visits" as though it's some kind of strategic attack, as opposed to just being a nice thing. I wouldn't want to spend time with my aunty if she felt like that.

Your relationship with your mum is clearly not healthy and it sounds like your mum does play favourites and keep you at arm's length. But you are aiming an awful lot of vitriol at someone else who doesn't appear to have really done anything wrong.

Thanks all. Yes @Runnerinthenight. Yes, my DM has let it slip in the past especially in the last 1-2 years that niece was there when I phoned or messaged or she’d told niece about arrangements etc and then niece has attempted to delay her leaving the house, getting ready or niece has put in a counter invite etc.

Especially if it was something special for our family say something involving my DC i.e. or a family birthday, something over the hols or them in a play, receiving an award, or going off to Uni etc etc. Too many instances to mention and I prob do sound unhinged saying it but it has definitely happened more than once. I can’t quite believe how vindictive my niece has been so she is certainly not an innocent in this.

I know my mother isn’t an innocent in this either. My Dsis doesn’t compare well with my niece either and I also feel sorry for her but she seems to fair better than me as at least she is my nieces mother. Niece tells tales to DM about DSIS’s relationship with her partner and problems with DSIS’s younger sibling but niece always comes out of the story well at least in her version in my DM’s eyes.

In the past I have gone no contact with DM and my siblings but not lasted long enough as its not in my nature to be unkind and it upsets me. I usually cave before DM or if not DSIS gets tired as no competition and either DM, DB or DSis contact asking me if I’m ok and either telling me DM upset, unwell or ill etc so I cave.

OP, you are trying so hard to please your mother, you’re obviously a loving and conscientious daughter. She is foolish to treat you so dismissively, as I doubt if your niece will be all over her when your mother is old and needs care.

I would step back and disengage a bit. Still offer to visit, take her out etc, but don’t put so much of yourself into it. Try to stop caring so much. Focus on the people who love you back xx

My aunts would say this about me!

The same accusations have been made.

I’m manipulative apparently too.

The truth is:

I buy my grandparents “tat” because they like it. The tackier, I personally think something is, I know they will adore.

Every Christmas etc I scour the internet/shops for random gifts that are quirky, unusual and described by most people as “tat”.

I adore my grandparents and they adore me because I don’t tell them what they can and can’t do.

We thoroughly enjoy each others company.

I am not manipulating them and am not hoping for an inheritance.

The unconditional love I get from them is my inheritance. I will cherish that and our memories forever.

@Notchangingnameagain you sound lovely.

My DM doesn’t like a lot of clutter. Niece knows this full well and knows when she gives my DM yet another photo or another her trinket. Something goes and guess what it is always something I or my DC have given her or a photo of us. Now there is nothing left. The only memorabilia is from her.

I assume your GP’s adore you, don’t mind clutter and don’t relegate your aunties gifts or photos to the bin or back of the cupboard to put your gifts and photos on display instead though?

'Insisted she had PND'
'Uses anxiety as an excuse'

No sympathy for you when you talk this way tbh

@BollockstoThis1 painful as it is, I think you just have to accept this is how it is and just go low contact and have no expectations. leave them to it.
sadly not all of us have a good relationship with our parents. just the way it is.

also, don't feel you have to take ALL the responsibility if your mum needs something. let them handle it. if you step back, they will have to take responsibility

why are you trying so hard ?

just concentrate on your own family and let them get on with it.

I'm afraid you lost me when you described your niece's gifts to your mother as tat.

Your mother is the main culprit here tbf, hard as that might be to accept.

I think your only option is to pull back a bit.

Maybe they are?!

Ah wise up, plenty of people use it as an 'excuse'! Not everyone is genuine and I imagine the OP knows her sister well enough to judge!!

Possibly, but it was the dismissive and disparaging way this was mentioned which put me off.

I think it's entirely within character given the situation.

Think I would be going LC. I wouldn’t be talked around with being guilt tripped. Do you want to do x? If she says we will see, leave it there. You asked.

Sounds like DSIS thrives on you waiting for crumbs off the table. If they are nowhere to be seen at certain times I’d be the dynamic with niece DSIS obviously works best so contact them. Oh they have gone underground, that’s a shame you can’t just contact me when it suits. I have got my family to think of.

Distance yourself OP. You don't have to be unkind but just start being unavailable. Arrange things invite your Mum but don't expect her to show up. For example organise to go to a cafe with someone else - invite your Mum as well. Say where and when you'll be there and that's it. She can't get mad at you and you'll stop being so invested. It's a sad situation but I don't think it will change after all these years so you need to manage your expectations. Also make sure you don't end up carer. She doesn't deserve that.

@Aishah231 mum can’t drive so would involve picking her up can’t just say see you at X cafe on Y day and time if you fancy it.

Thanks to the helpful posters. I am out. Those commenting nastily and latching onto one comment with a snapshot of information haven’t lived in my shoes and believe me my niece is a piece of work. Her and my DM are both calculating and hurtful. I have tried to rise above it and give them another chance, behaving differently and expecting a better outcome etc but sooner or later its another kick in the teeth.

I am going to leave this thread now and will only see my DM once a fortnight at my convenience, I won’t think up nice treats, days out or nice presents as like with me they will be rejected in favour of anything my niece offers or provides.